Trials of Ryder: 05 The Persephone Arc
by natsora
Summary: Before the Andromeda Initiative, before being Pathfinder, Sara Ryder is a lowly newly minted Corporal of the Systems Alliance. Instead of getting assigned to a combat post, she is shunted to the ass end of nowhere on her latest assignment. It is supposed to be boring, it is supposed to be quiet. But things never stay boring for long.
1. Homecoming

Chapter 1 - Homecoming

Ryder rubbed the back of her neck, her fingers brushing against the familiar bump of the biotic amp under her skin. She stretched her neck from side to side, trying to work the kinks out of her sore muscles. This ten hour flight was the last leg of her journey back to the Citadel. Hitching a ride on an Alliance transport was the best afforded to someone of her rank. And all that got her was a seat on a packed transport.

 _But hey, it got me home._

Home… Home was the Citadel, home was the little apartment she spent her childhood years, home was her room she spent nights looking at her poster of Commander Shepard looking all heroic, calling on people to join up. The day she walked out for good she joined the early biotic intake programme and she had never been back except for some scattered visits.

And now she was almost home.

The transport shuddered as the docking procedures took over. The rest of the soldiers were mostly like her moving from one assignment to another. She had just finished her training after being promoted to Corporal. The spanking new chevron was sitting pretty on her collar.

 _I earned this on my own._

The cost was a pretty little wound across her ribs. The medical officer promised no scars, but for now it still twinged at the oddest times.

"Grunts, welcome to the Citadel. Thank you for taking the Alliance shuttle service," the announcement came from overhead.

Everyone chuckled. Ryder grabbed her duffle and made her way off the transport along with the rest.

And she promptly found herself in a queue for the single counter open at the Alliance checkpoint. There was already a long line forming when she got there. Every soldier on shore leave were usually dropped off on the Citadel. Everyone was expected to make their way from there, wherever home might be.

Sara Ryder was home. It was just a skycar ride away, as soon as she could get out of the Alliance docks.

Being back on the Citadel brought back memories. Most of them weren't happy ones. Her earliest memories were of mock-training and later real ones, competing with Scott and vying for their father's attention. Then as she grew up, moving from an Alliance school to a regular one brought on bullying with as few human biotics there were. And there was also the constant worrying about her mother's condition. Finally culminating in the realisation that nothing she did would ever be good enough for her father. Without a push from her mother, Ryder would never have joined the early biotic intake programme. She would never have learnt what it was like to be appreciated for being who she was and not in spite of it.

The solider on duty sighed as she stepped up. "Name?"

"Ryder, Sara."

The soldier did a double take. His mouth opened ready to ask a question. Ryder nodded and said, "Yes, that Ryder."

"Wow."

She shrugged and took a deep breath, looking at the soldier again.

"Everything is in order, enjoy your shore leave Corporal."

"Thank you, Private," she replied.

Her combat boots clanked against the metal plates that lined the docks and joined every other soldier as they all made their way out of the Alliance docks to the civilian end of things. She looked at the sea of human ahead of her and sighed. "It's going to be a long day."

* * *

The queue for the skycar was too long. She braved the public transit even though it was the peak hour. Her omni-tool was buzzing near incessantly as soon as she managed to cram herself into the tram with scores of other Citadel denizens. One arm was tight against her side while the other clung onto the handle bar so that she didn't fall on someone.

 _Fuck it's irritating._

Eventually the tram arrived at her stop. "Sorry, I'm getting off here," she said as she squeezed her way out.

It took some effort but she made it out before the doors closed and immediately bumped into someone. "Oh shit, sorry," she started apologising when she looked up.

Ryder found a familiar set of eyes staring back. "Sara!" the dual flanged voice said.

"Senana!" she exclaimed and wrapped her arms around the turian.

Senana's mandibles flapped happily as she hummed. "You remembered me," she cooed. "I had figured after you joined up and went all Alliance you would forget about little old me."

Ryder took a step back and shook her head. "Little? You're still at least 20 cm taller than I am."

"Figure of speech, you and your brother rubbed off on me," she said. "Are you back for good?"

"No," she shook her head, "just a visit. I actually got my next assignment already so this is just a quick popping by."

Senana nodded emphatically. "Yeah all you Alliance types just hoping from place to place all the time. How's your mother? I hear…"

Her voice trailed off when she saw the grimace on Ryder's face. "Oh spirits, you just got home," she said, gesturing at the duffle bag in Ryder's hand. "All right, I won't keep you. Drop by the range when you have some time? It will be good to see how much you've improved since."

Ryder waved good bye to the turian. She would only be the first of many reminders of the past.

Home wasn't too far off now. She used to race the distance between the range and their home against Scott. Sometimes she won, other times Scott did. They were mostly an even match, well… other than her biotics. Her hand drifted to her amp again before she forced her hand away.

"Time to go home," she muttered under her breath.

It didn't take long. Ryder stopped in front of a familiar set of doors. She sighed and straightened her Alliance BDU, dusting off invisible dust from her shoulders. Her fingers rubbing against the double chevrons on her collar. With a firm grip on her duffle bag, she tapped the holo-lock. It spun and cycled, eventually it turned green and opened.

She stepped in and found it dark and empty. A breath caught in her throat. Instantly she checked her omni-tool. There were more than 30 messages and missed calls there. All of them from Scott.

"Shit!"

* * *

Her heart thudded as she raced towards the nearest skycar kiosk. There was a long queue. _Fuck it's Friday and everyone wants a skycar!_

Her messages were being ignored. She glanced at her omni-tool again, still no reply from Scott. The messages from him were alarming to put it mildly. Her finger stabbed at the call button again. "Come on, come on!" she muttered as she bounced on her heels.

She watched as skycar after skycar whizzed passed, all of them occupied. _Should I just take the tram?_

The ringtone rang and rang. Then it clicked. Her heart leapt. "Scott!" she blurted, ignoring how loud her voice was as the other people in the queue stared at her.

"You have reached Scott Ryder. He is busy at this moment, he will-"

"Fuck!" she cursed as she terminated the call, immediately setting it to dial again.

5 minutes. The omni-tool just rang on and on.

10 minutes. Not a single fucking skycar stopped.

15 minutes. Ryder was seriously contemplating the tram again.

Finally at 20 minutes, she spied a skycar approaching. "Fuck this shit."

Ryder elbowed her way to the front, ignoring the growls and hisses she got along the way. She had an emergency. It didn't matter if she had to step on a few toes to get her way. One asari was already half way into the skycar when she got to the front. Ryder could feel her biotics just shimmering under her skin. It was so tempting to just Pull the asari off balance.

Her jaw tightened and ran faster instead. One hand clamped onto the wrist of the asari, she whispered, "Sorry."

And Ryder yanked. The asari caught off balance fell heavily on her ass. She took the opportunity to dive into the skycar. Slamming the door shut to cut off the asari's indignant shrieks in her direction, she said, "Huerta Memorial Hospital."

* * *

Ryder spent the ten minute ride over running through all the possible scenarios in her head. But an old memory kept resurfacing, blood on the kitchen floor and she crying as she tried to staunch the bleeding.

 _Fuck._

She shook her head and pressed the heel of her palms into her eyes. A sigh, loud and long escaped her lips as she started praying. "Please be ok, please be ok."

Ryder wasn't religious. Her family of military and science parents left no room for religion. She was taught the basics of several main religions practised by the council species. It wasn't something to occupy her mind beyond learning new things. Now scared and afraid, Ryder pleaded with the cold unyielding sky for a reprieve.

The skycar purred as it slowed down, docking neatly at the visitor's drop off point. Ryder tumbled out and started running.

 _Shit, where is Ma?_

Her boots squeaked as she detoured to the concierge. "Where is Ellen Ryder?" she asked breathlessly.

"One moment," the VI said.

Ryder waited, sweat beading across her brow. As much as she would love to yell at the VI, it would only serve to delay her purposes. An eternity later, the VI chimed. "Ellen Ryder, Level 5, Room 23."

And she was off again, ignoring the admonishments of "No running!". She took the stairs, unable to stand waiting for the elevator.

"Leve 5, level 5," she repeated as she launched herself up the stairs two at a time.

The branching hallways of Huerta Memorial Hospital was arrayed before her as soon as she got to the fifth level. Breathlessly she picked a hall at random and started searching for Room 23. She stiffened when she finally found it. The holo-lock was a forbidding red. Her heart faltered in its rhythm.

"Please be ok, please."

Her steps echoed slightly as she walked towards the door. BDUs rumpled despite her best efforts, sweat stained clear lines across her back. Her hand shook a little as she pressed it against the holo-lock, requesting entry.

It beeped, alerting the occupants inside. The door slid open and her breath was caught in her throat. Inside, even with his back towards her, she knew who that was. Ramrod straight in his Alliance BDUs, even as he sat beside his dying wife's bedside.

"Pa."

* * *

It felt like forever before her father faced her. Her eyes took in his crease free uniform, stiff collar and the gleam of his rank on his collar. Always proper and not a single hair out of place. She stifled the urge to straighten her uniform. As her eyes drifted upwards, tracing the grey in his hair, the deep furrows on his forehead that weren't there the last day she saw him. It was the day she graduated from the early intake biotics programme, the day after was when she shipped out for boot camp.

The only words he spoke that day echoed in her head. "You didn't top your class." It wasn't a question, it was barely an admonishment. It was calmly spoken, a statement more than anything else. Sara Ryder, forever a disappointment in her father's eyes. Of course it didn't matter she was in the top 10% of a highly competitive cohort. It didn't matter all her instructors had commended her on her discipline and proficiency.

 _Nothing was good enough._

Ryder blinked and she was back in the present. With a conscious effort, she forced herself to step into the room, taking care to keep her eyes away from her father's eyes. She didn't need to look to know what she'd find there - disappointment, anger and most of all disgust. Instead, her eyes flicked over to the most important person in the room - her mother lying prone and still on the bed.

"Ma." her voice hushed as if anything louder would send the situation spiralling.

Monitors beeped quietly, the only things that dared to make a sound in the room. An oxygen mask strapped over her face while wires snaked out from her medical gown. Ryder swallowed and sought out her brother. He wasn't in the room. She inhaled sharply, a little too loudly and her father's eyes jerked over to her. Brown met grey.

Failure, displeasure and loathing. Ryder's spine stiffened and she drew up her chin.

 _No, this isn't how our first meeting in years is going to go. I am my own person. I am a fucking corporal. I've proven myself many times over. I am more than what you've made me._

Something must have showed in her eyes because her father looked away, turning back to her mother. "Where were you?" he demanded harshly.

"I just landed on the Citadel," her voice tight.

"That was more than an hour ago."

There it was, the reprimand. Ryder drew herself up and shifted into a standing at attention stance. She was the little soldier he had trained. And he always wanted them to report whenever he returned home from some secret N7 mission. _Those were such innocent times. I was innocent, the times weren't._

Ryder reported, everything she had done, the actions she had taken since she stepped off the Alliance transport. Facts, not emotions. The only thing she left out was the thudding of her heart, how hard she ran and the scattering of prayers in the skycar. Those were hers to keep.

"You should have seen the messages sent to your omni-tool."

"But-" Ryder cut herself off. _Why am I still defending myself? Nothing will be explanation enough._

"What if your mother needed your help and you took the scenic route home?" he pressed.

Ryder's jaw tightened and kept her eyes focused in the middle distance. Her father's question echoed in her head. Her body wound tighter and tighter with every word her father spoke.

"Sara, I'm disappointed with you. I'd thought enlisting would make something out of you. You-"

The door hissed open. Ryder didn't turn her head, a credit to all the training her father had put on them. Her eyes did flick in that direction.

"Sara!" Scott said as he entered the room.

His presence sliced through the tension in the room like a hot knife through butter. "Pa, this is not the fucking time or place. She is here and that's enough. I'm sure she got here as soon as she could."

With Scott in the room, Ryder gave herself permission to relax. She dared to shift into an at ease stance. Their father turned to face Scott, his eyes softened. She bit back the disappointment that inevitably well up in her chest. _Stupid girl. What were you expecting? Open arms and a hug? Don't waste your time looking for his approval._

Without another word, their father left the room. As soon as the door closed, Scott sighed. "Hey Sara," he exhaled.

"Hey," she replied, her own voice a little shaky, a little tired.

 _Not two hours on the Citadel and here we are again._

"Come here," her brother opened his arms and beckoned at her.

She crossed the space between them and wrapped her arms around him. His arms tightened around her chest. The physical contact unlocked a binding she didn't know she had and she relaxed.

"Welcome home."

* * *

Ryder blinked as she wiped the corner of her mouth with the back of her hand. _Damn, I fell asleep._

Then a light chuckle came from beside her. She straightened and jerked her head over. "Ma!"

A sense of panic washed over her, she stood up, unsure what to do. "Are you in pain? Do you need the doctor?"

Another short chuckle as her mother started to push herself up. "No, no, just lie back, the doctor is not going to be happy with this," Ryder said.

Her mother levelled her a look. "There is only one doctor in this room and that isn't you, Sara."

Ryder snorted and the tension left her shoulders. She hit the button so that the bed shifted into a better position, allowing her mother to sit up without effort. "Better?"

Her mother nodded. "Why are you still here?"

"I wanted to see you," Ryder replied, reaching out to hold her mother's hand under the covers.

A wan little smile and her mother let the lie slid. Of course, her mother would see her through. Wanting to see Ma was only half the reason, the other reason was just avoiding going home. "I'm ok."

She looked into her mother's name, disbelief and worry shimmering on the surface. Her mother ran her fingers over her knuckles. She looked down. Her mother's fingers were bone thin. The years were not kind.

 _I should have visited more. I should have been here._

"Hey," her mother said. "Look at me."

Guilt pushed tears down her face as she met her mother's eyes. "Silly girl," her mother chuckled and wiped her thumbs over Ryder's eyes. "Come here."

She scooted a little towards side and patted the space she just vacated. Ryder hesitated. She wasn't the kid that needed her mother to comfort her all the time. In fact she was supposed to be here _for_ her mother, not the other way around.

Then, her mother blinked rapidly and frowned. She cocked her head and seemed to be seeing Ryder for the first time. "Sara, you're here," she said.

The breath caught in Ryder's throat and the lump grew. Her jaw tightened. she nodded and forced a smile. "Yeah I'm here now."

AEND wrecked Ellen Ryder's body, taking her physical strength, taking her ability to do research that she enjoyed, giving her fainting spells. Most of all it was slowly but surely eating her mind from the inside out.

 _It's fucking unfair._


	2. Hello Janus

Chapter 2 - Hello Janus

A/N: I'm running a giveaway on my Tumblr. I am reblogging the post once a day and it ends early February, do check it out.

I have awesome art cover for this chapter over on Tumblr or AO3.

* * *

"Have you got your assignment?"

Ryder looked up from her omni-tool. Her eyes darted to her father, narrowing slightly. "Are you talking to me?" she asked tentatively.

"Yes." His eyes pierced her, making her feel stupid for asking.

Scott was looking at her expectantly. "Tell me where the brand spanking new Corporal is heading to?" he asked, wagging his eyebrows in her direction.

* * *

"Hey, I heard we're getting a baby Corporal," Sagh said as he cleaned his rifle.

"Yeah," Tao replied, "she's coming in about a week, I think."

"Her? The baby corporal is a girl?" Melnik spluttered.

"What's the problem? Is that so surprising?" Tao narrowing his eyes at the younger man. _Boy, actually._

Melnik shrugged while Sagh watched the exchange. "So the girls get all the easy assignments huh?" Melnik sneered.

Tao tossed his oil covered rag at him. The cloth smacked right into his face mid-rant. Sagh and Tao roared with laughter as Melnik spat, flinging the cloth back.

"You're here, aren't you?" Sagh pointed out.

Melnik sulked, turning back to his dismantled rifle, his fair skin blushing with embarrassment.

Sagh cocked his head at Tao. "Do you know who she is?"

Tao shrugged. "No fucking clue. Ishida seemed impressed though."

Sagh cocked his head, curiosity rising with his eyebrows. "The Sarge is probably more relieved that he doesn't have to deal with us anymore," he retorted.

"Maybe so," Melnik said, "Ah damn, I hope she is a looker."

Tao rolled his eyes. _What's wrong with him? It's like he is some sex-starved fiend._ It was this kind of "locker room" talk that got his ire up. For him, it didn't bother him. he didn't swing that way. Tao was loyal and Ryan was always a message away.

Tao looked outside. Janus was not happy today.

Janus, one of Sharring's 60 moons, twin to Hephaestus. Both giant grey balls of matter floating around in space. Normally boring and useless until someone found signs of Prothean ruins. Janus was the ugly sister to Hephaestus. With the interesting finds happening over on Hephaestus, Janus was pretty much neglected. Despite that, the archaeologists stationed here were optimistic.

 _The archaeologists are always optimistic, even after years of digging._

That's why they were here, sitting pretty in the Theseus system. A bunch of misfits guarding a bunch of Prothean archaeologists. Tao was there because he was injured while on active duty. It was the cumulative effect of his injuries that made him a little more fragile than the regular grunt but being too qualified for desk duty; he was relegated to playing bodyguard at a base that didn't really need it. The others were varying degrees of unsuitable for one reason or another and got shunted from place to place till they ended up on Janus.

Tao wasn't complaining, it was boring work mostly. But boring was good. As far as he was concerned, maintaining a garrison of eight was overkill. This was after all the ass end of nowhere. That and they were getting a brand spanking new anti-air defence system. It was the first of its kind, a mid-range system that could hit any craft in the upper atmosphere. Why the brass figured Janus was a good place as any to act as a test bed when there was nothing to shoot at, Tao had no idea.

 _And now we have a baby corporal coming. Melnik isn't wrong, this is an easy assignment. The brass probably want to get the kid's feet wet before transferring her out if she had any potential._

Tao shrugged it wasn't any of his business but he didn't envy the kid's placement here. It would be dull as hell, but maybe keeping up with eight other guys was adventure enough for the baby Corporal.

* * *

"The ass end of nowhere apparently," Ryder said. "Janus, one of Sharring's moons."

Scott cocked his head and blinked. "Indeed, I don't know we have a base on Janus."

"It's barely garrison duty, it's more like baby-sitting duty," she muttered. "It makes no sense why I'm posted here. I'm a fully trained biotic specialist."

Their father cleared his throat, looking somewhat satisfied. "Every job is important, don't disrespect your orders. It is unbecoming of you."

Ryder took a deep breath and shook her head. _Fuck, I can't even grouse._ "I'm off to see Ma," she announced, standing up and cleared her space.

The trash went into the recycler. And the plates into the washer. Scott was busy slurping the remnants of his food as quickly as he could.

"I'm coming too," Scott blurted.

Their father's eyes lingered on the closed door even after they had left.

* * *

It was late morning and the skycar lines were empty. The Ryder twins piled into the first car. Ryder sighed while Scott snorted. "You know, I'm pissed with you," he said.

She kept her eyes to the front, not looking at her older twin. "Yeah, I figured."

"Would it kill you to visit more often?" he went on. "You know how much Ma misses you. And Pa isn't always home."

"Well for one thing, I was mostly on pirate patrol, I couldn't just leave whenever I feel like it. The travel alone means I wouldn't be able to stay long for my visits, anyway."

"What does this mean for this visit?"

Ryder shook her head. "I have to leave tonight."

Scott sighed, his jaw tightening. "Maybe it's for the best. You and Pa…"

"Yeah, me and Pa. You know, I wish…" she took a shuddering breath. "I'm sorry that so much has been put on you."

Scott reached out and grabbed her hand. It was warm, it was here. Her exhale joined his as their hands tightened over each other's. "I know. I know," he said.

For a moment, there was no sound, just the purring of the mini mass effect drive. Scott cleared his throat and said, "Enough about that. Why don't we talk about that shiny new chevron on your BDU? You're making me look bad, I'm still a lowly lance-corporal. Can you leave me some room to shine?"

At that she turned to meet Scott's eyes. "You're doing fine. Someone is bound to figure that out eventually," she said, punching him in the arm.

"Easy for you to say, war hero, huh?"

"What? It was just a scratch."

"Wounded in the line of duty, saved colonists from being chipped, hailed as a war hero in Citadel space," Scott listed off on his fingers.

"War hero?" That earned him a harder punch. "If that's what it takes to get promoted, I think I'll pass. I'll doubt I'll see any action anytime soon."

"What about you? Are you still stationed on Earth?"

Scott shook his head as his lips pulled into a grin. "No, My transfer has been approved. Arcturus station here I come!"

"Congratulations!"

The skycar shuddered as it landed on the pad. Ryder pushed the door and slid out. They walked shoulder to shoulder into Huerta Memorial Hospital.

* * *

"Sara, I'm sorry that I'm stuck in the hospital throughout your visit," her mother said.

"No, don't apologise," she soothed. "I'm sorry for not visiting more often."

"Don't be silly," her mother pulled Ryder into a hug.

She buried her nose into the crook of her mother's neck and breathed in the scent. Underneath the sterile smell of the hospital, underneath the dry cotton of her gown, there was the faint scent of lavender she associated with her mother. Ryder inhaled, trying to store the memory for when she missed her mother.

"I'll still be here when you come back to visit again," Ma whispered into her ear. "Take care of yourself."

"I will," she promised.

As her mother released her from the embrace, Ryder lingered for a moment longer before pulling apart, her hand wiping the stray tear away.

After sharing a much shorter hug with Scott, she left. Their father had taken off earlier for yet another mission. There was always another mission, another job. If not that, it was holing up in his armoury turned office for this new project that seemed to consume all his time. Scott had been vague on the details. She didn't want to know. Asking meant she cared, and she didn't.

Sighing, she jammed herself into the only available seat, ready for the first leg of her journey to her new assignment. The guilt still rode heavy in her gut, balanced only by worry. Still, it didn't stop Ryder from running away from it all. That much she was honest about.

* * *

Kovács sighed, running his hand through his blonde hair. Sitting inside the Mako with nothing to do was a special kind of hell. Janus' connection to the comm buoy was sporadic at best. It was good enough for surface communications but anything beyond Janus was sketchy. With one of Janus' frequent sand storms winding up right then, it meant shitty connections to the wider system. An awful connection meant no extranet, and that meant utter boredom.

 _At least these storms are just an inconvenience and not actually deadly._

He tapped at his omni-tool. The shuttle was inbound, but it was still a little while off. "I hope the shuttle comes before the storm slams into the port," he muttered.

Kovács yawned, stretching his legs out as far as the Mako allowed. He had spent the entire night taking advantage of the clear signal to chat with his girlfriend. The five minute lag both ways sucked, but at least he got to see his girl. Kovács folded his hands and placed them behind his head. He closed his eyes, preferring the view in his mind's eye than the brown flat expanse that was Janus.

A series of three solid taps sounded from his side of the Mako. His eyes flew open. Kovács jerked upright, attempting to stand up but only half succeeding.

"What?!"

His exclamation was abruptly cut off when his head made contact against the roof of the Mako. Kovács pressed both hands over his bruised skull as his eyes squeezed shut.

Another series of three taps came again.

Kovács opened an eye to see what was making the sound. It was a blurry image of a fully armoured Alliance soldier hanging onto the exterior of the Mako. He blinked, clearing the tears from his eyes. The soldier waved their hand at him and cocked their head. They mimed opening the door. Kovács could see a duffle over the soldier's shoulder, one hand cupping their visor as they pressed their helmet against the Mako's window. He jerked backwards at the sight of an opaque helmet so close to his face. The fright helped a little to clear the fuzziness from sleep and the distracting pain of his head. Then, Kovács remembered.

"Oh, shit."

* * *

Ryder sighed.

 _Wonderful, sleeping on the fucking job. Is this going to be the calibre of people on Janus? Let's hope this is the exception to the rule._

She glanced at the horizon. The storm was approaching and at a speed she had never seen before. Getting caught in the storm, even riding something as known for its durability as the Mako wouldn't be pleasant. The rolling cloud of dust put new meaning to dust storms.

She turned back to the soldier that was blinking owlishly at her. With a finger, she pointed at the horizon and tried the Mako's door again. It was locked. Frustration mounting, she rapped her knuckles on the window, pointed at the storm and mimed opening the door.

 _Maybe he concussed himself from that thump against the roof of the Mako. The Mako is hard after all._

The vast storm front was picking up dust, sand and debris along the way. It was sending a wall of brown fog directly towards them. _Come on, wake up soldier. I don't want to fucking die because you won't open the damn door._

Ryder formed a gun with her fingers and pantomimed shooting the door off. That seemed to get the soldier's attention. He peered out the windscreen at the horizon. His eyes widened as his lips flapped. She could make out a single word repeated many times over.

* * *

"Shit, shit, shit," Kovács all but shouted as he tapped on his omni-tool, unlocking the doors.

The soldier wasted no time hopping into the Mako and slamming the door shut. Kovács thumbed the starter button and mini drive core hummed to life. The soldier threw their duffle into the back. The moment their safety belt clicked shut, Kovács stepped on the accelerator and Mako lurched into motion. The soldier turned to look at Kovács, but he couldn't see their expression. Their helmet was opaque except for the slit of reinforced clear visor revealing a pair of brown eyes. The pair of eyes narrowed as they stabbed at the windscreen. Kovács instantly shifted his attention back to where they were going.

* * *

The storm was in full force. "Thank fuck, the barracks is weather sealed," Tao said.

Melnik snorted. "If it wasn't, we would have our asses flapping in the fucking wind."

Sagh rolled his eyes as he buckled his armour on. "And you get to sit here, all nice and warm and fucking sand free while the rest of us have to work," he said as he straightened, holstering the standard issue Avenger to his back and Predator to his hip.

"Try breaking an ankle and see how you like it," Tao retorted, lifting his omni-cast encased leg in the air.

"I'd much rather work. Sitting around doesn't suit me. I am a man of action," Melnik said, preening a little with his rifle.

"Come on, Private," Sagh said, pulling his helmet on, securing it.

With a couple of snaps, their helmets sealed over their faces. Their armour all scratched and dinged, not from battle but from the elements. Janus was hard on everything, the equipment, the vehicles and most of all the people. It wore everything down, and it got everywhere. Small, deceptively innocuous, but it ground down the best in people. Slowly but surly it buffed away the edges of some, leaving them a ball of apathy. Others had their quirks sharpened, distilling the essence, good or bad, of their personality.

All Tao wanted was to finish his tour and get the fuck out. He gave his word to Ryan, and he intended to fulfil his promise. Sagh, Melnik and the others? He had no clue and he couldn't summon the interest to care beyond a cursory curiosity.

"See you later," Tao said from his position on his bunk.

Melnik nodded. "We'll put the baby Corporal through her paces tomorrow," he said, his voice getting filtered through his helmet, making it sound unreal.

There was but a moment of peace after Melnik's and Sagh's departure when Tao's team, Amir and Gracia, came in from their shift. There was a decontamination process that helped keep the sand they track around the barracks down.

"Has the ankle rotted off yet?" Gracia asked as he peeled himself out of his armour.

"Not quite but it is marinating quite nicely in my own juices."

Amir's dusky skin paled at the mention of juices. He made a face and left for the showers in his boxers, a towel over one shoulder. Gracia came over, pulling Tao's ankle towards him roughly. His olive skin turned orange in the glow of the omni-cast. After a perfunctory check, he smacked the omni-cast with his armoured hand, Tao jerked his foot back. "What the fuck?" he yelled.

"There, see. No pain, right? It's mostly healed. You can probably avoid a trip to the medical centre on Hephaestus," Gracia said.

The shorter man walked to his bunk to stow his armour away.

"When can I get rid of this?" Tao asked, gesturing towards the cast.

"In a day or two. Then you get a fuck ton of physio," Gracia said as he stripped down to his boxers.

Tao shrugged. They were glorified security guards for a Prothean dig site. And it was a minor one at that. There were just 20 archaeologists on site. _Or as Garcia will call them, dirt diggers._ They were mostly no trouble, maybe a little unruly after some drinks. But it didn't take much to subdue a sad drunk.

"Walker won't care unless there is a big screwup. Anyway, he is over on Hephaestus, why would he deign to grace us with his attention?" Tao snorted.

Lieutenant Walker was indifferent with the comings and goings of the Janus base. He had left Sergeant Ishida in charge and that was the extent of his involvement. Tao shook his head, he wished he was ignorant to such things. It would have made life much easier. It was a stone in his chest knowing their base, by extension he and his squad mates, didn't even registered on his CO's mind.

"Well, Ishida will keep the show running, I mean how hard is it to just stare at the screens and let the computer do all the work," Tao continued.

"Don't forget about all the patrolling for non-existent threats," Garcia pointed out. "My fucking feet hurts from all that walking."

"You'd think you'll be used to it by now. How long have you been here? Hasn't it been years?"

Garcia shrugged, stripping out of his armour. "This is the easiest job I have since I enlisted, boy," he said, putting emphasis on the last word.

Tao frowned, their age gap wasn't all that much, but he didn't bother calling Garcia out on it. It wasn't worth the effort.

"I hear we have a baby coming today?" Gracia asked, now somehow completely buck naked with his towel on his shoulder, standing with his hands on his hips. "It's our first one in months."

Tao blinked. As much as he enjoyed the male form, this was a little too much right before bedtime. "Yeah, Kovács went to get the baby. They should be here soon unless the storm turned the shuttle back to Hephaestus."

Gracia snorted. "The old baby getting the new baby?"

Tao shrugged, watching as the naked man walked towards the showers.

* * *

Ryder kept her eyes forward. The soldier kept stealing glances at her. Her helmet's HUD kept flickering, registering the motion. It was getting close to irritating. Normally Ryder would have removed her helmet the moment she got into a vehicle, but with the storm blowing in, she figured to keep it on just in case things went horribly wrong.

She fought to keep from continuously glancing behind to check on the storm. The Mako didn't have a clear window on the rear. There was nothing she could see. Still, it didn't assuage the itch that was developing between her shoulder blades. In a bid to distract herself, she started on a message to her mother.

* * *

Kovács couldn't help the surreptitious glances at his passenger. They had opted to tap on their omni-tool, ignoring him. Detecting a slight turn of their head in his direction, Kovács quickly flicked his eyes back on the road. They shifted their attention back to their omni-tool, and the Mako hummed along.

He shifted in his seat, he couldn't quite get comfortable. The silence ate at him. Even though the barracks didn't house hundreds of soldiers like back at boot camp, it wasn't as quiet as a tomb either.

"I hear you're going to be our new Corporal," he said as he winced, his voice pitched higher than usual. _Why the hell did I say that? Of course they're our new Corporal. Way to put your foot in your mouth._

His passenger nodded but their fingers were busy on their omni-tool.

 _What could they possibly be tapping their omni-tool for? With the storm on our asses, there is no way they're accessing the extranet._

Kovács cleared his throat and went on. "You'll like the guys. The Sarge is pretty chill. Oh, his name is Ishida. The others are great too. Sagh and Melnik those are the guys on my squad. And there's also Amir and Garcia. Tao's laid up in the barrack after breaking his ankle."

Kovács glanced at his passenger. There was no way to tell if they were paying attention or just nodding along to humour him, but he was already committed. He soldiered on. "You got to get him to tell you how he broke his ankle. Garcia is our field medic, he fixed Tao right up."

Kovács laughed nervously, filling in both ends of the conversation himself. "I've never heard a man scream so high, like a girl," his voice cracked right at the end.

His passenger coughed, trying to hide a chuckle. Kovács wanted to die right then. It wasn't bad enough he had fallen asleep while waiting for the Corporal, he made a fool of himself twice. Biting on his tongue, Kovács decided maybe silence wasn't so bad after all.

* * *

Ryder almost choked trying to hold back her laughter as her typing faltered. The soldier was comedic gold in that unintentional manner. But she was still worried about the storm. From the data she had pulled up during her shuttle ride down to Janus, she knew the distance between the port and the base was a 30-minute trip each way

With the way the Mako was eating up the distance. They were just barely keeping their lead on the storm. But it was definitely gaining on them fast. Ryder could feel the Mako drifting sideways when sudden gusts of wind slammed into the vehicle. The soldier kept his grip firm on the steering wheel as he guided the Mako as safely and quickly as he could.

Even though it was close to sunset, it was supposed to still be light enough to see the road by. The storm was doing its best to swallow the sun. There was a constant clattering of sand flinging themselves against the exterior. It felt like the Mako had a blanket of debris wrapped around it.

Ryder stiffened. Her typing stilled. Her focus shifted from the vast expanse they were racing down to the reinforced glass windscreen. It was the most fragile barrier between them and the storm. The constant plinking sound was unsettling.

 _Can the windscreen take this?_

The light plinks of sand and stones against glass gave way to a dull roar. She turned her head and cast an eye on the interior of the Mako. Her teeth worried at her upper lip. Tapping at her omni-tool, she hooked herself into the Mako's computers, bringing up the view from the rear camera.

There was nothing but a dark swirling mess.

Her heart clenched. Ryder turned slightly to the soldier. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat, his eyes flicking between the road and herself. "Can this thing go any faster?" she asked, praying that her armour's voice box hid the worry.

The soldier didn't bother answering, he stepped down on the pedal. The Mako lurched forward, going faster than before, but there was no outrunning a storm. She didn't need to look to know sweat was beading along the soldier's forehead.

Then the sun winked out. _Fuck._

The dull roar was now a cacophony of sand, rocks, large and small clanking against the Mako. All that was visible was the mere ten metres ahead. The headlights were the only light that was beating back the chaos of the storm.

Worry was fast turning into fear. "Is this normal?"

The soldier's jaw twitched. "Never so bad," he gulped, his hands tightened over the steering wheel.

"Right," she nodded, trying to steady herself.

She brought up the map, the distance between them and the base rapidly shrinking but not as fast as she wanted. _Get a grip, you're the commanding NCO. Don't fucking freak out on your first day here._ She took a deep breath silently inside her helmet. "You can do this, you can get us home."

The soldier nodded.


	3. The Ride Back

Chapter 3 - The Ride Back

Tao glanced at his omni-tool. He turned to the sky outside. The storm had slammed into the base like a blast from a Thannix canon. Amir and Garcia were still in the showers.

 _And Kovács is still not back._

Tao grunted as he stood. The medi-cast took his weight well, but it was still sore if he overworked the ankle. He was worried. Tao headed out their shared sleeping quarters towards Ishida's room.

 _That bastard took the only private room in the place._

There was a red holo-lock on the door. Tao pressed his palm against it to announce his presence. It took just a couple of seconds for it to turn green and hissed open. "One minute," a voice drifted over from inside.

Tao hobbled in.

"Hey buddy, that's all for today. I'll record another chapter to you tomorrow," Ishida spoke.

"Story time for your son?" Tao asked.

A black hair man dressed in the standard blue Alliance uniform got up from his desk and approached him. "Yeah, recording it. I was supposed to call him tonight but you know... the storm," he gestured at the windows.

Tao and Ishida weren't just fellow soldiers. They had enlisted and trained together as rookies.

Ishida nodded as he got up from his desk. "It's not the same, but it's the best I can do, being stuck here," he said. "What's up?"

"Has Kovács reported in, Sergeant?"

"Come on, Tao. Do you really want me to address you by your rank instead of your name?" Ishida asked. "You know better than to call me that when we're alone,"

Tao grinned while Ishida ran his hand through his hair before checking the time on his omni-tool. "No, to answer your question," he replied, "but I've checked with the guys at the port, the shuttle left just before the storm hit. Our baby Corporal isn't stranded somewhere out in space waiting out the storm."

Tao snorted as he glanced out of the window meaningfully. There was nothing to see, just sand and more sand swirling around. He hummed in frustration.

Ishida chuckled. "Ever the mother hen huh?"

He glanced at the window and grunted. With a quick tap on his omni-tool, Ishida turned his window opaque. "Worry only when they are actually late. They probably left just ahead of the storm."

Tao sighed, not looking convinced.

"With the only hard lines running between the base and port, they will be out of comms signal anyway. You know how hardy those Makos are anyway."

"Yeah, those things never die, no matter how badly you drive one," Tao agreed.

He couldn't help think his desire to have a kid had sent his paternal instincts into overdrive. And this flock of wild children needed some serious tending. He had two missing chicks out there in the storm.

"But maybe if we could send-"

Ishida sighed, running her fingers through his hair. "You know sending another Mako out to look for them is not going to be a great idea."

Tao grimaced. "Fine, fine," he said as he sank into an empty chair.

Ishida turned back to his terminal, ignoring Tao. They were so similar at the start of their career but after boot camp, they were assigned to different posts. Look how they turned out. Tao was still a lowly lance-corporal while Ishida was a sergeant, running the show, albeit a backwater Alliance base but that was still something, right?

 _That's what getting blown up in your first posting does to your career._

Tao shook his head, pushing old thoughts out of his head. It was useless to dwell on shit like this. He just wanted to last long enough to end of his current five-year stint and get out with his bonus.

 _And Ryan has waited long enough. With the bonus we can finally finding a nice and quiet colony and actually spend more time together._

That thought put a smile on his lips. Tao sighed.

"I'll let you know when it's really time to worry," Ishida called as Tao made his way out.

* * *

The Mako was quiet. Well, quiet was a relative term. The plinks and clanks of debris hitting the Mako, even muffled through the heavy armour plates, was a near constant drone. Ryder's eyes darted worryingly over everything within her field of vision. An odd creaking sound caught her ears. Worry spiked as she searched for the source of the noise. The soldier's leather gloves were tightening over the rubber grip of the steering wheel over and over.

 _Creak…_

She sighed.

 _Say something. The private is way too wind up. He is going to freak out if something just goes slightly wrong and jerk that damn wheel. And we'll all go flipping in the wind._

Ryder blurted the first question that came to her mind. "What's your name?"

 _Oh for fuck's sake, that's the best question you can think of?_ She groaned inwardly at herself. However, the question seemed to work. The soldier blinked and frowned a little, but his grip relaxed.

He turned and looked at her, blue eyed and blonde hair, looking so damn young. _Fuck, did he just came out of boot?_

"Ahh…" he said.

 _Did I fucking break him?_

"Private, what's your name?" she repeated, pressing her advantage, checking his collar for his rank.

He cleared his throat this time. "Kovács, Istvan," the answer came out shakily and a little higher than before.

Well, that was a better response than before. Then, his gloves creaked again. _Come on, keep the conversation going. That's not hard right? This should be fucking easy. Just simple human shit._

"My name is Ryder," she offered.

He nodded and repeated her name to himself. "Ryder, yeah Ryder."

She waited for the instant look of recognition, the double take, the question that inevitably came from having a well known father. Her eyes narrowed, sure it was going to come any moment now. The seconds ticked by. Nothing. She exhaled.

 _Now that's refreshing._

Pleasantly surprised, she hummed. Kovács took his eyes off the road, his expression bemused and a little more relaxed than before.

In the space between seconds, Ryder spotted something dark ahead. "Watch the road!" she hissed.

But as her voice launched the words from her mouth, the Mako jerked. The movement launched them for a split second into the air, as it ran over a larger than usual crater. Without the five point harness strapping her securely against the seat, Ryder was sure she would have smashed her head against the windscreen. "Fuck," Ryder cursed, bracing herself against the dashboard. "Just watch the road."

Her eyes couldn't help, but check the integrity of the windscreen again. Her heart thudded in protest of the scare. Kovács looked paler than he had before as he nodded fevertly. His gloves creaked again.

 _And we're back at square one._

The Mako hummed happily along, the only one blasé about the entire situation.

 _Maybe shutting up is the best thing to do._

She sighed inwardly. Being a corporal was different from being a private or even a lance-corporal. She was expected to lead, to inspire, to bolster morale. Despite going through the training, having the chevron on her collar to prove that she was a corporal, Ryder didn't feel remotely ready to do it.

She wasn't good with talking or charismatic like Scott was. She didn't have the years of experience or the sheer competence like her father. What she did have was her common sense and her biotics. Her jaw tightened as she pushed her doubts and apprehension aside. There were more pressing business at hand.

Minutes ticked by, but they passed like they were hours. Kovács broke the silence. "There's the base," he said, relief ringing clear in his voice.

Her eyes darted towards her map, their tiny little blip was indeed closer now. She could make out the road a little better, like they were finally outpacing the storm. In the distance, there was something, but it was still vague enough that she refused to celebrate yet. She kept a vigilant watch. She didn't need a repeat of what happened earlier. That took five years off her lifespan, she was sure.

Out of the corner of her eye, Kovács turned towards her, taking his fucking eyes off the road again. His mouth split in a goofy grin as he jabbed his finger at the vague structure ahead.

There was something small, something fast whizzed directly at them. Even a pebble at the velocity that the winds were travelling would be deadly. Ryder acted. Instincts overriding everything else.

A warning. "Look out!"

Then, her hand shot out and jerked the steering wheel out of Kovács' hands.

"Hey!" he protested, angry and confused.

As the Mako swerved to the left, their bodies slammed against the side. A loud thump was followed by the unmistakable sound of something cracking.

 _Fuck._

She let go of the wheel once she was sure Kovács had his attention where it belonged once more. Her eyes were focused on the spider-web lines of cracking glass radiated from the top right corner of the windscreen.

"Shit," he cursed, also noticing it.

"Watch where you're going!" she shouted.

Ryder's heart slammed against her chest. She had to do something. Her left hand twisted in the familiar mnemonic, drawing from her core. A sharp scent of ozone suffused the air.

She kept it tightly controlled, keeping the flashy parts of biotics under wraps. Ryder grimaced behind her helmet, her teeth set on edge. Her concentration pin-point sharp as she pulled up a barrier just over the affected area.

 _No need to make it too obvious._

Ryder didn't want to take any chances especially with the windscreen, but at the same time she didn't trust Kovács not to freak out. Most Alliance grunts weren't trained to work alongside biotics, unless they were part of the combat squads. Kovács is green and part of a garrison force. Both things pointed towards a lack of exposure to biotics.

Fear and biogtry against biotics were commonplace and the Alliance was no different. And as far as biotics had come, there were still so many people who didn't understand biotics, didn't care to understand them. Thus biotics would always remained as freaks, mutants and all manner of unsavoury words to those people. Biotics were discovered in the wake of babies being born with horrible birth defects and incurable cancers. The fear, the hatred were understandable to a certain degree, but the biotics were children too. They didn't ask for the curse they bore.

She sighed. This wasn't the time to ponder about the misogyny that biotics faced. As much as she didn't want to announce the fact she was a biotic, even though a simple check of her Alliance records would reveal the truth easily enough, she wasn't about to let them get eaten up by a sand storm.

Ryder gritted her teeth and concentrated on keeping the windscreen in one piece. Corporal or no, Alliance or no, some prejudices ran too deep.

* * *

Kovács frowned but kept his eyes trained on the road, finally learning his lesson. The faint cracking sound tugged at his attention. Out of his peripheral vision, he could see the snaking lines as the crack widened. It was expanding. Panic surged up his chest. _This is not good._ A strange faint blue glow covered the crack. The sound stopped. _What the fuck?_

"This is reinforced glass right?" Kovács blurted, trying to make sense of what he was seeing.

"Fuck, should I know!" Ryder barked their voice curt, trying to keep a tight control on something. They gestured with their hand. "Just drive!"

The bright spot on the horizon grew brighter until a sudden shift in the wind direction revealed the lights of the base. The perimeter gates was wide open and inviting. Kovács, to his credit, drove the Mako in safely. As it came to a jerky stop, he panted. Sweat drenched his brow as he took in his surroundings. He couldn't quite believe he did it.

Ryder sagged back against their seat, their breaths coming through the helmet harsh and loud. _As if they were the one actually keeping their asses out of the damn storm._ Kovács snorted, noticing that pieces of the windscreen were actually falling onto the dashboard. It wasn't just a crack it was now a fucking hole. He frowned as he picked up one of the larger pieces.

"How?" he turned towards the Corporal, but he found they had exited the Mako.

Kovács hopped out quickly to follow. "Did you see that? The windscreen, it…" His words dried up in his mouth as the Corporal took off their helmet.

Long brown hair that was bundled into a ponytail tumbled out of the helmet. Large brown eyes turned to regard him and Kovács blinked. "You're a girl?"

She frowned, narrowing her eyes at him. "What about it, Private?" she replied, the emphasis on his rank.

 _Shit, shit, shit._ "No ma'am, no problem, ma'am," Kovács stammered, snapping a salute at her. "I…"

She shook her head and snorted, cutting him off. "Just show me to the barracks, Kovács."

She rubbed her forehead, looking at him as if he was a mild irritant. It was then he realised she wasn't dressed in the standard blue Alliance armour as his eyes drifted over her. Hers was a matte grey, black and blue. She only had a pistol strapped to her thigh, no weapons on her magnetic holsters.

A sigh pulled his attention. His eyes snapped back to hers, noting her much shorter height. _Why the fuck didn't I notice before?_

"Kovács, I'm tired, it's late. I want to get some chow, a shower and then bunk in. How does that sound?"

Kovács nodded. "Sounds great, ma'am."

Before he could lead her anywhere, the Sergeant came in with Tao. Kovács' gaze drifted between the two and gulped. _I'm probably in big fucking trouble. She must have been writing me up on her omni-tool._ He sighed and waited to be berated.

She snapped to attention and saluted. "At ease, Corporal," Ishida said. "Welcome to Janus, I'm sorry you arrived in one of the worst storms ever."

She offered a wan smile. "It's fine, sir. I survived, thanks to Private Kovács."

Ishida's eyes flicked over to him. Kovács straightened, his hand automatically snapping a salute. "Is that so, Kovács?"

"Yes, Sergeant." he said, "But uhh… the windscreen is broken."

Ishida sighed. "How did you manage that? The Mako is well nigh in destructible. There is always just something with you huh, Kovács."

Then a clear growl of an empty stomach interrupted him. All eyes turned to the new Corporal. He laughed.

"Right," he said, turning to Tao, "Get our baby Corporal to the mess and show her around, will you?"

"Will do," Tao replied easily.

Ishida turned back to him, hands on his hips. "Now show me what the fuck you broke, Kovács."

Tao jerked his head towards the door that led to the rest of the base. She pulled her duffle bag over her shoulder. "Thanks for the ride, Kovács," she said as she left.

Kovács nodded. "Yes, ma'am"

The baby Corporal sighed. "Enough with the ma'am bullshit, Kovács. My name is Ryder, use it."


	4. First Day At Work

Chapter 4 - First Day at Work

Ryder frowned even as she kept her eyes closed. A bunch of voices drifted over from both sides of her bed. Lockers were being opened roughly and slammed closed. There was no care taken for how loud they spoke or just bumbled around the lockers. Vaguely she wondered what time it was. She was sure it wasn't quite dawn, whatever passed for dawn on Janus, just yet.

Ryder knew she the ranking non-commissioned officer in the barracks, but at the same time she was young. _Thank fuck I'm not the youngest, otherwise I'll be getting no end of grief. Being the youngest Corporal is bad enough._ Ishida made that very clear when he called her baby Corporal. She cringed at the nickname. From what she could tell, the other men had the same idea. _Lead by example why don't you, Sergeant?_

New base, new assignment, but it was the same old shit. Enlisting at 16 via the then brand new Alliance Biotics programme did her no favours in this department. And fuck why did she have to look so baby-faced too?

"Who is this?" a voice asked, coming from somewhere to her left.

Ryder could feel the presence bending over her. "That's the baby," a second voice replied.

"Really? Is she a looker?" the voice said, edging closer.

Through her closed eyes she could sense the barrack's overhead lights darkened as if someone was bending over her. This had gone too far. Ryder's eyes snapped over to find a boy with a mop of brown hair, not quite a man probably younger than she was, peering at her. He jerked back in fright.

"Shit!" he yelled, pressing a hand against his chest. "You're trying to scare the shit out of me?"

Ryder sighed. _This is the part I hate it the most._ It was the same wherever she went. Her jaw was set as she sat up. She eyed the two flanking her. They had bunks on either side of her.

 _Different squad, same bullshit, all the fucking time._

She swung her legs off her bed and stood. Her hands quick with a hair tie to pull her hair into a sloppy ponytail tied low. _One cannot look intimidating if one has bed head._

Ignoring the one who had been hovering her in favour of the other, "What's going on?"

"Shift change. We just got back," the dusky skinned man replied as he moved back to his bunk to stow his gear.

Ryder glanced around at the barracks and realised it was empty save for Tao and Kovács. Both of them were still snoring away. She tapped on her omni-tool - 0600 hours. One glance out the windows, Ryder could see the swirling sands, the storm hadn't blown itself out just yet. She barely had three hours of sleep. And that's hot on the heels of all the bad sleep she got transferring from ship to ship trying to get from the Citadel to Janus.

"What's your name?" The boy asked, a cheeky grin on his face, recovering from his fright. "I'm Melnik."

Ryder regarded Melnik for a moment. His stance wide and open, the cock of his hip confident. He was assured with his charm. She raised an eyebrow at him and blinked, unsure what to make of this quick shift. Before she could formulate a response, the other interrupted. "Introductions will come later, Melnik. After Ishida has a chance to brief her."

Ryder nodded her thanks, not quite ready to be social so early in the day and not having brush her teeth yet. She grabbed her toiletries and headed to the showers.

* * *

Ryder took herself down to the mess. Well, to call it a mess hall was a little too generous. It was merely a room with a single food dispenser. The Janus base didn't house enough soldiers to warrant an actual mess hall.

 _So no real food._

Ryder was utterly disappointed when faced with the single food dispenser after properly waking up. Last night, Tao just waved a hand towards the mess and pointed it out to her.

She stared at the selection. It was abysmal. Ryder tapped at her omni-tool hoping that more choices were available for her via the tool.

 _Nope, no such luck._

According to the information, the selections were cycled through every day. Though it ran through a grand total of three sets of selections. Ryder sighed.

Her eyes scanned through the choices, reconstituted chicken stew with rice, reconstituted scrambled eggs with bread and reconstituted garden salad with barley. Ryder frowned.

 _How does one reconstitute a salad?_

Her eyes drifted over to the opened box of ration bars. Ryder knew how they smelt faintly of salted fish and tasted like cardboard, if she was lucky. But they were familiar and reliably bad. The stuff that came out of the food dispenser were usually a toss up. She narrowed her eyes and eventually pushed her cup into the holder. A quick jab at the screen for scrambled eggs with bread. The machine hummed as it did its magic.

Yellow sludge oozed out of the nozzle. She wasn't holding out much hope for taste. The machine shuddered to a halt as the final bit of sludge fell into her cup with a plop.

 _At least they got the colour right._

She sat down at one of the many empty tables. Her plastic spoon hovering in the air as she contemplated throwing the entire thing out. Tentatively, Ryder brought it to her nose and sniffed.

 _Doesn't smell bad, but it doesn't smell quite right either._

She plunged the spoon deep into the yellow gooey mess and lifted a small portion out.

 _Don't try, don't know._

Ryder opened her mouth and closed it around the spoon before she could chicken out. With a quick pull, the spoon came out clean. Her tongue swirled the sludge around in her mouth, not quite sure if it wanted to cringe away in horror or luxuriate in having warm food. Her jaws worked slowly, chewing though there wasn't any real need to. Ryder hummed as her brain tried to decide if she was actually enjoying the experience.

The sludge was salty and peppery with a rich taste of eggs but over it all was a cardboard like texture. It was too firm to be properly cooked scrambled eggs. Ryder's mouth twisted as she forced herself to swallow it.

 _Maybe that's the bread part?_

"Ugh, what more can I expect?" she muttered as she deliberately spooned a second mouthful in.

Ryder looked up from her omni-tool, her spoon hovering somewhere between her mouth and her cup. She had been studying the dossiers of the soldiers on base, trying to put names to faces. Voices drifted into the mess as footsteps approached. She looked up to see Melnik and his friend coming in. Cocking her head, she tried to remember the name. There was only one soldier on the base with an Indian ancestry.

 _Yes, this is Sagh, Lance-Corporal._

Ryder nodded to herself, satisfied. "Guys," she greeted as they slipped into a table. "Enjoy your breakfast."

"Aww," Melnik said, pouting a little, "you're done? Come on, don't go yet."

He kicked out a chair into her way. Ryder's jaw twitched. "No, I got a briefing with the Sergeant."

Her foot pushed the chair back towards their table. With the empty cup in hand she headed towards the recycler, Ryder stiffened as she felt eyes on her. She rolled her shoulders and continued her way to the recycler. Turning around, she caught Melnik's unabashed stare.

 _Why am I not surprised?_

Ryder elected to ignore it. Glancing at her omni-tool, she was cutting it a little close. With a fast walk, she headed towards the Sergeant's quarters.

 _Hopefully I won't get lost._

* * *

"Ryder," Ishida called from his office when she entered.

"Sir," she said, snapping off a salute.

"At ease, soldier. And dispense with those. We're a small base and if we're snapping salutes all day long, nothing will get done."

Ryder nodded and stood at ease, feet shoulder-length apart, arms clasped at her back.

"So you're taking over the supervision of the night shift and I'll do the morning. You have Sagh, Kovács and Menik under your command," Ishida said.

Ryder's breath halted for a spilt second. _Now that's a good mix of personalities there._

Melnik had been pushing against her comfort zone since the moment they met. Kovács seemed slightly distracted but ultimately good-natured. As for Sagh, Ryder don't know him well enough to say one way or another.

"You report to me at shift change, I report to Lieutenant Walker over on Hephaestus. The science people won't bother you much," Ishida went on.

Ryder nodded. She guessed as much. Given the information she dug up from her research on the way over. New beginnings were always hard. It was times like this when she missed her old squad. But there was no way Ryder could have stayed on, too many corporals there and not enough here. It was just the way of life in the military. Friendships for her never lasted more than the duration of her stint with the unit, if they even formed in the first place.

"Yes, sir."

Ishida nodded, picking one datapad up. "Yes, here," he said, handing her the datapad. "Here are the personnel under your command. These are the patrol routes and your security access."

Ryder took the datapad and skimmed over the contents. "Any questions?"

"No, sir."

* * *

Shift start was still an hour away, but Ryder had much to prepare. First thing was a meal before the shift, yet another helping of reconstituted food. This time, the chicken stew. The experience was a repeat of her breakfast. Then, it was packing ration bars to last her through the shift along with a thermos of hot tea. She stared at her stash of loose leaf tea and wondered if she could actually order more. Ryder shuddered, thinking about the shipping costs.

Her eyes watered a little as she stifled a yawn _First impressions are important._ And so she threw an extra helping of tea into her tea bag before pouring hot water into her thermos, steeping time be damned. Melnik and Kovács were still playing a card game. Sagh was oiling his rifle. She wasn't really paying attention to them. Though it was 30 minutes away from shift change, Ryder started pulling on her armour.

She could feel eyes on her again. Ryder turned and found Melnik staring. Kovács was frowning at him. "Melnik!" he hissed, slapping his shoulder.

Sagh shook his head but kept his attention on his gun. Kovács frowned at Melnik's unabashed interest on their new corporal. He tossed his cards to the pile and muttered, "I give up."

Kovács started getting ready. Ryder kept her attention on Melnik, her gaze hardening. "Something wrong?" she asked, her tone mild.

Ryder waited as she pulled her gauntlets on, they connected to the rest of the suit with a satisfying click.

"Nothing, Corporal. Just enjoying the view."

Kovács' mouth dropped opened in an O shape while Sagh's looked up from his work. Ryder frowned. This was brazen. Melnik looked at her with something akin to hunger. She fought a chill crawling up her spine.

Her mouth opened and closed a few times. Words were chosen and discarded in favour for another. Melnik's comment hung between them. Her jaw tightened and turned away. Even as her legs took her away, she was silently berating herself.

 _You should have said something. You should have said anything. You're going lose the respect of the others._

She grimaced but kept walking. The moment had passed.

* * *

Ryder entered the control room for the first time. It was a moderately sized room. Multiple screens dominated the front. There were four desks with terminals lined up in two rows. Three in front and one at the back. As the NCO in charge for the shift, she got the terminal at the back.

This room was the heart and soul of the base' defences. From her terminal, Ryder would be able to turn on the AA guns, automated turrets and monitor all camera feeds on the base. It was a little like playing as an omni-present deity.

Tao handed her a datapad with a report of all the events of their shift. One glance at the report told her it was a peaceful shift. Tao clapped a hand on her shoulder and said, "Good luck, baby Corporal."

Ryder bit back a sigh at the nickname. She was settled in her seat when the others came in. All of them clad in standard Alliance issued armour as they clomped into the room, exchanging a few words with their colleagues before taking their seats.

Their duties were pretty much straightforward. Patrols ran every 30 minutes, rotated between the four of them. Anyone not on patrol get to watch the camera feed and monitor the sensors for anything out of the ordinary.

After the first 30 minutes, Ryder was more than a little bored. There was not much need for a human at the terminal if the computers were doing all the heavy lifting. She barely had to tap a button. Technically, the systems was self monitoring. Alarms would blare if it detected any abnormalities.

Sagh returned from the patrol and it was Melnik's turn. Ryder relaxed a little as soon as he left. His behaviour still gnawed at her. As she considered her options, Sagh let out a wide yawn. Ryder pressed her hand over her mouth, repressing her own. _It is just sympathetic yawning. That must be it._ She took a sip of her tea.

"Corporal, what's your story?" Sagh asked.

"What about?" Ryder replied, capping her thermos and got started on her first ration bar of the shift.

"How did you end up on Janus?" Sagh clarified. "We're all here dregs of the barrel."

Kovács frowned. "Speak for yourself Sagh," he said. "This is merely a rotation for me. I'll be reassigned soon."

Sagh laughed. "How many rotations are you on? Think that way if it helps."

"My second. I was posted here fresh from boot," Kovács retorted. "How many are you here for anyway?"

"This is my fifth rotation. And I'll probably be here till I get my retirement papers." Sagh said as he counted off the years on his fingers. "Anyway, I'm interested in the baby Corporal, not you."

Sagh waved his hand dismissively at his much younger colleague and turned his attention to her expectantly.

"Well, I'm just following in the family tradition," Ryder replied. There was enough truth in that statement that the words didn't taste bitter in her mouth.

Sagh turned around in his chair to face her while Kovács kept his eyes on the monitors. "Are you related to that Ryder?" he asked, his brow furrowed, trying to remember something.

"Which Ryder?" she asked with a straight face.

If it wasn't her family name, it was the other thing. There was no hiding either. It always came out sooner or later. Ryder didn't intend to lie, but she preferred to push off the discovery for as long as she could.

"There was one Alec Ryder, N7 operative. He helped evacuate civilians from the Presidium when Commander Shepard was fighting the bird Spectre."

Ryder frowned at the slur. "Saren," she said, her tone flat.

"Yeah, Saren, that fucking bird. I knew we couldn't trust any one of them. This was bound to happen sooner or later," Sagh said, his upper lip curling into a sneer.

Ryder eyed Sagh, he was just about the right age to have taken part in the First Contact War as a rookie. She looked away for a moment, unsure if this was where she wanted to take her stand. She exhaled, packing the information aside and replied, "Yeah, that's my father."

As much as she tried, the bitterness was clear in her voice. But Sagh misunderstood, he had assumed the harshness was directly at Saren. Somehow not addressing the slur made her feel complicit even if there weren't any turians around to hear it.

"Bird," Kovács laughed, he turned to catch her eye.

Ryder's gaze hardened and his words faltered. She shook her head and repeated, "Saren."

"Yes, Saren," Kovács said, his words tumbling over themselves. "I'm glad we got someone like Commander Shepard on our side."

There was no need to elaborate who they were talking about. There was only one Shepard to all Alliance soldiers, hell all humanity.

 _First fucking human Spectre._

Sagh and Kovács were obviously fans and Ryder was no exception. The Commander Shepard had been Ryder's role model. The Alliance recruitment poster of Shepard taken not long after the Blitz, graced the wall of her room for years. And it still hung on wall if nobody had touched her room.

Ryder's thoughts turned towards her childhood home. A home she outgrew, and it rapidly turned into a sort of cage. It wasn't just her home, it was just being on the Citadel. She rubbed the back of her neck, fingers brushing at the nape of her neck and sighed.

"Wait, you're his daughter?" Sagh asked. "Why are you here? Ryder's daughter shouldn't be sitting here with us on Janus!"

Kovács eyed her with renewed awe. Ryder shrugged. "I go where I am assigned. Janus is the place for now, I guess."

Sagh turned and faced her. His eyes lined with crowfeet narrowed in her direction. "No, no," he said. "Don't think you can foist that shit on me. What did you do to get assigned here?"

 _Being born wrong._

Ryder didn't voice the thought, but it burnt brightly in her mind. Her visit home seemed to have dredged up memories and emotions she thought long buried. She shook her head. "I have no idea. I got a promotion and the brass sent me off for more training back on Earth then I got reassigned."

Sagh raised an eyebrow, totally not convinced at all. "How old are you anyway? You must be a baby."

Kovács sniggered. Ryder bit back a sigh. _Is this the way it's going to go the entire night?_ But she was saved from answering when Melnik entered the control room. He tracked sand into the room. Sagh straightened and barked, "Melnik! How many times must I tell you? Decontaminate before you come in!"

"Ahh fuck," Melnik exclaimed as he backed out of the room, presumingly towards the decon unit.

Ryder took the chance to enter the small en-suite toilet just to escape the questions. When she was done, Kovács was gone. Melnik and Sagh were back to watching the screens and the line of questioning forgotten.

Time crawled. Ryder stifled a yawn that was crawling up her throat. Shifting her sleep schedule was one of the worst thing ever, Ryder resigned herself to feeling tired at all the wrong times, at least for a while.

* * *

Ryder sighed.

Melnik chuckled. "Bored already, Corporal?"

A chill ran down her spine at that. Ryder rolled her shoulders, somehow it had cramped up without having to do anything the entire shift. "How do you guys keep your vigilance up?" she asked.

Sagh snorted, "What vigilance? We're all just glorified machine tenders. Who would attack a dig site that isn't producing anything interesting?"

"Well, we're not exactly in the safest part of the galaxy. Sharring is literally on the edge of Alliance space," Ryder pointed out.

Melnik laughed. "I've not seen any action since boot camp," he confessed. "And I am itching for it."

 _Spoken like a rookie who doesn't know what he is asking for._

"I've been here the longest, five years. Five long boring years," Sagh said. "The best years of my career."

Ryder watched as Sagh and Melnik went back and forth. Her attention on the set of monitors that they should be paying more attention to. Eventually even conversation died out. She hummed quietly, beginning to see what the main problem with this assignment was going to be. _How long am I expected to be here?_

Ryder tapped against the datapad, that Ishida had given her. Her eyes searched the line she had left off and started reading it for the fifth time. Just before her eyes glazed over, forcing her to start over _again_ , the door hissed open. Tao hobbled in. He glanced about the room. "Damn, I missed Kovács."

"What is it?" Ryder asked, approaching Tao. She relished any opportunity that broke the tedium.

"Oh, it's nothing," Tao said, "I wanted to find out more about the damage on the Mako's windscreen. It's strange that it didn't just completely shatter."

Ryder's heart sank. She knew there was no hiding it. _This must be some kind of record. Both on the same day._

Ishida knew what she was. It was clear on her military record if anyone wanted to check. Her armour was a dead giveaway if anyone knew what to look for. Ryder's hand twitched towards the back of her neck, hidden behind her low ponytail.

 _I'll not be ashamed of who I am. I refuse to be._

"Oh, what about it?" Sagh asked as Melnik craned his neck.

"Given what data I got off our sensors, the windscreen shouldn't be able to hold up as well as it did. I got to know what Kovács did. That way we can be ready when the next storm hits," Tao replied.

"Kovács didn't do anything," Ryder said.

All eyes turned to her. Tao's eyes brightened and his bushy eyebrows shot up. "What did you do? I didn't see any materials you used to shore up the crack. Whatever it was, it's damn effective. I'm going to write a report and send it up the chain. I'm sure there are other bases on less than welcoming planets that need this solution."

"I don't think you can replicate it, at least not without someone like me on board," she replied, dread coiling around her gut like a snake.

This must be what coming out felt out. And it's a process that got repeated time after time after time. Ryder was seriously tired of it. She took a deep breath, "I kept a tight barrier over the crack with my biotics."

Tao's eyes got impossibly wider, but Ryder couldn't read any malice in them. Melnik whistled, the odd hunger in his eyes seemed to intensify. Her eyes narrowed, aversion turning her stomach. She would have to deal with Melnik sooner or later. Her eyes shifted to Sagh. There was an anger there, so pure and concentrated. His chair rolled and hit the wall as he stood up abruptly. Ryder tensed, instinctively gathering her biotics but taking care to keep a tight grip on it.

"Fucking biotics. I knew it! That's why you're here. Daddy couldn't wait to rid himself of the tainted blood," he muttered.

Sagh wasn't loud, but the words carried in the silence. Ryder clenched her fists. Her stint in the Alliance biotics programme was the best time of her life. It was tough, but it was also a place of acceptance. She found a place there she hadn't found at home or at school.

But after? It was a mixed bag. _You'd think biotics is one thing prized in among the military types?_

She had been here so many times before, but never with such vehemency. Tao stepped forward and put himself between Sagh and herself. "Get out of here, Sagh," he said.

Sagh's deep brown eyes jerked towards Tao's black ones. His lips curled before clamping down again. His dark skin flushed a deep red. "Melnik, take Sagh out now," Tao barked.

Melnik glanced between Tao and herself. Ryder took a steady breath and nodded. Melnik didn't need further prompting. He tugged at Sagh a couple of times before Sagh allowed himself to be dragged away.

Tao crossed the space between them and looked at her. "Are you all right?"

"Yeah," she said, her voice coming out all shaky, "I'm fine."

Ryder clamped her mouth shut lest it gave away more of her secrets. "You went completely white," he pressed.

"I'm fine," she repeated, this time her voice steadier.

With a giant huff of breath, she turned back towards her seat and sank into it. Tao hesitated, his eyes following her every move. _Fuck, he must think I'm a complete inept useless asshole._

"Err… I didn't intend for this to happen," Tao started, "I'm sorry."

With that, Ryder watched Tao beat a hasty retreat. She glanced at the time on the console and sighed long and loud into the empty room. She was barely half way through the shift. The machines just hummed along completely ignoring her.

The door slid open. A shock of blonde hair led the way, sand trailing as Kovács walked in, helmet in hand. He glanced at the empty seats and looked at her.

"What did I miss?"


	5. A Step Too Far

Chapter 5 - A Step Too Far

 **ATTEMPTED SEXUAL ASSAULT, CHOKING, ASSAULT**

Ryder raised the Avenger to her shoulder. Taking a slow breath, she squeezed the trigger. The rifle kicked and bullets flew. The heat sink flared red and stayed that way. Ryder glanced her omni-tool, it was keeping score. That was a small cluster of holes over a batarian silhouette, tightly grouped over its head.

She nodded, satisfied. Ryder popped the heat sink and tossed it into the tray with the other spent ones. The door slid open behind her. It was Tao. She retreated to her booth. He walked in, no longer hobbling, his omni-cast removed.

"Morning," Tao greeted, waving his hand.

Ryder concentrated on reloading her rifle. "Morning," she replied without turning. "What are you doing up so early?"

Tao popped a heat sink into his pistol. The familiar bang of a pistol firing filled the small shooting range. Ryder shrugged and did the same.

 _It's fine if nobody wanted to be friends, but they better not extend this behaviour into the shift._

It's been a week since the revelation. _Confession? Coming out? Whatever that was._ And the assignment on Janus was truly living up to its name. Janus was the Roman god of of beginnings and endings. It certainly felt like both a start and an end, all on her first day of work. Ryder snorted.

Bang, bang, bang. Her aim was steady.

 _What kind of leader am I? Hiding out in the range and dodging Sagh and Melnik. Allowing them to use the facilities first, just to avoid some awkwardness. I'm some kind of fucking coward. Maybe Pa was right, I'm just a freak._

Bang, bang, bang. Ryder frowned. That last one had drifted a little. She corrected her stance and fired again. The rifle clicked empty as it beeped angrily, the heat sink spent.

"Garcia wants me to get some practise in," Tao's voice drifted over.

His voice was muffled over the ear muffs she was wearing. Ryder pulled it off. "What?" she asked.

Clink. A heat sink hitting another. "Garcia said I'm fat and lazy so he isn't going to sign off on letting me return to active duty," Tao sighed.

Ryder frowned and popped her head into his booth. The Chinese man turned towards her, arms on his hip, jutting his belly out at her. His chin tilted to one side as he accepted her appraising gaze. "You're fine," she declared finally. Besides, if anything it's your physical stamina I'd be worried about, not your aim."

"Well…," he grinned sheepishly. "That's the reason why I'm hiding out here. At least I can say I'm training."

She laughed. "So hiding from rehab by training, that's a good one, Tao."

He sniggered. And their laughter peeled like bells, one deeper, one higher. As it tapered off, Ryder looked at Tao and smiled. "That felt good," she said. "Thanks."

"Anytime, baby Corporal."

"Ryder," she interjected. "Just call me Ryder. No baby Corporal business, please."

"Right, Ryder," Tao replied with a firm nod.

She turned back to her booth, picking up the tray of spent heat sinks. Ryder was surprised to see Tao leaning against the booth when she turned around. "You know most of them are just wary because they've not worked with biotics before?" he said.

"And you have?" she retorted, the response came out faster than she could stop herself.

"I have, we had three in my old squad," Tao said, his gaze turning inwards.

Ryder's jaw tightened. "Had," she repeated, latching on the intentional use of past tense in his phrasing. "What happened?"

"They were all killed in action."

She swallowed, heat rising to her face. "I'm sorry, I… I didn't mean to…"

Tao shook his head and waved her stammered apologies away. "It's a long time ago. They were good people. Just like you, people," he said, lifting his head to look at her in the eyes.

Ryder blinked.

* * *

Ryder looked impossibly young. Her eyes wide. The high walls of her guard pulled back a little. It was the first time Tao saw something of her real emotions since his blunder.

 _How old is she anyway? 18? 20? I should speak to Ishida._

If all it took was a little heart to heart, Tao didn't mind. _It's not like there is anything to do on base. It's better if everyone just got along._

He ran his hand through his unruly hair as he grinned again, not knowing anything better to do. It was his fault, opening a whole can of worms for everyone.

Sagh had gone to Ishida insisting on being transferred to the morning shift, anything just to be away from Ryder. Tao didn't know what his problem was. And that wasn't the main issue, Melnik was taking his cues from Sagh.

"Shit, she's a looker, but she turns out to be a freak," Melnik said, sitting on Ryder's empty bunk.

Tao frowned. This wasn't ok, but he loathed to insert himself into situations that didn't directly concerned him. _Remember Ryan, two months and you're done. Ryder isn't here. Ignore this. This isn't your problem._

Kovács frowned. "That's all you're thinking about, huh? Just a pussy to fuck? She's the corporal for fuck's sake," he pointed out. "Get your stinking ass off her bed."

Melnik jerked his chin in Kovács' direction. "Or what? You'll make me?"

Melnik straightened to his full height. Even at 18, one of the youngest, he was tall and had the bulk to match. Tao was under no illusions that Melnik was sent here straight out of boot camp precisely because he kept his brains in his dick. Kovács was fair skinned, he got whiter at the implied threat, scooting away from Melnik.

 _Sorry, Ryan._

"That's enough," Tao barked.

It was at that point Ryder came in. She eyed everyone suspiciously. Melnik stood in his boxers grinning at Kovács. Tao was on his feet, annoyance clear on his face. Kovács was in a state of undress. Amir and Garcia were already off on their shift. The stalemate was broken only when Sagh slammed the door of his locker shut. He stalked towards the showers.

Ryder took two steps to the side, giving Sagh enough room to pass. That left Melnik the sole troublemaker. Tao's eyes darted between Ryder and Melnik. He doubted she would appreciate his interference. Tao slowly sat down on his bunk, his eyes still trained on Melnik.

Her eyes took in the mussed up sheets of her bed. Melnik's grin widened. "Was that you?" she asked, her finger jabbing in the direction of her bed.

"No, it's not," he lied with a self-satisfied smirk on his face.

Ryder walked over to Melnik. To Tao's eyes, the difference in height was comical. Ryder wasn't tall even for a woman. Standing only at a mere 1.6m compared to Melnik's 1.9m, it was David versus the Goliath.

"Really?" Ryder said, disbelief dripping from her words. She looked at her bed. "No matter. See that you keep your ass to your own bunk."

Melnik snorted, opening his mouth to press the issue. Ryder's eyes flashed at him. Despite the severe angle it took for her to glare at him, Melnik faltered. A flash of blue ran up Ryder's arm. It was there and gone in a flash. Tao would questioned if he imagined it if Melnik's mouth didn't clamp shut.

"Melnik, you don't want to pissed me off," she said, her voice cool and even. "I can let a lot of things go but basic courtesy and decency, no."

Ryder closed the distance between them while Melnik backed away from her. It was amusing if the situation didn't look set to explode. She folded her arms across her chest and asked, "Melnik, do you want to get on my bad side?"

"No, man, it was just a joke," he tried to brush it off, but there was no mistaking his haste in beating a swift retreat.

As Melnik passed Tao, he could hear an unmistakeable bite of malice in Melnik's voice. "Fucking bitch."

Before Tao could call him out on it, Melnik's long legs took him out of the barracks. He turned back to find Ryder picking her mattress up and flipping it over. "Fuck," she cursed under her breath, turning to him. "I'm sorry you saw that. It was fucking unprofessional."

Tao just shook his head.

Since then, Ryder avoided the barracks till the others were done with the showers and meals. It was most unfortunate that her bed was right between Sagh's and Melnik's. Tao couldn't help but worry for Ryder. He didn't kid himself to think that the baby Corporal needed any looking after, but he couldn't help his protective instincts.

* * *

"Join us," Tao called out, waving her over.

It was a rare day that they all were able to share a meal together. The morning shift was having their dinner while the night shift was having their breakfast. The defence system's software was being upgraded by some Alliance tech people that came directly from Arcturus station. That afforded them the time to interact.

Ryder took her cup of sludge over the table. On one table Tao sat with Amir and Garcia while Sagh, Melnik and Kovács were at the other table. Everyone were eating their portion of sludge with varying degrees of enjoyment. She slid into a chair and nodded a greeting to the others. As she started eating, Kovács shifted his chair closer to hers. "Hey, Corporal," he said.

"Ryder, Kovács. Just call me Ryder, we're off duty," she interrupted. "I'd like to hear my name before I forget what it sounds like."

"All right, all right, boss," Kovács said, "So I've been thinking…"

"Really? Kovács you got a brain in there," Garcia interjected.

The others laughed while Ryder choked on her food. The harder she coughed, the more tears sprang from her eyes. "Come on!" Kovács protested, "It's not even that funny."

He glared at Garcia while she poured water down her throat. It felt good to laugh even though she felt sorry for Kovács. She grinned at the others, suddenly finding herself meeting Sagh's eyes. The anger there wasn't as hot as it was a month ago. _Maybe I've proven myself to him._ Sagh looked away, his face darkening. _Maybe not._

"Anyway, like I was trying to say," Kovács persisted. "Why are you always munching away in the control room? It's like you're constantly eating."

Ryder swallowed another spoonful of sludge. "Well…" She glanced over at Sagh before turning her eyes back to Kovács. "I'm a biotic. My metabolism is higher than yours."

Kovács' eyes widened. "That much more?"

Ryder shrugged. "3000 calories a day, more if I am on combat duty."

Sagh's chair scrapped against the floor as he stood. "I'm done. See you all later," he said.

Ryder watched Sagh go. Melnik and Amir joined him quickly enough. "Sagh's all right, you know?" Tao said.

"Yeah, I know. He follows orders. Not that I had to give any, really. You guys are already clockwork here. I'm practically redundant," Ryder pointed out.

"Not redundant," Garcia said, pushing his empty cup away and leaned back against the back rest. "You deal with all the dirt diggers. I don't have to do that anymore."

"You never needed to do that anyway, Garcia," Tao pointed at him with his spoon.

"It's enough that I have you deal with you, Tao," Garcia drawled, "you're too fucking accident prone for your own good."

Kovács laughed. He glanced at his omni-tool and stood up abruptly. "Damn, I need to call Sylvia," he blurted. "It's so hard to get our timing synced up and not have a storm to come spoil it all."

With that, the blonde hair, blue-eyed boy hurried out. Ryder stared at Kovács. "His girlfriend?" she asked as she unwrapped a ration bar, having finished the sludge.

Garcia nodded. "He's always writing messages to her."

"I've not noticed, actually," Ryder admitted.

The olive skinned man shook his head. "You have a long way to go, Ryder."

She wasn't sure what he was referring to, but whatever it was she was inclined to agree with him. Tao tossed his cup and spoon into the recycler. "I need to make a call too," he said as he excused himself.

"Wife? Husband?" Ryder asked.

"Husband."

She hummed. "What about you?"

"Divorced. I don't think my wife would want me to call her," Garcia laughed, his voice a little bitter. "But…"

"Kids?" Ryder asked.

Garcia didn't answer, his quick wit and sharp tongue silent.

"Your kids will always want and crave for your attention. Don't let their actions deceive you."

Garcia cocked his head at her. His eyes narrowed. Ryder swallowed. _Why the fuck did I say that? Why couldn't I just leave it be?_

Instead, he nodded, hearing more than she actually meant. "Maybe you're right," he said pensively. "I should..."

He didn't finish his sentence and left the mess hall. Ryder chewed the last bit of ration bar, looking at the empty mess hall. Her chest ached in a way she couldn't quite describe. She took a deep breath and pushed the feeling back into whatever dark corner it crawled out from. She scooped up her empty cup and stared irritably at the cup and spoon Garcia had neglected to dispose of. Rolling her eyes, she picked them up as well.

* * *

Things settled into a strange new equilibrium. Sagh maintained his standoffish manner, but it never went further than being unwilling to socialise with Ryder. She was perfectly fine to leave things as they were. After all, it didn't affect their work.

Her problem was with Melnik and his creepy ass looks and gestures.

Ryder was showering, sure that the others were done with their turn. As she exited from the stall in a worn Alliance t-shirt and shorts, she stiffened. Melnik was leaning against the wall right outside her stall. A cold flush of fear washed over her.

"What are you doing?" she asked, pissed that her voice shook a little.

His grin grew wider. Heat crawled up her neck and Ryder could feel herself blushing. She took a deep breath and glared at him. He wasn't fazed. "Do you mind?" she asked.

"Oh, sorry," he said as he slid just half a step away, forcing her to shoulder him out of the way.

Melnik leaned into the contact. "Oops," he sniggered.

"Back off. You're crossing a line you don't want to," she growled.

"What? What did I do? I just lost my balance, Corporal," Melnik sneered.

Before she could call him out, Amir walked in. Ryder was relieved that there was someone else present. But that lasted for all of a second before it died. Amir grinned. Ryder's heart sank. It was the same fucking baring of teeth Melnik was giving her.

 _No, one isn't enough. Let's have two of them._

Ryder didn't relish being cornered. She wasn't going to allow Amir to entrench himself across the exit, quickly pushing past him and left. _Assholes are everywhere I go._

* * *

Ryder didn't want to think about it. She wasn't sure how to deal with it. She was the corporal, to go running to Ishida felt like defeat and at the same time, Melnik hadn't actually done anything.

 _Am I just overreacting?_

She ran a hand through her hair, loosening her hair tie at the same time. Glancing at her left, Melnik was lying in bed and facing her. His eyes were closed, breathing steady. Ryder's jaw clenched, but she forced herself to relax. This whole thing was only giving her a headache. She crawled into bed, determined to put it out of her mind.

Tapping at her omni-tool, Ryder brought up the half written message.

"Hey Scott, how's the new placement? I hope you've settled in well with your squad."

Ryder ground her teeth together at the thought of her own failure.

"I don't think your job can get any more boring than mine. I'm just a glorified button pusher. Why on earth did they not put me on one of the cruisers patrolling the border? Things are the same old here. Biotic-haters are everywhere and I got a bunch of them under my command."

She stared at the last few sentences she typed. Her finger rapped against her arm in time to the blinking cursor. Ryder sighed and she went on typing.

"But it's nothing I can't handle. You know me, tough as fucking nails. I hope things are well with you. Message me when you get some time."

Reading it through once more, Ryder hit the send button and off the message went. Queued up in the uplink along with all the reports Ishida had written and the data the archaeologists had collected. Everything was ready. As soon as the storm past and the link to the comm buoys was re-established, it would start its merry journey to the other side of Alliance Space.

Ryder yawned as she stood. It's late, well early actually, since she's on the night shift. She needed to pee before turning in. She smacked her lips sleepily as she made her way into the empty showers. The toilet stalls were just to the side. Her boots echoed oddly in the space.

A quick tug, Ryder undid the knot on the too long draw string that came with her Alliance issued sweat pants. In a single smooth action she sat down as she pushed her pants down. As skin came in contact with the cold toilet seat, she grunted. There was no getting used to it. But as her bladder eased, she sighed. Once she was done, it was the same process in the opposite order.

 _Maybe I've overdone it with the biotics training._ Her stomach rumbled quietly. She rolled her sore shoulders and stretched, but her muscles whined in protest.

 _There is no satisfying this monster. No. No more snacking. I should just sleep. It will sort itself out._

She waved her hand over the disposal unit activating it as her other hand fumbled at the lock on the stall door. As she turned around, all she saw was a hand headed her way. It pushed her backwards, hard. She slammed against the side of the stall. Pain exploded, sending white across her vision. The back of her leg connected with the toilet bowl, buckling her knee.

A yell was on her lips as she fought to regain her feet but another hand clamped down over her mouth. Hands pressed her against the flimsy structure of the stall, her hands swung out scratching at air. Ryder growled, twisting her head, blinking hard.

Her eyes, rage filled, found a flash of a grin, a head of brown hair, towering over her. _Melnik._ "Not so tough any more huh, baby Corporal?" he sneered.

"This is a stupid idea," another voice drifted from outside. There could only be one other person on base who would back Melnik's dumb plan, Amir.

Some warm ran down her forehead and into her eye, Ryder blinked it out of the way and let herself go limp. "That's all the fight you got? I'm surprised. Maybe you just like a little rough play?" Melnik said, bending down towards her.

As much as Ryder wanted to respond, she couldn't with Melnik's hand over her mouth. _How does he think this is going to play out? What does he intend to do?_

Her eyes drifted to Amir. His eyes wide, pupils blown. She jerked her head up to hold Melnik's gaze, his were the same. _Fuck, they're high out of their mind._

Melnik hauled her bodily to her feet, his knee nudged her legs apart but realised he didn't have a third hand to rip off her pants. Ryder's eyes darted between Amir and Melnik. Her guts clenched as adrenaline flooded her system. She breathed harder and faster as her heart slammed against her ribs. It was a familiar sensation, the fear that forced her mind into overdrive, her limbs into action. This was combat.

Ryder gathered the power at her core. Her amp warmed. Her heart screamed, "Go, go, go!" But her training and experience taught her to bid her time.

Melnik had to let go of something if he was going to do what his eyes had been promising all this time. He glanced back at Amir. "Keep an eye out, you'll get your chance later."

The glint in his eyes chilled Ryder to the core as he raked his eyes over her body like a piece of meat. Without warning, he slammed her head against the stall again. Ryder groaned as pain flared like a bright spark behind her eyes, stunning her. The flimsy wall shook at the impact.

In that instant, Melnik let go of her mouth and arms, he shifted to press his forearm against her throat while his free hand worked to get her pants down. Ryder squirmed and shifted but there was only so much room in the tiny stall. The room was spinning too much, leeching strength from her limbs. Heat rose to her face as the breath was literally choked out of her. Her lungs heaved as she tried to drag air in. Ryder's vision was tunnelling. She just needed an opening, any opening.

"What the fuck are you doing?" a voice rang out.


	6. Normalcy

Chapter 6 - Normalcy

Melnik twisted to see who it was. The pressure across her throat eased. Sweet air flooded her lungs.

 _This is it._

It's exactly what she was waiting for. Time slowed. Ryder didn't need long, mere seconds were enough. A familiar tug towards her core. Then, she Pushed. Melnik slammed into Amir and straight into the opposite wall.

There was an audible crack as the tiles shattered. Ryder gasped for air, her hand rubbing her neck, as she stalked towards the pair. Anger, shame and everything in between flashed across her face. Fingers clenched in a death grip, muscles tensed as Ryder lifted Melnik's head by his hair to face her. He groaned. Eyes that were moments ago stripping her had turned unfocused. Her left hand drew back in a fist. Blue flames snapped across her arm, it blazed a cold spine-chilling azure. She growled, low and dangerous.

Red. It was all she saw.

"Stop!" the voice called again.

Her head jerked as she twisted to look. Her eyes narrowed. She kept her arm coiled back, ready for a fight.

"Sagh," Ryder snarled. "Did you put them up to it?"

"No, I did not," he said as he approached slowly with his arms held up in a show of faith.

His eyes darted to take in the situation. Blood, bright and red under the harsh white lights ran down the wall from the point of impact. Amir and Melnik sat on the floor, eyes blinking and holding their heads between their hands. Sagh's eyes met hers and his foot steps faltered, nostrils flaring.

 _Can I trust him? Sagh clearly didn't like me but this... is he capable of this?_

"Stand down, Corporal," Sagh said. "It's over."

Ryder blinked and shook her head. The scent of blood filled her nose, hers, Melnik's and Amir's. Her pounding head made it impossible to think clearly, but she exhaled. With the rush of breath, she loosened her fingers. Melnik sagged to the ground with a whimper.

She grimaced, half at the pain, half at the sight of all the blood. With some effort, she withdrew her biotics. However, she couldn't relax, not totally. Her shoulders remained stiff, her hands shook from leftover adrenaline. It left her jittery. She clenched her fists to force them into stillness.

"You're bleeding," Sagh pointed out.

Ryder pressed her hand against her forehead and grimaced. "Nothing some medi-gel can't fix," she said but her voice broke at the last word.

She cleared her throat forcefully and went on, "Hold them here, I am going to get Ishida."

* * *

Ryder stood in her blood-stained shirt. Her right eye swelling to a slit, the gash on her forehead had stopped bleeding but only because she was pressing a towel against it. She must have been such a sight.

"Enter," Ishida said, his back was still facing her.

"Daddy," a young boy's voice came from the terminal Ishida was looking at. "Must you go? Please don't go. You promised I could speak to you."

"Daddy will just be awhile. I'll call you back later, all right?"

Sniffling sounds came from the screen and Ryder felt guilty, but this couldn't wait. "Sergeant, I can wait outside," she offered.

 _No need to traumatise a kid._

Ryder was about to duck back out when Ishida swivelled around in his chair. "Wait-"

She could see the words dying right there in his mouth. His eyes took in the sight before him. The gentle father snapped back to the Alliance trained soldier. Ishida turned back to the terminal careful to block her from the camera's view. "Be a good boy and listen to your mother," he said. "I'll call you tomorrow."

Despite the sobs of the boy, Ishida terminated the call. Ryder's jaw tightened. In a different time, a different place, the crying child was her. And her father was shouting at her. She blinked back the memories, focusing her attention on Ishida.

"What happened, Corporal?"

"Melnik and Amir assaulted me. Ambushed me in the showers," Ryder stated, keeping her voice calm and professional, but she came across as curt.

Ishida's eyes flicked between the gash, and the bruises forming at her wrists and neck. "Where are they?"

Ryder kept the report concise, giving the facts without emotions. She didn't dare delve into it right now. Her mind hadn't really caught up with what happened. Ishida wasted no time. A quick trip to the barracks first to secure some help. "Tao, Kovács, with me. Bring your pistols," he barked. "Garcia, see to Ryder."

Garcia grabbed his med-kit, but Ryder ignored him and followed the others out. She had to see this through.

At the showers, Garcia took the soiled towel from her and pressed a clean one into her hand. "Keep pressure on it," he said, gesturing at her forehead.

She took it distractedly. Her eyes trained on what's going on. Sagh was standing over the pair, his hands on his hip. Kovács' eyes were wide, but his grip on his pistol steady as he aimed it at his friends. Amir had his head in his hands while Melnik looked somewhere between pissed and confused. Both of them sat with backs against the wall, shattered tiles lying about them. Ishida was already there, speaking to Tao. Tao nodded and quickly made his way out, pausing only to squeeze her shoulder once.

Ryder paced. Her hands clenched and unclenched as her teeth bit down on her lip. She tasted iron. For a split second, she wished Sagh didn't stop her and she had smashed Melnik's head open. Her breath hitched at that thought.

 _No, I am not a killer. I am a soldier I don't kill without cause. I am not a freak._

"Hey, hey," Garcia said, "why don't you sit down?"

He dragged a chair from somewhere, his hand clamped on her wrist as he attempted to pull her to sit. Ryder flinched, her eyes hardened as she raised her fist. "Shit, shit," he said, holding his hands up in apology. "I'm sorry. Just sit, will you?"

Ryder glanced at the offered seat warily and turned her attention back to Ishida and the others. "Come on, you can watch them from the chair anyway," Garcia said, his gruff voice unusually gentle.

The moment she sat down, she felt drained, as if she had been running a marathon all day. Garcia was quick and perfunctory. He pulled the towel from her hand and used antiseptic wipes to clean the wound. She hissed.

"It would be less painful if you had let me looked at it before," he grumbled, but his motions were almost tender after that.

Ryder felt the cool numbing sensation of medi-gel over her forehead. She closed her eyes and lowered her head. Tears threatened to spill as she gritted her teeth, praying they wouldn't betray her.

 _The day is bad enough, I don't need tears to show them I can't do the job._

She could hear Garcia humming a little. "Hey, I'm going to touch you."

"Yeah, ok," Ryder croaked, lifting her head for him.

"It's going to need stitches, but I think the medi-glue should work as well. We'll see how it looks tomorrow," he said as his fingers spread another layer over her forehead. "There, I don't think it will even scar."

Ryder snorted. It was the least of her worries. If Garcia thought that was her concern, she had much further to go with this bunch.

"Take them to the holding cells," Ishida barked. "I can't fucking believe this."

Kovács secured their wrists in a pair of omni-cuffs each. Sagh and Kovács marched them past Ryder on their way out. She rose to her full height. Even then, she was short and small compared to Amir and Melnik. Ryder steeled herself. Garcia pressed a hand on her shoulder.

Melnik and Amir didn't meet her eyes. Their heads hung low as they shambled their way out.

Ishida turned to her. "You're no good to me in this state. Get some rest. I'll need a statement from you when you're not looking like a zombie."

Ryder nodded. Garcia tugged at her arm. "Come on, it's time for bed, baby Corporal."

"Ryder," she said. "Just call me Ryder, will you?"

"Right I will as soon as you're not dead on your feet, baby Corporal."

Ryder couldn't summon the energy to get mad. She trudged back to her bed. The barracks felt very empty that night.

* * *

"So you found this among Melnik's stuff?" Ishida asked.

Tao nodded, tossing the small bag of pills on Ishida's desk. "Yes. And the brainless shits are going through withdrawal now. This is old earth drugs. Not quite as bad as Red Sand but it's not much better."

Ishida sighed. "They will definitely be charged, maybe dishonourably discharged. I don't know what Walker will make of this."

"It's a shame for Amir. He is mostly a good soldier, just stupid with whom he hangs out with," Tao said. "But he has to take responsibility for his actions. He's an adult."

Ishida nodded, tossing the datapad he was holding onto the table.

"Melnik is a troublemaker since Ryder arrived. Sagh might have problems with Ryder being a biotic, but Melnik is just using it as an excuse to harass her," Tao went on.

"She should have shut him down earlier," Ishida said.

Tao shook his head. "Yes, she should have but her age worked against her. Nobody took her rank seriously. Not you, not me, not the others. We don't know how she earned the rank this young," he pointed out, sinking into the chair.

"Yeah, you're right," Ishida said, running his hand through his hair. "She deserves her rank, I've seen her service record. She just lacks the experience handling a bunch of misfits. Ryder should be in a combat unit. I've no idea why they sent her here. Janus is not the place for her."

"Maybe so but she's here and under your command."

"Walker's command," Ishida retorted.

"Walker's not here. You're here."

"Touché," Ishida said, conceding the point. "This just stinks of someone pulling strings."

Tao shrugged. It's a moot point. Shit had already happened. Ishida taped a key on his terminal. "There, the report's sent. Now, we wait."

* * *

This was worse than being under scrutiny for being the baby Corporal, worse than being the biotic. Ryder sighed. This was her being a victim. She sat in the mess with a frown on her face, stirring her sludge listlessly. The swelling has gone down and her eye was no longer a silt. She sighed and poured the rest of her meal down her throat. It was time to get to work.

Both shifts were down a man and though it wasn't her fault. _Or was it?_ It felt like it was. Conversations died when she entered a room, eyes were on her as if waiting for the inevitable breakdown. Ryder straightened. _I am stronger than this._

Tossing her emptied cup into the recycler, she headed towards the control room. On the way over, she met up with Kovács and Sagh. "Hey Corporal," Kovács greeted, his voice tentative.

Ryder nodded, not trusting herself to be civil. She was more than a little tired of being treated like she was fragile. He was just trying to be nice. But then again that was the problem, wasn't it? Everyone was nice, too nice. Why couldn't they be nice before?

She quickened her pace and stepped through the doors before the guys. Ishida had left, but Tao and Garcia were still there. Ishida usually left these boring bits of administrative work to Tao anyway. "Shift change," Ryder said, heading towards Tao.

He stood and handed her the datapad. Usually it was just a bunch of notes about who patrolled when. Ryder glanced at it. "Anything interesting?" she asked.

"The dirt diggers were excited over something they found," Garcia supplied helpfully.

Ryder raised one eyebrow at him. "Some new artifact?" she asked, "that's exciting."

"Woah… so exciting," Garcia said, his voice deadpanned. "Wake me up when we can actually have better food coming out of that stupid dispenser."

Tao snorted. "You're just a cranky old man."

"Your cranky old man, Tao. Don't forget who is doing all the patching up when you inevitably break something else," Garcia said, levelling a finger at him.

Kovács laughed at Tao's sour face. Even Sagh had a little smirk on his face. _Maybe it's not that bad after all._

"Hey, is it chicken stew day today?" Tao asked, changing the subject.

"Yeah, I had it just now," Sagh replied.

"Oh good, that's my favourite," Tao said, smacking his lips in anticipation.

"Ahhh…" Ryder said, hiding a smile behind her hand. "I think I had the last one."

"What?" Tao exclaimed, horror stricken. "Baby Corporal ate the last one?"

She grinned, warming up to feeling anything else but shitty. "Yeah, too bad, Tao," she said, "And I didn't like it anyway."

"No! Don't say that. What a waste of perfectly good chicken stew."

And the rest piled on, ribbing Tao on his love of the sludge that the food dispenser provided. In the end, Garcia declared, "My shift is done. You people have fun. At least now the dirt diggers are occupied with something interesting for once. How lucky of them."

With that, Tao and Garcia left. Ryder settled into her seat and read through the reports.

* * *

Her boots echoed in the temporary pre-fab erected over the current dig site. An omni-field was glowing orange over the site. It helped to prevent contamination and accidental activation of any Prothean devices. Most of the artifacts found were inert and pretty harmless, but it was better to be safe than sorry.

Her patrol route took her past the only room in the entire site that still had lights now. Ryder knocked and entered. "Everything is good here?" she asked.

There were five archaeologists in various disheveled states. One of them, he had mussed up hair and food stains down his coat, nodded at her. The others didn't even deign to look in her direction. _Maybe they're just too focused on their work?_

Ryder didn't wait for permission and did her circuit of the room as per regulations. Her attention was snagged by a metallic orb that was a black so deep it was as if it was a mini black hole. A couple of archaeologists were watching as machines and lights swept over the orb over and over again.

 _Is that it?_

In all her time on Janus, this was the first time the site felt anything more than a random outpost for the Alliance. The excitement and tension was clear in the air. One of the archaeologists cleared their throat at her pointedly.

"Ahhh, sorry," she said, "I'll let you all get back to your work."

And Ryder quickly made her way out. She went on with her patrol, eventually reaching one of the corridors with windows facing the outside. Large clear windows lined the passageway. The corridor took her around the perimeter. Everything else was quiet and dead, just like the old relics they were digging up from the ground. The sky was clear that night, just a small smattering of cloud cover. It was the perfect night to call home if she wanted to.

 _Where's home anyway?_

Ryder sighed, shaking her head. It was times like this she felt older than she really was. She was just 20. She had been in the Alliance since she was 16. It's not a long time but it felt like her entire life. Her thoughts inevitably strayed towards the message she received from Scott just earlier that day.

"Hey baby sister!"

Ryder rolled her eyes even though Scott wasn't around to see her reaction.

"Everything is fine over here. It's the same old, same old. A little training, some guard duty, tons of paperwork. It's all so boring. I wish I was posted to an outpost like you. You know, I wonder if Pa pulled some strings to make sure I'll never see combat."

Ryder pursed her lips. She wouldn't put it past her father doing something like that for Scott. But it wouldn't make sense. Why would he train them like N-school recruits and not let them see combat?

"Hey, I made Corporal too. Provisional for now till I go through the training once my current cycle is up."

She smiled. It's about time. Scott deserved it.

"Now we're that we're the same rank. I'll need to hit you up on some pointers. I don't know what to do with these privates they put under my command."

Ryder's smile faded. _Scott doesn't know._ She hadn't really had time to put her thoughts in order. _Should I let him know? What happened had happened, did it matter if he knows or not?_

Ryder's jaw clenched and reminded herself to be vigilant in her patrol and not get distracted. Still, the thoughts dogged her. _It's probably better if he doesn't know. It would just cause him no end of grief. He is busy enough with his new assignment than to worry about me._

"Anyway, Pa popped by recently on some mysterious N7 mission or other. He said hi."

Ryder snorted. She much rather think less than charitable thoughts of her father than to dwell about everything that had happened. Her father was a sore subject, but it was familiar, it was safe. These were well-worn grooves and paths in her mindscape. She knew where they led and how they wind.

"Ma is doing better with the new drug trials. The doctors are optimistic. I've been speaking them, I should have more information soon. I'll keep you updated."

Ryder sighed. AEND, incurable only manageable. But the recent months had been bad. Her memory came and went, headaches were near constant. Thankfully she had consented to having a care worker check in on her daily. She remembered her mother's fainting spells. Ryder worried. But her mother was stubborn, insisting she was managing.

Guilt rose in Ryder's chest, four years away from home, and she only managed a single visit back home. It was that visit that made her realised the full extent of her mother's illness. It felt like the start of a slow decline that she had been blind to.

"Was it always this bad?" Ryder asked in one of the comm call to Scott.

Scott ran his hand through his hair, wet from his shower earlier. "You weren't around, Sara," he sighed. "It is bad. It's not been good for a while now. But you know..."

Ryder nodded. "I know. She's stubborn. Is Pa not going to talk to her?"

Scott snorted. It was a sound dismissive and tired. "He is off on yet another mission. I don't know when I can get in contact with him. But Pa's better than you, at least he has been home. Sara, you are away for so long."

Ryder heard the hurt in his voice, the accusation and the resignation. She couldn't quite bring herself to meet Scott's eyes. Eyes that were so much like her own, but filled with resentment. Shame made her skin flush. _I left, I've escaped and Scott didn't. He saw the slow decline, he saw the slide into whatever this is now. I'm a coward._

She shook her head. It's not a conversation she liked to remember. Ryder promised herself that she would do better, be a better daughter and sister. Eventually, her feet took her and her swirling thoughts back to the control room, completely sure she did a shitty job patrolling. "Everything's normal," Ryder said as she entered.

Kovács nodded as he got ready for his patrol. He holstered his pistol and left. The machines hummed quietly in his wake. Ryder sank into her chair and sighed. She rubbed her hand over her face and rolled her shoulders, internally chiding herself for doing such a poor job.

"You do know I didn't put them up to it, right?"

Ryder blinked. It took her a while to register that Sagh was speaking to her. She cocked her head and said, "Sorry but I missed what you said, could you repeat?"

He turned to face her. His eyes met her head on for the first time in an entire month. He was still tensed, his shoulders set and his jaw tight, but it wasn't from anger, not any longer. Ryder watched as his Adam's apple bobbed up and down once. "I didn't put them up to it," he said quietly.

The statement lay across them like a peace offering.

Ryder was angry before. It was a fire that flared bright. However, Melnik and Amir were arrested, thrown into the jail on base. One week had came and gone. The pair were still languishing in there. Lieutenant Walker had punted the problem up the chain. And now they waited. In that time, Ryder went from anger, to numbness, and finally to a weird sort of resentment. Through it all, she hadn't thought to blame Sagh.

"I know," she replied, grateful that her voice remained steady. "It's mine."

Sagh flinched and frowned.

"I should have shut this down from day one," she pointed out. "I shouldn't have let it go on for so long."

"No… but yeah…"

Ryder chuckled ruefully. "What will it be, yes or no?"

"I mean…," Sagh rubbed the back of his neck.

Ryder snorted at his discomfort. "It's fine. I know where I went wrong. And if I can do it again, I'll be stepping on Melnik's neck way sooner. Maybe all of this could be avoided." She leaned back against her chair. "But are we good now?"

She straightened and looked at Sagh. There was no way she'd fuck this up with him. She should have cleared the air with Sagh a long time ago. It had festered for a whole month. _Maybe I am just not cut out to be in charge of anyone but myself._

The question lingered in the air. Her eyes fixed on Sagh, her mind racing ahead, words to persuade, words to condemn, words to cajole, words to demand.

Sagh took a deep breath and met her eyes. "We're good," he replied.

Ryder blinked. _Is it that simple? That's it._

"I mean, I still do not like biotics in general but you… I'm good with you."

It was way more than she had expected. She cocked her head, there was an upward tug on her lips as she considered. "That's good enough for now," she said. "One day, maybe I can change your mind. I don't know what happened to make you feel this way, but maybe one day I can show you that biotics are not freaks."

Sagh nodded and just like that everything seemed to shift back to normalcy. Ryder allowed herself a small smile.

* * *

Tao entered the control room as Ryder was chatting with Sagh and Kovács. His eyes narrowed even as a smile tugged at his mouth. Something had changed, the tension he didn't realise had been enveloping the base was gone. Things felt the same as before, before Ryder's arrival threw everything into flux.

She was smiling, a cute little lop-sided one which he had only seen a couple of time at the shooting range. Her ponytail now tied high, her amp on display for everyone to see. Tao nodded at himself, pleased to see that the incident didn't keep her down for long.

Being assaulted was traumatising, what's worse was being surrounded by people she was supposed to be able to trust with her life. But really they were all strangers at best, thrown together by the brass for no good reason or fore-thought. Tao admired Ryder's resilience, but she was the corporal and he was just the lance-corporal. He decided to keep his thoughts to himself.

"Shift change," he called out.

Ryder handed him the datapad. "Nothing out of the ordinary. Just another boring shift."

"What would I give for some excitement around here," Kovács said.


	7. Mayday

Chapter 7 - Mayday

"What's up?" Ryder asked as she entered the barracks.

Kovács and Sagh had left for the showers in their boxer briefs, as usual. She shuddered remembering the day she saw Garcia striding to and from the showers without anything on. But now, she was numb to the sight, knowing better than to react. Being the baby Corporal was bad enough without having to be teased about "being innocent" as well. She was after all a grown woman and she knew her body well.

"Whatever the archaeologists found is exciting enough that the Alliance High Command is telling them to ship it over to Hephaestus. And nobody is happy about that. Rumour has it it's another one of those Prothean Beacon that holds untold knowledge and shit. So they are being super careful with it," Tao replied. "Maybe Walker will send his people to handle the transfer."

"We can do the job," Kovács declared. "It's our find, why is it going to Hephaestus?"

Sagh shook his head. "It's the science guys' find. Not yours. You're just the glorified security guard."

"As are you," the younger man retorted.

"I never profess to be anything else." Tao and Sagh shared a laugh.

Ryder shrugged as she stowed her stuff. It didn't really matter, everything was being decided way above her pay grade. She looked at her Avenger critically and decided it was time for some cleaning. How did the rifle ever get so dirty despite not being fired a single time? It boggled her mind. _It must be the Janus sand. It gets every fucking where._

"So who is coming to get the Prothean artifact? Someone from High Command along with a military escort I assume?"

"Yup. Walker himself is the escort so you know this is big. I can't remember the last time he came down to poor old Janus. Ishida, wants us to get things all spick and span for him."

Ryder hummed as she started breaking down her Avenger. "So an exciting time for us either way, I guess," she said, "just like Kovács wanted."

Tao groaned. "Kovács doesn't know what he is wishing for. I just want peace and quiet. I'm so close to the end."

This wasn't news to her, but she was still a little sad about it. It was mentioned in the passing while chatting with Garcia and the others. Tao was the one she was closest to even though she was barely on Janus. So much had happened in the mere span of months. And Tao had been steadfast by her side since the beginning.

"You're really not re-upping again?" she asked, examining the barrel with one eye squeezed shut.

Tao belted up his pants. "Yeah, I'm taking the bonus and getting out while I still can," he said. "It will be good to see Ryan from time to time in the flesh you know."

Ryder nodded, keeping her hands busy with her broken down Avenger. "Yeah, I get that. Family and all that." She cringed inwardly when her voice came out a little bitter.

He cocked his head. "What about you? You have anyone? I've seen you typing away on your omni-tool sometimes. Kovács told me about how you're typing away when he picked you up from the port."

Ryder smirked. "He assumed I was typing a report to Ishida. Did you know he fell asleep waiting for me at the port?"

Tao laughed. "He left that bit out."

"Of course."

Their laughter rang out, one deeper, the other higher. As they drifted back to companionable silence, Tao repeated, "Anyone special?"

She snorted. "I wish. Nobody special. Where would I find the time? Long distance is hard enough without the whole biotics business," she said.

He frowned. "There are always asaris, they obviously won't mind your biotics."

Ryder slid pieces back into place before dry firing the rifle. The trigger clicked. "I don't know. Asaris don't really appeal to me. I mean they're beautiful and all that, but I don't swing that way."

"So straight then?"

Ryder nodded and chuckled. "Straight. Sorry if we're fighting over the same bunch of people."

"I'm fine, I found mine," Tao laughed as he slid the pistol into his holster and picking up his rifle. "I should get to the control room before Ishida kills me. See you later, baby Corporal."

Ryder rolled her eyes. Her eyes fixed on what she was doing, but she waved in his direction as he left. As the door slid shut, she sighed and leaned against her chair. _Someone special? Maybe someday._

"Maybe Walker will take Melnik and Amir off our hands too," she mused as she went back to cleaning her rifle.

* * *

The barracks was dim. Sagh's snores were a distant old school train rumbling. Kovács' were softer but no less noisy. Ryder shifted in her bed and stared at the ceiling. For some reason, she just couldn't sleep. _I'm too hot, that must be it._ She tossed her blanket aside and closed her eyes firmly. She waited for sleep to take her, but closing her eyes seemed only to amplify her other senses.

Sagh's snores got louder if that was possible. There was a soft humming as the weather control unit kicked in. Ryder turned onto her side, her arms and legs tightening around her bolster. She forced her shoulders to relax. There was a telltale sharp hiss of air from Sagh's side of the barracks.

 _Fuck._

Ryder snapped upright as she made a sound of disgust, pinching her nose with her fingers. She glared at Sagh, he was sleeping blissfully unaware of her annoyance.

Tapping her omni-tool, she winced at the orange glow flared to life. It was at least another two hours before her usual waking up time, but it was clear she wasn't getting any more sleep. _Maybe a quick biotics workout is better than trying to sleep._

Ryder made her bed as best she could in the dim light. Her feet padded across the room towards the door when her omni-tool rang out. It was loud, obnoxious and very insistent. She clamped her hand over her omni-tool but she realised it wasn't just coming from hers, but Kovács' and Sagh's as well.

Ryder tapped against the interface and found a message from Ishida.

 **Unidentified foreign ship broke atmosphere. Shift Two report to the control room immediately.**

"Damnit, Kovács," she cursed, "couldn't you wish for a free crate of booze?"

Ryder tapped on her omni-tool, activating the barrack's lights. Sagh was already blearily reading his omni-tool. "Kovács!" she shouted.

He was surprisingly sleeping through the loud beeping that was going on next to his ear. Sagh looked at her, rubbing sleep from his eyes. "What's going on?" he asked.

"I don't know but it's nothing good. Gear up and report to Ishida. I'll get Kovács up," she said, striding over to his bed.

Sagh moved with an urgency unseen on regular days. Ryder turned her attention to the sleeping Private. "Kovács!" she shouted again.

Still nothing. _Fuck._

Ryder shook his shoulders. Kovács groaned and buried his face into the pillows. "Kovács, we're needed! Get the fuck up!"

Her mouth gaped open as she heard Kovács' breathing deepened. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" she growled.

Her patience fraying, Ryder pulled at her core and blue flames engulfed Kovács. With a jerk of her hand, she yanked him off his bed. Kovács was hovering half a metre over empty space when he decided to open his eyes. "Ryder, what's going on?" he asked.

She rolled her eyes and withdrew her biotics. Kovács fell onto the floor unceremoniously with a thump. "What the hell?" he groaned sitting up. "And what is that noise?"

"Private Kovács," Ryder barked.

Kovács snapped to his feet reflexively now that he was semi-awake. "Get dressed now!"

"Yes ma'am!" he shouted automatically, his eyes wide in surprise, his limbs stiff in a salute.

* * *

"What the fuck took you so long?" Ishida yelled as soon as she stepped into the control room.

Ryder shot a look in Kovács' direction but before she could opened her mouth to answer a voice burst through the speakers.

"Janus base, Janus base. This is CEX4783 Sinon, do you read?" It crackled and broke up in parts. "Janus base, please come in."

Ishida surged to his feet and replied as calmly and clearly as possible. "This is Janus base, please state your emergency."

The connection cut to ear splitting static. Ryder glanced at the weather monitor. A storm was due to hit soon. This explained the spotty comms. "What does the IFF say?" Ishida asked.

"Definitely not Alliance. It's a registered transport ship out from the Citadel," Garcia replied, information scrolling on his terminal. "Everything looks legit."

"Kuso (糞)," Ishida cursed, "Can you track them?"

Tao looked up from his terminal. "Yes, it looks like they're coming in for a crash landing. They have lost their drive-"

"Janus base, we are attempting a crash landing please do not shoot, repeat, please do not shoot. This is the Sinon, I repeat CEX4783 Sinon. We're a civilian shuttle transport. Please-"

"Fuck," Ryder gasped, the reality of the situation dawning upon her.

Ishida's frown deepened. "I need an estimate on the crash site. They will need help when they come down."

 _Come down, that's one way to put it._

Ryder glanced at her team.

 _Kovács and Sagh only had their pistols. They will need their full gear and first aid supplies. Maybe Garcia should come along too?_ Ryder's thoughts raced ahead of her. She turned to Ishida and said, "I'll go check it out."

Ishida shook his head. "I'll go, you make sure Walker knows about this. Tao, Garcia, let's go."

Ryder nodded. She watched Ishida and the others left. As Tao passed her, she grabbed his arm. "Good luck."

He nodded before running after the others. She sighed and sank into the chair. It was still warm from Ishida's body heat. Sagh and Kovács found their seats and waited for their orders. "Get the Lieutenant on the comms."

* * *

Ryder was pacing. Comms was down thanks to the storm hitting in full force. The sensors had confirmed that the Sinon had crashed within the projected area. "Janus base, come in," Ishida's voice crackled over the comms. "The storm is going to cut off communications. We are heading in to search for survivors."

"Survivors? In that inferno? You got to be joking?" Garcia's voice rang over Ishida's words.

"Standby to receive any and all survivors," Ishida instructed, ignoring Garcia's comments.

It had been two hours since that transmission. She had manned the control station while she got Sagh to pull all emergency supplies out from storage. There had been no news. Ryder knew it was thanks to the storm, but the silence was eating at her.

 _This is a civilian shuttle transport. They can carry anywhere between 100 - 500 passengers. That's more than we can handle. Did they have time to deploy life pods? Was it only crew left on board? We need a craft with space travel capabilities to sweep the area for life pods. Fuck._

She bit back a growl of frustration, it sucked having to be the one left behind on base. There was nothing she could do about it. The base was now her responsibility. With the new Prothean find the archaeologists had made, security was paramount. "Kovács," she radioed. "Report."

Sagh shifted his intent gaze and looked her. It was the third time she asked that patrol. Ryder knew there was nothing new to report, but she couldn't help it. She needed to do something even if it was to bug Kovács during his patrol.

"Nothing to report," Kovács replied.

"Thank you," she muttered before tapped harder than necessary on her terminal to shut down the connection.

"You're ok back there?" Sagh asked, "This isn't your first rodeo right, Baby Corporal?"

Ryder huffed, the nickname wasn't helping with her mood right now. "No it isn't."

 _But it's the first time it's I'm giving orders rather than carrying them out._ The thought twisted her guts tighter. She rolled her shoulders, trying to force herself to relax, but she only succeeded in making herself feel worse.

Her terminal chimed. It was an alert on the weather report she had set up earlier. "There's going to be a five minutes window coming up in seven minutes on the comms," she said, "I need you to raise anyone on Ishida's team."

Sagh nodded, he turned back to his own terminal and a countdown of seven minutes was started. Ryder sighed, she had to reach the Lieutenant again. The last transmission she could barely get him on the comms before the storm cut them off.

 _Thank fuck, comms within the base still worked fine._

She forced herself back on her chair. Her leg had taken up tapping in lieu of pacing. Her eyes glued on Sagh's terminal. The countdown was large enough to see from her desk. As soon as it beeped, Sagh's fingers danced across the interface as he tried to get in contact with Ishida's team. Ryder shook her head and concentrated on her task.

She tapped a sequence of passcodes to activate the secure comms link. "Come on, come on," Ryder muttered under her breath, willing the computer to work faster.

There was nothing on her screen, just the Alliance logo twirling over and over again. Her ears picking up Sagh's futile attempts to get in touch with Ishida's team. "Ishida, come in, do you copy?" Sagh called, edges of alarm colouring his voice.

More tapping came before Sagh said, "Garcia, this is Janus base, what's the situation on ground? Do you read me?"

Crackling came from her terminal. "Yes!" she hissed under her breath, before getting down to business. "Hephaestus base do you read? This is Corporal Ryder of Janus base. We have a civilian ship crash landing here. We request aid."

A voice on the other end replied, "Stand by."

Ryder's jaw clenched. She didn't need instructions, she needed resources. Being forced to choose between staying true to her orders or going down to the crash site to aid the victims didn't appeal to her.

"Corporal?" This was a different voice. Ryder straightened in her seat even though the transmission was audio only. "This is Lieutenant Walker. What is the situation?"

Ryder repeated what she said before as she glanced in Sagh's direction. She waved to get his attention. Sagh caught motion in his peripheral vision and turned to face her. He shook his head.

 _Fuck._

"Sir, we have lost contact with Sergeant Ishida's team two hours ago," she said.

Walker was silent on the other end of the line. Ryder glanced at the weather report. Their window for communications was closing. "Sir?" she said, unsure how to hurry her commanding officer up. "Sir, we will need help when the victims come in. Medical doctors, more boots on the ground to just help out. We do not have the manpower to do this properly."

Walker made a grunt of impatience and Ryder snapped her mouth shut. "When is the next projected communication window?" he asked.

Ryder tapped on her terminal, the screen flickered. It took a couple of quick swipes to find it. _Why the fuck does it matter? I need the manpower now._ "In another 24 hours," she replied, her hand rubbing the back of her neck.

"Check back with me in 24 hours. Ishida is a professional, his team are all trained soldiers. If this is just a downed ship, he will be able to sort this out with the people he got on Janus-"

"But sir, we are down two people," Ryder retorted, fully wishing she could end the sentence with "remember" but she leashed the desire to do so.

"Ryder," Walker huffed, "Do not over step your bounds. Await Ishida's orders or mine. This isn't the time to panic."

"Lieutenant, this is a civilian shuttle transport, they can carry hundreds of passengers, maybe of them non-human. We do not have enough supplies for all of them. They will need medical attention, we do not have a doctor here on base. We only have a field medic. And there might be life pods waiting rescue out in our orbit," Ryder pointed out almost incredulously. "The life pods won't be able to stand up to Janus' storms. They need to be retrieved as soon as possible. We only have shuttles. They can't clear Janus' gravity well to retrieve the life pods."

Walker sighed. Ryder knew her concerns were valid but why was the Lieutenant not concerned about them. _Is there something I am not seeing?_

"Yes, I understand the urgency," Walker replied but his tone was at odds with his words. All Ryder could hear was dismissal. "But we do not have the ships to mount a rescue mission right now," he went on.

Ryder frowned. "What do you mean?" She cleared her throat realised she had went from seeking clarification from her commanding officer to questioning her orders. "Sir, we don't orbital security of Hephaestus or Janus right now? Who is watching the skies?"

"You have your anti-air guns and that's enough for Janus," Walker spoke slowly as if explaining to a slow child.

They had a pair of ships that were space travel worthy to share between the bases. Everything else were shuttles capable of air travel but it didn't have enough power to escape Janus' or Hephaestus' gravity well. To have the pair of spaceships unavailable was leaving a huge hole in the defence of their sector. _Unless Walker meant he didn't have the soldiers for the job but… why?_

Ryder," he barked, jerking her out of her thoughts, "I'd suggest you follow your orders. I'd expect a situation update in 24 hours."

"But-" Ryder didn't even manage to protest when Walker unceremoniously terminated the comms.

She slumped back against her chair, disbelief written all over her face. Ryder turned to look at Sagh. He was still trying to raise Ishida's team. The window was closing, the countdown was ticking down on her screen. They had a mere minute left.

"Tao, Ishida, Gracia, come in!" Sagh was shouting now.

The door hissed open, Ryder flinched. It was Kovács. "What?" he asked when he saw her staring at him. She shook her head. Taking a deep breath and she walked over to Sagh's seat. Kovács joined her.

"Tao! Come in you asshole!" Sagh demanded before giving up, pushing away from his desk with a grunt.

Ryder picked up where he left off. "Sergeant, are you there? Garcia? Tao?"

Silence rang loud over the other end of the line. Kovács looked at both of them and Sagh shook his head. "What the-"

Then the line flared to life. "Janus, come in!" It was Ishida. "Janus!"

"This is Janus, Ishida, what the fuck is going on?"

Breaths heavy and laboured came through the other end. Gunfire peppered the background. Ryder's heart quickened. _What the fuck is going on?_

"Tao's down!" he screamed. "Garcia!"

Heavy footsteps on hard ground, grunts of exertions. More gunfire, louder this time, closer. "Bastards!" Ishida growled.

Ryder flinched. Her knuckles white, her ears straining to hear more, to do something, anything.

"Garcia, Tao's lost. We've got to go. Walker-"

It went dead silent. Ryder's eyes flicked between Sagh and Kovács. Their eyes wide, jaws open.

"What the fuck?" Kovács said, giving voice to the same thought in all their heads.


	8. The Sinon

Chapter 8 - The Sinon

"What do we do, Corporal?" Kovács asked.

Ryder flinched at the emphasis on her rank. _Fuck, I am the ranking NCO now, aren't I?_ Her mouth dried up as her head started to pound. She took a deep breath, "Ishida needs our help. We can't just leave them out there."

Sagh nodded while Kovács's already pale face turned whiter. _Fuck, I can't do it with just the three of us. That will mean leaving the base unmanned. That won't do. We need more people._

"Melnik and Amir," she blurted.

"What about them?" Sagh asked, his eyes narrowing.

 _Fuck, maybe it's better if I hand over command to Sagh? I don't even know what the hell I am doing._

"I'll take them with me and go after Ishida's team. Both of you hold down the fort," she replied.

"What about the Lieutenant's orders?" Kovács asked, worry furrowing his brow.

"Walker ordered me to check back with him in 24 hours. He didn't say anything about not going after Ishida. And those orders were given before Ishida and his team were attacked. We have a hostile force on Janus," Ryder pointed out, feeling the need to justify herself.

 _Am I doing the fucking right thing? What is the right thing to do?_

She straightened and headed towards the door. "I'll take full responsibility for this. You guys just hold down the fort. And start getting the archaeologists to somewhere secure. We don't know what kind of forces we're facing."

Her foot hovered over the threshold, she turned to them. Both looked unconvinced and more than a little apprehensive. "Sagh, you have command here," she blurted before nerves got the better of her.

As soon as Ryder was out the door, she felt much better. She was moving, she had a goal, she had a mission. A half baked plan forming in her head, she headed back towards the barracks and down the stairs to the basement.

Drawing her pistol, the weight was familiar and reassuring in her hand, she entered the jail. It was a tiny one of four cells. Normally used to house drunk servicemen or the occasional civilian, this was the first time Janus' jail was put to its actual purpose.

There were whispered conversations as she entered, but they were silenced the moment her boots thumped against the floor. "That you Tao?" Amir called out, "Isn't it a little late for you?"

Ryder's heart clenched at the thought of Tao lying dead in a pool of his own blood. She pushed the image to the back of her mind. _Better to get it over and done with quickly._

"It's Ryder," she said as she neared the cells. Melnik and Amir were housed in individual cells side by side. An orange barrier separated them from her.

Amir got to his feet and bit his lip, his eyes unable to meet hers. "Look… I'm sorry for what I've done… I didn't mean to… Shit, I was stupid and high on fucking drugs," he stammered. "And it was all Melnik's idea."

Melnik stood and slammed his fist against the wall their cells shared. "Way to throw me under the bus, huh?" he shouted. "Blame it all on me!"

She stiffened, her eyes snapped to Melnik as she glared. He made his feelings towards her clear from day one. _A slab of female flesh, a target for his unwanted attention and nothing more._ It might be her fault for not doing anything about it then. But now with so much at stake, she couldn't afford it any longer. Ryder fought back a shudder at his leer and pulled a mask over her face. She needed to know if Melnik could still be a professional after everything.

"Ishida's team is in trouble. I need you guys to come with me to pull them out," she said, "Can you do it?"

Amir's eyes jerked to her. "Trouble?"

Ryder nodded curtly. "Gunfire type trouble," she replied. "I need to know. Can you do your job? I'll-"

"What? Go on your own?" Melnik sneered, brown eyes taunting, challenging.

Stigma against biotics had taught her to flying under the radar, not to make waves but no longer. Ryder met his gaze head on, her jaw set, her shoulders stiff. She tapped on her omni-tool. The orange barrier barring Melnik's cell fizzled out. He cocked his head at her. Confusion made him wary. His sneer slipped off his face as he hesitated at the threshold.

"Come out, Melnik. Give me your answer, I don't have time for this," she spat.

With a quick pull at her core, Ryder flared. Blue licking every inch of her body as she stared him down. "I can finish the job I didn't that day," she stated flatly. "There is nobody to stop me now."

Melnik's eyes flicked between her dead serious eyes and her blue sheathed arms. It wasn't the appraising glance of her body, this was fear, the gut-clenching kind. A weak smile plastered across his face. "Relax, it's just a joke, Ryder."

"That's Corporal Ryder to you," Ryder growled.

She wasted no time and deactivated Amir's cell as well. "Come on, grab your gear and we'll take the Mako out."

 _I hope I don't fucking regret this._

* * *

Ryder's focus was singular. Her hands on the wheel, her eyes on the farthest point where there was still some semblance of visibility. That was how bad the storm was. The cacophony of sand and tiny rocks hitting against the Mako was constant. It had turned into a sort of white noise. Amir sat shotgun while Melnik sat directly behind her. Ryder shifted in her seat, the space between her shoulder blade itched for no reason at all.

"Five klicks," Amir reported helpfully.

Ryder nodded and drove as fast as she dared. The storm wasn't as severe as the one that hit when she arrived, but this was still a non-stop spray of shifting dust. The Mako rocked as it navigated its way down the crater. "Fuck," Melnik cursed as the motion made him crashed into the side. "Do you know how to drive?"

Ryder took a deep breath, marshalling the tattered shreds of her nerves. "Suck it up boys, Ishida and the others are counting on us," she said, her voice betraying none of her fear. "Try Janus base again."

"Janus base, come in, this is Mako Two," Amir spoke into his omni-tool.

She turned her attention back to the road, weaving her way around rocks too large to just climb over. _One step at a time._ This was something she could overcome. _Be like the Mako._ After all, it was unstoppable, crunching over almost everything in its path.

Amir's voice disappeared into the background. There was probably no reaching the base once they were this far away. The crash site was a good ten klicks north of the base. He gave up. Melnik sighed loudly behind her. Judgement radiating from him.

 _Fuck, I don't need his bullshit out here._

But all that faded as the Mako crested the lip of the crater, Ryder could see black mixing with the orange in the sky. It was smoke. And where there was smoke, there was fire.

"Shit," Melnik muttered under his breath.

Ryder concurred, but she kept her mouth shut. Her only reaction was to floor the pedal.

* * *

Pistol in hand, she signalled to Melnik and Amir via their comms. _Thank fuck, it is still working for short range bursts._

Smoke was billowing out from the downed ship. Pieces of ship littered across the barren land. The debris field stretched further than her eye could see, most of it obscured by the storm. It was all charred plastic and shattered glass, melting metal and burning eezo. White flames turning everything to slag.

The largest intact piece of the ship lay upside down before them. It was the middle section, sheared clean through. She could see the cross section of the ship, all exposed guts, sparking wiring and furniture that's part of a civilian transport. Printed against the side of the section was white text slowly turning black from soot.

It read Sinon.

Her jaw tightened and she picked up the pace. Her respirator wasn't quite able to filter the stench out. Ryder coughed, hearing the others doing the same. It would only going to get worse the closer they got. She could already taste the bitter ashes in her mouth.

"Come on."

They jogged in a loose line towards the ship. Her guts clenched tighter and tighter. _Something is just off._ This was a crash site. Even as hot as the ruptured drive core was burning, where were all the bodies? A ship of this size, they probably wouldn't have enough life pods for everyone. There should be bodies strewn across the debris field.

 _Where are they? Are they further away?_

Ryder shoved the worry to the back of her mind when she spotted something familiar. Silhouetted against the white flames and burning ship was the Mako, Ishida's. She pushed towards it. The closer they got, the more her sense of dread intensified.

Bullet holes peppered the side of the Mako. One of the doors was left ajar. Drag marks led towards it. Boot prints were everywhere, muddying up an accurate read on the situation. But the scene just screamed one thing to her.

 _This was an ambush._

Ryder pulled her Avenger from the mag-holster. "Weapons free, eyes straight."

"What? Why?" Amir asked, his voice higher than usual. His darker skin looked ashen under the blazing white light.

"They walked into an ambush," she replied.

"Got it," Melnik replied, his voice steady.

Ryder glanced at Amir, noticing the tremor in his hands as he held his rifle. His eyes followed her gaze down towards the safety on his weapon. It was still in the locked position. Amir winced and flicked the safety off. Ryder checked Melnik's. It was in the right position. She nodded at them and only Melnik managed to look like he wasn't going to puke.

"Fan out."

Amir took the left while Melnik took the right. She headed straight for the Mako and prayed all the dark patches on the ground weren't blood.

* * *

"Fuck," Ryder cursed, "Tao!"

Blood. Red, dripping and pooling. But his eyes were fluttering, he was alive! Her eyes scanned his armour as her hands worked. His chest plate was scorched and dented. His visor was cracked, but the reinforcement held. Her fingers felt fat as they searched for the control to sync his armour's onboard computer to her omni-tool. It flashed red when she found it.

"Don't you fucking die on me!" she growled.

Tao's medi-gel dispenser was too damaged. So she activated it manually.

 _Where's Ishida? Where's Garcia? He should be here dealing with this. I don't know what I am doing! This is a trap, a lure for Ishida's team. But who? Why?_

Her attention was being dragged in a million different directions.

With a push of a button, the medi-gel was injected into Tao. Almost instantly, there was a groan from him, his eyes opening fully. "Tao, what happened?" she shouted.

Despite how callous it made her feel, she needed to know. Ishida and Garcia were still out there. Tao's mouth moved but she could hear nothing. _Is his comms down too? Shit._

His hands moved to gesture in the direction of the Sinon's wreckage urgently, wincing at every motion. She glanced over her shoulder, grimacing at the bright white flames searing an after image into her retinas. Ryder pressed her helmet against his, praying it was enough to pick up his voice.

"Ambush…"

"Ishida, Garcia, where are they?"

"Couldn't get to me, retreated." His hand gestured at the Sinon again.

Ryder's jaw clenched so hard it ached. She straightened and radioed Amir. The pair had formed a perimeter around the Mako. "Watch Tao, stabilise him," she said as she dug into her utility belt.

Amir jogged over. He gasped when he laid eyes on Tao. Shattered armour, bloodied and stretched out across the back of the Mako. "Is he still alive?" he whispered.

Ryder was saved from answering when Tao groaned. "Did you hear me, Amir?" she asked, worried he wasn't up to the task. "Watch him, keep him alive."

Amir turned his eyes to her. She could see the whites of his eyes, wide. "How?" he asked, his hand gesturing towards Tao. "I'm not Garcia."

 _I don't know either._ But instead, she said, "Give him more medi-gel if he is in too much pain. It will help stop the bleeding," she tossed her spares at him. "Radio Janus and let them know. Those fuckers may strike the base."

Amir nodded. "Sir, yes, sir."

Ryder bit her lip. He looked too scared for the job, but she wasn't willing to put him at her back if it came down to a battle. Melnik, despite all her misgivings, didn't look like he was already falling apart.

"Melnik, with me," she said, jogging towards the white heat of the wreckage.

* * *

Ryder could feel the heat through her armour. Sweat trickling down her spine even through her compression suit. How she longed to pull her helmet off to get some relief. She made sure she didn't look directly into the white flames. It would surely burn her retinas out.

 _How long will it keep burning? Why didn't the fire safety measures kick in?_

She glanced over her shoulder, Melnik was keeping a sharp eye on their rear. Picking up the pace, she led them skirting passed the worse of the burning section, towards the open guts of the Sinon. Despite the oppressive heat at their rear, it was dark as soon as they stepped into the dead carcass of the Sinon. Ryder activated her armour's light mod. Twin beams of high powered lights pierced the shadowy darkness that shrouded the ship.

This section had been tipped, it laid belly up. They were walking in the ceiling of a long and straight corridor. Doors lined it at regular intervals. _Crew quarters? Passenger rooms?_ Without power the doors would take a lot of effort to pry open. It was unlikely that Ishida or Garcia would be in any of them.

Walking on what was the ceiling of ship just deepened her sense of something was wrong. "What are we doing here? Is Ishida and Garcia here?" Melnik hissed.

"Look," Ryder replied, also feeling the need to whisper. He traced the line of her gaze and his eyes widened. There were tracks, tracks that matched theirs. They all led inwards.

He grimaced as he traced them with his eyes deeper and deeper into the ship. "Let's go," Ryder said and he nodded in response.

Step by step, they followed. Her grip on her rifle tightened. Despite the heat, a chill ran down her spine. Her guts churned but still she stepped deeper into the guts of a dead ship.

They stopped at several four-way junctions, the tracks guided them into the bowels of the ship. Tracks gave way to signs of a gunfight. Copious amount of blood splattered the walls and floor. Ryder had expected to find a body or two by now but there was none, only more drag marks.

"Someone has cleared the bodies," she said.

"As if this isn't fucking creepy enough," Melnik replied.

Ryder agreed, but she didn't reply. Her eyes were trained on the trail, her rifle leading the way. Her sense of dread was the lump in her throat, the stone in her guts. "Amir," she called via her omni-tool.

Static crackled on the other end. "Amir," she hissed, fear seizing her.

It felt like anyone out of her sight would disappear like smoke. They should still be in range despite the storm. "Come on."

"-yder, come in," Amir came through after another burst of static.

Relief was never sweeter. "What's the situation?"

"Tao needs proper medical attention, medi-gel can only do so much. We have to get him back to base as soon as possible."

Ryder sighed. She had expected as much, seeing the amount of blood that coated the ground and the inside of the Mako. "What about the base? Can you get in touch with them?"

"No, comms are still down," Amir replied.

"All right, hang in there. Tao's counting on you," Ryder said, "See you in a bit. Ryder, out."

Melnik glanced at her, he heard the conversation. As much as Tao needed to get back to base, they needed to find the others. They desperately needed intel. _What the fuck is going on? Who is attacking us? Isn't this just a downed civilian transport?_

They continued their cautious walk further into the Sinon. They were the only section of bright in this cavernous tunnel of dark. They took care to avoid stepping on the light fixtures, making their way over the various dips and bumps of the ceiling. It was slow going.

Then, she froze.

Melnik's boots scuffed against the ceiling turn floor as he avoided bumping into her. "What is it?" he breathed.

She took a step to the side to show him. There was a light source coming from one branch of a junction up ahead. It couldn't have been from the ship. This section was completely dead.

"Trap?"

Ryder shrugged, they had to check it out, especially when a set of tracks led into the branch where the light was coming from. "Ready?" she asked.

Melnik met her eyes through the tiny slit on their helmets. He nodded and they swung into action.

Fast, precise steps towards the light, bodies pressed against the wall. The slow careful slide towards the edge. A swift transition at the bend, rifle ready, finger on trigger, biotics buzzing under her skin. A breath caught in her throat as her light caught armours of familiar Alliance colours. Still, she held herself back.

"Cover me," she said as she headed towards the bodies.

With a nudge of her rifle, she flipped the bodies over. Heart clenching, guts sinking, it confirmed what she feared. Ishida's glassy eyes stared right back at her. The same pair of eyes that were supposed watch his kid grow up. Ryder bit her lip hard enough she tasted blood. She moved to the next one. Garcia's eyes were mercifully closed but on his omni-tool, the source of the light, was a picture of his kid. The kid that he was trying to reach out to and build a relationship again.

 _Fuck._

Ryder closed her eyes. holding the grief and ache close against her heart. Sighing, she sank down on one knee and unbuckled their helmets.

"I'm sorry." Her voice just a whisper as she reached in and fished for their tags. With a quick yank, she detached one of the tags and kept it safe in her utility belt. Her dread was rapidly turning into anger.

 _Who killed them? Who ambushed them? What the fuck is going on?_

When Ryder straightened, her face was a mask of barely contained fury. "Melnik," she called.

His neck snapped in her direction. Questions hovered on his lips but one look at her expression told him everything he wanted to know. "Let's get back to Amir."

He nodded, looking subdued. The non-jokes were put aside, the constant poking and prodding stopped in the face of the realities of being a soldier of the Systems Alliance. She held his gaze. The silence of the ship was ominous. It was the deathly stillness of a tomb.

They made their way out the way they came. Their pace quicker than before. Tao's life was hanging in the balance. Melnik had radioed Amir to let him know they were on their way back. The relief in his voice was palpable.

 _Tao has got to make it. He will._


	9. Distraction and Destruction

Chapter 9 - Distraction and Destruction

"-yder, come in, Ryder!"

She jerked her head at Melnik. Amir kept his eyes on Tao but strained his ears to listen in. Melnik tapped on his omni-tool to connect. "This is Melnik," he said, "we're on our way back to base."

"The base is compromised!" Kovács shouted, gunfire echoing in the background.

"Go, go, go!" Sagh shouted.

Screams of fear, shrieks of panic rang out. "Get the paper pushers out of there. It's a dead end!"

Melnik glanced at Ryder. Her jaw tightened. This really couldn't get any worse. "Barricade yourself in the control room, activate the turrets," she barked.

"There are too many of them. We can't get there!" Kovács shouted, another barrage of bullets made the omni-tool's speakers blew out.

"Why-" she took a deliberate breath, swallowing her first question. Instead, she said, "I need intel. Who is attacking? What the hell do they want?"

"How the fuck should I know?" he shouted. "A bunch of paramilitary guys just showed up and started shooting!"

"Colours! What colours are they wearing? Some kind of logo? Anything, Kovács!"

Ryder threw caution to the wind. The Mako picked up speed as she floored the pedal. Bullets whizzed through the air on the other end of the comms. How she wished she was actually there to do something. Her knuckles were white on the steering wheel. It seemed she was doomed to be helpless.

A yelp of pain came through loud and clear. "Kovács!" Melnik shouted.

There was nothing for a while but the shuffling of feet and hushed whispers of terrified civilians. Ryder waited, hoped and prayed to the gods. "Damn, they got me," Kovács gasped.

"Slap some medi-gel on it, you will be fine," she snapped, hoping she was right.

"Yeah, it's just a gaze. I'll live."

She swallowed her sigh of relief. Her mind was already churning ahead. "Colours, Kovács."

"Right, right. It's a little hard to get a good look when they are firing at us," he said breathlessly. "Yellow and black. Black diamond with yellow lines on the side."

Ryder's heart sank. "Cerberus," she said, "They're Cerberus."

"Shit," Amir said.

She couldn't put it any more eloquently.

* * *

She considered the direct route. There was a certain appeal to slam the Mako into the Cerberus troops milling about. But that gave away the element of surprise.

 _What element of surprise if you only have one truck, and three other people? One of them grievously hurt._

She ground her teeth and considered her options. They were sitting pretty, two klicks off the base. The sun was peaking out from between the shifting sands. The winds seemed to have shifted, the storm slightly calmer than when they first left the base. But now Ryder didn't dare risk another burst of transmission. Cerberus might have hacked into their comms and were listening in. She shifted in her seat and looked at Amir. He hadn't really recovered his colour since she busted him out of his cell. Her eyes flicked to Tao. He was fair skinned to begin with, now he looked practically transparent. Amir said, "Tao has lost a lot of blood."

"And medi-gel is not going to help with that," she finished.

She turned at Melnik. "Options?"

He stared at her, his eyes wide. Suddenly he looked young, too fucking young for this. _I'm too young for this shit too._

Melnik shook his head. Ryder wanted to roll her eyes. Where did all his bravado go? Was it only good enough for some "barracks humour"? Taking a deep breath, she sketched out her shitty ideas.

"Frontal assault is out. We don't have the numbers for it. We can see how many are outside, there are sure to be more inside. The Sinon was a decoy, aimed to split our forces."

Melnik and Amir nodded. _All right, so far so good._

"Our best bet are the automated turrets and distress beacon. Activation for both are in the control room."

Another nod. Encouraged, she went on. "The others are trapped at the dig site, so we should split up. Both of you take Tao to the others," she said.

Melnik frowned immediately. "That's suicide and you know it," he blurted. "They're under fire, what use are we to them dragging a dead man around."

Ryder sliced the air between them with a chopping motion. Melnik's teeth clacked together. "I will distract them. You are taking Tao because I need the Mako for a distraction. Your job, once you rendezvous with the others, is to get your ass to the shuttle."

A shuttle meant an escape route. A shuttle meant survival. A shuttle meant an out from this nightmare.

Amir bit his lip and glanced at Melnik. He didn't say anything, his mind turning her plans back and forth in his head. Ryder bulldozed on. "Once the distress beacon is launched, all we have to do is to wait. Hephaestus will send help. They can't ignore that."

Amir nodded, looking somewhat more hopeful. Melnik wasn't convinced. "So say we somehow do all this, we're just sitting ducks up there. What if Cerberus have a frigate up there? The shuttle has no weapons."

"True, I don't know if they have more forces up there. But I will be turning our anti-air defence back on. Once armed, it would recognise the shuttle as a friendly via the IFF. Theirs, well… you know how well those AA guns work," she grinned, all teeth.

Melnik swallowed, his gaze wavering. Amir watched them. Then a groan cut through the tension. _Tao!_ Ryder struggled to turn around in her seat.

"Knuckle heads, listen to her. Without control to the base defence it's only a matter of time we get overwhelmed," he gasped. "But one thing though…"

"What?" she asked, hoping Tao has a magic Alliance summoning button hidden up his ass.

"Leave me behind. I'm a dead man. You will work faster without dragging me around," he said, his voice surprisingly steady for what he was suggesting they do.

Protests were issued from all corners, but Amir was the loudest. "I didn't just give you all my medi-gel to let you die here! You're coming with us whether you want to or not!"

His words cut through any objections Tao might have had. Everyone else was stunned into silence. Tao blinked at her. "Our boy has spouted wings while I wasn't looking," he muttered, not unhappily.

* * *

Tao grunted as Amir helped him out of the Mako. His knees buckled, unable to take his own weight. Amir's arms strained as he hoisted Tao onto his back in a fireman's carry. Tao's face paled from the pressure against his torso. "Gently," he groaned.

Amir snorted as he adjusted his grip. Melnik had his rifle out and ready. Ryder looked out at them. "You know what to do," she said, holding both Melnik's and Amir's gaze in turn.

They nodded. "Give them hell, Ryder," Melnik said. "You're not so bad after all."

Ryder frowned and desperately wished she could punch Melnik but she settled a good hard glare. "Do your job and I'll do mine. Wait for the signal."

"What is the signal?" Amir asked.

Melnik laughed. It didn't reach his eyes. His voice was starting to take on a fatalistic tone. "When things go boom," he said, his eyes flicking up to meet hers. They exchanged a look. Ryder didn't know what he saw in hers but whatever he saw made him sober up. "See you on the other side," he said, putting jokes aside.

Amir nodded earnestly. "We won't leave without you."

Ryder nodded. She had no intention to die on Janus. _This isn't where my story ends. I'm not fucking done._ Her jaw clenched and she barked, "Go, you don't want to be here when the explosions start."

She sat and watched them go, keeping her shaking hands out of their sight. They were all counting on her. She had to get this done and done right. As their backs receded, her lip trembled and she clamped the teeth down hard on them. _No. I am an Alliance soldier, I will do my job. Lives are counting on me._

She summoned the frayed ends of her courage and roared as loudly as she dared like a crazy person. But it made her feel a little better. Turning her thoughts to her own problems, Ryder tapped her finger on the steering wheel. She needed something flashy. Right now, she had the Mako, the standard issue number of heat sinks, omni-grenades and that's it.

 _But there is the armoury… if it isn't compromised._

Ryder squeezed her eyes shut and tried to picture the layout of the base. She traced the route she had to take in her mind. The control room and the armoury were both the most secure rooms on base. While the control room was situated smacked in the middle of the base, the armoury was underground.

She pursed her lips and hummed. Tapping her omni-tool she brought up the blueprints of the base. Her fingers traced the available alternative routes. _It's do-able._

* * *

Ryder stared at the omni-grenades in her hands and questioned her sanity. The Mako had a drive core like the Sinon, just much, much smaller. She remembered the white heat of the Sinon's burning drive core. The Mako would burn just as hot and nicely for her little diversion. She pried the panel between the two front seats opened. The tennis ball sized drive core was humming away happily.

"Fuck it."

Taking a deep breath, she dropped all but one of her omni-grenades into the space. The humming grew louder. Forcing herself to stop looking at it out of her peripheral vision, she focused on the target. Right outside the main blast doors, leading into the base, were three Makos. All of them marked with Cerberus' colours. That wasn't the important part, what was vital were the ten or so Cerberus' soldiers hanging out next to them. As a target, they looked very appealing. Plus this was in the opposite direction from where Melnik, Amir and Tao were heading in.

Decision made, Ryder floored the pedal and the engine revved as the wheel fought to find purchase. When it did, the Mako lurched into motion. She had to time it right. Too soon, the Mako would blow up before it actually reached her target. Too late, she wouldn't be able to get clear of the blast zone.

1000m.

The Cerberus soldiers perked up at the roar of the Mako.

500m.

Ryder could make out one gesturing frantically in her direction while speaking into his comms. The others were arming themselves. She grinned. It was working.

250m.

Bullets started plinking against the Mako. The shield shimmered but held. That was her cue to go. She wedged Tao's rifle onto the pedal to pin it down.

200m.

Her left forearm pressed against the steering wheel with enough pressure to make sure it wouldn't shift. In her hand was the last omni-grenade, unactivated.

100m.

Her right hand threw the door open. The ground was whizzing past her at an alarming rate. Ryder gulped.

50m.

The shield fizzled and died. Two seconds later, the windscreen shattered. Shards sprayed over her face and torso. If a piece of glass made it through the heavy weave between her ceramic plates, she didn't feel it. She sank lower into the seat, taking cover from the hail of fire.

25m.

This was it. She looked at the ground. The Mako was going fast. Her stomach did a flop as her eyes darted to gauge the distance. Taking a deep breath, she didn't allow herself to hesitate. Thumbing the activation button on the omni-grenade she was holding, she tossed it in with the rest.

Ryder tossed herself out of the Mako. Curling into a ball, she pulled a Barrier over herself. The ground was close and then it was in her face. She landed with an impact that drove all air from her lungs. Despite the armour, the Barrier, it still hurt. Her ribs protested loudly at the abuse. She rolled, over sand, over rocks both big and small. Thankfully, the motion was too quick for her to register the need to throw up.

Her arms she had over her head were throw wide. Fingers dug into the ground to slow herself, but it was a futile gesture. Eventually Ryder slammed into a rock too large to roll over. Pain seared her side. She only allowed herself a moment to catch her breath before she got to her hands and knees. They trembled but held. Panting, she lifted her head to see if her plan worked.

Cerberus soldiers were trying to flee the Mako's plow into their ranks. Some were already in their vehicles, trying to drive them out of the way. Then, her eyes caught the flash. A small spark ignited a conflagration. It consumed the Mako, cracking, splintering. Then the sound came. A deep roar as the blast ripped the Mako apart catching humans and vehicles alike. The concussive force rippled out from the epicentre. As far away as Ryder was, it crashed into her like a tidal wave. The force pushed her onto her back. There was no way she could rise even if she tried, but as quickly as the force came, it blew over.

The screams came next. They were loud, high pitched and gut wrenching. It rang out across the barren landscape. Janus didn't care.

Ryder struggled to her feet, her side protesting, but she paid it no heed. The screams were petering out as flames burnt throats and ruined vocal cords. She clenched her jaw and started moving. She had to be gone before anyone else came to see what had happened.

* * *

A low grade frustration had been boiling in her chest since she crawled into the ducts. It was a tight fit for her in her armour. Every motion jarred her ribs. Ryder was convinced they were bruised, if not out right broken. Having de-activated her medi-gel protocol to conserve the precious resource, Ryder had to just grit and bear with it.

Slowly, she raised her left leg towards her chest to inch herself forward, then the right. Her hands reached forward, careful not to grip the surface of the duct. _Quiet, careful, stealthy like a ninja._

Her suit's filters and environment controls was either damaged from the tumble out of the Mako or the ducts just didn't have enough cool air to keep her at a comfortable temperature. Ryder could feel the sweat beading all along her forehead, and soaking her back and chest. Her breath was fogging up her visor from the inside. "Fuck this shit," she growled.

Eventually she got to a junction of sorts. Tapping on her omni-tool she pulled up the blueprints again. Her face was bathed in a wash of orange. Eyes scanning the information to make sure she was still going in the correct direction. "Almost there," she muttered to herself and moved towards her left.

As she headed towards the grate she was looking for, her omni-tool buzzed. She had been waiting, praying and begging for it since she launched herself out the Mako. Glancing down, the message was still on the display. There was just a smiley face.

"Good job," Ryder muttered, grinning.

As inane and stupid as the signal was, a cool wash of relief came over her. _Good, they met up with Kovács. Now I've got to do my part._

With her bare finger tips, she pried the grate loose carefully. Cool air swept into the ducts, it cleared her fogged-up visor a little. It allowed her to peer down the corridor. She couldn't see anyone but the clomp of military grade armour moving was hard to miss. Holding her breath, she counted. Footsteps were nearing. It didn't take long for a soldier clad in Cerberus colours to pass right under the grate. She could hear another pair of boots somewhere beyond her field of vision.

 _Two, I can deal with two. Easy-peasy._

But the thudding of her heart against her chest gave lie to her words. Ryder reached backwards to grab her rifle but the duct was too narrow and her elbow connected with the side. There was a resounding bang. The noise travelled down the length of the duct. She winced and held her breath. Her heartbeat was loud in her ears. The footsteps stopped in the wake of her blunder. She shifted her hand back towards her front, aborting the disastrous idea and waited.

Footsteps thumped back towards her grate. One of the soldiers hovered just within the edge of her limited field of vision. She could make out hand signals directed at the other soldier.

 _It's just two. Come on, this isn't your first fight. You didn't enlist to hide from one._

"Just take one more step," Ryder begged.

The flick of a rifle's safety catch was loud. The soldier took one step towards her and Ryder swung into action.

Pulling at her core, she increased her mass. The duct groaned at the weight, bending and buckling. Eventually it gave way. She fell, but she was ready. Her omni-blade buzzed to life. The falling duct took the soldier she couldn't see out. The one in front of her hesitated for a moment. That was all she needed.

Ryder didn't bother getting to her feet. Instead she rolled to her knees and surged upwards with her omni-blade extended. The blade aimed directly at the seam between thigh and groin.

A high pitched scream rang out, it didn't clarify the gender of her enemy, but it didn't really matter. Ryder wasted no time, she needed them to stop being noisy. Yanking at the pistol at the soldier's hip, she fired it twice into their head at close range. Blood sprayed out the back of the helmet as the visor shattered. The soldier crumpled like a sack of sand.

She straightened and hissed, pressing a hand at her ribs. She needed to head to the armoury and get stocked up on some heat sinks and omni-grenades.

A shot rang out, taking her by surprise. Her shields shimmered and failed as pain flashed across her chest.

"Wha-"

The medical panel in her visor flashed red indicating a wound warranting immediate administering of medi-gel. _Why the fuck did I de-activate the medi-gel dispenser?_

She spun as if dancing, arms wide almost in a welcoming hug. Her eyes snagged on the soldier whom she thought was neutralised. The rifle's muzzle hovered unsteadily, pointed in her direction.

"Die," the soldier rasped as his finger tightened over the trigger.

The shot rang out, missing her by sheer luck. The pain was darkening Ryder's vision. All she could think to do was to get away but her legs were not cooperating. If she couldn't get away, the Cerberus soldier had to go.

 _Go away!_

With a cry, her hand flashed outwards, blue flames running the length of her arm. Ryder Pushed the guard. There was no control, it was just a primal instinct to protect herself. The soldier was flung back, taking pieces of ducts and all. She didn't know how much force she used, she didn't care. The sickening crunch was loud as human met wall.

She squeezed her eyes shut, but a wave of vertigo floored her. Knees and hands slammed onto the floor. She hissed, her hands seeking, her eyes searching for the site where the pain was the worst. The searing pain was rapidly turning numb. Blood was leaking from the hole just under her rib cage. The bullet had punched through the ceramic plate there. Her hands searching an exit wound on her back but there was none.

 _That's not good._

Wincing, she pressed against the hole. The slight pressure turned her vision all white. Giving up on putting pressure on the wound, her bloody hands fumbled at her omni-tool. Everything was slippery, making it hard to get to the correct panel.

 _Fuck, what a stupid idea. Conserve medi-gel? Get yourself killed more like._

Her swipes took on a panicked edge as she struggled to remember where the setting was.

 _Imagine the headlines. System Alliance Corporal too stupid to keep herself alive, fails at her mission. Everyone dies._

Ryder let out a cry of frustration. Pain, not fear at least that was what she told herself, forced tears to well up in her eyes. Her breaths got faster as more blood smeared across the display.

 _I refuse to die this way, it's just too fucking embarrassing._

The moment she found the right panel and tapped on the activation button, the injector dispensed medi-gel directly into her blood stream. It flooded her body and her muscles relaxed. How she wished she could stay still and just rest. But she had work to do. With a grunt, she levered herself upright and staggered towards the armoury.

Grimly, she grabbed a duffle and started loading it up with ammunition and all manner of items that made things go boom. Ryder grimaced as she heaved the strap onto her shoulder. Hands were tight on her Avenger, spare heat sinks rattling in her utility belt.

"Next stop, the control room."


	10. A Way Out

Chapter 10 - A Way Out

Tao's head was tilted at an angle as he leant against the wall. It was too much trouble and effort to straighten his neck. There wasn't one particular spot that hurt more than the others. He was all one large throbbing, numb mess. He couldn't decide if this was good or bad. So he opted to ignore it.

The whispered mutterings between the three youngest and lowest ranked members of their squad was disconcerting at best. His eyes drifted over to the surviving archaeologists. There were a few missing faces. Tao sighed.

 _They must be cursing their luck. They got the find of Janus and now Cerberus is here._

Then it hit him. Cerberus must be here for whatever they had found. With a groan, Tao righted his neck. "Hey," he rasped. "Where is the Prothean artifact?"

Nobody heard him. The three knuckleheads were still mumbling amongst themselves while the archaeologists sat around shellshocked and frightened. Props to Kovács for getting as many as he did.

 _But can the kids just pay attention to the old man?_

Tao cleared his throat and tried again. "Hey!"

No response. Nobody even deigned to look in his direction and he was the dying man. This was unacceptable. His fingers reached out towards his side and he found a ration bar. With a grunt, he lifted it and tossed at them. It fell with a slap against the floor. Kovács looked up and saw the ration bar.

"Hey."

"Tao? Do you need more medi-gel?" he asked hurrying over.

Tao wanted so much to roll his eyes but he couldn't muster the energy to do so. Kovács knelt down beside him, blue eyes staring at the bloody patch over his undersuit. Tao groaned and pulled Kovács' arm. They shifted up to his face. Tao could tell those baby blue eyes had seen too much that day. But he had more urgent things to attend to than to coddle them. They were all soldiers for fuck's sake. "Are they after the artifact?" Tao croaked.

Kovács paused, his eyes turned inward as he thought about it. "I think so. Their men swept through the base obviously looking for something. There is nothing of interest here. The artifact is the only thing that makes sense."

Melnik came over, leaving Amir to keep an eye on the door. It was the only barrier that separated them from clinging onto hope or resigning themselves to certain death. It had been quiet for a while, Tao was sure Cerberus was regrouping for another fresh round of hacking and bombardment on the door. He pulled his attention back to Kovács and Melnik. Both of them were staring at him, as if waiting for him to stand up and lead them to victory. Tao was going nowhere fast, except maybe to meet his maker. _Damnit, sorry Ryan. I didn't mean for this to happen._

"Where is it?" Tao asked instead.

Melnik glanced at Kovács. He shrugged. Tao sighed and looked at the anxious archaeologists pointedly. Melnik catching on, quickly went over to ask. Kovács remained at his side, his right hand rubbing the left over and over in a nervous tick. His eyes flickered towards and away from Tao's face.

He could read the signs. _It's no more fun and games, playing at war. This is real, people will die. They have died._ Kovács was a boy suddenly realising the realities of being a soldier. Melniks and Amir were no different.

"Where's Sagh?" Tao asked.

It was a redundant question. The fact Sagh wasn't here and Kovács made no mention of him made Tao think the worse had happened.

Kovács' brow furrowed. His jaw clenched. "He decided to make a dash to the Control room."

"When?"

"Just after we got the civilians here," he said, gesturing at the lab. they were holed up in "He didn't think we should wait. Sagh wasn't sure if any of you were going to actually make it."

Tao nodded. Under similar conditions, he would have made the same call, but they were outnumbered and outgunned. But going alone… He yanked his thoughts back and reached out towards Kovács. The boy caught his slightly trembling hand in his. "Tao," he said, biting his lip, his hand squeezed Tao's.

"What is it?"

Kovács scooted nearer and dropped his voice. "Do you think we should say our goodbyes?" His voice broke at the last word.

He winced and took a deep breath. Shoring up his own walls, he put on a strong face, albeit pale from blood loss. "Have faith in our baby Corporal. She had faith in them," he jerked his chin towards Amir and Melnik, "to get me here. And they returned the favour by having faith in her. You didn't read her dossier like I did. She can do it. She will get access to the control room, she will turn on the turrets and the AA guns. Then we're get our asses off Janus for good."

It was part pep talk, part keeping Kovács from falling apart. But the words rang hollow to his ears. However, Kovács nodded, taking a shuddering breath to calm his nerves. His hands stopped fidgeting, his gaze steadier.

Tao hadn't read Ryder's dossier. It would have been a breach of protocol. Ishida just told him in broad strokes what she did in her previous assignments. She was a good soldier that handled being under pressure well. That's it. She was no miracle soldier, she was no young Commander Shepard. She was just a regular grunt just like any one of them, younger than most corporals. Maybe she leant on the Ryder name and got her rank that way, maybe not. The only concrete advantage Ryder had was being a biotic. But Tao knew, even that had its limits. He had seen what those limits were first hand. He squeezed his eyes shut as the faces of his dead friends flashed before his eyes.

Melnik returned. "The artifact is secured. There is no way I'm going to let Cerberus get their filthy hands on it," he promised.

He wasn't thinking about keeping it from Cerberus but using it as a bargaining chip for their lives. _Ryan, I promise I'll fight like hell to come home. Then it will be done. I'm done with the Alliance._

All their omni-tools buzzed. Tao didn't bother checking it. Amir piped up. "It's Ryder. She got into the control room."

* * *

Everything was deactivated and locked out as part of protocol when Ryder staggered through the reinforced doors. She was on her last legs and she knew it. Still, she had to be careful. There was no telling if there was a Cerberus soldier playing dead, waiting for her to unlock the terminal before striking. But two steps into the control room, Ryder saw Sagh. Limp, lying on his chest but his head was facing her at an impossible angle. She gritted her teeth and averted her eyes.

He had put up a big fight, blood and shrapnel peppered the walls. As much as Ryder wanted to get Sagh's tags, lay him in a more dignified position, she had a more important job. She panted, limbs trembling, as she staggered to her customary chair. With all the power of a boneless sack of potatos, she collapsed onto it. Pain flared over her body. The medi-panel on her visor flashed red. She grunted and dismissed it with a flick of her finger. She didn't need the panel to tell her she was in trouble. Her hands fumbled for another pack of medi-gel but found the pouch on her utility belt empty.

 _Fuck._

Ryder had handed her spares to Amir for Tao. She pushed herself upright, grimacing through clenched teeth. Limbs were heavy like lead as she fought her body's protests, Ryder pulled at the drawers at her table. Her first couple of attempts just revealed datapads and more datapads. On her third try, she struck gold.

"Yes," she sighed as she inserted the medi-gel into the dispenser and slid it shut.

Cool relief brought her a little more time. Now that she wasn't actively bleeding out, Ryder turned her attention to the terminal. Her stomach growled, making its needs known. "Yes, yes," she growled.

Ryder popped the buckles of her helmet. Without ceremony, she tossed the blood splattered, shattered visor specimen of a helmet onto her desk, clattering to the ground. It landed on the rounded end and rolled off the desk. Ryder ignored it. It was too damaged to give her any protection anyway. Her eyes traced the crack that ran from her visor to the back of the helmet.

 _No more taking concussive shots to the face anymore._

The terminal chimed and prompted for her password. The Cerberus tech who was lying dead at her feet had tried unsuccessfully to hack her terminal. "Thank fuck, our systems got an upgrade."

Scanning her omni-tool and then inputting her password gave her access to the vital defences the base had. As she navigated the panels, smearing blood across the screen, the door shuddered as something impacted against it.

Ryder flinched, her hand tightened on the pistol she was holding in her left hand, while her right hand never stopped its work. _I just need a moment longer. Please._

It took just a couple of taps and the multiple screens she had been using to monitor the base flickered to life. Her eyes picked out the one that showed her what was happening outside her door. There was no less than ten Cerberus soldiers outside. And one of them was lugging a rocket launcher.

"Shit."

Yanking her attention back to the terminal, Ryder scanned for the panel she was looking for. "Where is it?" she hissed, rubbing her temples with her hand. Shaking her head, she squinted, vision swimming, her hands trembling.

"Yes!"

With a triumphant grin stretching the corners of her mouth, Ryder tapped on the activation button. She watched with almost perverse pleasure as turrets, silver and gleaming, unfolded themselves. There was a pair of them right outside the control room. It was almost like watching a full colour silent film of the 19th century. Soldiers clad in black, white and yellow screaming noiselessly, diving for cover. But the turrets were relentless, its aim unerring and bullets sliced through tech shields to reach the human flesh within. Half of their number were mowed down on the first pass. The second pass took half the survivors again.

Ryder smirked, grim satisfaction washed over her as blood coated the floor. Shattered armour, broken visors, holes punched into flesh and bone. She turned her attention to the AA guns. That panel was easier to locate. With a single push, a shudder and whine ran through the entire base. The giant guns mounted at the roof whirled to life. The hum was reassuring. It was like having the eyes of a hawk aimed at the sky, making it was safe for them.

The guns might not have the range to reach any ships in orbit, but any shuttle hovering in the upper atmosphere was fair game. The shuttle likewise couldn't do inter-planetary travel. It didn't have the power to escape Janus' gravity well. But there in the in-between zone, the sweet spot in the upper atmosphere that it would be safe from Cerberus.

 _Now all they got to do is to haul ass to the shuttle and get the fuck out of here._

Ryder frowned. How long was the shuttle going to last this way? Technically as long as they had oxygen, it wouldn't matter. But oxygen on a shuttle wasn't infinite. Walker said 24 hours. He would do something if they failed to check in right? How long would it take for Hephaestus to figure out something was wrong?

Doubts and questions swirled in Ryder's mind. She didn't know if she was going into shock and she was paranoid or these were legitimate concerns. There was one more thing she could do. Her fingers swiped through the panels and she found what she was looking for - the distress beacon.

 _It's a fucking long shot, but long shots are all I've got._

Ryder stared at the button. One push, she might be leading more lambs to slaughter. Her career was, without a doubt, over. She had disobeyed a direct order and questioned her commanding officer. Her eyes drifted to Sagh. He fought to his last breath. Squeezing her eyes shut, Ishida's stark starring eyes and Garcia's pale face flashed before her mind. Ryder flinched. The others had to get out of here, she didn't want to take any more chances with them. The distress beacon would be the backup plan.

 _So what if Sara Ryder is nothing but a biotic freak, I will not see anymore of my squad dead. I'm the ranking NCO, they are my responsibility.._

It was just a simple push. Somewhere in the base the beacon launched with a boom. She could relax now. Her work was done. Ryder slumped back against her chair. Her body had more holes than she first left this room mere hours ago.

 _Is it really the same day?_

Her eyes drooped, pain, fatigue and blood loss convincing her to take a nap. Muscles no longer held at the ready, her grip on her pistol loosened and it clattered to the floor. Ryder couldn't summon the strength to care. Her head lolled to one side and her eyes slipped shut.

* * *

"She did it!" Kovács exclaimed, "Our baby Corporal really did it. Tao, you are right."

His voice high pitched, filled with relief. Tears were standing in his eyes. The archaeologists were raising their feet, eager for news. "What is going on?" one asked.

Amir tried his best to explain the situation. Tao watched on. _Dare I hope?_ A shudder ran through his body forcing him to reconsider the tiny kindling of optimism. He had never felt colder in his life. Tao knew what that usually meant. He pushed it out of his mind, there was nothing anyone could do about it, not now anyway.

 _Activate turrets, checked. Activate AA guns, checked. Next up, getting to the shuttle and launching._

Tao couldn't think of a better plan on short notice. However the next step hinged on the ability of the three able-bodied soldiers to get all the civilians calmly to the shuttle.

 _All hell will break loose if we face anything more than a token resistance._

Even though they heard nothing outside the lab, other than a couple of stray shots, it served as a reminder that Cerberus wasn't about to give up. Tao licked his chapped lips. The next step in the plan was clear, but it was a tall order. The civilians were in varying states of anxiety, ranging from nailing biting worried to full on crying and panicking. Herding them was hard enough let alone doing it without intel of any kind.

 _We need Ryder and her eyes on the camera feed. Only she can guide us through safely._

He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. That meant one thing - Ryder wouldn't be on the shuttle.

 _Is this the man I am? I'm asking her to throw her life away for me, for us._

Tao's eyes darted between the civilians and the others. His jaw tightened. Melnik was stabbing at his omni-tool. "Ryder, Corporal Ryder, come in," he called, his voice taking on a frantic edge.

Tao waited, worry was a boulder on his chest. Silence, there was nothing but silence on the other end. Ryder wasn't accepting the call.

"Keep trying, we need her," Tao said, his face grim.

* * *

There was an incessant buzzing sound. It was irritating Ryder to no end, but it wasn't enough to make her want to open her eyes.

"Shut up," she hissed, stubbornly keeping her eyes shut. "I've earned some rest."

The buzzing was not to be deterred. She groaned as she peeled her eyes open. It was her omni-tool buzzing. Then she jerked upright hissing, her body waking up all the aches and pain. She gasped, her right side in particular was screaming. Her chest was tight, breathing hard. Ryder forced herself to take shallow breaths to keep the pain from blurring her vision.

The buzzing started again. Ryder stabbed at her omni-tool.

"Ryder!" the voice came through.

She grunted, too breathless to speak. "Are you there? Corporal! Shit, she's not answering. What if…"

"Fuck, Kovács. I'm not dead."

"Sorry, ma'am. I just…" Kovács stammered.

"Ryder," another voice cut in.

"Yeah, Melnik? You all made it ok?" she asked.

"Yes, your distraction was first class."

Ryder snorted. Amused, that they found an understanding under such circumstances. "How's Tao?"

"Still breathing," Tao replied, his voice dry and wan.

"Good," she replied, her heart finally lifting for the first time the entire day. "Hang in there, old man."

"I'm not old, that's Garcia," Tao retorted instinctively, then he froze for a second. Nobody didn't have a ready retort. Tao sighed. The sound was heavy and fraught.

She squeezed her eyes shut, she was simply spent but she asked, "What do you need me to do?"

"We need you to keep an eye on the cameras. Guide us through to the shuttle," Melnik said.

Ryder knew what he was asking. They knew it too. It was clear in the plea. She never held any illusions of getting off Janus, at least not in that shuttle. _Hope for the best, plan for the worse huh?_ She intended to hang on and hold out hope for a rescue. She clenched her jaw and took a deep breath. "Give me a second."

* * *

Ryder longed for a drink of water but there was none at hand. She made do with the dregs of Ishida's cold coffee. She grimaced at the bitter taste. _It had better not be an omen for things to come._ She forced herself to concentrate as her eyes scanned the screens.

In one she could see the burning wreckage of the Mako she crashed, in another she could see hints of movement right outside the control room. Ryder paid them no heed. She had a whole bunch of people to guide to safety. One chance was all she got to get this right. Ryder pulled up the blueprints on her omni-tool and glanced between it and the screens, mentally plotting the fastest route to the shuttle bay. Ryder checked and double checked the camera feed. There was no better chance. Cerberus were regrouping. The coast was clear.

Her eyes flickered to the screen showing her charges. Melnik, Amir, Kovács and Tao, along with a whole bunch of civilians were counting on her. Ryder would have cracked her knuckles if the motion didn't send waves of agony through her body.

"Let's get started," she said.

"All right," Melnik replied.

In the background, Ryder could hear the others giving commands to the civilians. "You are in charge of your group of four here. Just move fast and you will be fine. I will be covering the rear," Kovács' voice drifted over.

Groups of four civilians with Melnik taking the lead, followed by Amir carrying Tao and Kovács covered the rear. That was the best they could manage. Her eyes caught sight of the case that contained Prothean artifact in the hands of one of the archaeologists. That was the prize.

 _Whatever that is, it better be worth all the fucking deaths._

"Go! Directly north into the lab," she barked.

Men and women moving as quickly and quietly as they could. Melnik had his rifle out, scanning for movement. She counted heads they raced past the cameras. When Kovács made it to safety, she let out the breath she didn't know she was holding.

 _All right, one down, a million fucking more to go._

Consulting her blueprint and cameras once more, she said, "Take the left at the junction. There is another lab at the end, enter it."

Melnik took off again. "I hope we can do this," he muttered under his breath.

"We will," Ryder replied.


	11. Out of Luck

Chapter 11 - Out of Luck

How could their luck hold? It was naive to think so. Still, like a fool, Ryder clung onto hope. It was dashed like everything else that day, that long fucking day.

"Shit," she cursed as she checked the camera feed to the shuttle hanger.

"What?" Melnik asked, breathless from all the running and hiding she had them do. "The shuttle hanger _just_ is there."

He shot a look at the camera. Ryder could feel him staring straight at her. She ran a shaky hand through her perspiration sleeked hair. Her usual neat and tidy ponytail now loose and messy. Her gauntlets had went the way of her helmet — on the floor. There was another detonation against the control room's reinforced doors and she flinched.

Ryder hadn't told them. Her time was running out as well. The turrets outside fired another volley of bullets. Cerberus was knocking at her door with grenades and they weren't taking "go away" as an answer. No matter how reinforced the doors were, they would eventually caved.

Her left hand tightened over her pistol while her right twitched towards the Avenger rifle holstered on her back. Her remaining heat sinks and omni-grenades were all arrayed before her. There weren't many but she would had to make do. Grimly, Ryder ripped the ration bar, she found in the drawer, open with her teeth. She needed the calories. She swallowed more than just the ration bar but her frustration and fear. Ryder glanced back at the screen and met Melnik's eyes, though he wouldn't be able to see it. "You've got company," she said.

"What, in there?" he asked, apprehension creeping back into his voice.

"I think they have guessed our plans."

"Shit," Melnik cursed.

Ryder snorted and here she thought they were lucky, managing to avoid Cerberus soldiers. She hadn't learned. It wasn't luck, it was just another ambush. They were so damn fucking close. She gritted her teeth. Whoever was in charge had banked on them running into the ambush without a thought.

She frowned. The turrets were active but they were silent. Ryder enlarged the feed to spread across all the screens. There was no doubt about it. The turrets rotated through their field of fire but Cerberus soldiers weren't mindful of them in the slightest.

 _They have hacked our fucking turrets._

"Damn it." She slammed her fist down on her desk, ignoring the pain. "Can't we get a break?"

"What is it?" Melnik asked, trepidation made his voice quiver.

Ryder sighed.

"It's more bad news isn't it?" Melnik whispered.

"This day has nothing but bad news," she growled. "They have hacked the turrets."

All she heard was a sharp intake of breath on the other end. His breathing was harsh as he processed the news. It felt like things couldn't get any worse but the universe just took joy in proving her wrong. "We can't just go in like this," Melnik gasped, "we'll just get mowed down. "

Ryder nodded, again another gesture nobody saw. "No, you can't. Pass the word to the others," she said. "I need to figure this out."

 _It will be a massacre if they go in._

There must be something she could do. Her eyes scanned the video feed but she saw nothing she could exploit. "No!" she growled, refusing to just roll over and die. "We're so fucking close!"

 _Is there nothing? Really, nothing?_

Ryder blinked. Her hands swiped through her terminal, searching for Janus base defence control panels. "If I can activate the turrets, I can fucking disable it," she said.

Her fingers faltered when she reached the panel. The turrets controls were locked in base-wide. She couldn't disable the turrets section by section. It was all or nothing.

The turrets outside her door barked as it fired another barrage of bullets. Ryder bit her lip. Her eyes flicked between the control room's door and the others on the screen. She cursed at the high resolution feeds. The wide eyed fear on the archaeologists, the glint of hope in Kovács' and Amir's eyes and the grim and stubborn set of Tao's jaw. Finally Melnik spoke up. "Corporal, is there anything you can do?"

 _They don't need very long. The fucking doors are reinforced. It will hold._

Ryder looked at the button again. Taking a deep breath, her hand tightening further over her pistol as another barrage came from the turrets.

"Yeah, there is," she said. "Here's what I'll do…"

* * *

Tao didn't know what to make of the plan. Ryder was cagey about the details. All she told them was to get ready. There was no getting ready for him. He was in no position to help clear the shuttle hanger. The others were shedding unneeded equipment and supplies.

"Put me facing the door and a pistol in my hand," Tao said.

Melnik nodded. Neither spoke why this was necessary. Words weren't needed. "Is this ok?" he asked.

Tao nodded, sighing as Melnik leaned him against a crate shifted into position for this purpose. He had a clear view of the door. It's the perfect spot to shoot at anyone coming in, it was also the perfect spot to be shot. Tao's jaw twitched, if it came down to him, well he would rather go out taking down those assholes. Melnik looked at him. "Are you sure you can pull the trigger?" Doubt dripping from his voice.

Tao popped the heat sink and dry fired the pistol. The pistol clicked and Melnik flinched. "My finger works just fine," he retorted, putting the heatsink back. "Leave me one omni-grenade."

"But…" Melnik made to protest.

"Just in case," he interrupted.

Their eyes met for a moment and Melnik looked away, as if afraid of what he saw in there. Melnik unhooked one and handed it over silently. Wincing, Tao shifted into a more comfortable position. He tapped on his omni-tool, putting a call across to Ryder.

"Baby Corporal," Tao greeted as Ryder accepted the call.

"Tao," she replied, sounding strangely breathless. "I think after today, I'm not a baby any more."

"True. You good?"

"Been better," she huffed.

"Tell me about it," Tao snorted before sobering up. "Are you doing something stupid?"

The silence in the wake of his question was loud. "Define stupid," she replied after a long pause.

"Don't deflect, Ryder. Melnik had close to no details on what you're going to do," he retorted. "Saying trust me isn't going to cut it for me."

"Tao, what the hell do you want me to say? It is stupid, but it's the right thing to do."

Tao could hear the bark of the turrets firing on the other end of the call. "I hear you've got some stubborn house guests."

"Cockroaches, the lot," Ryder laughed. "You have a bunch too."

"So what are you doing about it?"

A hiss of pain came through the comms then more silence. "There are about ten Cerberus fuckers waiting for them inside and the turrets have been hacked," Ryder said.

"Shit."

"That's right. It's impossible to take the hanger this way," Ryder went on.

"And you're still asking them to go in?"

"Tao, do I seem that stupid?" Ryder asked pointedly.

"No, but…" Tao's voice trailed off. "What can you do? They got the turrets."

Ryder sighed, a sound so heavy Tao could feel the weight of it. "I'm going to disable them. I'll unlock that door and lock yours. They can start with a volley of omni-grenades. Covering fire while they work their way in. Cerberus would be expecting the turrets to mow our guys down, and that's when I'll disable them. Then, well… it's up to them. I can't do anything from here."

Tao's mouth hung open. What Ryder was suggesting was tantamount to suicide. "Ryder…"

She sighed again, more shuffling sounds and the unmistakeable sound of a heat sink being loaded into a pistol. "I don't think I'll make the shuttle anyway," she said, chuckling a little.

Asking her if she was sure was just a sign of disrespect. Of course she had thought it through. Ryder was nobody's fool. She chose to do what's good for the most number of people. And she just ended up on the other side of the line. Tao licked his lips and cleared his throat. "Hang in there, someone over at Hephaestus will pick up on the distress beacon. Then Walker has got to send back up."

Ryder snorted, it sounded wet and thin. Tao waited as the sound faded. "I'll not hold my breath for that," she said. "I'm not worried about me. Once you launch you all are on a clock. THere is only so much air in the shuttle. And coming back down is probably a very bad idea."

"Don't remind me," Tao growled.

Kovács waved his hand to get Tao's attention. He jerked his head up and saw they were all ready and waiting. Melnik was speaking to one of the archaeologists, leaving the case that held the Prothean artifact with them. Before Tao could speak, Ryder said, "It's showtime, Tao."

"See you in a bit." Kovács said.

Tao nodded once. "Stay safe."

He turned his head to look directly at the security camera, sure that Ryder was looking right back at him. "Give them hell," he said.

"I will, I will…" Ryder whispered.

* * *

It started with a bang and things were going smoothly. Ryder kept her attention split between what was going on outside the control room and what's happening at the hanger. She had never felt more useless. The door was unlocked, the turrets down. There was nothing more she could do, other than to watch it all unfold. Amir and Melnik were pinned down by a sniper perched right on top of the shuttle they needed. Ryder could see how the doors on the shuttle was all black and singed. Cerberus didn't waste time waiting for them to show up. She prayed that they weren't successful in disabling the shuttle as well.

Kovács tried to flank the sniper. With Amir and Melnik providing covering fire, he just might make it. Melnik cursed as he fumbled for another heat sink. Amir popped up and fired haphazardly at the sniper. Kovács was close. He just needed to get into position.

Ryder gritted her teeth. "Patience, don't rush this," she muttered under her breath.

Having a multi-angle view of this fight was doing her no favours. As much coaching and help she could provide, they had to do it on their own. Ryder's fingers twitched. How she ached to just Pull the sniper off his perch.

Movement flashed from another screen. "Get down!" she shouted.

Amir couldn't hear her over the gunfire. A volley of bullets came from the side. In the process of providing covering fire, Amir and Melnik didn't pay attention and got flanked themselves. The bullet shredded through Amir's arm and shoulder. Clear cries of pain echoed through the hanger. Melnik grabbed Amir and pulled him back behind cover.

"It hurts, it fucking hurts," Amir hissed.

Ryder clenched her jaw and said nothing. She kept her eye on screens. Cerberus wanted to drag them into a battle of attrition. It was one they couldn't win. "Melnik, you can't let this drag on too long. You can't win," she said.

"I know!" he growled, popping up to fire at the new group of enemies.

Ryder bit back her retort. It would do nobody any good to get into an argument now. She switched her attention to Amir instead. "Slap some medi-gel on it and you'll be fine," she barked, command ringing in her voice. "It hurts because you're still alive."

Amir groaned but shoved another medi-gel pack into his armour's dispenser. Ryder could see the moment the sweet numbness hitting his body. She looked on with jealousy. Her hand tightened around the last pack of medi-gel. _Got to make it last._ She winced as she shifted in her seat.

The turrets outside the control room had been silent for a while now, the lack of movement outside was making her antsy. Ryder had expected Cerberus to be launching missiles at the door the moment the turrets were disabled, but there had been nothing. A quick glance at the screen showed her nobody was out there. _Maybe they have re-routed the troops over to the hanger?_

Ryder couldn't trust her luck, not with the kind of day she was having. When her eyes shifted back towards the situation in the hanger, Kovács was in a tug of war with the sniper. Ryder's clenched her fists, her biotics spilling over and flaring in response to a fight she could do nothing but watch.

"Come on, Kovács!" she yelled, urging him on.

Melnik and Amir kept the other Cerberus soldiers busy. It was down to Kovács. He tussled and grappled. It was a struggle for survival. Ryder grimaced. The sniper rained punches down on his face. His neck snapped back with a violent force. Even with the helmet protecting his face, Ryder knew he would feel that tomorrow, if they had one.

"Just hit him," she growled.

"I'm trying," he retorted through gritted teeth, twisting his head out of the way. "Stop backseat fighting!"

A noise of utter frustration burst from her mouth. Kovács wrapped his legs around the sniper and wrenched. The Cerberus soldier was taken by surprise and lost his footing. He took the chance and drew his pistol and emptied it into sniper's chest. With a kick, the body slid off the roof of the shuttle. It fell with a resounding thump.

"Yes!" she exclaimed.

Kovács straightened in triumph. A boom from the other end of the hanger sliced through the air. She watched as he jerked once and fell backwards. Red splattering across the white exterior of the shuttle.

"No! Kovács!"

Melnik's and Amir's shouts joined hers. Kovács had survived, he came out on top. To strike him down in his moment of victory was just unfair. This couldn't be! Ryder clenched her fists, fighting the urge to punch the screen.

Melnik and Amir renewed their efforts, taking risks Ryder would have screamed at them for. She understood the fury they felt. It was coursing through her veins too. Red was all she saw, but she couldn't act on it.

Eventually. the gunfire died down. Ryder blinked. Melnik gasped, "Clear."

Amir's confirmation came a couple of seconds later. "Kovács?" she whispered.

Amir stepped over to the shuttle, his gait quick but as he neared he hesitated. Ryder enlarged the feed trying to see more, but Kovács had fallen into a blindspot. "Amir," she called, unable to put her question into words.

The dusky skinned soldier wandered back into frame. His eyes searched for Melnik. Ryder gritted her teeth. She knew. She could see it in the lines of Amir's shoulders, the set of his jaw and the tag in his hand. She buried her face in her hands.

"Fuck. Fuck this shit."

Amir stood with his head bowed, his hand pressed against his eyes. His shoulders shook as he sank to the ground. Melnik turned away, his hands clenched tight at his side.

Ryder took a shuddering breath. "You got to get out of here," she said.

Melnik straightened and looked at the camera for a long moment before turning to go without waiting. Amir asked, "What about you?"

The question was so innocent, so straight forward, it made her chest ached. "Amir," she said, "I'm not going."

His eyes widened. "No," his protest clear and firm. "This isn't right. The Alliance leaves nobody behind."

"You have to," Ryder forced the words past her lips. Her eyes glued on the screen showing her the view outside of the control room.

Cerberus' soldiers were lining up with explosives and a missile launcher. Ryder snorted, her luck had ran out. A Cerberus engineer scurried up against the door and started hacking it. She laughed harshly. The door was reinforced with multiple layers of security and the attempt only resulted in the engineer's omni-tool sparking out.

"No, Ryder, you have to try," Amir all but begged.

She clenched her teeth so hard it ached. "I can't!" she shouted. "I've more blood out of my body than in. I can barely breathe. I probably don't have long, not without proper medical help. I won't make it to the hanger. I have a fuck ton of Cerberus sitting outside of the control room. Without the AA guns, without someone holding down the fort, nobody is going to make it off Janus."

Amir clamped his lips shut. They were pressed together, merging into a single thin line. "This is not fair," he spat.

"It's not, so fucking go! You owe it to Kovács, Sagh, Ishida and Garcia to fucking make it off Janus," Ryder barked, as much as she loathed to use the names of the dead this way, she needed him to move and fast.

Amir stiffened. His hand trembled from the intensity he was cluching Kovács' tag.

"Go!"

That broke the spell, Amir ran as fast as he could back to the room where Tao and the others were. Ryder wished she could re-activate the turrets but the others would be mowed down the moment she did. She kept one eye on the situation outside her door, another on how quickly the shuttle was filled.

Then the feed on her camera outside her door cut out. "Shit," she cursed.

"What is it," Tao asked.

"I'm lost the eyes outside my door."

"That's not good."

"Tell me about it," she sighed, rubbing her hands together, feeling cold.

She looked at the blood sleeked and red stained floor. Her breathing was getting harder as her chest constricted. She gritted her teeth and tightened her grip on her pistol. _They will be safe. They will have as long as I have breath._

"Ryder," Tao called, dragging her attention back to the hanger.

"Yeah?"

"It's been an honour," he said.

Ryder laughed, it was dry and bitter. "This wasn't how I expect my day to go but yeah, make sure you see Ryan and have a kid or two," she said.

"I will, I promise," he whispered.

"Don't you fucking die," she growled, her heart wasn't in it.

Tao grunted. "I'll try my fucking best," he said.

Then gunfire pierced the small bubble of peace in the shuttle. Cerberus' reinforcements reached the shuttle hanger. Civilians were screaming as they ran towards the shuttle. Stronger ones pushed weaker ones aside. They were trampling their peers without care. One of them was carrying the artifact but the case went flying when he fell. Melnik hauled him to his feet, and pushed him towards the shuttle. He turned to run back for the artifact.

"Leave it!" Amir shouted.

As Melnik hesitated, civilians were cut down left and right by gunfire. There was no way he could get it and leave at the same time. "It's not worth it, Melnik! Go!" she shouted. "That's an order!"

Melnik growled in frustration, but he turned towards the shuttle. He ran, pulling along whoever he could. All semblance of an orderly retreat had gone out of the window. Melnik and the others were fleeing for their lives. Ryder's view of Melnik was cut out as he made it safely into the shuttle. Everyone outside were dead or dying. As much as it pained Ryder to see the archaeologists crawling towards the shuttle, begging to be let in, they had to go now.

"Strap in!" Melnik called as he pushed his way into the cockpit.

Amir was shouting down the archaeologists' pleas to wait for the others. If Tao spoke, Ryder couldn't hear it. She bit her lip and willed them to move faster. The shuttle's drive core powered up with a sharp whine. The roar filled the hanger. The clamps holding the shuttle was released. The shuttle hovered gently.

"Ryder," Melnik shouted over the din of whimpering civilians.

"What the fuck you're waiting for?" she all but shouted.

Bullets plinked against the hardened exterior ineffectively. "Shit, Ryder. Just know that I am sorry, okay?" Melnik blurted.

"Fucking hell, Melnik! Fine, apology accepted, just go!"

The roar was ear splitting and the shuttle started rattling. As Melnik took the dampeners off, it shot out of the shuttle hanger like a bat out of hell. Ryder felt a weight lifted from her chest watching as the shuttle disappeared from all her cameras.

It's done. It's fucking done. She slumped back against her chair.

The comms were crackling as interference from the storm increased the further it got away from the base. "Ry-, you've- ok," Melnik's voice cut in and out.

Ryder could no longer make out what he meant to say. It didn't matter anymore. Now all that's left was for her to hold out as long as she could. The Cerberus soldiers were leaving the hanger and she saw the Prothean artifact in the hands of one of them. She sighed.

 _All those deaths and they still got what they came for._

An explosion outside her door jarred her back to her reality. Ryder's jaw clench as she fought to stand. She had preparation to make if she want to make sure this lasted as long as possible.

* * *

That was the last of her medi-gel. Sitting in a pool of her own blood was no fun but Ryder wasn't in any condition to be picky. "I didn't think I had any more blood left to bleed," she chuckled.

She had abandoned her pistol for her rifle, opting for more firepower. If the small pile of foolhardy Cerberus' soldiers at the door was any indication, she made the right choice. The door was cycling shut and bouncing back when the door encountered the bodies. She sighed. She Pushed the bodies out and the door slid shut again.

"Not bad huh," she commented to nobody in particular.

A wave of vertigo swept over her, forcing her to close her eyes. Her chest felt like it had a strap that was slowly tightening, squeezing air from her lungs. It had been hours. Switching between her rifle and her biotics, keeping Cerberus at bay. They had cut the power, but the control room had its own separate power generator. They have tried an omni-grenade barrage but that failed when Ryder scooped it all up with her biotics and tossed them out. The resulting explosion and screams was worth that extra bit of effort.

"Now if they had a biotic, I'll probably be fucked so many times over," she muttered.

Opening her eyes, Ryder glanced at her omni-tool. The 24 hour countdown was still running. There was still 2 hours and 15 minutes on the clock. She eyed her dwindling supplies. It was just a couple more heat sinks left and that was it.

"No fucking matter," she gasped as she sat up straighter, "I still have my biotics."

Her hands were shaking too much to aim properly. It was more luck than skill if she hit anything at this rate. A shaky laugh escaped her lips as she clenched and unclenched her hands a few times to steady it. It didn't help.

Ryder was leaning against the wall, perpendicular to the door so that nobody saw her unless they turned. And when they do. Boom. No more head.

She laughed and hissed as the motion sent stabbing pains up and down her torso and gut. She glanced at her omni-tool, an unfinished message lay blinked on it.

 **I'm sorry. I've tried my best. I didn't mean for things to end this way. I hope I've made you proud.**

The cursor lay blinking at the end of her last sentence. It was daring her, mocking her. Ryder's jaw tightened.

 _Scott will be fine. He will be sad, but he will bounce back no problems. Pa, well… fuck him._

As her thoughts turned to her mother, all false cheer slid off her face. Ryder took a shuddering breath. _Fuck, I don't want to do this to her, but I don't see a way out._

She looked at her shattered armour. Ceramic plates more cracked than intact, pieces were digging past her undersuit into her skin. Where it didn't, blood dried and crusted in some parts, wet and warm in others. It stained everything. The icy fingers of death were creeping up her hands, reaching, ever reaching towards her heart. Tears pricked her eyes.

 _I'm not ready, I'm fucking not ready to go._

Her breaths came sharp and short as she wrestled with her fear. Her vision tunnelled as fire hot agony coursed through her nerves.

The sound of the door being forced open snapped her attention back to reality. Pain forgotten, fear cast aside. The rifle stock braced against her sore left shoulder. Ryder's hands wavered with fatigue and blood loss. The first sign of a helmet peeking past the threshold she squeezed the trigger.

She had it down to a science. A single bullet wasn't going to do the job. Ryder kept the trigger down unloading everything the heat sink had. The body just slump to the ground. Then she realised there was no scream of pain even as metal slugs peppered the helmet, shattering and cracking it. It belonged to a body that was already dead, a fucking decoy.

"Shit!"

Her rifle was already beeping for the mandatory cool down period. A pair of Cerberus soldiers forced themselves into the control room, then two more behind them. Ryder gritted her teeth, her hands moving swiftly to replace the spent heat sink. Her movements already slowed by pain, were made slippery by blood. The heat sink slipped out of her grip.

"Fuck!"

Ryder watched as one of the rifle barrel levelled with her head. Desperately, she pulled at her biotics. A shimmering blue Barrier flared to life as bullets slammed into it. Her amp burnt but it didn't stop the feral grin tugging at her lips.

 _This is it._

Ryder depressed the last omni-grenade and tossed it at the Cerberus soldiers. There was no way she could get out her corner and avoid getting hit. All she could do was to bring her arms up over her head and turned. A scouring heat seared across the room. She felt the blistering flames through her broken armour. Shrapnel like a million needles peppered against the wall and flesh alike. Her Barrier was shredded by the bullets, it flickered and shimmered and eventually dropped.

And Ryder screamed.


	12. Rescue

Chapter 12 - Rescue

"Damn," she cursed, eyeing at the melted slag of what used to be a couple of Makos.

"Is that admiration I hear in your voice?" the Chief asked.

She laughed but couldn't quite take her eyes off the burning mess. The Alliance logo was still vaguely visible even though it was almost completely scorched black by the burning drive core. "How did that happen?" she muttered to nobody in particular.

A gust of strong wind picked up sand, grit and rocks, obscuring the wreckage. She was starting to hate this place. Her omni-tool beeped as she received the updated blueprint of the base. She turned to her team, "Come on, we're wasting time here."

"You were the one gawking," the Chief pointed out.

She glowered at the Chief for a bit. Without needing to give a command, the Chief jogged towards the blast doors, preempting her thoughts. She pressed her body against the wall, the LT took the other. She met his eyes and he gave her a nod in acknowledgement. It was reassuring to have him at her back. It's nice not being the only biotic on the field.

 _This is way more interesting than patrolling the Traverse cleaning up the Geth. Cleaning…_ She could see the air quotes in her head.

The LT narrowed his eyes at her. She just rolled hers. The Katana shotgun was a hefty weight in her hands but it wasn't one she was used to. Her lips curled at the pristine the silver and black finish of the shotgun.

 _Too fucking clean._

The Chief glanced at her and she nodded. One open-palmed slap from the Chief triggered the holo-lock to flicker from red to green. And the door cycled through its opening sequence. The Chief shifted to take position behind the LT. The doors open and she waited. They watched her. There was no sound, no movements inside. She hummed.

"Didn't they say there are Cerberus here?" she asked.

"Are you bored already?" the LT asked, a smile in his voice.

She cocked her head at him as she shrugged. "I was promised something more exciting than a rescue mission."

As she stepped into the facility, shotgun leading the way, an exclaim rang out from inside. "Speak of the devil, Skipper," the Chief piped.

Bullets started raining down as she smirked. "Ahhh, the music of the battle," she said.

"No, don't—"

She didn't allow the LT to finish. It was obvious what he wanted to say. She wouldn't admit it if either of them had asked her, but she was bored.

* * *

Picking up the signal of an Alliance distress beacon was a stroke of luck. Arriving in time to see a Cerberus ship turning tail was not. She wished she could give chase, but the Alliance distress beacon took priority. They picked up a shuttle, maintaining altitude over Janos' atmosphere, not long after. Scooping up the shuttle into their hanger wasn't hard, in fact her pilot made sure to let her know there was no challenge at all. She sighed. Her hand twitched wishing for a moment she could strangle him before remembering she loved to keep him around too much to do that. The ship's doctor and the LT wasted no time to triage the wounded. From what she saw nobody escaped Janus unscathed.

"Who's in charge?" she asked.

All she got were a bunch of blank faces. _Shit, these are all civilians._ She scanned the group, there was one wearing Alliance armour. His helmet laid between his feet, his head bowed, dried blood coated his armour. A quick glance to his arms confirmed his rank. She stepped up to him. He didn't register her presence. Squatting down brought her to his level, she placed a hand on his shoulder. "Hey, are you ok?" she asked. "Are you wounded?"

He lifted his head, his brown eyes dulled with fatigue and something else. She didn't need to be able to name it to know what it was. She had seen it so many times in her own eyes. These were eyes that had seen too much. These were eyes who knew the fragility of life. The thin line that separated life and death. It wasn't skills or abilities that determined one's fate, it was luck more often than not. And lady luck was a fickle bitch at the best of times.

The Private shook his head and started to raise, his hand coming up in a limp attempt of a salute. "At ease, Private," she said, her hand pressed him back to the floor. "What happened?"

It didn't take much to drag the entire story from him. She got the gist. An ambush killed their commanding NCO. A corporal took over, but was told to stand down and wait for instructions. She disobeyed direct orders and gone after the missing team, rescuing one. The base proper was attacked and they lost the Prothean artifact in a bid to escape.

"So where is the Corporal? I don't remember seeing her on the shuttle," she asked, checking her omni-tool for an updated list of the people they picked up. There was no update.

His story didn't tally up in places, especially the beginning bits where he spoke more of the others' involvement and not his own as if he wasn't there. But it didn't matter for now, her concern was for the Corporal. She needed to debrief to the Corporal and figure out what to shove up the line.

"So where is she?" she asked.

The Private licked his lips, she watched his adam's apple bobbed as he gulped. "She told us to go while she guarded the control room," he confessed.

She sighed, expecting it as much. "How long ago is this?"

"I don't know," he stammered.

"Think, Private!" she barked, "I need an answer when I'm back."

It took all of ten minutes to don her armour, white and red strips running down her right arm. A brand new Katana shotgun and Avenger rifle holstered on her back. She was all ready to go. As she stepped out of her quarters, bumped into the LT.

He opened his mouth, obviously trying to give her his report. She raised a finger as she comm ahead to the hanger. "Get the shuttle ready."

"What is it?" she asked turning to the LT.

"You're going somewhere?" he asked instead.

"They left someone behind at the base," she replied by way of explanation.

Time was of the essence. Neither of them liked the chances of the Corporal if she was left alone in a base crawling with Cerberus goons. The LT immediately went to prepare. She liked that she didn't have to explain herself. She opened her mouth, ready to call upon the squad setup she preferred for such situations but realised they weren't on board. They had all returned to their lives and this was an all Alliance crew again. Swallowing the sting of disappointment, she turned to the Chief, who was helping process the civilians. "Suit up, we're going down to Janus."

The Chief turned and regarded her. Her eyes carried the spark of anticipation despite the grim job they found themselves with. "You found us some trouble, Skipper?" she grinned.

"You know me, Chief," she replied easily. "Trouble finds me."

The Chief snorted and spoke to her colleague before leaving to prep. She trusted her crew but she missed the multi-species crew she had before. Pushing the thoughts out of her mind, she returned to the Private. "Details, Private. I need details," she said.

Time alone didn't help. He looked like he was falling apart. Her brilliant chartreuse eyes hardened. "We're going to get her, your Corporal. You can help me get to her faster, or you can hinder. What is it going to be?"

The bite of command seemed to put steel into his spine. He straightened. Something akin to guilt crossed his eyes. Her eyes narrowed. Whatever it was she wasn't interested to go rooting around his head for, she needed intel and nothing more.

* * *

She slung biotics left and right as she rushed the enemy. Anyone she didn't Throw, she served them a slug via her shotgun. If she missed any, she was confident the LT and Chief would cover her back. The trio made quick work of the Cerberus soldiers. They were fresh and rested. With two biotics on the team, Cerberus was no match.

Resistance were surprisingly low, but Cerberus had already got what they came for. It seemed all they wanted was to wipe the last hold out on base and clear out. Maybe they wanted to remove all eyewitnesses but that's a moot point when three other Alliance soldiers and a whole bunch of civilians made it off the base. She shook her head, she wasn't here to figure out Cerberus' weird ass motivation. She was here for the Corporal and nobody else.

Taking the left at the junction, she froze. There was a small heap of bodies and body parts outside a reinforced door. The door itself was half opened, dented in parts, scorched and blasted in others. She glanced at her omni-tool, it was the control room. Turning she caught the LT's and Chief's eyes. They nodded at her in turn. She took it slow. After all, bodies, blood and guts were the norm on a battlefield but not like that. It was disturbing to say the least.

 _At least they haven't started to stink._

Suppressing a shudder at an old memory of the coy, sickly sweet odour of putrid flesh, she stalked towards the door. She shook her head. The imagery was at odds under the bright lights of the base. It was not the broken urban landscape of Earth. For a split second she could almost taste the burning rubber and acrid chemicals.

"Commander, are you ok?" the LT asked, concern colouring his words.

She didn't turn, instead she straightened and rolled her shoulders. "I'm fine, it's just quite a sight," she explained.

The Chief grunted. "It's carnage," she said, her voice muffled through the helmet.

She shrugged and moved towards the door, vigilant for signs of any Cerberus soldiers. The door was cycling through its open and close sequences. Something was preventing the door was closing completely. As she neared, she realised it was a head, one that was still connected to a body. The door was slowly but surely turning the head into slurry.

 _Open, close. crunch. Open, close. crunch._

"Damn," the LT muttered under his breath.

A light touch on the holo-lock disengaged the sequence. The door ground open and stayed that way. She stepped into the room to find the aftermath of an omni-grenade blast. Shrapnel stood out like quills on an enraged porcupine.

 _Can anyone survive this?_

She moved swiftly to check for life signs, keenly missing a certain turian with a visor. It would have made things so much easier. Most of them were clad in Cerberus' armour, she didn't skim on checking on them. She didn't enjoy being shot in the back very much.

"Bring her home," the Private implored, again with that look in his eyes.

Her eyes narrowed in response but she said, "I will, we don't leave our own behind."

That lie tasted bitter on her tongue as she said it. Still she was in the business of selling hope as thin and tattered as this one was.

Sifting through the bodies, they were all one and the same. Death took everyone, Alliance and Cerberus made no difference. She could hear the LT and Chief going through the same process behind her. There was a body curled up in the corner. She glanced at the door. It would make a perfectly good kill zone if anyone entered the control room.

A soldier was pinned against the corner, arms still held up, protecting their face and chest. Gingerly she pulled at the arms. They were heavy and limp. As the arms sagged, there was the unmistakable Alliance emblem on the soldier's chest. "Got her!" she shouted.

That was a mistake — that split second of distraction. When she turned back to face the soldier, she found the soldier's brown eyes snapped open, hard and feral. _Shit._ The biotic Throw she had been using happily on Cerberus' soldiers slammed into her chest as she sailed across the room.

* * *

 _Danger!_

Someone was restraining her.

 _Cerberus! It must be Cerberus! Shit! They're in the control room!_

Ryder used the only weapon she had left, her biotics. There was no need to hold back. _Do or fucking die._ Her amp buzzed and blazed. The soldier slammed into the opposite wall. Their shoulder taking the burnt of the impact. Her eyes flashed at the other two soldiers in the room. Despite the pain igniting her nerves, the weight of her limbs, the lightness in her head, Ryder's hands searched for her rifle. One of them, the shorter one, lifted their rifle. Ryder growled and lifted hers despite it weighing a ton in her hands. She refused to go down without a fight.

It was a face off. Her rifle was wavering. The enemy's wasn't.

 _Shit._

Her eyes focused on the muzzle aimed at her. The taller one started shouting something, but Ryder couldn't quite hear it. Her vision was tunnelling, her limbs shook as her world sounded hollow and far away.

 _No, no, no!_

Ryder fought her body. A snarl curled her lips. Her finger curled over the trigger. The taller one was still shouting, his arms stretched out at between them. The shorter one replied but nothing made sense.

 _They are the enemy. They have to go._

Before her finger could completely pull on the trigger, it was yanked roughly out of her hands. The shorter one's rifle met the same fate. She blinked, bewildered by the sudden turn of events. The one she had Pushed was getting to their feet, their arms flashed blue.

 _They have a biotic with them. Fuck. This is fucking it._

Ryder gritted her teeth, her last message was still blinking on her omni-tool. If this was the end, she wanted her brother to know from her, not from Walker of all people. Without hesitation, she stabbed at the send button. It was done. Ryder couldn't help the hysterical laughter that bubbled up. The sound that came from her throat was wet, whistling and altogether worrying, if she wasn't resigned to her fate. But she couldn't care less, there was nothing more to fear. She had done everything she could.

Three pairs of eyes hidden behind darkened helmet visors turned and stared at her. That made her laughed harder, despite how lightheaded she was getting. Ryder grimaced as every fresh peal of laughter sent a jolt through her battered flesh. The biotic dropped the rifles on the ground and advanced towards her.

That killed the laughter abruptly. Fear seized her throat and anger made her guts tightened. Ryder bared her teeth even as she tried to forced herself into the corner. There was nowhere for her to retreat. No weapons, no biotics, nothing. The biotic pressed one hand on her shoulder, the other hand moving roughly over her shattered armour.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Ryder growled, "Finish it!"

The biotic cocked their head at her. "What are you talking about soldier?"

With two clicks, the biotic unbuckled their helmet to reveal a pair of hard agate eyes glaring at her. Bright red hair framed the chiseled planes of her face, a jagged scar ran down her left cheek. Ryder blinked. She recognised the soldier's face, but this had to be a hallucination. There was no other reasonable explanation.

A chuckle bubbled to her lips as she hissed in pain. "This is a joke right?" Ryder said, her words slurring. "I must be dead. This is a fucked up afterlife."

"Shut up, soldier," her hallucination barked, "I'm trying to save your life."

One hand fending off her feeble struggles, another shoved a medi-gel pack into her armour. Despite the relief, Ryder's eyelids were still heavy. A weak furrow of her brow was all the resistance she could pull off.

"You're surprisingly solid for a hallucination." she mumbled.

Her hallucination ignored her and turned to the others. "Radio for a shuttle, make sure there is a squad on board just in case we missed any left overs."

The green eyes and flaming hair made it clear who the soldier was, but why was she seeing the Hero, the Saviour if this wasn't some kind of delusion of a dying mind? As much as she admired her, Ryder would prefer Scott or her mother. "I want my mother," she whispered.

The hallucination rolled her eyes. "You all do. Come on, stay with me soldier."

Ryder sighed, strength leaving her body as icy fingers of death crawled up her chest. She didn't have any fight left in her.

"No, no," the hallucination growled. "You're not doing that. Come on, talk to me. Why do you think I'm not real?"

"You can't be," Ryder gasped as strong hands picked her up.

Her head lolled to the side as pressure against her chest made her groaned. Someone was carrying her over their shoulder. _Why can't they just leave me alone?_

"Why?" Her voice drifted over from out of Ryder's field of vision. "Why can't I be real?"

She lacked the breath to answer as they started running. The pace they set hammered spikes of pain through her body at every step. "Hey, hey, hang in there," the hallucination barked

It was an order. Ryder's body instinctively stiffened in an attempt to follow it. "Easy, easy," her hallucination said.

Darkness was the grasping hungry hands, always clawing, always dragging. She allowed the shadows to pull at her however they willed it. But always there was a voice, the familiar voice of a million vids she had watched calling, commanding for her attention. Ryder tried to obey but it was a losing battle. The voice sought to fend off the darkness again and again.

 _But I'm so tired._

"You're not, my grandmother can do better. Come on, open your eyes," the voice commanded.

Ryder opened her eyes. _Where is this?_ She was lying flat on her back on a cold and hard surface. The lights weren't as bright as the base's. Then whatever she was lying on started to hum and shake. She frowned. _What the fuck was—_

That was the end of her thought. Ryder gasped and groaned. It felt like a giant had sat on her chest. She wished she could just give in and slid into the comforting great black.

"Come on, stay with me."

Her eyes sprang open again. She craned her neck and saw green eyes looking back at her. The hallucination smiled when their eyes met. Ryder frowned. It felt like a job well done but what did she do?

"Tell me, why am I not real?"

 _That question again..._

"Yes, that question again."

"Oh, I spoke that out loud," she sighed, eyes sliding shut again.

"No, no, no."

A hand gripped her shoulder. The slight pressure made her open her eyes again. Ryder groaned, her eyelids were getting too heavy to lift.

"Fuck," the hallucination said, "We're losing her. Can this shuttle go any faster?"

"I'm trying!" the reply came somewhat angrily.

Vaguely through narrow silts, Ryder glanced at her surroundings blearily. "Yeah, that's right," the emerald eyes and flame hair framed face came back into view. "Stay here with us."

She squeezed her eyes shut for a moment before opening again. The hallucination was persistent, pushy and very demanding. That just pissed her off.

 _Hasn't my day been long enough? Can I get a break?_

"You can rest when we can you back to the ship," the hallucination replied.

 _Oh, I said that out loud again._

"And that one too."

Ryder growled in frustration. Everything was just a blurry incoherent mess. "I'm so tired," she whined.

"Just hang on for a little bit more," the voice coaxed. "You know you nailed me real good just now."

"You can't nail someone who isn't here."

"Again with that," the hallucination sighed, sounding a little annoyed, hands pushing red locks, twisted into a braid, out of her face. "So tell me who do you think I am?"

"You're Commander fucking Shepard!"


	13. Baby Ryder

Chapter 13 - Baby Ryder

Medi-gel was a miraculous invention especially for soldiers, but there was only so much it could do. For one, it couldn't replace lost blood. Shepard worked frantically as the soldier got more confused and less responsive.

"She is going into shock!" Shepard said.

"Elevate her feet," Alenko barked.

Gunnery Chief Williams shifted to follow the order, but she slipped on the blood-coated floor of the shuttle and fell. Cursing, she worked quickly.

"Can't this thing go any faster?" Shepard demanded.

There was no answer but an increased in cabin pressure as it powered through the upper atmosphere of Janus. The shuttle rocked and rattled. Luckily, the Corporal was already strapped onto a secure back board. That left the other three scrambling to find hand holds to keep from smashing their heads against the interior.

Shepard stabbed a bloody finger against the omni-tool. "Joker! Come meet us and tell Chakwas we have one trauma victim for her."

"You broke something already, Shepard?" came the reply. "Didn't you just recover from a broken arm or two?"

"Joker!" she shouted. "I have no fucking time for this."

"Fine, fine," he replied placatingly. "One shuttle pick up coming right up."

"And tell Chakwas, we need her at the cargo bay."

"Got it, Shep," came the reply.

The connection terminated with a click. She looked at the startlingly pale face of the Corporal. "Hey, hey, stick with me. We're almost back. Chakwas will stitch you right up," she said, squeezing the Corporal's limp hand.

Eyelids fluttering, these brown eyes couldn't focus on anything. The Corporal's breaths were coming rapid, shallow and alarmingly wet. As the shuttle evened out, Shepard inserted another medi-gel pack into the armour and praying it helped. In the shuttle it was next to impossible to remove the Corporal's armour and do the usual things — applying pressure, getting her hooked up on an IV line. For all she knew, the armour was the only thing keeping the blood more in than out.

"Hang in there, soldier."

The Corporal's lips moved, but no sound came out. All Shepard got for an answer was a weak squeeze of her hand.

* * *

Cotton had been stuffed into her ears she was sure. Maybe Scott had played a prank on her. Everything sounded far away and strange. There weren't sounds of shift change, no banter between Tao and Garcia. There was just the persistent beeping that was slowly driving her insane.

Ryder groaned. _Shit, what's the time? I should get ready._

She tried to open her eyes, but they weighed down like lead. As she forced them open, she found herself staring at a strange dome-shaped ceiling. _This is not the barracks. Where—_

Then it hit her. The memories of the downed Sinon, finding Ishida, creating the distraction, defending the control room. "I'm not supposed to be here," she muttered.

Her limbs were anchors attached to her body. She had no strength beyond moving her eyes to take in the room. _Med-bay for sure. There's no doubt. Nowhere else would have a ceiling this white._

There was a dull ache that ran through her body. Ryder was sure it was the top grade painkillers that were keeping her from screaming in agony. It was disconcerting to be so detached from her body. Something was tickling her nostrils. It was hard, uncomfortable and delivering air in through her nose. She grunted but couldn't summon the energy to tug at it.

With considerable effort, Ryder turned her head, but she couldn't see much beyond. The half dome over her obscured her vision. Something rustled somewhere else in the med-bay.

"Thank you," a lady spoke calmly.

"Just doing my part," a more familiar voice replied.

Ryder remembered the voice. It was her hallucination. She couldn't help the small chuckle. _Imagine that, dreaming that I saw Shepard! Ha! But… I can't be still hallucinating now right? Fuck, I've messed up my head more than I thought._

"How's our little last stand hero, doc?" the familiar voice asked.

"Put pressure on that," the doctor replied.

A grunt and more rustling as a weight slid off fabric. "It's just a pin prick. It will stop bleeding on its own."

"Suit yourself," came the exasperated reply. "Collapsed lung, bruised ribs, multiple lacerations and contusions. Oh, of course, massive blood loss to top it all off."

"An impressive laundry list of injuries, even when compared to me," came the joking reply before a sigh punctuated the still air. "But she will be fine?"

"Sara Ryder, newly minted Corporal. She is young, she will recover. Maybe a little more scarred, but this isn't the end of her Alliance career, Shepard."

The haze that Ryder found herself in was gone in an instant. That name sent alarm bells ringing in her head. _Shepard? Fuck, that wasn't a hallucination? Shit! How much did I fucked up?_ She remembered sending Shepard flying across the control room. As soon as that happened, the beeping from the monitors beside her, chirped warningly.

Footsteps approached as the bed slid outwards. Her vision wasn't obstructed any longer. The doctor was dressed in an Alliance white and grey high collared uniform. Her short cropped hair neat as was expected of any Alliance soldier. In contrast the other person was dressed in a black tank top with a N7 logo discretely stitched into the left breast, blue Alliance BDU pants. Her red hair was roughly in a braid but stray strands of hair were sticking out every which way.

Ryder groaned in embrassement.

The doctor approached quickly thinking it was from pain. "How are you feeling? How is your pain level?"

She opened her mouth, her lips parted painfully after being stuck together for what felt like days. "Water?" she rasped hopefully.

Shepard spun around, picked up a cup and handed it to the doctor. Ice chips were pressed into her mouth and she sucked on them greedily.

"My name is Doctor Chakwas, you're on board the Normandy," the doctor informed. "This is Commander Shepard."

Shepard snorted, a lopsided smile tugged at one corner of her mouth. It made the scar that ran down her left check twitch. "I think she knows."

Ryder was glad she lost enough blood to not worry about blushing. "I do, Commander. Thank you and sorry."

A eyebrow rose as Shepard cocked her head. "Sorry?" she asked before she remembered. "That throw? It's fine. Actually it's more than fine, it's impressive. You caught me by surprise that's all. The armour took the burnt of things."

"The others? Did they make it?" Ryder asked, her mind finally catching up on things.

"Don't worry about them. We've picked them all up. We're en route to the Citadel. I'll be debriefing you as soon as Chakwas here gives the green light. Rest up, Corporal."

Ryder could only nod as the doctor swept in with her medical questions.

* * *

Shepard sighed, her hair limp and sad after her shower. She walked with her towel over her neck towards the mess. Her stomach growled, reminding her of the exciting day she had. Alenko was there, nursing a hot cup of what looked like coffee.

She grimaced, weighing the options between food and avoiding the LT. Her thoughts were in a mess and she needed time to sort them out. Between chasing Saren, racing back to the Citadel and defeating him, recovering from having the Citadel fall on her, the subsequent orders to go chasing after Geth left her no time to even process what had happened. A night, her first time and nothing happened like she expected. She grimaced, pushing the memory out of her mind.

 _Fuck the Geth, what about the Reapers?_

She huffed a sharp breath out through her mouth and put hunger first. _Alenko, no Kaidan, fuck. You fucked the man, you could bloody well call him Kaidan now._ "Hey," she said by the way of greeting.

Alenko looked up and smiled tiredly. Shepard walked food dispenser and stabbed a button at random. As the machine went to work, she asked, "Any tea left?"

He laughed. "Definitely, coffee runs the Normandy. And you're the only tea drinker on board. There are plenty of tea bags left."

Shepard snorted and slid into a seat with her food and freshly brewed tea. As she shovelled food into her mouth, he asked, "So the Corporal, is she going to make it?"

She nodded. "Chakwas is good at what she does. Ryder will be fine."

"Ryder?"

"Yeah."

"Is she related to Alec Ryder?" he asked.

Her spoon stilled as she thought about it. As she chewed, she brought up her omni-tool and checked. It didn't take long for Sara Ryder's service record to pop up. "What do you know, you're right, Alenko."

She caught his face twisting a little at his last name. Pretending she didn't noticed, she forced a soft chuckle to cover the awkward silence that follow. "Baby Ryder is quite something. Her father is the most N7 of operatives I've ever met."

"What the fuck does that even mean Skipper?" Williams asked as she joined them at the table.

"By the book, straightlaced, protocols and more protocols," Shepard replied, "that's what I mean."

"I can see why that goes against your grain," Williams laughed.

"Will you prefer I reimplemented the segregation of the officer's mess and enlisted mess again?

"Ahh, no."

Alenko laughed. Shepard pushed her empty bowl aside and hissed as she scaled her tongue on her hot tea. "How are our new passengers handling it?"

"The LT and I debriefed them while you're off donating blood to our little hero. They all said the same thing. A ship crashed, the NCO in charge took a team to investigate, got most of them killed, Ryder took two soldiers who were due to be court-martialled with her and—"

"Hold up, court-martialled? Why?" Shepard interjected.

"They attempted to… well, sexually assault Ryder while under the influence," Alenko explained, wincing.

"Fuck this shit," Shepard said, standing suddenly. The chair scrapped. All heads in the vicinity turned to look at their commanding officer.

Noticing the many pairs of eyes on her, she sat down again. Rubbing her hand over her face, she turned to Alenko and Williams. "What are their names? Do we need to put them in the brig?"

"No, I don't think so," he replied. "I've spoken to Tao, the lance-corporal. He is the only survivor of the first party. They were following Ryder's lead throughout. I think we can trust them to behave."

"Fuck, what a mess this is. Williams, I want you to keep an eye on them. If you find them with a single toe out of line, throw them into the brig. I don't care if they saved the fucking Council."

"Got it, skipper."

Shepard leaned back against the chair and sighed. "So what's going to happen to them?" Alenko asked. "The base is as good as gone, men dead. Even if some civilians survived, it will take some time for the Alliance to send a clean up crew."

"They will all be re-assigned, I suppose. I'm going to have words with Walker," she growled.

He nodded, suddenly looking like he aged ten years. "It's just luck isn't it?" he asked.

"Yeah, it is."

 _Fucking luck._

* * *

Ryder hated the med-bay. It was dark, it was oppressive. It was even worse than being in the hospital with her mother. The endless hum of the Normandy's drive core was loud and driving her up the wall. With Chakwas weaning her off the good stuff, that meant the pain was keeping her up.

"Please, I'll take the sleeper pods over the med-bay," she begged.

Chakwas raised her eyebrows at her. Even not wearing only a thin medical gown and nothing else underneath, the experienced medical officer's gaze made her feel vulnerable. Ryder tightened her jaw and set her shoulders, as much as she could while lying flat on her back.

Chakwas laughed and shook her head. "Ryder, you have years to go before you try that stare on me. Yours isn't quite up to snuff."

"I—"

She waved her hand at Ryder and said, "If you can dress yourself unaided. I'll consider you fit to leave my tender mercies."

Ryder grunted as she levered herself into a sitting position. The dull ache turned up a notch as she winced. Chakwas has removed the chest tube a couple of days earlier. Most of the lacerations didn't need stitches. The good doctor even promised no scars other than a couple of silver ones once they healed for the deeper ones. The only thing bothering her were her healing ribs.

 _I can do this. This is nothing like the last time. What's a couple litres of blood? It's all been replaced anyway._

Grimacing she slipped out of the medical gown, Chakwas had left the med-bay and locked it behind her to give Ryder a semblance of privacy. The zip up hoodie presented little problem, it was the sweat pants that proved to be the challenge. By the time she was tying the drawstring, Ryder had sweat beading across her forehead as she rethought her need to get out of the med-bay.

 _But I can't sit here all day till we get to the Citadel. I've got to check on the others. And Tao, what the fuck happened to him?_

She managed a dignified shuffle to the door. It slid open just in time to hear Shepard laughing at the mess. "Hey, baby Ryder!" she greeted, waving.

 _Oh fuck._

"Commander," she replied. "Thank you once again for coming for me."

Shepard shrugged. "We don't leave our own behind."

Ryder noticed Shepard's lips twisted when she said it, like the words tasted bitter on her tongue.

"Ma'am, where is the rest of my squad? I need to check on them," she asked, gingerly making her way towards the small circle around Shepard, feeling like she didn't belong.

 _Of course, you don't fucking belong. She is the damn Saviour of the Citadel. Who do you think you are?_

"Take care of your mini me, Shepard," Chakwas said.

The man standing next to the Commander choked as Shepard scowled.

"And Ryder, remember to come back to me every day for a check up. And if you can bring your Lance-Corporal Tao along I'll appreciate it too," she went on

"Yes, ma'am." Ryder replied.

"Doctor Chakwas is fine, Chakwas is also fine. Just none of this ma'am nonsense. It's literally adding years to my face as I hear it."

Without another word, the doctor withdrew to the med-bay.

"I don't know how she can stand to be in the damn dark room all day," Shepard muttered under her breath.

An excited thrill ran down Ryder's spine as Shepard echoed her thoughts. It was strange and awesome to be meeting her hero up close.

A pair of brilliant green eyes took her in. She straightened, attempting to look better than how she felt. Shepard sighed and muttered under her breath, "Mini fucking me."

Another choked laugh came from the man. Shepard rounded on him and wagged a finger, "Don't you fucking dare repeat that, Alenko."

Ryder glanced at the man, coiffed hair, well-built muscles, a pair of soft sepia brown eyes and a sheepish smile perched on his lips. He smiled at Shepard, his scar tugged at his mouth. He was completely at ease around her and yet awkward at the same time. She averted her eyes. _This is none of my fucking business. But fuck is he attractive._

"Got it, Shepard."

Shepard rolled her eyes. "Come on, I'll show you."

Ryder made a valiant attempt to keep up, but the painkillers were wearing off and she wasn't due another dose till much later. Shepard glanced back and realised she had fallen behind. She sighed. "You know you can tell me to slow down?"

"Sorry, ma'am."

"No."

"No?" Ryder parroted back.

"No," Shepard repeated firmly. "None of this ma'am bullshit. Commander Shepard if you must, Commander works too. Shepard though is my preferred."

"Ok..."

"Shepard, repeat after me, Shepaaard."

Ryder couldn't help the snort that escaped. Pain ripped through her torso as she pressed her hand against her chest.

"Shepaaard."

She was laughing in earnest while she bent over trying to hold her insides in. "I've got it, Commander. I've really got it."

Shepard grinned, the mirth lighting up her green eyes. "Come on, do you need help walking?" she asked.

"Only if you keep insist on making me laugh."

* * *

Eventually, Ryder found the rest of her squad. She leaned heavily against a bulkhead. The earlier joviality with Shepard was gone, sucked out of the airlock and froze in the vacuum. Looking at Melnik, Amir and Tao, she felt only failure.

"Fuck," she spat, tears stinging her eyes.

 _All those deaths for what? For fucking nothing. We didn't even managed to keep the damn artifact from them._

Tao nudged Amir and jerked his head at Ryder. He rose and put a hand on her shoulder, squeezing it. "Come on, Corporal, why don't we sit down?"

She allowed him to guide her to the remaining empty cot laid out in the cargo bay. A hiss of pain forced the breath from her lungs, her breaths came sharp and short. Amir gritted his teeth, tears were also standing in his eyes.

Melnik sat down, effectively sandwiching Ryder between them, while Tao was lying on the cot just next to her.

"I'm sorry, fuck. I'm sorry," Ryder whispered, her shoulders shaking as a sob ripped through her throat.

"No, you don't get to do that. You did what you could. You did what nobody thought was possible," Tao said, his voice hard and insistent. "Look at me, Ryder."

Tears stood in her eyes. Tao turned into nothing but a blurry blob and still she couldn't bear to hold his gaze. She squeezed them shut, tears overflowed her eyes and streamed down her face. Her jaw clenched as her hands gripped the thin metal frame of the cot.

"It's my fault," Melnik blurted. "Kovács… fuck, Kovács. He should have made it. I couldn't—"

"Shut up," Ryder whispered.

She grabbed Melnik's and Amir's hands in each of her own. Her hands shook at the intensity she was gripping them. Tao shifted and placed a hand on her knee. The four of them formed a little circle as they mourned the death of their friends.

Shepard leaned against console and watched. Her jaw tightened. Without saying a word, she walked away.


	14. Weight of Lives

Chapter 14 - Weight of Lives

Shepard panted, wiping perspiration off with the towel hanging around her neck. "That's all you got, Williams?" she asked, her hand reaching out to the Chief.

"Skip, not everyone has your stamina."

With a grunt, she pulled Williams to her feet. "I didn't even use biotics. It was a fair fight."

Williams laughed. "You need to spar with the LT if that's what you are looking for. I'm completely wiped and I'm on duty soon so that's it for me."

Shepard sighed and dried off before she started on her biotics training. Travelling was the most boring part of the job. Her life was long periods of dullness punctuated by the quick flashes of battle and pure adrenaline. And now with a load of civilians she couldn't even swing by a couple of pirates' hideouts for a quick raid here and there.

"Get the civilians back to the Citadel. That's the priority. They must be debriefed." Udina's words echoed in her head.

What else could she say but, "Yes sir"?

At least Joker was making good time. In 48 hours, they would be cleaning out "Geth" again. "Fuck."

Shepard turned on her music and started running through her usual biotics routine. It was a mix of things she picked up in the slums and the stuff she was taught later in the Alliance.

* * *

Ryder felt like a stalker. Her ears caught a familiar refrain coming from the cargo bay. She walked towards the music, wondering who was playing it so loudly. Down time without a routine, without a job grated on her.

It wasn't like this the last time she was hurt. Her team had survived, banged up but alive. She was following orders and she did her job well. They came out on top. They fucking won. Now, with her slinging orders, Ryder didn't feel the same.

Her people died.

Kovács' death stung the most. He died as a direct result of her orders. She told him to go with the others. And he fucking died because of it.

Ryder walked woodenly to the dimmed med-bay after a night of no sleep. _Turns out the hum of the drive core can be heard everywhere on the Normandy._

Chakwas took one look at her and sighed. "Get out of your hoodie and get on the table."

Ryder unzipped the jacket and shivered a little. The air in the med-bay was a little too chilly for bare skin. The table seemed to press the claws of death into her back. She suppressed a shiver climbing up her spine.

Chakwas noticed. "Cold?" she asked.

Ryder nodded.

"I'll be quick," she promised. With a scissors, she snipped through the bandages covering the multitude of shrapnel wounds. "You're healing nicely. You don't need to keep them bandaged any longer. Just remember to keep up with the medi-gel application for a couple more days. I believe these won't even leave a scar."

The doctor applied a thin coat of medi-gel over the wounds. "Let them dry a little," she instructed as she activated the diagnostic scanner.

The table started humming and vibrating slightly as scanner swept over twice. Chakwas looked at the results on the monitor as Ryder sat up. Her ribs protested, but they were much better. _Wonders of modern medicine._

"How's your sleep?"

"Fine," Ryder replied easily.

"Why?" Chakwas asked, "why do soldiers think being stoic and all tough is the right thing to do? You're not as good a liar as you think you are, Ryder."

Ryder gulped as Chakwas levelled her a look. "Now let's try this again," she said. "How is your sleep?"

She averted her eyes, pressing the heel of her left hand into her face. Kovács fell from his perch again in her mind, this time the sniper took out his entire head. Brain, blood and bone splattering across her mind's eye. She flinched, when she felt a hand on her shoulder.

"I'll be recommending you talk to a therapist before you get re-assigned."

Ryder inhaled sharply. "But—"

"No buts, soldier. You lost people. It is protocol, not just for you but all of your other squad mates. The Alliance will get you professional grief counselling. If you want, you can talk to me. Find someone and let it out meanwhile."

Her jaw tightened as she nodded, trying to swallow past the lump that formed in her throat.

"All right, take it easy for a week or so. And I'll say you will be cleared for light duty."

After that, Ryder felt the need to be alone. Under Chakwas' gaze, as kind, as well meaning as it was, she felt exposed and raw. And that led her seeking out that familiar music, like a rat entraced by Piped Piper.

 _We were the kids that left home probably too young (too young)_

Music punctuated by grunts of effort, hisses of exertion.

 _But we took our share and maybe then some (then some)_

Flashes of blue light reflected against metallic surface of bulkheads.

 _Tired of beatings and battles and being sewn up (sewn up)_

Then the scent hit her. Ozone, strong and heady in its intensity.

 _But that made us grow up, and that made 'em scared_

Ryder leaned against the wall, half hidden by the crates shoved to the side. They formed a circular ring, looking like a fighting circle, with a single person in the middle — Shepard. Her striking red hair dark with sweat, her tanned skin flushed red from her training. Shepard's movements were lightning quick, her blows hit hard, fists pounding away at a swinging sand bag.

Ryder couldn't believe her eyes. She had come into her biotics early, had training under an ex-Alliance soldier for years before joining a biotics program. By her own estimation, she was good, maybe not the best but one of the top tier biotics of her own cohort.

But Shepard, she was something else. In that instant, Ryder realised what differentiated the Saviour of the Citadel and the rest of them. It wasn't just about raw power, it was having pinpoint precise fine control.

Shepard took a can of soda and placed in the middle of the ring. Layer by layer she built, shimmering barrier after barrier over the can. Each successive layer was paper thin but packed so closely they looked like a single solid block. She nodded, satisfied with her handiwork.

Ryder gasped. Step by step, Shepard walked on the blue shimmering layered barrier she placed over the can. _No, how can it hold?_ As her weight pressed against the barriers, one after another, the layers flickered and died. But there was always another one below. By the time she got to the top of the rounded dome, there were plenty more layers still underneath.

"Impressive right?"

Ryder jumped.

It was the LT, Alenko if she remembered correctly. "Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you."

"Sir, I didn't mean to be watching I was just—."

He laughed, it was a sound warm and smooth like a wool blanket in the middle of winter. "Don't worry about it. She probably know you were watching. She likes showing off."

Before Ryder could speak, Shepard shouted, "Alenko, you don't have to be such a spoilt sport and reveal _all_ my secrets to baby Ryder."

She was grinning as she let the barrier go. With a solid thump, she landed on the ground next to the can. Picking it up, she popped the tab and drank deep. "Ahhh," she sighed. "That's the good stuff."

Ryder frowned. She recognised the can, it was the cloyingly sweet energy drink that every biotic she knew avoided like the plague. Alenko noticed her expression, he smiled, "Yes, only she can stomach the stuff."

Shepard walked over, draining the can as she came. "You're a biotics too, baby Ryder?"

Ryder winced at the nickname. _Fuck, this is going to stick._ "Yes, I am, mad—"

Her words got caught in her throat when she saw Shepard's gaze hardened. "Ma'am…Shepard, Commander Shepard."

The Commander and LT laughed. Ryder felt her face burn.

"You should train with me sometime," Shepard said, ignoring Ryder's blush.

"I would love to, but Doctor Chakwas has not cleared me for anything more strenuous than getting myself to my cot and the mess."

Shepard nodded. "Maybe later then."

With that she left with the LT, both of them had their head together talking about the resupplying the Normandy when it docked. Ryder watched as the door closed behind them. "If only she wasn't just saying it to be nice."

* * *

Hands gripping hers, holding them still. She struggled, but air wouldn't come, it just wasn't enough. Fear choked her. It was the arm that pressed against her throat, it was the knee nudging her legs apart, it was the leering face that stared at her.

It was Melnik.

She flinched. The pressure was gone. She bent over heaving, gasping for air. As she straightened, she could feel the heat. It was oppressive and overwhelming. Her boots clanked as she walked in the upside down world of the Sinion, light flicking at the end of the corridors. Dread was the tightening of her guts, it was the need to check even if she knew who she would find there. Her mouth dry as her hands tightened on her rifle. The body slumped, blood pooling under it. Her breath hitched as she met the pair of glassy dead eyes.

It was Ishida.

A loud bang made her jump. She pulled on the trigger but realised she wasn't holding anything. Gone was the darkness and heat, instead she was sitting in a familiar chair. Another bang made her search for the source. It was coming from the monitors. She was back in the control room. Across the monitors arrayed before her was one scene being replayed over and over.

A soldier rising his arms up in victory. A bang. A head exploding. It looped and repeated. Guilt was the sharp pain in her chest, it was the tears stinging her eyes, it was the next breath that refused to come.

"I'm sorry, I'm fucking sorry."

Victory, gunshot, death. Rinse and repeat. Looping, burning into her eyes, searing into her mind.

"It should have been me."

Bang!

* * *

Ryder surged upright, her ribs protested at the sudden movement. She glanced at the person snoring in the next cot. It was Melnik. She squeezed her eyes close as the feeling of helplessness washed over her. "Fuck."

It was too soon after the nightmare. The sensation of his forceful hands and rough treatment were too fresh in her mind to look at him and remembered he had her back. Coupled with Kovács' look of surprise as his head vanished under the sniper bullet, it just too much to sit still.

Ryder didn't know where she was going but her feet had their own ideas. The lights flickered on as she stepped into the space, motion sensors detecting movement. It was the cargo bay she had observed Shepard training in earlier.

Now, it was still and silent. Lights were kept dim. The Normandy was on the night cycle. Only the essentials were manned. Most of everyone else were trying to get enough rest for the day cycle. The cargo bay was silent except for her own harsh breathing. The ring Shepard used earlier stood empty.

Ryder sighed and slid to the floor, her back leaning against some crates. Drawing her knees to her chest, she folded her arms on top of her knees and buried her face. Darkness swallowed her up as she tried to calm herself.

All she could hear was her heartbeat, her ragged breathing and the hum of the Normandy. Her senses turned inwards. She had no idea how long she stayed that way. Was it mere minutes or hours? Time ceased to have meaning. It was just her and the gnawing guilt.

"Here."

Ryder stiffened, her head jerking up. A steaming cup of tea was being thrusted in her face. Automatically, she raised her hands to receive it. The steel double-wall cup felt cool in her hands. A packet of tissue landed on her lap. A warm body slid next to hers. Shoulder pressing against her own. With the cup shielding her face, she glanced to see who it was.

All Ryder needed was to catch a hint of red hair from her peripheral vision to realise who it was. _Fuck, did I mess up? Ship board protocol is not to have non-crew wandering around areas they weren't supposed to. Shit._

"Nightmare?" Shepard asked, she kept her eyes staring straight ahead.

"Yeah," Ryder replied, tired and resigned. She noticed Shepard didn't have a cup of tea of her own. She sipped a little and placed the cup on the floor, sliding it towards Shepard.

A soft chuckle and Shepard accepted the offer. She sipped and hissed. The tea was steaming hot after all. "Want to talk about it?" she asked.

Ryder froze. _Do I want to?_ The awkward silence that hung between them was apparently answer enough.

"We should be docking in the Citadel late tomorrow, ship time. Joker made good time. The Alliance is hot on my ass to get you guys back for a debrief," she said, bulldozing through her lack of an answer. "Have you met Joker?"

Ryder shook her head.

Shepard snorted. "I think you'd know if you have. Best pilot in the Alliance just don't tell him that I said that."

The cup of tea went from steaming hot to lukewarm to stone cold as it was passed back and forth, sipping from it. Shepard spoke, Ryder listened. Anecdotes of the crew, funny stories that made her chuckled, impossible stories that left her on the edge of her seat. Eventually, even Shepard ran out of words.

"Does it get better?" Ryder asked in the wake of a particularly funny story about an asari being caught in a Prothean trap.

"Hmmm?"

"The weight of the lives lost."

"Oh, that," Shepard shifted to face her. "Yes and no." She took a deep breath as one hand pushed her hair out of her face. It was as if she aged ten years in the span of seconds.

Ryder regretted the question. "You don't have to—"

"Baby Ryder," Shepard interrupted. "Shut up and just listen."

She hid her grimace and clamped her mouth shut. She waited.

"We're soldiers. You and I, we're not that different."

 _Except you're the Hero of the Citadel and I'm not._

"I know that look," Shepard narrowed her eyes at her before sighing and continuing, "It's our lot in life to stand at the frontlines, to hold our rifles and charge into danger. We know we may one day be called to lay down our lives."

Ryder found herself nodding along. These were all hard truths she knew. But knowing it might happen was one thing, seeing the hard consequences of her orders was a whole other thing. Her jaw tightened as she shoved her knuckles into her mouth and bit down.

"It is also our lot in life to see this happen to friends and comrades. It will always hurt, it doesn't matter if it is someone you know well, or a faceless grunt you just know they exist. It will always hurt. It should hurt. These are people, they have lives and their lives have weight. But eventually there will come a time you would remember the good times more than the bad. There will be a day you will remember and it will not hurt as badly as it does now."

Tears made her vision swam. Ryder dashed them angrily away with the back of her hand. "Shit, but it fucking hurts now."

She turned and looked at Shepard. The commander had her brilliant green eyes aimed forward. Her eyes looking at something that wasn't there. The pain reflected there was old but raw, giving lie to her words.

"I know, I know. It does. But it will be better one day."

Ryder couldn't tell who the words were meant for.

 **Lyrics taken from We Fight by Dashboard Confessional**


	15. Debrief

Chapter 15 - Debrief

Ryder took a deep breath. Her chest and abdomen was still a little sore, but nothing she couldn't manage with some over the counter medication. Her orders had came through. She was supposed to get everyone, Alliance and civilians to the processing centre for debriefing. Get herself and everyone else checked out by the medical officer to verify Doctor Chakwas' work. She snorted at that bit. If Doctor Chakwas was anything less than top notch, she would be dead already. Tao too.

Officer Pressly got a Private to hold her hand to the quarter master. She returned with a handful of brand new BDUs.

"Here," she said, handing them out. "Our orders are in. Debriefing then reassignment."

Melnik and Amir nodded but worry clouded their faces. "What about our court martial?"

She glanced at Tao. He was the one more experienced with such things. But the entire situation was strange enough. _But I guess that's what deaths do. Pull people together or pull them apart._

"Ishida had sent out his report days before Cerberus hit. The Alliance would have it on their system," Tao said, pulling the new uniform out of its packaging.

"Fuck," Amir muttered as he tossed his on the floor. "This is stupid. It was just one dumb mistake. Just one and then…"

He looked up and found Ryder staring back. She didn't know how she feel. What they did was fucked up, under any other situation she would be pleased to see them get sent to the detention barracks and dishonourably discharged. But now, her thoughts on the entire situation was further complicated by the plain fact that without them, she wouldn't have lived, wouldn't be able to get Tao, much less get the mergre number of civilians out.

Amir averted his eyes. "Shit, sorry. Ryder, I…"

Melnik's jaw tightened. He reached a hand out towards her, she took a step back to avoid it. The nightmare was still burrowing holes into her mind. "It's my fault, Amir shouldn't have to pay the price. I mean what we did on Janus, it must count for something."

Her fists clenched as her pulse throbbed against her temple. She frowned. "What are you asking?"

"I mean, we did good on Janus right? Without us, we'll all be dead. So…" His eyes pleading. "Could you just put in a good word for us?"

Ryder stiffened. Amir and Melnik were looking at her with puppy dog eyes, but they didn't just break a vase. They fucking tried to rape her. This was not ok. Tao stood, taking care to position himself in front of Ryder.

"Amir, Melnik, take a walk. Before you say something else you'll regret," he said.

"But, Ryder, we had your back. I didn't mean for all of that to happen. I was—"

Her breath hitched as she started to turn away. Her clenched jaw holding back all the confusion and hurt.

"Fuck off," Tao growled.

The pair got the hint and walked away. It was only then Ryder felt she could breathe again. He turned and faced her. "You don't have to do shit. What they did to you is fucked up. Nothing they did after changed that. They have to face the music for their actions."

"But—"

"Ryder," he slowly and deliberately placed his hands on her shoulders. Her muscles tensed under his touch. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to. There is a system in place. State facts. Let the Alliance handle the rest."

Ryder's jaw twitched. Her hand coming up to rub her face. Tao's hands tightened, squeezing her shoulders. "This is all fucked up."

"It is, it all is."

"People in the cargo bay, this is your captain speaking. We will be docking at the Citadel in 15 minutes. Please make sure you don't leave anything behind," a voice came from the overhead speakers. "Our stewardess will be by to collect your headphones and blankets—"

"Joker!" another voice from further away the mic came on, it was unmistakably Shepard's.

"Oh shit, the stewardess is here and is pissed. This is your Captain signing—"

The voice was cut off abruptly. Ryder sighed. "Time to be a soldier again."

* * *

Shepard watched as the entire bunch disembarked. She was glad to have the space back again, but that meant it was back to Geth hunting, again.

"Commander," Pressly called.

She turned to her XO. "This is the shore leave rotating schedule," he said as he handed her the datapad.

She glanced at it. Pressly did a better job than she could, there was no real need to check his work. But she could see Alenko hovering out of the corner of her eye. _Shit. I should talk to him. Avoidance is just shit for both of us. But maybe, time is all I need. Just more time spent together, who knows maybe more sex. Then, it will happen._

She glanced over at Alenko. He nodded at her, pretending to be overseeing the departure of their rescued civilians. She bit back a sigh. _Fuck._

"All good, Pressly. I have to go back to the Alliance HQ for some errands. You have the ship till I get back."

"Commander," he said with a curt nod and left.

As soon as Pressly left, Alenko approached. "Do you think you'll have time for some drinks?"

"Sure, I'll catch up with you after?" she asked, her guts twisted. Shepard couldn't quite place why it did that. Was it merely nervousness, or apprehension but of what? It was complicated and confusing. And she dealt with it like everything of this nature, she shelved it.

Shepard walked out and saw a small squad of MPs waiting. One of them, a sergeant judging from the strips on her uniform, approached baby Ryder. The three other men stood apart as words were exchanged. Eventually, baby Ryder snapped a salute and the other MPs slapped omni-cuffs on two of the three men, leaving only the lance-corporal standing.

She read fear and guilt all over the arrested men's faces. Not men, they were boys. Ryder's face was a mask, her body was a spring coiled to snapping point. Sighing, she diverted her attention back to her work.

* * *

Ryder couldn't put a word on how she felt as the MPs arrested Amir and Melnik. Her guts churned and she felt sick. Somehow she felt she had done something wrong. She had done everything right, but it was still her fault.

"It's fine, we'll take care of things from here," the MP said, giving Ryder a reassuring squeeze on her arm.

And they marched Amir and Melnik away. Any words they needed to say had been said. Another officer came and took the civilians off her hands. She snapped her hand up in a salute and the office returned it. "Good job, Corporal," he patted her on the shoulder and said. "You're a credit to the uniform. Your father would be proud."

Ryder blinked and could only nodded and accept the praise.

 _My father… Of course, they would find out if I was related. Will he be proud?_

She couldn't picture it. Alec Ryder smiling and telling her that. It was inconceivable. And then they were carted off to the medical office first. Scans and examinations were carried out. Everything was in order. They were separated and put into windowless rooms. Food and coffee were provided. She ate one and left the other.

Eventually three people entered. Ryder swallowed as she counted the strips and stars on their uniforms. The lowest ranked was a Commander, the highest an Admiral. _What the fuck did I do? Is this where they arrest me?_

She snapped to her feet, right hand snapping a salute. "At ease, solider," the Commander said. "My name is Yeira Antar, and this is Major Vea Clarke."

"Ma'am," Ryder greeted, nodded at both of them, her eyes flicking over to the admiral. His short cropped hair was grey and he was sporting a neatly trimmed goatee. His eyes met hers. A pair of steel blue eyes took her in, evaluating and calculating. Ryder straightened in her seat.

Antar didn't introduced the admiral so she bit her lip and kept her silence. Datapads were stacked onto the table. The major leaned back against her chair, while the admiral took the corner of the room. "Shall we take it from the top?"

Ryder talked and talked and talked. She had never uttered so many words back to back by herself in her life before. Her throat grew parched, her mouth dry. As distasteful as coffee was to her, she drank it just to keep herself from going completely hoarse.

Antar and Clarke took turns, each questioning her. "You were given a direct order, why didn't you follow it?" Clarke asked, her fingers steepled before her.

"It would have been easier, safer to sit tight in the control room. Lieutenant Walker made himself very clear." Antar pointed out.

Ryder explained. The more she talked, the surer she was her reasons were merely excuses and in the end, she had committed a grave mistake. _I'm sorry, Kovács._

"What about Amir and Melnik?" Clarke pressed. "Do they have ties with Cerberus?"

"They tried to rape you. Is it premeditated? Did you provoke the attack?" Antar asked, her fingers tapped on the datapad.

Ryder's brain was fried, her words had dried up. Eventually the pair of them had ran out of questions as well. She had been interrogated, questioned and debriefed. Even though she had been sitting all day, her wounds were hurting again, signalling she had missed the next dose. Her stomach, on the other hand, remained strangely silent despite a biotic's appetide.

The commander glanced at the admiral, seeking permission. He nodded at them. As they left, taking their datapads along with them, Antar said, "Corporal Ryder. From everything we have heard, you have performed above and beyond the call of duty. It was through your quick action that the casualties were as low as they are. I can safely say you don't have to worry about anything. And know that Lieutenant Walker will be under investigation."

It was too little too late for those who didn't make it. But Ryder felt a small vindictive thrill of satisfaction that Walker would suffer some kind of consequences for dismissing her concerns. "What about Private Amir and Melnik?" she blurted before thinking twice.

Antar glanced at Clarke. "We will take their action under your command into consideration, but it will be determined by the board."

With that, they swept out of the room. It was then the admiral peeled himself off the wall. Ryder's breath caught. _Round two?_ She ran her hands over her face and tried to look somewhat more alive than she really felt.

"Corporal Ryder."

She straightened. He waved a hand at her. "At ease, Corporal. I know the severity of the injuries you have taken in defence of the Janus base. Just relax."

"Yes sir," she replied, unconvinced, not quite trusting the admiral's words. What could an admiral possibly want with her?

"Your father is Alec Ryder?" he asked.

She blinked. A small spark of confusion kindling in her chest. "Sir, I think you know the answer to the question," she said. "What is this about?"

"Your father is a good man. He might be a little lost at the moment, pursuing certain undesirable avenues because of your mother's condition."

 _So this is about my father? What does the admiral think I can do?_

She frowned, confusion was fast turning into frustration. "I can't—"

He waved her hand, dismissing her words again. Her jaw tightened. "I'm not here about your father. I'm here for you."

"Me?"

"Your squad will never be put back together. Two of them facing court martial, the rest of them killed in action. That leaves you and Lance-Corporal Tao," he went on, glancing at his omni-tool. "Let me amend that. Lance-Corporal Tao has taken the medical discharge. This time tomorrow he will be honourably discharged on medical grounds."

His words hit her like a sledgehammer. But she knew it. Tao had wanted out. He didn't keep that a secret. After what happened at Janus, how could she blame him for taking the out. So she was a loose end for the Alliance.

"What does that mean for me?"

"Reassignment as you can expect," the admiral said. "In fact, pending my approval, you will be getting your new orders in a few days. After you clear your psyche evals."

"Sir," she said, "Where will I be reassigned? Will I be going back to my old squad?"

"No, they have a full platoon now. You have been requested by name for your new assignment. So take your grief counselling and ace that." The admiral stood and extended a hand to her.

She took it, his skin rough and worn. It was a pair of hands that had seen action and had been on the frontlines. His grip firm and sure as she returned it. "Yes, sir." she took a deep breath and asked, "May I ask, sir? Why are you doing this yourself? This isn't a job for an admiral. I am nobody important regardless who my father is."

The admiral smiled, it felt stiff as if it wasn't something he did often. "I expect you to go far. You're a Ryder, coming from a family of distinguished Alliance military. You're a biotic. And your record shows leadership qualities and a willing to put others before self," he said, listing them out on his fingers. "You will be the future generation of warriors defending humanity."

Ryder bit her lips. It felt like she was being fed a PR line but why would an admiral do that. _Who the fuck has already put in a request for me? Is Pa pulling strings? Dead-ending my career?_

"In any case, report to the medical officer tomorrow. You have the rest of the day free," he said.

"Thank you, sir," she snapped another salute.

"Hackett," he said, half way out the door. "Steven Hackett. Give my regards to your father."

"Thank you, Admiral Hackett."

* * *

"That's all, Corporal," the doctor said, putting his datapad down.

Ryder pulled the cuff off from around her arm. It had been used to monitor her vital signs. Biotics tend to undergo a stricter evaluation than the usual grunt. After all nobody wanted an unstable biotics in an Alliance uniform. It was going to be bad PR.

"I don't see why I can't sign off on this. Get yourself checked out by the MO, once they give you the ok, you're good to return to active duty," he went on, turning around to turn off the camera aimed at her as he conducted his interview.

Ryder sighed and nodded. "Will do."

The first day was completely burnt by the debriefing. She collapsed in her assigned bunk as soon as she escaped. She had been too exhausted to eat or shower. The second was spent going through mandatory grief counselling. It was conducted en masse. Tao was there, seated at the other end of the classroom. She yawned her way through the session. It was only the psych evaluation she needed to pass so she wasn't keen to listen. Two hours later, they were freed.

"Tao!" she called out.

He grimaced as she approached. "Hey Ryder."

"You're just going to not say anything about it?"

He rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. "I don't know how to say it so I'd thought it was better to be lost among the shuffle," he confessed.

"Damnit, after what we went through. It's just you and I left of the Janus squad. There is nobody else. I…" Ryder clamped her mouth shut. She had lost her words. Hurt, lost and angry, her hands balled into fists.

"I'm sorry. I am an asshole," he said. "I just don't want you to think I've abandoned you. I thought it would be better you think I was reassigned somewhere else."

"Yes, I'll feel so much better thinking that, Tao," she spat.

For a moment, they stood outside the classroom, the other attendees walked around them like they were two stones in a stream. Ryder used to have an anchor. It was her platoon when she first enlisted. Then, it was her squad at her first assignment. The anchor shifted from squad to squad, but now she had lost it. She was untethered. Her emotions were waves pounding against the hull of her heart, its intensity frightening and confusing.

 _How long did I know Tao and the others? It wasn't that long. But why?_

She looked away and exhaled, trying to force her bubbling emotions down. Tao grimaced and sighed. "So what are you going to do?" she asked eventually.

"Cash out, grab Ryan, find a nice colony, have a family," Tao replied. "I can't go back to combat. Not after this. It has been too close. I almost made Ryan a widower. I don't want that."

Her eyes met his. "I get it. Just… don't disappear on me," she almost pleaded. "I don't want to feel like I am the solo survivor. I'm not. You made it too."

"I did," Tao agreed, opening his arms.

Ryder stepped into his embrace as he tightened his arms around her chest. "It is all thanks to you that I made it. Thank you for everything, Ryder."

Hour later, after her psyche evaluation, she reported to the MO and got her final sign off. "Get your omni-tool reactivated by tech guys and get supplies from the quartermaster. You're free to use your time as you see fit until you get your orders."

 _Finally. I should have time to pop by Ma's for a visit. At least for a few hours before curfew._

Settling down at her bunk, she changed into an outfit as civilian like as she could manage. In the end, she settled for a simple black tank top to go with her BDU pants and boots. She lost everything on Janus and she would have to buy some new clothes and supplies before she head off on her next assignment.

As she left the Alliance barracks on the docks she activated her omni-tool. It was then the flood of frantic messages came in. Her omni-tool buzzed and beeped non-stop for at least two minutes straight. She had only to skim a couple to realise what was going on.

Message after message from Scott. Each one more hysterical than the last. The last one was just a single word "Please." Her stomach dropped to the floor.

"Oh fuck. I forgot about the message."


	16. Home is Where the Heart is

Chapter 16 - Home Is Where The Heart Is

"I did pull some strings—"

Ryder's steps faltered, her backpack in her hand. She was all ready to rush into her mother's room to announce her presence.

"-supposed to be safe—" the voice went on.

Her breathing came hard and fast. She had all but ran her way home after realising her massive blunder.

"You never care for—" another voice replied. "And now she is—"

Ryder gulped. That voice was unmistakable. It was her mother's. But it was hard and harsh, sandpaper scrapping across skin. She'd never speak to Scott or herself this way, that would mean her father was home. Ryder's heart thudded hard against her chest. _Is he mad?_

"I do, I do. I know—" her father went on, his voices muffled through the layers of plastic and steel. "-that I don't care, but—"

 _Are they talking about me?_

"Do you? I can't tell and I think neither can—" her mother's voice turning sharp and angry.

A thrill ran down her spine. She eavesdropping just by standing here but her curiosity was strong.

"-is fine but you are not!" her father shouted, his voice laced with desperation and despair. "My work will save you!"

Ryder's jaw tightened. She had never _ever_ heard so much emotions from her father before. Alec Ryder had always been a man of control. He was a master of his emotions, he was never one to show when a hint of how he felt, beyond anger, disappointment and irritability. Alec Ryder wasn't human, not truly. He was more machine than man.

But in that instant, she realised he wasn't angry, he was bitting his tongue so that his emotions didn't come spilling out. Everything he felt, whatever he truly thought was all locked away in his head. He wasn't the perfectly trained Alliance soldier that he made himself out to be.

 _Maybe, Pa doesn't really hate me. Maybe…_

She couldn't let this go on. These words weren't meant for her ears. She took a deep breath and called out as she stepped into the corridor that led to the rooms, "Ma, Pa!"

Silence, heavy and still, hung in the air before a split second later her mother shouted, "Sara!"

Despite how much AEND had ravaged Ellen Ryder's body, her voice remained strong. Her stumbling feet covered the distance between the room and Ryder as quickly as they could. She dropped the backpack she was carrying and caught her mother before she fell.

"Sara, you are alive," her mother sobbed as her arms tightened around Ryder, hands tugging at Ryder's stiff uniform, clawing at her back desperate and frantic. "You are alive!"

Guilt flared in Ryder's chest as she buried her face into the crook of her mother's neck. "I'm sorry. I'm fine now. I'm ok."

Her mother pushed away and cupped Ryder's face in her hands. Fingers pressing against her cheeks as if to make sure Ryder was real and not a ghost here to haunt her.

"You really are here. I thought the batarians have killed my daughter!"

Ryder flinched, but she pulled her mother back into a hug. The batarian incident was more than a year ago. It was what prompted her promotion to corporal. She squeezed her eyes shut.

 _Ma is here. She is alive. What does it happen if she remembered the wrong thing?_

When she opened her eyes again, she found her father looking at her. His grey eyes icy and cool, but there was something strange in them. It was something she had never seen before.

It was relief.

He stepped forward and squatted to bring himself down to their level. His hand reached out and landed on her shoulder. Ryder flinched. She held her breath, her eyes darting between her father's hand and his face. Something wordless, something old, something she had yearned for flared in her chest. Her jaw tightened, she knew better than to hope. But her heart betrayed her. Her lower lip quivered before she could bite down with her teeth. He looked away, breaking their eye contact but his hand squeezed her shoulder, once.

The void his hand left broke a dam within her chest. The floodgates opened as she buried her face into her mother's chest. She cried. It wasn't any one thing, it was everything. The deaths, the lives, the hurt, the pain, the confusion. It all poured forth in a wordless grief.

* * *

"How could you forget?" Scott demanded. "You fucking forgot that you've sent me your fucking goodbye note?"

Ryder sighed. She knew this was coming and she didn't blame Scott. He had quite a scare after all.

It was the first thing she did after gathering her mother up and putting her to bed. The reunion was emotionally draining for both of them. Her father was nowhere to be seen after. She sent a message to Scott while sitting on her childhood bed, telling him to call whenever he had time so that he could scold her.

"I mean, I fucking lost ten years of my life thanks to you!" he yelled.

Ryder watched as he paced back and forth from her dinky little terminal she used to use for school work. It was late by the time Scott called, near midnight Citadel time. As eventful the day was, she was too tired to sleep as oxymoronic as it sounded. The shoulder that her father had touched tingled even hours later. It was the most contact they had in years. The last time was when he had was training her in hand to hand combat. She was only a child then.

"Are you even listening?" Scott demanded.

She blinked. "Sorry, I was just… It's just a long day."

He grumbled under his breath. "All right, I'll forgive you this one time. Just don't do this to me again."

She grinned. "I promise."

"Want to talk about it?" he asked, his voice hush.

Scott didn't have the clearance to receive the report she had filed but something must have travelled down the rumour mill. A base completely lost to Cerberus wasn't a minor detail after all. "How much do you know?" she asked.

"Nothing beyond the bare details."

"Pa didn't inform you when he knew?" she asked.

Scott shook his head. "He might not have the clearance to share. I don't know."

Ryder took a deep breath and said, "Grab a chair."

In the end, she poured it all out in a way she didn't with the grief counsellor. The Alliance grief counselling was a joke, conducted as a group for a bunch of soldiers who had more pride than brains, it was never going to really work. Maybe it was because she was just a lowly corporal, maybe things were done differently for N7 operatives, those who had seen real shit. The Alliance was in the business of churning through its recruits and retaining the Shepards of each generation. The rest were canon fodder for the batarians and pirates.

There was only one thing she held back. The attempted sexual assault was still too raw, too personal to share even with Scott. Maybe her father knew, it was in her report after all, maybe he didn't. It didn't really matter since they didn't have the kind of relationship anyway.

The touch was a fluke. It had to be. Ryder couldn't afford getting her hopes up. The anger of rejection was still there. A single touch didn't erased the past 20 years but she responded regardless. Her heart yearned for what her mind rejected.

Scott was subdued when she finished. "Fuck, Sara. I don't know what to say."

She chuckled. The sound bitter and dark as liquid tar. "Me too."

"I mean… Shit. I—"

"Scott, it's fine. I'm still processing it all. And I'm really tired, maybe we should end this here?" she asked. "Unless you're not done scolding me?"

He rubbed the back of his neck, looking really uncomfortable. She took pity on her brother and gave him a small smile. "I mean I know I deserved it. I should have tried to contact you earlier."

"You'd think, yeah?" Scott snorted. "But I can see you have a lot on your plate at that time. I'll let you go. Please don't send me messages only when you're dying next time, all right? Your big brother worries for you."

Her lips curled into a small smile, they had fallen back into old patterns, grooves well worn by years of a shared childhood. "12 minutes doesn't an older brother make."

* * *

That night as she slept fitfully, her eye lids twitched, her mouth twisting, a shadow stood at her door watching. The figure had their shoulders stiff and straight, their military bearing unmistakeable. In the gloom, grey eyes were oddly soft as they took in the sleeping figure on the bed. Their arms tightly folded against their chest as if holding back their emotions. They took a deep breath as their eyes hardened again.

"I'm sorry." they whispered before exiting the room, leaving no trace of their presence.

Ryder slept on, trapped in a nightmare, unaware of her visitor.

* * *

Her back against the wall. The air was still and quiet. Dust motes danced silently in the air. It was still early, maybe a couple of hours before the day cycle officially start. The wisps of an old nightmare tugged at her mind. Her mother, blood pooling at the kitchen, her sobbing as she tried to staunch the bleeding.

Ryder pressed her fingers against her temple. It seemed that her brush with death had rattled something loose in her head. Or maybe it was just being home, being back in her old cage.

She sighed and leaned her head against the wall. The curled edges of the poster tickling her back of her neck. She shifted her head to glance at the picture. Riley Shepard, Hero of the Blitz, the newly minted human Spectre and Saviour of the Citadel, stared back down. Having met the real woman, Ryder couldn't help admire Shepard more than she already did. The deeds were larger than life but the woman, the soldier, the leader was down to earth. The woman too had her ghosts haunting her. It was humbling to know even heroes were human.

She took a deep breath, the recycled Citadel air tasting fresher than it ever had in years. "I'm alive. That's what matters."

* * *

Her head jerked as she nodded off. Ryder inhaled sharply and blinked. It was well and truly the day cycle now. Light was streaming through the window. Skycars were zipping by outside. The Citadel was awake.

"Sara, breakfast's ready," her mother's voice drifted through her closed door.

She stretched, her neck and shoulders were stiff from her sleeping posture. Her ribs protested, reminding her that she had missed her dose of painkillers the night before.

Though the apartment was quiet, she could hear her mother puttering about in the kitchen. Something was playing from the audio system. Calm soothing piano notes and soothing strings drifted over. "Morning," she greeted as she stepped out of her room.

She hesitated when she saw an unfamiliar face in the kitchen. The salarian intercepted her before she entered the kitchen. "You must be Sara. I'm Astin Izoro, Ellen's home care nurse. I've heard so much about you." she said without taking a breath, "Ellen always had stories to tell me."

Ryder smiled. "Good stories I hope, Izoro."

"All you military types," the nurse chuckled. "Call me Astin. Ellen always has stories of her little hero."

Her smile waned a little. Astin seemed to have picked up on the change in mood. "I'll give you two a little privacy," she said, patting Ryder on the shoulder before retreating to the living room.

"Sara!" her mother exclaimed over the music as she entered the kitchen. "You should have your breakfast."

 _Let the years we're here be kind, be kind_

Ryder's eyes darted over to the ham and cheese toast that her mother had made. Her heart lurched oddly at the sight. It was one of her favourites and she had never tasted better anywhere else. The sight served only to remind her of the time lost because she wasn't home.

 _Let our hearts, like doors, open wide, open wide_

"You're going to be late for school," her mother chided.

Ryder stiffened. Her jaw tightened. Eyes darted to search for Astin. The nurse was nowhere to her seen.

 _Settle our bones like wood over time, over time_

"Sara? Are you all right?" her mother asked, approaching. Concern and apprehension were etched all over her face.

Ryder forced herself to smile. "Yes, I should. Let me go clean up first."

 _Give us bread, give us salt, give us wine_

After washing up, she slid onto a chair. The cheese was melting perfectly between two slices of buttered and pan fried toast. The scent made her mouth watered.

"Come on, tuck in." Her mother handed her a fork as she took the seat opposite her.

Ryder looked at her mother, really looked. There was grey where previously there was none, lines and creases where it was once smooth. Even her eyes, always keen and sharp were now dulled by something more than age. Guilt weighed heavy on Ryder's chest.

"Ma, I want to skip school today."

Her mother frowned and narrowed her eyes at her. "Your grades weren't very good this past semester," she said sternly, her hands on her hips. "And eat."

She speared one of the slices and started eating. The saltiness of the cheese and ham, mixed with the starchiness of the bread was the taste of home. Ryder was never really one to miss home much. Her home was only a cage, a source of frustration and rejection. It was so closely tied to her father that she lost sight of her mother. This was where she was nurtured, this was where she grew up playing with Scott, this was a place of laughter and fun. It was more than the pain and tears.

Ryder wanted to remedy that while she was still here, while she was still home, while her mother was still able.

"Fuck, my grades. Let's go watch the latest Blasto movie and eat the best junk food we can find."

"Language, Sara," her mother chided but a mischievous grin lifted the corners of her mouth.

* * *

Three days, that was what she got. Ryder spoke to Astin before she took her mother out for their girls' day out. The salarian was reassuring but matter of fact at the same time. There was nothing much her mother couldn't do. Other than making sure she took her meds on time, and making sure she wasn't left completely unsupervised, everything would be fine. The fainting spells and dizziness were manageable with the medication. The only major worrying factor was the lapping waves of her memories as her mother drifted years in a matter of minutes.

Ryder was determined to make the most of it. She was going to ship out soon again, There was no way to know when she'd be able to do this again. If the caress of Death's fingers across her heart taught her one thing, it was to seize the moment. It might never come by again.

She leaned back against the chair. They were enjoying the artificial sun of the Citadel at the alfresco seating area of her mother's favourite cafe. Apollo served a variety of different cuisines, chief among them was an asari seafood dish her mother loved. At least that was the best she could remember from her teenage years. Ryder had no idea if her mother's tastes had changed in the intervening years.

"Sara, how did you know about this cafe? I really want to try this asari dish they are known for," her mother gushed.

Ryder smiled, relaxing as her mother went on. The energy and the life it sparked in her mother's eyes made it all worth while.

It was like looking back in time at the young woman her mother once was, the woman that she was before Ryder and her brother came along. This was the woman who was at the forefront of biotics and eezo research, the woman who bore twins and was the pillar of their household, the woman who pushed her out of the door and helped her find her place in the world.

This was Ellen Ryder, her mother.

By the time the waitress arrived with their orders, her mother had gone onto discussing the Blasto movie they had watched earlier. Ryder tucked into her order of an asari and human fusion crayfish pasta dish while her mother hummed her delight with every bite of the spiced grilled fish kebab and flatbread order.

This was peace, or as close as Ryder had experienced in the past couple of years. It was this moment. The gentle heat of the Citadel beating down on her face, good food warming in her belly and the company of her mother.

But all good things had to come to an end.

The change in her mother's demeanour was sudden. The tension ran across her shoulders and neck, her eyes darted wildly as her fork faltered between mouth and plate. The piece of fish fell with a splat back onto the plate.

"Ma," Ryder asked cautiously, Astin had warned her of these signs. "Is everything ok?"

Her mother flinched as if realising she was sitting opposite her all this time. Ryder's heart did a flop. There was no sense of recognition there.

"Did you see my daughter? She is just five. She has brown hair like yours. She is this tall," she said as she lifted her hand to gesture about table's height. "She just had her implant surgery, she shouldn't be running around on her own but you know kids."

The sheepish yet worried smile her mother flashed her cracked the mask she put on. She swallowed, hoping the lump that was forming in her throat to go away. "I… I'm sure she is just playing with her brother," she said, knowing how unconvincing she sounded. "Her father must be watching her."

Her mother sighed and seemed to be vaguely reassured by her words. She slid a hand across to take Ryder's into her own. "Thank you, for listening to a tired mother and her rants. But between you and me, my husband isn't the best with kids," she said as a look of frustration and anger crossed her face. "Especially when it came to dealing with our daughter."

 _Fuck, I don't want to know. I really do not want to know. Please don't tell me he never wanted me, please don't tell me he hated me. Please._

Something in her eyes must have communicated how fervently she was repeating the litany in her head. Her mother gave her a tight smile and straightened. "Please excuse me, I need to use the wash room."

Ryder sat and watched helplessly as her mother stood and disappeared towards the ladies. Astin's voice echoed in her head. "She cannot be left unsupervised. It is heartbreaking for her to not recognise you but she will be scared and alone. You will need to be there for her, maybe you're not her daughter in that moment but you will be the helpful stranger. Remember, she needs you."

Her instinct was to run. That was what she had been doing for years since she was 16. She ran, hard and fast and never returned. She had been selfish for years. Scott had been here, watching how their mother slid into this slow decay of her personhood. Hell, even her father was there for her mother. She was the bird that flown the coop and forgotten about the person who set her free.

Ryder gritted her teeth and stood. As hard it was to throw her heart into the fire again, this wasn't about her. This was about her mother. She stood and walked towards the ladies. Her body stiff and all hard edges as she leaned against the bar that bordered the entrance to the washrooms.

There was an asari bartender cleaning the glasses. Her brown eyes sharp and evaluating as she eyed Ryder. "Tough day, kid?"

Ryder took a shuddering breath and nodded.

"Here." A glass filled with a finger of brown liquid slid towards her. "Name's Aethyta. What's yours kid?"

"Ryder."

"I asked you for your name, not your father's."

Ryder sighed. "Sara, Sara Ryder."

Aethyta hummed. There was the telltale sound of recognition in that sound but she didn't followed up with the usual questions. Instead, she asked, "You're going to drink that?"

Ryder peeled her eyes from the washroom's door and looked at the drink by her hand. As she reached for it, Aethyta covered it with a blue palm. "Wait a minute, how old are you exactly? What's the legal drinking age for humans? 50? 100?"

She chuckled while Aethyta frowned. "I'm 20 and I'm old enough to drink."

Before the asari could change her mind, Ryder drained the glass and grimaced. She coughed. "What is this?"

"This? One of my new cocktails, I call this the Bitterness of Life."

With tears standing in her eyes as she struggled to find her voice, she croaked, "Fits."

Aethyta snorted. "Of course. Kid, just an advice from an asari matriarch, 25 times your senior or so, cherish every moment you have. It only hurts because you are alive."

Ryder blinked. "What are you, a walking inspirational poster?"

The asari rolled her eyes before jerking her chin in the direction of the washroom. "Remember what I said."

She sobered up quickly when she realised her mother was approaching. Her jaw tightened. "I will," she sighed. "How much for the drink?"

"On the house, kid," Aethyta said dismissively.

Ryder held her brown eyed gaze for a moment. There was a flash of regret, of chances missed, of opportunities lost and most of all grief. She gulped. "Thank you, I appreciate it."

Before Aethyta could speak, her mother exclaimed, "There you are! I was looking all over for you, Sara."

* * *

Ryder's orders came in earlier that day. She was to report to D42 at the Alliance docks tomorrow at 0600 hours. That was roughly 24 hours away. It put a dampener on her plans. She had intended to take her mother out for a nice little picnic lunch at the Presidium gardens. It would be restful as they people-watched and ate. At least, that was her intention.

Now, her mood had taken a dive. Logically, Ryder knew this time couldn't last. She had to return to duty. Well, the Alliance bureaucracy had caught up with her. Resisting the urge to check which garrison or ship she was assigned to was easy enough, she just wasn't in the mood.

Ryder had rose early to make breakfast. She figured she would do her best to make up for all the missed Mother's Day, birthdays and reunion dinners into the short time she had. The orange glow of her omni-tool cast a warm light in the kitchen. The acknowledge button blinked slowly. She stabbed at it with a grunt. The message winked out.

Ryder braced herself against the island, bread, ham and eggs all arrayed before her. In the tiny island of domesticity and calm, the long arm of the Alliance had reached out and tapped her on the shoulder. There was a part of her that felt relieved. It was an out, it was her escape. It was the blinkers she had pulled over her eyes all this time. But after having this tiny slice of normalcy with her mother, could she pull them back on again?

 _No, fuck this. Cherish every moment I have._

Once decided, she straightened, pulling the frying pan from the cupboard and set about making breakfast. By the time her mother had emerged from her room, and was led to kitchen by her nose, the smile she was graced with, the hums of delight as her mother ate made it all worth it.

That evening after Astin left, they were just sitting on the sofa watching a movie together. It was one of those 21st century movies that used to be one of her favourites when she was younger. Her eyes followed the action but her heart wasn't in. Ryder sighed.

"What is it?" her mother asked. "You have been sighing all day. Is it that turian boy again? Have you been fighting?"

Her mother had been stuck in the past the entire day. In a way it was easier to deal with than flicking across different years. For her mother, today was just another day. Her daughter was home after school, another day where her little girl felt like a freak among normals. It was her everyday.

"Come here," her mother said gently, pulling her close, patting her lap.

Ryder's eyebrows rose. "I'm a big girl."

"But still my little hero," she replied easily. "Come on."

With an insistent tug, Ryder allowed herself to be guided to lay her head on her mother's lap. Her mother's fingers worked a little to undo her pony tail, brown hair fell across her face and shoulders. The slightly bony, slightly unsteady fingers threaded through her hair, pushing them away from her face. Ryder closed her eyes, allowing herself to relax, to enjoy the sensation. Her mother started humming softly.

For a while, behind the darkness of her closed eyes, she was 15 once more. She was hovering on the verge of leaving the only place she had ever known, leaving everything behind for the unknown.

The stroking faltered. Ryder stiffened, sensing a shift again. She bit her lip and waited.

"Sara…"

Her name drifted like a line cast out into the river. "Ma," she whispered. "Is everything ok?"

"I… Sorry," her mother said, clearing her throat. "I've drifted again haven't I?"

"Yeah." Ryder shifted to sit up but her mother pressed her down.

"Stay like this. It's been a while since I had you in my lap," her mother whispered. "I've missed this."

Ryder took a deep breath and sighed. "Ok."

She closed her eyes as her mother pressed her lips onto her forehead.

 **Lyrics taken from North by Sleeping At Last**


	17. New Assignment

Chapter 17 - New Assignment

Ryder stared at the ship. "No."

She glanced at her orders again. The words "Docking Bay 442" glowed on the screen. She looked at the white painted numbers that ran along the docks. 422 was large and unmistakable.

"I must be hallucinating," she muttered, ready to seek out the dockyard master. There must have been a last minute change in the docking arrangements.

"Corporal," a voice called.

Ryder turned and realised the Gunnery Chief. She snapped a quick salute. "Chief."

"At ease, Ryder," the Chief replied, an easy smile splitting her face. "I'm glad to see you on your feet again."

"It's all thanks to you, ma'am. Without you and the Commander, I wouldn't be standing here. I'm grateful."

"None of this ma'am shit, Ryder. Name's Ashley Williams," she replied. "But Chief works just fine."

Ryder couldn't help but grinned. She remembered how Shepard and the doctor had made sure she didn't "ma'am" them around either. The Chief was tall and imposing, sculpted muscles rippled under her skin as she put her hands on her hips. She cut a powerful figure. Somehow the Chief was a little more intimidating than Shepard.

"You look a little lost there just now, something is the matter?"

Ryder gestured at her omni-tool. "I was told to report to Docking Bay 422 and here I am but there must be some kind of mistake."

"Why is that?"

"I mean, the Normandy is docked at 422. I can't be assigned to her. I think there must be a mix up in my orders."

Williams chuckled. "There is no mistake. You're expected and that's why I'm here. Come on."

"But…" her voice trailed off as Williams walked away, fully expecting her to follow.

If this was a cartoon, Ryder's jaw would have hit the floor. She'd had to suffer the indignity of scooping it up and dragged it along behind her. The guilt at leaving her mother temporarily shunted aside, she followed Williams like a lost puppy. Her eyes wide, taking in the sleek lines of the Normandy. Reinforced steel plates, superior shields capacitors, IES stealth system and Tantalus Drive Core, it was the best of its class. Actually, it's totally unique. The Alliance had been in the midst of building another since the SR-1 was effectively assigned for Spectre business. The point at the tip of the Alliance's spear. And she was assigned to it.

No, she was requested by name. _Surly, not the Commander…_

As she approached, she spotted the telltale red hair belonging only the Commander of the Normandy. Shepard stood relaxed, her hips cocked and hands gesticulating at someone. Ryder's footsteps faltered. She would recognise that set of stiff shoulder and ramrod spine anywhere. She had seen it a million times, always facing her, always ahead of her.

 _What is Pa doing here?_

Williams stood a respectful distance away while Shepard curled a finger in her direction. Ryder tightened her grip on her duffle bag and she stepped towards them.

"Sir," she greeted. "Commander."

Her father merely grunted. Shepard grinned. "I see you found your way to the ship without trouble."

"It was no trouble, Commander. I path found my way to the ship without any problem." She was happy to gloss over her disbelief of her orders.

"That's reassuring to know, baby Ryder."

Ryder winced while her father's only reaction was a sharp intake of breath. If she didn't enjoy the nickname, she doubted her father was a fan of it either.

"Shepard," her father's voice sliced through the air of joviality. "Is there any reason why you need another biotic on board the Normandy? You already have a full complement of biotics on your roster."

The smile slid off Shepard's face as she eyed her father. "Have you been checking on how I run things, Ryder?"

"I'm just curious why you'd want yet another biotic, and specifically my daughter, on board your ship."

"So this isn't a social visit? Not a father seeing off his daughter?"

"No."

Shepard snorted.

This was really unnecessary. Ryder was completely irrelevant to this conversation, she really didn't need to be here for this. But she gritted her teeth and stood at ease like the good little soldier she was. Swallowing her frustration at her father, she kept her eyes fixed in the middle distance. Ryder wished the floor would just open up and swallow her whole.

Her father stood ramrod straight, as if bending was beyond him. His grey eyes boring holes into Shepard'. The Commander on the other hand looked almost blasé about the entire situation.

"Ryder, as a courtesy to you, seeing as you are Baby Ryder's father," she said, folding her arms across her chest. "I want her, specifically her, because she is a good soldier. It doesn't matter if she is a biotic or not. She led her squad under extreme conditions. She used her mind to think and not just follow orders blindly. I value that in my people."

Ryder clenched her jaw, fighting to keep the grin off her face. It wasn't everyday a certified hero praised her in front of her fiercest critic. It took real effort not to glance in her father's direction to fully enjoy his expression. His pulse throbbed hard against his temple. Ryder held her breath, she knew harsh words hovered on her father's lips. If this it was her defying him, she'd had crumpled under the weight of his disapproval. But this was Shepard, a different woman, a stronger, far more capable one.

"Does that answer your question?" Shepard asked, her chin raised as she stared down her fellow N7.

He grunted, though he was by no means convinced. Instead, he looked at Ryder. She fought the urge to take a step back. Instead, she drew herself up to her full height, meeting her father's eyes. "Sir."

"Don't disappoint me, Sara," he said simply before nodding at Shepard and turning on his heel.

It was just a single sentence but it carried the weight of all the ways she had failed to live up to his expectations. Her brow tightened as she watched him walk away from her, like all the other countless times he had. She was home for days and she had never seen him after that first night. _Why the fuck is he avoiding me?_

A sigh escaped the Commander. "Is he always like this?" she asked, a frown creasing her brow.

Ryder couldn't hold back herself, she snorted, unsure how she was expected to answer. But it seemed the question was merely rhetoric. "Come on, let's get you situated," Shepard said, turning back to the ship.

* * *

Shepard was beyond annoyed. Having Ryder the elder judging her decision was completely uncalled for. But the way baby Ryder had reacted to the entire situation, she could tell there was history and context she was missing out on. Still, it didn't change her decision and her prerogative to requisition people the Normandy needed especially since her ground squad had been severely downgraded with the departure of Vakarian, Tali'Zorah, Wrex and T'Soni.

During the hunt of Saren, she didn't have many marines on board, just the bare minimum. She didn't have time to put in the paperwork and wait around for them to be filled. Now, the Normandy had returned to an all Alliance crew, she wanted to take the chance to fill it with capable people.

Shepard checked her roster. Baby Ryder filled the remaining hole she had. She would be leading fireteam Delta while Williams would lead Charlie. Alenko and herself would lead the spec ops team Bravo and Alpha respectively.

Glancing at the names tagged to Delta, Solarin, Díaz and Teo, they were all fresh on the Normandy. Picked up during their resupply while the Alliance sorted out the paperwork for transferring baby Ryder on board. A quick glance at their service records revealed nothing problematic on the surface. They all had exemplary records coming from boot. For Ryder, coming off an assignment that went so sour, the Normandy would be a good place to get her feet wet again.

She leaned back against her chair. Shepard had a feeling about baby Ryder. At a glance, she was just like any other Alliance grunt with her brown hair and eyes, the only remarkable thing about her was her biotics. But her service record spoke of a good soldier who thought on her feet, and acted with good instincts. The young Corporal had steel running in her bones but it couldn't all be leaning on the Ryder name. The report her squad had given during the debrief was proof enough.

But the record was also ridden with plenty of altercations where she was written up. The reason given time and time again was the same. Biotic prejudice. It was something Shepard had faced before but her time on the streets had taught her the value of stepping on someone's neck early so that she didn't have to deal with the never ending pettiness.

The streets had taught her to value what set her apart. Everywhere else told her different. Shepard never felt the need to conform. It was her advantage, her unique selling point if you would. After all, if she was good, it didn't matter if she didn't quite comply with everything. The Brass and the Council had to listen to her. The Blitz showed them and she learnt to put on the mask for the press. Taking Saren down must have proved it to them once and for all.

Shepard cast her eye on Ryder's service record, looking but not reading. _She has potential and she needs some guidance._

It was a feeling she didn't have for a long time. The last time she felt this way about someone was back on Earth when she met a feisty little girl while she was running with the Reds. Her jaw tightened. The past was the past, there was nothing she could do to change things. She would do better here. She sighed and stood. Decision made, she tapped on her terminal and the orders were issued.

"And now back to our regularly scheduled programme of geth hunting," she muttered wryly under her breath.

* * *

Ryder was overwhelmed. She had a CO that had personally requested she joined them. Admiring Shepard from afar was one thing, working with her was another. It was intimidating, more than the Chief's physique she had decided. The Chief and LT Alenko were both members of the crew that took down Saren. This was working with heroes who were semi-celebrities themselves.

Ryder was keenly aware that her fireteam were looking at her. Awe made them all slack jawed and bug-eyed. She cleared her throat and their jaws collectively clacked shut.

"At ease," Shepard said. "Walk with me, Ryder."

Ryder peeled herself away from her squad. Shepard led them through the doors of the cargo bay towards the elevator. She hit the button and called for the elevator. "How are you getting used to the Normandy?"

"It's great, mad—" Ryder said, before putting the brakes on her tongue when she saw Shepard's eyes narrowing. "Shepard."

A smirk parted her lips as Shepard nodded for her to go on.

"I've not served on a ship of the Normandy's class. Commander, it is a real privilege to be here. I won't let you down."

She chuckled. "I know you won't. The real work will begin soon as soon as the retrofit of the sleeper pods are complete."

Ryder nodded. She had seen the workers coming and going as they took out the old pods and putting in bunks that had better sound proofing and the ability to get some semblance of privacy.

"I appreciate not being forced to sleep standing up," she said.

"You don't want to ever do that. I have no idea what the original designers were thinking when they decided to put those in," a voice chirped in.

"Williams," Shepard greeted as Ryder said, "Chief."

"Shepard, Ryder," The Chief replied. "I'm glad you're getting rid of those things. So when are we leaving?"

"The best estimate is in 24 hours. Then we will be off to the Ondeste system."

"Isn't that in the Terminus?" Ryder asked before she could stop herself.

For a while neither Shepard nor Williams spoke. She took a deep breath and said, "Sorry, Commander. I didn't mean to be questioning your decision. It won't happen again."

Shepard grinned. "It's fine. I won't tolerate that when we are on the field, or when I am conducting a mission briefing. Everything else, I'd prefer my soldiers to think than accept orders blindly. Of course, you use your discretion when and how you question my words. I'd leave it to you to interpret that."

Ryder gulped, wondering if she had shot herself in the foot on the first day, again.

"All right, I'm sure you have your assigned duties. I won't keep you from them," Shepard said as she boarded the lift. "See you tomorrow bright and early."

Ryder blinked before turning to Williams. "Chief, why is the Commander seeing me bright and early tomorrow?"

"The LT didn't clue you in?" Williams asked, head cocked.

Her ever-widening eyes was her only response.

The full bellied laugh that erupted from the Chief's mouth could only be described as a chortle. "There is no need to be alarmed. Shepard just spars with the biotics on board."

Ryder couldn't help rubbing the back of her neck, fingers brushing against the raised bit of flesh where her amp was. "You know? You're ok with this?"

She snorted. "Why wouldn't I be? If I can get used to a krogan farting in the Mako while I wasn't wearing my helmet. What is the big deal with working with biotics? Biotics or no biotics, you are Alliance, a Marine like us. You bleed red too. "

"With Shepard around, everyone is forced to see things a little differently. She is not the typical Alliance CO. You'll find out soon enough," William clapped a hand on Ryder's shoulder and squeezed.

As the Chief left, Ryder couldn't help the feeling of lightness in her chest. The constant low level anxiety having to explain to her fellow squad mates that yes she was Alec Ryder's daughter, and yes she was a biotics. It had left her coiled tight like a spring whenever she started a new posting. It would get better or worse depending on the reaction of the squad. But there was always that one asshole.

With the tension gone, Ryder straightened her spine and took a deep breath. The recycled air of the Normandy somehow tasting fresher. For the first time in a long time, she felt accepted.

Ryder tugged at her BDUs and returned to the Cargo bay. She had a squad to get to know.

* * *

As ordered, bright and early, Ryder rose. Shift C was still in effect. She just had enough time to freshen up, changed into her PT gear, pouring a glass of water down her throat before showing up at the cargo bay.

The crates of supplies from the previous shifts were all cleared out or lashed down on racks. A wide open space dominated the cargo bay. Ryder wasn't the only one looking a little lost at the situation. She recognised Ramírez from Charlie team. The dusky skinned Lance-Corporal was hesitating at the threshold. Ryder stepped up to her back and asked, "First time?"

Ramírez nodded, eyes a little wide.

Ryder suppressed a snort of laughter as she wondered if she had the same look on her face. She put a hand on Ramírez's stocky frame and squeezed her shoulder. "Me too," she confessed. "Come on. I think they are waiting for us."

Ryder led the way towards the small group of people gathering inside. Shepard was dressed in a black tank top with a small N7 logo stitched over her right breast. Her black tights ended mid-thigh. Her red hair braided up and pinned out of the way. She nodded a greeting at them as she went through her warm up.

The LT was dressed in the Alliance standard issued PT gear, a white t-shirt bearing the Alliance logo and a pair of black shorts. She blinked and kept her eyes averted from Alenko's rather shapely legs. Ramírez nudged her and grinned. She chuckled. The LT cocked his head and asked, "Something on my face?"

Ryder shook her head. He handed both of them a ration bar. "I'd assume neither one of you had eaten yey?"

They nodded. "You should eat something. Especially before one of these sessions with Shepard."

"Is that a complaint I hear, Alenko?" Shepard asked as she stretched, touching the floor with her opened palms without any trouble.

"No, Commander. Just letting the newbies know the realities of training with you."

Shepard laughed as she straightened. There was a thin sheen of perspiration over her brow. "All right boys and girls, we have two newcomers to our little training session here. So let me introduce everyone."

She jerked her chin at a lanky fair skinned man. "That's Dworak. Say hi to the ladies."

He rolled his eyes and waved.

Shepard turned to point at the muscled asian man. "That's Arashi—"

"Hi ladies," Arashi greeted before Shepard could finish her sentence.

Dworak laughed. "Always the ass licker huh?"

Arashi lifted his chin. "At least I follow orders."

"All right, all right," Shepard said, raising her hands, "settle down boys. And that's Alenko, you should know him already. I'm Shepard."

The LT snorted at that. "Commander, you need no introduction, you're the poster girl for the Alliance. I'm sure these ladies got your poster plastered in their bedrooms."

Shepard narrowed her eyes, glancing at them. Ryder couldn't help the blush that crept up her cheeks. She groaned. "Way to make a lady feel old, Alenko."

The others laughed in varying degrees. She shook her head, hands on her hips, her stance wide. "Maybe so. Still, we wouldn't want my head to get any bigger right?"

Ryder smiled. It was like being back at the pre-enlistment biotics camp. The sense of camaraderie was like a warm blanket over her shoulders during cold nights. The easy laughter and the causal ribbing felt natural.

"Anyway, that's Baby Ryder, the one with the ponytail and Ramírez is the one with the buzz cut."

Ryder winced. This nickname was going to haunt her forever. Shepard's grin grew wider when she saw her reaction. "If you don't like that nickname, show me what you're made of later."

Shepard got her paired up with Ramírez. And they all started with the basics. Pulls, Pushes, Barriers as Shepard folded her arms and watched. After that, Shepard pulled them out and they observed the others working. Arashi was slinging powerful waves of biotics with abandon while Dworak was all finesse and precision. Alenko was a good balance between the two.

Ryder watched the more experiences biotics worked. Shepard shuffled and leaned against the crate next to her. "He is holding back," she said.

"Madam?" Ramírez asked.

Shepard's frown was immediate. Ramírez blanched as Ryder whispered, "Shepard or Commander, never madam."

"Do you want to try again?" Shepard asked, her smile was toothachingly sweet.

Ramírez cleared her throat. "Commander, why did you say that?"

Shepard sobered up immediately. Ryder listened as she walked them through the techniques each of them were using and how it differed from biotic to biotic. Most of the things Shepard pointed out were things she had never heard from an instructor. Since she started biotics training first as a private student with an ex-Alliance instructor, then later with the Alliance, Ryder always had formal training. But Shepard was pointing out all the dirty tricks of the trade.

"Now, it's your turn," Shepard said, pointing at the both of them. "Baby Ryder, are you still a baby?"

Ryder grinned. "Open your eyes and watch."


	18. The Dead Sleep Uneasy

Chapter 18 - The Dead Sleep Uneasy

Ryder scrubbed her eyes and sat up. At least she tried to when her head met the ceiling with an alarming crack. Someone chuckled. "Another one bites the dust," the voice said. "Want to bet it's one of the newbies?"

"No bet. It _is_ one of them."

Ryder ground her teeth and pulled the panel that separated her from the rest of the ship open. She stuck her head out and glowered at the pair standing there.

It was Taumata and Ulva. One of them was a giant of a woman, Taumata. She stood towering over the more petit Ulva. Both of them had shit eating grins on their faces. And both of them were N-school graduates and they both outranked her. Ryder swallowed the irritated growl in her throat and pulled herself out of the pod.

Taumata and Ulva fist bumped. "Morning, Corporal," Ulva said, ruddy cheeks pulled to turn her eyes into half moons as she smiled.

"Morning, Ulva." she replied as she hissed, feet coming into contact with the Normady's ice cold plated floor. "It's a little early for human interaction."

Ulva chuckled. The giant of a woman that was Taumata clapped a hand against her shoulder. Ryder staggered at the impact. "Don't worry, you'll get used to the new pods soon. It's way better than the old ones. To sleep standing up is awful."

"So you guys have been telling me. I had a proper bed at my last posting," she pointed as she hastily pulled on her boots.

"Yeah but I bet garrison life is boring?" Ulva pipped up.

Ryder stiffened as she pulled a fresh set of BDUs and towel from her locker. "You know, boring would have been good. Cause when it got exciting, people die."

The pair of them sobered up immediately. "Hey, it's just a joke, no offence meant, Ryder."

Ryder's jaw was tight as she slammed her locker shut a little harder than she meant to. "None taken. Sorry, I… It's just too early for chatting. I'm going to head off to the showers."

Her story was still too raw, too fresh. And it didn't feel right to share. She hadn't bother checking what happened to Melnik or Amir after their court martial. Whatever it was, she wished them well. They had survived something horrible, it had left a mark on all of them.

She stepped into the showers, unlaced boots clomping on plated grates. It was still early, way too early. The showers were mostly empty except for one shower head splattering water just out of her view. Most of Shift A should still be asleep. Ryder wondered who was up as early as her.

Last night's sleep had been bad. She had a chance to call Scott just after her shift. Retreating to as private a corner she could find on the Normandy, she munched on a ration bar as she listened.

* * *

"Can you believe it?" Scott asked, her view of his face jerked as he shook his hand angrily.

She pressed a hand against her mouth. This vid-call between them was going to give her motion sickness if he kept this up.

"Let me get this straight. You're being transferred?"

"Yes!" Scott snarled before sighing deeply. "I just got here like a few months ago. I get this promotion and they are saying they are sending me away. _Not_ to get my training, mind you, done, so that the promotion can be finalised, not to an exciting new post like yours, but to the fucking Citadel."

His nostrils flared as he took deep breaths to calm himself. His eyes lifted to meet hers. Anger, frustration and most of all, she saw, jealousy. She inhaled sharply but bit down on her tongue, not wanting to read into the look too deeply.

"So the Citadel? Will you be assigned to Udina?" she asked eventually when it seemed like Scott had ran out of steam.

"Who knows? I doubt I'll even get to be his coffee boy. At least that sounds a little more exciting."

"But you can do a lot of good on the Citadel," Ryder pointed out. "You'll get to see the inner workings of the Council and the like."

"And do what exactly? Are they going to ask my opinions before they pass galactic laws?"

Ryder scratched her eyebrow before letting her hand fall. She had no answers for him. The reassignment smelled fishy and she had told him as much. The conversation she had overheard between her parents niggled at the back of her mind. There was no doubt her father was pulling strings behind the scenes.

 _Why would Pa do this? Something about keeping Scott safe? But why? He isn't in any danger. What the fuck is going on?_

"I wish our places were reversed," Scott said, his voice quiet and resigned now.

The words dragged her from her thoughts. Her jaw tightened. "I can't believe you fucking said that."

Scott's chin jerked up. His brow creased in a frown. "You got the best posting. You have seen combat against mercs, against slavers while I am being trapped here, safe and fucking sound. Now you are on the fucking Normandy with the great Commander Shepard," he spat. "What's not to like about where you are now?"

Ryder growled. It was a sound made of suppressed fury and tightly contained rage. She looked away, feeling her pulse throbbed against her temples. Her breaths came deep and harsh as she squeezed her eyes shut, trying to lock the memories away. Kovács's head exploded like a watermelon behind her eyelids again. Rough hands slammed her head against a wall making her see stars. She pressed the heel of her palm into her eye as she fought the shudder that ran down her spine.

"You do not get to say that," she spat. "Not you. You do not want this."

Scott's jaw was set. He was too angry to back down now. Ryder didn't want to end up screaming at him via vid-call. They were nearing Ondeste tomorrow. She was tapped for the mission. She really didn't need this today.

"I've got to go," she gritted out. "We'll talk again when you have your head fucking screwed on right."

Without waiting for a reply, she terminated the call.

* * *

Shepard was all business. Her face bore no sign of her signature smirk. Her manner brisk as she waited for them find a seat. Her almost luminous green eyes swept across the room and nodded tightly.

"We've entered the Ondeste system," she said.

Ryder tapped on her omni-tool to bring up the holo-map that was projected. She wracked her brain about Ondeste, but nothing came to mind. It was just another system in the Crescent Nebula. She glanced about the room. Not the all combat teams were here. It seemed that Shepard had only tapped Delta and Alpha for this, but she spotted the LT sitting in as well.

"So," Shepard said, her finger stabbed at the holo-map. The view shifted and zoomed into Zesmeni, the first planet orbiting Ondeste. Ryder shifted in her seat and concentrated. "There have been reports of geth activity in the system but in particular Zesmeni. Scans have shown a large facility near the equator on the northern hemisphere. We will be making landfall to check it out and destroy it."

Shepard's chin lifted as she looked at the LT. "Alenko, you will be staying on board. You're in charge of the reinforcements if we need any. Delta and Alpha will join me for this mission."

The LT nodded, his arms folded across his chest. The rest leaned forward as Shepard laid out the plans. Ryder's heart rate picked up despite not doing anything beyond sitting and taking notes. It was an odd mix of the anticipation of impending action and the familiar clenching of her guts that came with fear.

"You have three hours, see to your gear."

With that the group was dismissed. Ryder filed out with the rest. As she passed the LT she heard him called out. "Shepard, we need to talk."

Maybe she had imagined it but she swore Shepard grimaced. Before she could question it, Teo called out. Ryder turned to attend to his needs. Her squad came first. She had prep to see to. Shepard's reaction to the LT's words was none of her business.

* * *

"Looks asari," Solarin said. Her voice was slightly distorted coming through her helmet. The muscled and compact Private led the way with her rifle.

"Yeah, sure does," Díaz replied, his eyes scanning the darkened facility warily.

"It looks seriously eerie. It's like we're trespassing a tomb," Teo chimed in.

Ryder's jaw tightened. The place was reminding her of the Sinon minus the burning drive core and blood trails. "Let's move people. The Commander is counting on us to find the power. And get this place turned up and running."

"Aye, ma'am," the trio replied.

She winced, starting to realised how distasteful it was to be called ma'am. But the field wasn't the place to address this, she kept her mouth shut and walked on.

The facility was clearly asari in origin. Her helmet HUD was translating all the words she directed her eyes at.

"Corporal, check this out."

Ryder stepped forward and saw the elevator shaft. One hand gripping the edge as she peered down. It was a black hole, a solid mass so deep her suit's lights weren't able to penetrate the inky darkness. She looked upwards, the elevator was at least two level above them. Without power it wasn't going to move.

"Looks like we're going down, people," she declared.

Solarin groaned. "I was afraid you'll going to say that, Corporal."

Ryder snorted behind her helmet. "Come on, we're burning time."

* * *

Arashi flicked the safety on and off. The click-click sound echoed slightly in the cavernous facility. It was setting her teeth on edge but Shepard kept a firm grip on her irritation. Every soldier dealt with waiting differently. Ulva leaned against the wall, head lowered. Shepard's eyes narrowed as she wondered if she had caught a soft snore from the Specialist.

"The baby is going to come through?" Arashi asked.

"Maybe we should have brought the Chief along to babysit her huh Commander?" Ulva suggested.

"Are you questioning my decisions on the field?" Shepard asked them, glowering at them through her helmet.

"Ugh, no. Just…" Arashi hastily waved his hands. "She's new."

"And so is her team. They might be too green," Ulva continued.

"And you're still doing it," Shepard pointed out. "She's young but not new. And neither is she green. Both of you see the gold she managed to pull off from the shit show on Janus."

Both of them nodded. Before Shepard could continue, the lights snapped on and the facilities' life support systems kicked on. The large double doors' holo lock flickered to life.

"What did I tell you?" she said with a grin.

"Never doubt the Commander," Ulva said, smacking a hand against Arashi's arm.

"What! You were doing it too!" Arashi cried indignantly.

"Ulva, get to work. I want to be behind those doors ASAP," Shepard cut in.

If she had kept her mouth shut, the pair could go on all day. She shook her head and wondered where had the standards of N-School had plummeted to.

Her omni-tool out, Ulva got to work.

* * *

"Contact! Contact!" Teo screamed.

His voice was drowned out by the explosion from Díaz's grenade. Ryder winced. The high pitched whine, as the speakers struggled to clip the overly loud frequencies, sent a screech straight to her ears.

"Alpha, this is Delta, we have encountered…" Ryder's voice trailed off as she hastily Pushed against the LOKI mechs that were flanking Solarin's position. "hostiles. Engaging now."

"Deploy drones, Solarin!" she barked as she jerked her hand in a series of signals.

Solarin nodded and Ryder watched a series of Advanced Assault (AA) drones zoomed forward. She watched with grim satisfaction as the drones opened fire, cutting them down in quick order. _Where the heck did they come from?_

After descending into the underground levels, they realised the facility wasn't as unused as they thought. The surface levels' apparent disuse was merely a ruse. Though they hadn't encountered anyone, there were signs of people vacating the premises hastily.

"What the fuck have we walked into Corporal?" Díaz hissed, his eyes scanning the scattered datapads and still smoking terminals.

Ryder shook her head. She had no answers. "Move out, the Commander is counting on us to get power back online."

Things only took a sharp corner after the generators were turned on. Though saying that they turned it on was putting it mildly especially considering Solarin spent a good 15 minutes cursing as she worked her magic.

Then all hell broke loose. LOKI mechs were all honing in on their position as they defended the power generator room.

"Commander, orders?" she shouted.

"—yder," Shepard's voice crackled, cutting in and out.

"What's disrupting our comms?" she shouted.

"The mechs are generating a disruption field!" Solarin yelled back.

Ryder gritted her teeth and shifted forward. "Cover me!"

Díaz and Teo concentrated fire on the mechs as she darted from cover to cover, trying to get to the blast doors. Bullets plinked against her barrier but it held.

With the mechs bunching together, they had set up an effective killing zone but there was just too many of them. They would get overrun eventually. "Singularity!" she shouted as she pushed her arms out.

Her amp buzzed as the dark energy uncoiled from her core. Blue licked up her arms as the Singularity slammed into the mechs. Gravity was suddenly inverted as the mechs was yanked into the air.

They wasted no time. Rifle bucked in her arms as Ryder's fired. The more mechs they destroyed, the clearer Shepard's voice got.

"Ryder!" Shepard bellowed. "Come in!"

"Commander," she replied. "The comms are being disrupted by the LOKI mechs. Clearing them out now."

For a while, Shepard was spitting out orders as fast as the rat-tat-tat of a rifle. "Hold down the fort there," she barked. "Charlie is incoming."

"Roger," she acknowledged. "You heard the Commander!"

* * *

"Ryder," The Chief called. "We need some help over here!"

"Teo, Díaz," she barked. "Concentrate fire down that corridor. We'll going to wipe those fucking mechs out."

She waited for the varying acknowledgements from her squad as she poked her head up from cover and sent a Warp at the nearest enemy. A quick burst of three shots took down its armour and the next burst shattered its ballistic panels. With a grin on her face, she Pushed it. Tiny arcs of electricity erupted from its exposed wiring. As it sailed through the air, it slammed into its fellow mechs that were getting cut down by Teo's and Díaz's fire. On impact, the entire group exploded.

"Nice one," Williams laughed, before turning to her own squad. "Ramírez, up front and give me a barrier! Rai, Kaiser, link up with Delta."

It didn't take long before they mopped up everything in the level. Ryder tapped against her comms. "Solarin, all good back at the generators?"

"Easy, peasy, boss," she replied, a light tapping came as she rapped an armoured knuckle against one of her drones. "Me and my boys are holding down fort."

"Commander," Williams was already on the comms with Shepard, reporting their success.

Ryder listened with half an ear. She was more concerned with Teo. Taking a quick jog over to him, she found him staggering a little. "Shit," she muttered under her breath as she caught him in her arms. "Are you ok?"

He groaned a little as she lowered him to the ground. "One of the mechs caught me in the thigh."

Quickly she keyed her omni-tool to his suit and checked. She sighed. "You'll be fine. Just a little burn. Once we get back, go see the doctor. She will sort you out. Meanwhile," she said as withdraw a pack of medi-gel from her suit and inserted into his, "this should help."

Teo closed his eyes as the medi-gel hit his system. She glanced at Díaz. The shotgun wielding soldier nodded at her. "I'll make sure he stays in one piece."

"Ryder!" Williams barked, a frown visible through the clear slit of a visor on her helmet. "The Commander wants you on the surface. Rai, Kaiser, go with the Corporal."

Ryder nodded. "Solarin, sit tight at the generators, Charlie is coming to you."

"Got it."

She took off at a jog as Charlie's Rai and Kaiser were hot on her heels. This time though the elevator was working, she opted to take the stairs. With LOKI mechs crawling around, she didn't want to take the chance and get trapped in an elevator with them.

"Commander," she reported in. "What is it?"

Shepard had her helmet off, her red hair plastered against her forehead from sweat, her braid curled over one shoulder. Her armour was blackened in spots from explosions she had been too near to. Ryder couldn't help admire the hard matte black surfaces of the armour. But most of all it was the N7 designation emblazoned on her chest, the trademark white and red stripes that ran down her right arm.

Ryder couldn't help but wonder if she would get to go to N-School one day. She couldn't see herself being able to use her biotics and not be judged for it outside the Alliance. So if she was going to be a lifer, why not be the best? After all, Shepard had proven that even biotics were welcomed if not desired in N-School.

Shepard scrubbed her face with one hand, heedless of the soot she was smearing across her face. "Ryder, come take a look at this."

The Commander led her towards one of the shuttles docked in the bay. Ryder looked at it. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. She glanced at Shepard who jerked her chin at the shuttle again. One eyebrow rose in response, Ryder turned her attention back to the shuttle and walked around it, looking and observing. For what, she had no clue. It looked a little familiar but then again shuttles all looked rather similar form one to another.

She stiffened, her circuit around the shuttle coming to a halt. "No."

Shepard sighed, pressing her hand against her temples. "Yes," she said. "If you recognise it, then there is no doubt."

"It's the same one?" Ryder asked, realisation was like a biotic blast slamming into her chest.

"I've taken a scan. I'm waiting on the VI's confirmation. We got a good look as the Normandy was approaching Janus. But, yes, I think this is the Cerberus shuttle that took off with the Prothean artifact."

"Fuck," Ryder hissed, starring at the shuttle with something akin to hatred.

The hard edges of her gauntlet ground together as she clenched her fist. Shepard stepped close and put a hand on her shoulder. Through the armour, Ryder felt nothing but the weight. "Pull yourself together, soldier. Use that anger," she said. "We got a crime scene here now. This is no geth facility that's for sure. Go see if you can get any intel off the shuttle. We just might be able to track that artifact down."

Ryder took a deep breath, meeting Shepard's eyes. She nodded and got to work.

"The dead will not die in vain," Shepard said. "As long as the survivors make sure of that."


	19. Dreaming of AI

Chapter 19 - Dreaming of AI

"What?" Ryder exclaimed.

Her eyes cast about the mess hall, suddenly realising she was being loud. Williams' eyebrows rose, her head lifted in a silent question. Ryder shook her head and turned her attention back to Scott. "Did I hear that right?" she asked. "An AI?"

"Your ears work fine, Sara."

She took a deep breath and exhaled. A hand scrubbed her face harshly. She hadn't been sleeping much since Zesmeni. Though it wasn't really her job, with the discovery of the Cerberus shuttle on Zesmeni, she took it upon herself to work the intel. It owed it to every single person who didn't make it off Janus to get that fucking artifact back. Even if she couldn't retrieve it personally, she didn't want Cerberus to have it.

And now Scott called her with this news. She squeezed the bridge of her nose.

"Are you sure?" she asked.

Scott frowned. "Of course I'm sure. What the fuck did you take me for?"

Ryder waved her hand in apology. "It's just… If he was truly meddling with an AI, he would have gotten into trouble with the Alliance by now."

"Pa has quit."

"What!"

This time Ryder stood abruptly. Her chair scratched against the floor. All eyes turned to her. Ramírez and Alenko shot her curious looks. She reddened and walked away in search of a secluded corner. What Scott said must be true then. There was no reason why their father would ever quit the Alliance. He was the dictionary definition of a lifer.

"When did this happened? Did he tell you?" she hissed into her omni-tool.

"He didn't tell me. I've heard about it after my transfer to the Citadel. One of my CO was practically taunting me about it," he replied softly, his eyes looking everywhere else but at her.

Ryder stopped. She looked intently into her omni-tool, trying to meet her brother's eyes. These signs were familiar. "What happened?" she whispered, something must have gone wrong. "What did you do?"

Scott grimaced. "How is it that you know such things?"

She shook her head and repeated. "What did you do? Did you punch your CO?"

He sighed, his hand rubbing his forehead as he nodded.

"Fuck, Scott. Are you getting court martial?"

He grimaced but shook his head. "It didn't happen on base. I was out having drinks and well…" He shrugged eloquently.

"So another thing swept under the rug by the Ryder name?"

"I guess Pa still have some pull but that's not the point."

"What is the point, Scott? Pa playing with some AI? Him quitting the Alliance? What is it?" Ryder asked. The lack of sleep and stress of the news was getting to her.

"Yeah I'm pissed that Pa's extracurricular activities got me shit-canned. This posting on Citadel must have been related. I'm sure about that. But Pa said this will help Ma. She don't have to die. AEND doesn't have to be terminal." Hope, thin and threadbare as this was crept into his voice. Scott's grin was infectious.

Ryder could feel herself giving in to the tantalising hope that he dangled in front of her.

 _Can it be true? Ma can be cured? But an AI? How does that even work?_

She took a deep breath.

 _What's wrong with a little hope? Pa loves her, he will fight like hell to save her. Any one of us would. He isn't made of stone. He cares for her. Maybe this will work?_

Lifting her eyes to meet her brother's, she smiled. "What are the details?"

* * *

Shepard stifled a yawn. It wouldn't do for the crew to see her this tired. She glanced at the chronometer on her omni-tool. It was way past midnight. Shift C was just starting up and she really should go to bed. She had to be up in less than eight hours. Chakwas wouldn't be happy to know she was still working.

She kneaded her brow with her hand, trying to ease the tension there. Zesmeni had caught her by surprise. Cerberus, not geth, seemed to be dogging her steps for a long time. And they were not letting up. Taking the prothean artifact from Janus was par for the course when it came to Cerberus. But this time the Normandy had a chance to putting things to right. Not coming in at the end after the dust had settled, the innocent all dead and simply mopping up the assholes. She relished having the chance to pay them back for all the shit they had done.

Shepard knew her hands were bloody but it was by no means as red as the ones Cerberus had. Memories of a city slowly decaying, ruled by gangs and blood flashed across her mind. She rubbed her eyes. "I must be fucking tired," she muttered.

As she stepped into the mess, intent on getting her dinner since she missed it earlier, she paused when she saw baby Ryder sitting alone.

"Why are you up?" she called out. "You're on Shift A."

Ryder jerked her head up as if caught doing something she shouldn't. She narrowed her eyes at the Corporal as a grin took up residence on her lips. It was just too easy with baby Ryder. She was so serious, so straight forward.

"Commander, I was just looking through something," she said as she hastily stood up.

"Sit down, since you're here, you can eat with me," Shepard said, gesturing at the table.

Ryder nodded and took her seat again.

"Beef and noodles, fish and rice, chicken and potato, tofu burger," she muttered under her breath as she looked at the available selections on the food dispenser. "Any of these good?"

Baby Ryder shrugged. "I've tried the fish one. It wasn't that bad. But the chicken one is the worst."

Shepard's eyebrow rose and stabbed the chicken option. Ryder gaped at her. "Why did you pick that?"

"What most people thinks is the worst is usually my favourite."

Ryder's brows rose incredulously. With the reconstituted food goo in hand, Shepard slid into the seat opposite Ryder and she tucked in. Ryder couldn't take her eyes off her. Curiosity had taken hold. Shepard made exaggerated noises of satisfaction as she ate. The Corporal shuddered as she grimaced. Shepard laughed.

Ryder turned her attention back to the datapad in her hand. Her eyes darted across the pad in a steady pace. Left to right and down, then rinsed and repeated. A frown was steadily tugged against her brow.

Shepard dropped her spoon back into the bowl with a clack. "What are you reading?"

Ryder pursed her lips as she pushed the datapad towards her. She glanced down and scanned the document. There were a few key words that stood out. "AI" being the first and "Alec Ryder" being the second.

"Your father has been developing an AI?" she asked carefully.

Ryder grimaced and nodded. She held herself stiff as if waiting for a blow. She blinked blankly for a moment when it didn't come. "Are you not going to say something against AIs?"

She shrugged. "What am I supposed to say about them?"

"That they are bad, that they are illegal, that the Ryder name is getting flushed down the toilet."

Shepard straightened and looked at Ryder, really looked. The dark rings around her eyes were not getting any better. The crease between her brow at the grand old age of 20 looked like it was going to stay for good. The taut tension that ran through her neck and shoulders screamed of stress.

"Look, baby Ryder, AIs are dangerous but they are no more dangerous than you or I," she said as she braced her forearms against the table. "They are always going to be the creations of organics. So effectively we are their parents. In this case, Ryder, your father, is their parent. If he treated them fairly, teach them right from wrong, there is no reason to think they would turn out like the geth."

Baby Ryder snorted, derision filled the sound. "My father isn't the best around."

"I've gathered but who is perfect? You don't get to pick who your father is, you can only make the best of the situation. I mean who am I to say? I have no family of my own so maybe I am not the best judge of such things."

Ryder reddened, her mouth opened and closed as if speaking was beyond her at the moment. Shepard grinned. "It's fine. You can't miss what you never have right?"

"Still, Commander. I'm sorry. I didn't meant to be digging into your past like this."

"It's fine. Anyway about the AI, yes I'm sure it isn't welcome news for the Alliance. Your father has to tread carefully. But fearing an AI for the sake of it being an AI, that's just stupid. And no different from what others see in us, biotics."

Ryder nodded. "Yeah, my father has quit."

She cocked her head. "Never thought I'll see the day. Ryder is Alliance to the bone."

"It's probably untenable. It has already taken my brother's position on Arcturus Station. Though he is angry but he is pinning his hope that this AI can help cure our mother's disease," Ryder said as she rubbed her face. "I hope you don't mind having a Ryder on board the Normandy."

Shepard frowned, folding her arms across her chest. Ryder sobered up immediately. "Sorry I was just making a—"

"Ryder," she said, interjecting over the Corporal's hasty attempts at an apology. "Shut up."

Fresh-faced and oh-so-fucking-serious Sara Ryder clamped her lips shut, pressing them into a thin line. Shepard resisted the urge to smirk. "Look, I am not in the habit of caring about what others think or do. I requested you to join the Normandy because I think you have potential."

Ryder blinked owlishly back at her.

 _How much more clearly must I spell it out for her?_

"I don't simply ask people to join my crew for the fun of it. I demand the best from everyone here so I only settle for the best. You are merely at groping at the edges of what you are capable of. I tend to apply you to the task at hand like the asset you are."

She stood and reached across the table. Her hand pressed firmly against Ryder's shoulder. "Get some sleep, shift starts in less than eight hours. I don't want to see a single yawn from you," she said. "We have bigger quarry to chase than your father and his AI."

* * *

Weeks passed like days. Ryder spoke to Scott as often as she could. Private conversations with family rate low on the comm buoy queues on an active warship. So chances for a face-to-face conversation were few and far between. Mail slung across dark space was the best she could do.

Scott settled in at his new posting. His CO never failed to needle at him. The assault was a sore point for both of them. Ryder feared the situation for Scott would come to a head eventually. He had never faced the black stain of a stigma clinging to him like a bad smell before. He might be familiar with the bullying she faced back in school but only in an academic sense. With the Ryder name as corrosive as it was now, and their father's AI activities made known, it was no wonder he was getting such treatment. There would always be people who wanted to toe the party line in the loudest way possible.

Ryder blinked as she read Scott's latest mail. Apparently, their father had been at this for a long time, leaning on his contacts to hurry the process along. Desperation laced through the laundry list of things he had done so far.

 _Pa, what other secrets are you keeping?_

All those time she assumed he had been hiding in his work room wasn't just hiding. He had been working on the AI. An entity he was willing to spend more time with than his own family, the living breathing one.

She grunted, mentally shoving the old emotions away. Hand running over her face and tugging her hair tie loose, brown hair fell loose. The tension eased a little but it still stung.

 _But if this helps Ma…_

Ryder turned her attention back to the mail. It had gone from complaining about the latest slights he suffered to news from home. Despite medication keeping the worst of her mother's symptoms at bay, she spent more and more time drifting and confused than lucid.

"Ma has been admitted into long term hospice care. I will be in touch with the doctors."

Those words pulsed, burning into her retinas, even as she squeezed her eyes shut. _Everything was fine just fucking weeks ago!_

She stood. Wincing as the chair screeched across the floor. Solarin raised an eyebrow at her. She shook her head and left the crew quarters. They didn't need to hear her frequent sighs and muffled grunts. Her feet moved in sharp and jerky motions towards the cargo bay. She was too keyed up for sleep, had too much pent energy to relax. It was a mistake to read Scott's message before sleeping. It never went well. She was frustrated, tension thrumming under her skin. Again, she was too far away to be there for her mother, too far away to help in any way, shape or form.

The cargo bay wasn't empty. Familiar red hair flashed under the harsh white lights. Crates were arrayed in a ring again. Ryder sighed, her plans thwarted she turned to go. _Maybe a cold shower will help._

"Ryder."

She spun.

Shepard was wiping sweat off her face with a towel hanging over her neck. A pair of green eyes regarded her before narrowing a little. "Spar. Now," she called.

Without waiting, Shepard turned back to the ring, popping a can of sugary energy drink open and draining it.

Ryder lingered at the threshold.

"Now, Ryder."

The bite of command unmistakable in Shepard's voice. She needed no further prodding. Ryder shed her outer coat, leaving her in a white Alliance tank top and her uniform pants. Shepard rolled her shoulders and worked her neck from side to side.

"Hand to hand, no biotics."

Ryder nodded. "Give me a sec to warm up."

"By all means."

She went through the motions, jumping and running quickly on the spot to get her heart pumping, stretching and pulling her muscles. Shepard's eyes were a constant pressure. It wasn't the unwelcome gaze like Melnik's but it was uncomfortable, intimidating. The back of her shoulder blades itched. The glint in Shepard's eyes was almost feral.

Ryder stood slowly, her hands pulling her hair into a tighter ponytail. Maybe it was the paper thin mask she had over her face, maybe she just reeked of weakness and vulnerability, either way she knew this was no ordinary sparring session.

"Ready?" Shepard asked.

Ryder nodded, green eyes meeting brown. A thrill ran down her spine as she clenched her fists. There was no signal, no starting gun. It felt almost like their minds linked telepathically.

Bodies surged into action, fists drawn back, legs pumping as they launched towards each other.

She roared a loud battle cry as she swung her fist, her left leading. She was confident in her hand to hand skills, she was after all trained by the one and only Alec Ryder, N7 and Alliance to the bone.

Shepard's red braid swung as she stepped out of the way of her first punch. An infuriating smirk perched on her lips. Before Ryder could growl in frustration, Shepard launched her counter attack. Her left fist snapping out, lightning quick. "Fancy meeting another southpaw here," she said.

Ryder bared her teeth in defiance, a weak attempt to hide her surprise.

"Come on, is that all you got?" Shepard taunted.

She danced away, keeping out of Shepard's reach. Both of them were of similar height, but Shepard was built more solidly than she was. Muscles corded and trained for combat in a way she wasn't. Reflexes and experience counted a great deal in the ring.

"Stop running and fight," Shepard snarled.

Ryder gritted her teeth and giving in to her frustration. She darted in close, taking blow against her ribs as she aimed a punch against Shepard's chin. A grunt of surprise and the Commander twisted to avoid it. There was no room. Ryder's knuckles caught Shepard's mouth in a glancing blow. She rocked backwards.

"I'm not running anymore!" Ryder spat, grinning as she saw the blow had split Shepard's lip.

"You satisfied with just giving me a fat lip?" Shepard asked, chin lifted. "You can do better than that."

Ryder's impotence over her mother's health, her brother's dead end Alliance career and her father's single mindedness boiled over. Fists flew, feet stomped, control frayed. It was unconscious, the drawing on of her innate biotics. The buzzing of her skin boiled over.

Blue flames blazed as she slammed her fist against Shepard. Ryder gasped as she realised what she had done. Before fist could come into contact with flesh, Shepard twisted her hand in a familiar mnemonic. A shimmering Barrier erupted around her. Their fields mingled and negated each other. Ryder staggered as impact blasted outwards.

"Commander," she started. "I…"

Shepard wiped the blood from her mouth. "It's fine. I've asked for it. I practically smashed your buttons."

Ryder exhaled, tension finally eased from her shoulders. Adrenaline unspent left her feeling jittery and shaky.

"Catch," Shepard tossed a bottle of water at her.

She caught it easily one handed. The cool water albeit recycled and filtered was refreshing. It hit her mouth and down her throat quenching the heat within. As she straightened, she found Shepard regarding her once again. This time it was a gaze gentled, almost protective.

"Want to talk about it?"

It was an open door. One that Ryder recognised that rarely opened for anyone, not this way. She was at once humbled and surprised. A shuddering breath rattled its way out of her lungs. Shepard walked over a hand lifted and hovering just over Ryder's shoulder. The confident and fearless commander looked awkward in that moment before she pressed a hand on her shoulder. The touch was warm, the way biotics tended to run but it was solid and present. It was there in a way nothing else in Ryder's life was. Shepard squeezed her shoulder once quickly before withdrawing, as if afraid it was unwelcome.

Ryder lifted her head to return the gaze. She nodded. "Yeah, I think I need to."


	20. Parent and Child

Chapter 20 - Parent and Child

Shepard looked in the mirror sullenly, eyes concentrating on the swollen lower lip that Ryder had split a few days ago, as she ran the Alliance issued toothbrush over her teeth. _An AI to fight a disease eating memories and sanity. Will it even work?_ She sighed as she spat the foamy paste out.

"Skipper."

She turned and saw Williams entering the bathroom. "Chief."

Both women stripped off their clothes and stood under the shower. Sounds of water and soap worked over skin bounced against the walls. The door hissed as it opened and closed. Booted feet clomped against the tiles.

"Oh shit, sorry. I didn't know you're using the showers."

Shepard glanced back and saw Alenko with his toiletries in his hands. His blush was colouring his cheeks. Before, she would have laughed and teased him. Now, everything was awkward and difficult. All the easy cool she had with him was lost after they got intimate.

 _Was that really it?_

She thought she had approached it without expectations. Just a first experience like all other first times. The beginnings of a dream long held close, once dismissed but nevertheless cherished and nurtured. Apparently she had a mile's length of expectations. She waited for the fabled fluttering of the heart, the butterflies in her stomach, the pining or the swooning. There was none of that and it frustrated her.

 _Is it me? Is he not the one? What fuck is going on?_

Frustration turned into anxiety and doubt that had nowhere to go. She stopped feeling comfortable. Every interaction felt fraught, everything held more meaning than she could see. His eyes followed her, watching and waiting, equally confused and conflicted albeit for different reasons. It made her feel guilty.

 _I shouldn't have accepted it. Love isn't going to work this way, but how the fuck was it supposed to work?_

She was a born fixer. And her favoured methods of fixing came in two varieties, the violent kind and the non-violent kind. Nonetheless problems tended to fall in the face of her solutions without too much trouble as long as she put her mind to it.

 _But this has none. This is not something I can beat into submission. Talking is hard if I don't even know what the fuck is wrong._

Shepard's jaw tightened as she turned back to her own showering. Williams called out, "LT, it's not like we've not showered together before. Just join in, as long as you're not too shy to."

Alenko chuckled. He must have blushed brilliantly cause Williams snorted in amusement.

"I'll pass. I'll be back in a bit after you ladies are done."

The two women went back to showering, washing the suds away. Shepard slammed her palm against the button, stopping the flow of water. Tension bunched her muscles tight as water rolled off her scars ridden skin.

In the quiet of the showers, her thoughts pressed hungrily against her skull. All of them clamouring for attention, all of them without solutions. The noise they generated was unbearable. It made her long for the hell and brimstone of the battlefield. At least there her solutions were clear. Talk them out of trouble or hit them till her problems give in or give up. It might be messy, but it wasn't complicated, it wasn't this hard.

Shepard sighed.

"You all right there Skipper?"

She lifted her head to see Williams towelling off, her brown eyes filled with concern. Shepard pulled the towel over her head, hiding her face from view. "I'm fine, Chief. Just had a sleepless night."

Williams grunted. It sounded less than convinced. "Cerberus?" she asked.

Shepard groaned and nodded, head still hidden under the towel as she rubbed the fabric vigorously over her wet hair. "Baby Ryder found something. We're heading over to check it out. But first we're swinging by the Citadel for a resupply."

"Still a baby huh?"

Shepard looked up, hair sticking out every which way. "Yep, still a baby. We sparred and she looked so stricken at giving me a fat lip."

Williams chuckled and nodded. "Ok, yeah. Still a baby."

* * *

Shepard tapped her feet. Waiting always chafed at her, but it was part of the reality of being a solider. _Hurry up and wait. Hurry up and wait somemore_ Only the reason behind the waiting changed. She braced her arms against thighs, datapad flipped end over end in her hands.

The Presidium was busy as usual. People came and went singly, in pairs or in groups. There was always a gaggle of first time visitors, usually humans, being led by a guide. The salarian guide was prattling on with the facts and numbers. She knew most of it must have gone over the visitors' heads. She had gone on one of these tours herself when she visited the Citadel the first time. Her eyes were busy devouring the sights and sounds to care about what the guide was saying.

Shepard chuckled low in her throat. It was a more innocent time. It was amazing she could to think of her time with the Reds with a sense of nostalgia. Her worries then seemed so simple now with hindsight. She had no care beyond herself then. Then when there was nothing there left for her, she shedded her past like a snake did its skin.

She jabbed her finger at her omni-tool. It was the only thing that held the remains of her life before the Alliance. _I really should get this data backed up._ Shepard shuddered at the thought of losing the data there. Among the many music files she had was a collection of holos, hidden under layers of mislabelled folders and documents.

The first holo flickered to life. A dog with one ear floppy, one pointed, tongue hanging out of his mouth, lips peeled back in a dog version of a smile stared back. Next to the dog was a kid, brilliantly Peridot eyes, a toothy grin, arms wrapped around the dog.

 _Commissioned art by Naeviss. Check out her Instagram, DeviantArt and_

She smiled at the sight. "I missed you buddy," she whispered, her finger reaching out to stroke where the dog's head was, her finger passed right through the holo. "I'll do better with this group of people huh? I'm older now, stronger too."

"Shepard." A voice called out.

She stiffened and quickly dismissed the holo. It wouldn't do for others to see Commander Shepard, Hero of the Blitz, Spectre and the fucking Saviour of the Citadel, talking to a holo of a dog and a child. She looked up and found a familiar figure settling into the bench next to her.

"Sorry, The meeting went long," Anderson said.

Shepard snorted. "Which meeting don't go long?"

"Touché," he chuckled, low and gravelly. "How have your wounds healed?"

An eyebrow raised at the human Councillor, she leaned back so that she could face him. "That was more than three months ago," she pointed out. "Between Chakwas, rehab and Alliance gene mods I can't help but heal. I can get Chakwas to forward you my discharge report if you want."

"Can't an old man check in on you just to be sure?"

Shepard laughed, a sound genuine and unguarded. "You can. Anyway this isn't all casual. I've got something for you," she said as she handed him the datapad. "You remember the Janus incident?"

Anderson grimaced. "I might be a Councillor now but I do still get updates from the Alliance. No thanks to you."

"Hey, it's either you or Udina, you know who I'll pick under those circumstances."

"So I'm saddled with this job cause you wanted to spite Udina?"

"Something like that." Anderson rolled his eyes. She lifted her hands, "They shouldn't have asked if they didn't want my opinion."

He sighed, "Right to business."

He took the datapad she handed him. His eyes darted across the screen quickly. Shepard waited.

"So you got a lead?"

"I was hoping you could work a little magic?" She nodded. "Cerberus and Prothean artifacts isn't a combination I like."

"That's it?" Anderson asked, eyebrows raised expectantly.

Shepard shrugged.

"Shepard, I know you since you're a kid. I can read you like an open book," he growled, though by the twinkle in his eye she knew his heart wasn't in it.

Despite that, she suppressed an almost instinctive shudder running down her spine, praying Anderson was really reading her inner turmoil so clearly. She cleared her throat and straightened. "Frankly, the Council really needs to get ready for the Reapers. This fucked up geth mop up they got me chasing down can easily be handed over to Alenko or any other N7 officer to run. They don't need me for that. What they need me for is finding a way to stop the fucking Reapers."

Anderson frowned. "You know better than to say that out loud, right here of all places. This is still classified. It's still too dangerous to be made public."

Her mouth hung loose for a moment. Then she stood, startling a couple of tourists nearby. Shepard couldn't quite catch her breath, her torso felt hot and tight as if she had taken a concussive shot to her chest. "They got to you too. You're toeing the Council's line too. Fuck Anderson, you know how important this is. Fucking Reapers! Do you think I-"

"Shepard!"

She clamped her mouth shut, realising her anger had gotten away from her, relieved she hadn't Flared the way she used to when she was younger.

"Sit down." Anderson's voice still held the bite of command. Shepard had almost obeyed out of habit but when it came to stubbornness, nobody was more bullheaded than she was.

Jaw set, frown taking up permanent residence between her brow, Shepard obstinately remained standing. Her chest still heaving from her tirade. She schooled her features back to the photo ready, stoic Commander Shepard the public loved.

"Shepard," Anderson said, his voice gentler this time, more friend than CO. "Please."

She sank back down onto the bench, her spine still stiff and straight. "I thought you had my back on this."

"I do, I still do," Anderson pressed.

She snorted, unconvinced. Her green eyes were hard and angry as she stared at Anderson. Her life on earth had been going in one trajectory and it was all derailed when Anderson came into her life. Without him, Riley Shepard wouldn't have existed. As much as it pained her to admit it, she would remained the feral kid with a flair for fighting and biotics. She knew in her bones she would have never lived passed her teens back on Earth.

"Shepard, do you trust me?" His brown eyes steady and calm as it had always been, no matter if he was dealing with the obtuse orders from Alliance High Command or the machinations of the Council during the chase of Saren.

"Yes." The answer was plain. There was no question about this. She had and always would trust him. Anderson was the one constant in her life she hadn't managed to let down, get them killed and killed them herself.

Shepard forced her jaw to relax and spread her fingers flat against the bench. "I'm listening."

* * *

Ryder had 24 hours of shore leave while the Normandy got resupplied. Her legs took her quickly to the skycar queue. It was mercifully short. Hands faltered at the control as she almost reflexively entered her home address. _Ma isn't there anymore._ She curled her fingers before punching her mother's new address. The skycar purred as it zipped through the Citadel.

She rested her head against the glass window. Squeezing her eyes shut, she savoured the cool of the glass against her skin. She hadn't spoke to her mother since boarding the Normandy. But in that time, Scott and her father had decided that her mother was no longer safe to be home by herself even if it was under Astin's watch. A hospice was safer, better and probably required.

 _Has her health deteriorated that much?_

Her mother's terminal disease had been a constant as long as she could remember. The constant ins and outs of Huerta Memorial Hospital, the countless bottles of meds on the kitchen counter or the sometimes lifespan shortening scares she had experienced was just a part of her childhood. But now when the end seemed rushing to meet them, Ryder found she wasn't ready.

She hadn't spent her life bidding her mother farewell everyday.

 _This is not fair!_

Her face scrunched up as she felt tears threatened. A sob escaped her clenched teeth.

 _Get a grip. Get a fucking grip, you're a Ryder, where's your spine? Ma, don't need a slobbering mess of a daughter. She needs you strong._

Ryder straightened and schooled her features. Tightening the mask of a stoic, unfazed soldier back over her face, she exhaled. The skycar shook as it landed.

As she stepped out, nobody could tell how her guts churned, how her chest hurt, or how close the lump in her throat threatened to overwhelm her facade. A quick check with the VI got her the information she required. Before long, she stood before her mother's private little glided cage. One hand hovering over the holo-lock, she could hear voices inside.

 _No, not again._

She was not doing this again. Resolutely she pressed her palm against the red lock. A chime rang inside. The voices stilled and the lock flickered green. As she entered she could see her parents, her mother sitting on the bed, a pale blue shawl drawn over her shoulders, lips pressed into a thin line, thin fingers pressed tight against her own forearms; her father standing ramrod straight, lips curling in a half snarl, muscles tight in pent up tension. Whatever they were talking about had broke her father's usual cold hard mask.

 _You can take the man out of the uniform, but you can't take the uniform out of the man._

Her father glared at her as if she had just interrupted his call with the Council. Ryder gritted her teeth and turned to her mother. "Ma, how are you feeling?"

"Sara," her mother opened her arms and wrapped them awkwardly around her chest as she bent over the bed.

"Tell her," her father growled.

Her mother stiffened in her arms. The anger of a gentle person radiated from her frail frame. Ryder had never seen her mother this furious before.

"Alec," she hissed. "This has nothing to do with Sara."

"No, this concerns our children."

A tremor ran through her body. Ryder glanced at her father, disbelief written across her face. _Am I a child of yours?_ His eyes flashed as it met hers, misunderstanding her expression. "Do you not care?" he demanded.

Ryder had had it. She surged to her feet and faced him. "Tell me what the fuck is going on?" she growled, directing her ire at her father.

"Your mother is refusing treatment!"

Her mother made a noise of utter fury. Ryder frowned, her eyes flashed between them. "Treatment?" she repeated carefully, looking at her mother, seeking an explanation.

"It's not treatment, Sara," her mother replied as calmly as she could. "It's merely more meds that manages my symptoms. I don't want to take it and not _be present_."

"But I need more time!" her father barked, his knuckles white as it clamped against the frame of the bed. It rattled from the force he was exerting.

"More time for a wild goose chase, more time for the AI," her mother spat, spittle flying. "Alec, I'm tired. I want my family to be together with me at the end. I don't want you locked in your workshop working on an impossible cure."

"This is not the end."

"Alec, please." Her voice cracked as she begged.

Ryder stifled the sob that formed in her throat. The words hovered in the brittle silence. She tightened her jaw and barely dared to move, let alone speak. It was painful to watch. She stood between her parents, her heart ached for her mother but at the same time she wished, she hoped, she prayed for a cure.

 _Just anything!_

"Ellen…" Her father braced himself against the bed frame. "I… Just have faith in this. I swear this will work."

Her mother turned away from him. Her eyes squeezed shut. Ryder stepped closer to the bed. "I think you should go," she growled, pulling her mother against her.

His grey eyes flicked up to meet hers. Ryder flinched. As dry as his eyes were, there swarm depths of anguish. But beyond that was an unshakable belief that he would succeed. Then, it was all gone, hidden behind the fortress that was Alec Ryder. The mask was in place, the stoic soldier in place of the man who wanted his wife to live.

"Ellen, I'll be back."

With that, her father left. The silence he left in his wake was sizzling with tension. Ryder rubbed her mother's back as she pressed her face against Ryder's middle. She could feel her t-shirt getting wet. Angrily, she dashed away her own tears. _I have to be strong for Ma._

"Sara," her mother said, her voice muffled. "I'm so tired."

Ryder bent over her mother, arms wrapping around the frail and thin bones. "I know. I know." Her jaw clenched so tight it ached.

* * *

Shepard planted her ass on one of the crates. Alenko and Williams along with their respective teams helped to load the supplies onto the Normandy. Dworak was showing off, stacking the hover-trolley with more crates than was sane. Arashi attempting the same with his. The others watched on laughing. Williams' eyes were wide as she made sure the others stayed out of the way of the tethering stacks.

Shepard kept a sharp eye on the lot. She didn't care if they wanted to play as long as the job got done. Regulations wasn't something she cared much for. What did it matter as long as the work got done before the deadline? Alenko blanched as Dworak's stack wobbled wildly. Arashi's face tight with concentration as he pushed his trolley.

From her perch, she could feel the press of opposing mass effect fields from Dworak and Arashi. With morbid curiosity, she wondered what would happen if she just nudge off stacks off balanced. Shepard flexed her hand and fended off the urge.

"Look out!" Dworak barked as his stack fell.

Shepard stood up and sent her biotics over. Lifting the crates enough they didn't crash onto the ground. She could feel the fields from the others, Alenko's being the one she was most familiar with. His was an intense blue, bright, steady and earnest like the man himself.

Once the crates were safely back on the ground. She shouted in her best parade commander's voice. "Dworak, Arashi, report to Pressly for latrine duty for the next ten cycles. Rest of you, use your brains. You are trained marines, not fucking mercs with two brain cells shared between all of you."

The pair looked suitably ashamed as they slung off, Alenko trailing behind. Shepard sighed, rubbing her forehead as she sank back onto the crate again. Williams barked a couple of orders and the others got back to work. She was ostensibly supposed to sign off on the paper work but her eyes were glazing over the details.

There was just a deep sense of urgency, like time was running out somehow. Her skin crawled at the best of times. She couldn't explain it. Shepard put it down to the Prothean beacon and all the other Prothean devices she was exposed to rattling something loose in her head. Visions intruded upon her sleep and she hadn't been able to sleep through the night in months.

"Commander, reporting back to the Normandy."

Shepard looked up. It was baby Ryder. She had hoped a trip back home to see her mother would help the Corporal. Baby Ryder looked at her, arm stiff in a salute but her eyes dulled and red-rimmed. Shepard recognised the look. It was a combination of a lack of sleep and too much worries. Ryder was a walking zombie held together by military discipline and nothing else.

Shepard sighed. "At ease, soldier."

Ryder let her arm go slack. It fell to her side like it was dead weight. She watched the younger woman trudged onto the ship. There was nothing more she could do for her. Ryder would pull herself together or not. Time would tell if Shepard had been wrong about her. Meanwhile, she just prayed Anderson made good on his promise.

Time was running out.


	21. Next Steps

Chapter 21 - Next Steps

"Contact! Contact!" Ryder shouted.

"Charlie, take the second level. Williams, do your thing." Shepard's voice crackled through the comms, stern and strong.

"Aye, Skipper," Williams chimed in before turning to her team and barking out orders.

"Delta, hold your ground, Bravo inbound!"

"Will do, Commander," Ryder acknowledged. Her rifle bucking in her hands, she stopped long enough to jerk her hands in a series of quick Alliance signals. Teo and Díaz nodded and fanned out.

"Solarin, let your babies loose," she barked. "Target those beams."

"Thought you'd never ask."

This was their fourth raid in twice as many days. Geth outpost after geth outpost, gunfire and screaming machinery as they cleared the place room by room. Ryder understood the need to clear these nests out especially if they were near Alliance colonies. But Shepard was pushing them harder and harder as if she was working on some timetable nobody else was privy to. She heard the LT asking the Commander about it after one of their morning trainings. Even though she was far enough that the words were no more than low murmurs, but the sharp and curt gestures made it clear it was a conversation she didn't want to be caught lingering on the edges of. She had enough trouble to deal with already.

But the constant pressure helped her team to gel in a way regular ship board life wouldn't. It took pressure to make diamonds, but she'd be happier if she and her squad weren't diamonds in the rough.

"Lance!" she screamed as she tugged at her core.

Biotics unleashed, blue fire coursed through her veins and her eezo nodes flared, Ryder threw her hands out, letting go of her rifle. The sling around her body made sure she didn't actually dropped it because that'd be extremely stupid. A blue spear impaled the Prime right in the chest, it rocked back on its heels against the impact, but it wasn't going down.

"Fire in the hole!" Teo shouted, flinging grenades, taking advantage of its distraction.

She twisted and couched back behind cover as dirt, gravel and debris flew overhead. A buzz filled the air, Solarin's drones zipped over, targeting the beams holding up the platform filled with geth firing down at them.

"Charging!"

Ryder barely had the time to look and a blue streak slammed into the Prime. The mammoth geth was lifted into the air as the LT punched into it.

"Finally. Getting pinned down isn't my idea of fun," she huffed under her breath.

"Got held up by a squadron of geth trying to flank your position," Alenko chimed in.

"Uh, sorry, LT. I was just grousing."

A boom from a sniper rifle took down a turret. "Enough chit chat guys, let's finish this," the Chief cut in.

"Aye, Chief." Ryder shouted.

* * *

Ryder popped her helmet off after she clipped herself into her seat. Her hair was plastered across her forehead, perspiration coated her face. Her suit was never able to keep her cool enough in battle conditions.

"Biotics, eat up," the LT said.

Ryder fished around in her utility pocket and unwrapped a ration bar she had packed. Shepard had insisted everyone carried at least two days' worth of ration every time they left the Normandy on a mission no matter how short it was supposed to be.

"Getting trapped in a mine with not enough supplies is the worst," the Chief whispered when she asked.

Ryder nodded sagely and accepted. So for a biotics that meant carrying quite a few ration bars and water bags with her. Still, it was better than starving.

Shepard was already looking at the datapad. It was the same one she was looking at after all their four previous missions. Her braid loose and a few strands of hair was sticking out every which way. The Commander's leg bounced as she tapped her finger against the frame of the datapad.

"Shepard, you're bleeding," the LT said, a frown creasing his brow.

Before Shepard could speak, the LT was already unclipping himself from his seat. He crossed the small space between the two rows of seats and couched down in front of her. His omni-tool already keyed to sync up with her suit to check on her status.

"What? Where?" Shepard said, looking at her hands and legs. "I'm not."

Alenko lifted Shepard's hand and brushed his hand across her left flank. "Here," he said, showing her the blood that coated his gauntlet.

She winced. "That's the geth's."

"Skipper, the geth don't bleed," Williams chimed in. "Just let the LT mother hen you for a bit, otherwise he won't be happy."

Shepard took a deep breath as if ready to order Alenko back to his seat. Their eyes met. Ryder held her breath and watched. She noticed everyone else had stop speaking, all eyes were on the pair. For a long moment, neither moved.

"Chief, the geth bleed motor oil," Shepard said, her words flying by the LT as she averted her eyes and twisted in her seat to allow him to work.

Just like that, the tension in the shuttle eased. Ryder couldn't understand what had happened, but it was clear something was going on between the LT and the Commander.

"Thank you for using the Normandy Taxi service," Joker chimed in after picking them up. "Please remember to pick up all your belongings, Normandy Taxi Service will not be liable for any lost belongings."

Everyone had a good chuckle. Shepard was dragged to the med-bay by a stern Dr. Chakwas. The LT had obviously reported about her injuries ahead of their arrival. As she disappeared from the shuttle bay, Shepard called out, "Debrief in two hours."

"Yes, Commander," the rest chorused.

"Commander, don't make me drag you in by your ear," Chakwas growled.

"I'm coming, I'm coming. No need for such dire threats," Shepard complained, their voices trailing off as they walked away.

Ryder chuckled as she started stripping off her gear.

* * *

Shift A was over. Most of the others were winding down. Ryder spotted Teo and Rai playing cards in the mess, while Solarin and Ramírez took their toiletries and were heading towards the showers. Díaz joined Ulva and Aroha at the makeshift gym that they had set up in the cargo bay.

"Join us, Corporal?"

"I'll pass," she waved them off. "I've a call to make today."

Ulva nodded. "Enjoy talking to your boyfriend," she laughed. "Or girlfriend. Or both!"

Ryder chuckled. "It's just my mother."

"Aww, mummy's girl!" Aroha grinned. "What are you eight?"

"Shut up," Díaz rolled his eyes at them. "Can't a person miss their mother in peace?"

Ryder's smile faded a little. She knew they didn't mean any harm by it, nobody knew about the problems in her family. And she wasn't about to go air her troubles to the world. Taking a deep breath, she turned towards the comms room. "Thankfully no, I'm 20. Now go."

Ryder nodded to the comm officer in charge. "I'm here for my allotted comms time."

The officer doubled check his console and nodded. "Ten minutes, Corporal."

She nodded and hurried over to one of the console. It was easy enough to input her mother's omni-tool address. As the screen illuminated, making sure her face wouldn't be a dark blob being beamed across the galaxy, Ryder was suddenly seized with anxiety.

 _Is Ma allowed her omni-tool? Should I have keyed the hospice's address instead? Shit, did I just waste some of my precious minutes?_

"Fuck," Ryder lifted her hand, ready to terminate the connection and try the new address instead.

The screen flicked and her mother's face came on. "Sara," she frowned. "Language. Is that the first thing you want me to hear?"

"Oh damn, fuck. No, shit. I mean..."

"Breathe, Sara."

She took a deep breath and chuckled . "Hey, Ma."

"Much better."

"How are you?" she asked, her eyes scanning the slightly fuzzy image.

"I'm ok," her mother replied. "Really."

But she started coughing immediately. Ryder shifted in her seat, yearning to reach out through the screen to offer her mother a tissue, a glass of water, or just rub her back. But they were separated by a couple of relay jumps, she had to settle for watching her mother coughed her lungs out.

"Do you need the nurse?" She asked anxiously, tapping through the omni-tool looking for the right contact to call.

Her mother shook her head as the cough subsided. Tears had welled up in her eyes from the intensity of her hacking. They sounded wet and lasted altogether too long.

"It's just a little cough, nothing to worry about," her mother reassured her.

"Really? Cause it doesn't sound like it."

Neither spoke for a while. Ryder didn't want to spend the time just berating her mother for not taking care of herself. She was dying, what's there to talk about taking care of oneself? AEND was terminal and it still was no matter what her father wanted.

Ryder sighed and schooled her features, forcing her mouth to perk upwards. "How are things? Anything interesting happened?"

Her mother took a deep breath and offered her a grimace of a smile. Both of them making an effort not to have their interactions constantly marred by frustration.

Ten minutes came and went quickly. The console beeped as counter ticked over to the ten minute mark. "Ma, I've got to go. I'll call you again," she said.

"Study hard, Sara. It is good talking to you."

Ryder nodded, teeth trapping her lower lip, her smile a little more brittle.

"Oh, before I forget, speak to your brother. He was going on about some harebrained expedition to Andromeda. I worry for him, he isn't as independent as you are. Andromeda is just so far away."

The lines across her face deepened as worry furrowed her brow. Ryder did the only thing she could and nodded. "I'll talk to him. We can't have Scott going somewhere far away."

Her mother nodded, a sleepy smile on her face. "I know I can count on you, Sara. You're always my little hero."

With that the console beeped its final count down. Ryder waved at her mother and terminated the connection. Sitting in the booth, facing a darkened screen where her mother had appeared on just moments before, she felt lost and exhausted. It must have shown on her face as she made her way to the mess hall to grab some food.

"Hey," Williams greeted as she slid into the seat beside her. "Are you ok?"

Ryder looked up from her half eaten meal, blinking away the moisture that had gathered in her eyes. "Yeah," her voice small and soft.

The Chief looked at her, pushing a cup of tea in her direction. Ryder lifted her head, confused. "That's yours."

"You need it more than I do," Williams pointed out. "I can always make another one."

The cup was warm against her palm as she lifted to sip at the tea.

"Family?"

She nodded, placing the cup down.

"It's always hard being away for so long," Williams picked it up and took a sip, nudging the cup back to her.

She nodded again, her fingers curled around the mug, shaking slightly.

"I get it."

They sat in silence, food forgotten, sharing a cup of tea between them. "Can I give you a hug?" the Chief asked.

A third nod. And Williams' hand wrapped around her shoulders and pulled her close. Ryder closed her eyes and tried to pretend she was home and this was her mother. The smell was wrong, the feel was wrong, but she appreciated the Chief's attempt.

A dog whistle made her eyes snapped opened. It was Akashi, grinning. "No fraternisation."

"Fuck off," Williams said.

Whatever was on Williams' face must have warned him off. He gave a small nod of apology and went on his way.

Ryder sighed and stood, hastily rubbing her eyes with the back of her hand.

"These dip shits can be real assholes sometimes."

"They don't know better," she shook her head and lifted it. Her eyes met Williams'. They were soft and gentle. It made her feel seen. That she wasn't all alone to bear these burdens by herself. "It helped. Thank you, Chief, truly."

"Ashley," Williams said, arm still around her shoulder.

Ryder liked the weight. It was reassuring, it was like having her brother close again.

"You can call me Ashley, I've officially adopted you as my new little sister," she chuckled, rising to refill the now empty cup of tea.

Ryder laughed. "I like that, Ashley."

"There you go," she sat down again and started tucking into her food. "Now do you want to hear the time when someone messed with one of my little sisters?"

"Did you break their arm?"

"Close, she did."

* * *

Shepard stood stock still in the comms room. She knew her image was being projected directly into Alliance High Command via QEC.

"What are my new orders?"

Hackett had his hands braced against the console on his end. He was the only one she could see, but it didn't mean there weren't others just outside the image projection.

"I need a favour."

A single eyebrow lifted. She waited.

Hackett cleared his throat. "The Alliance needs your help."

"I am still Alliance, I am still an N7, sir."

He nodded as if remembering. "That you are. We have intel that the Prothean Artifact lost on Janus will be surfacing on Omega."

Satisfaction bloom against Shepard's chest. Anderson had came through, but she had to tread carefully. "Omega, sir?"

"Yes," Hackett grimaced. "I know you're still Alliance, but we need the Spectre, not the N7."

She inhaled, her breath a sharp hiss in through her nose, out through her mouth. Accepting the Council's little gifts had its strings. Without the hand of the Alliance at her back, she stood alone. If she choose to pursue this, it would all be on her head, success or failure. But she wasn't alone, she was dragging along a ship full of Alliance soldiers with her. They would bear this burden with her no matter what.

"I understand."

Two words felt inadequate to hold all the implied meaning and hidden agenda. Hackett's eyes narrowed, just a tiny bit. He knew what he was asking for. "Good hunting, Spectre."

The connection winked out, and Shepard found herself standing in a dark room. She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. Stepping out of the room, she turned to the comms officer. "You got the intel the Admiral sent?"

"Yes, Commander. We're receiving it as we speak."

"Put it into a secure datapad once it's decrypted. I want to look at it as soon as possible."

"Understood."

The headache she had been nursing since their last engagement had bloomed, bearing its painful fruit around her temples. It promised to crush her skull under its vice. Her side however was nice and numb thanks to the medi-gel slapped over the bullet graze. She hadn't even felt it till Alenko pointed it out, heat of the battle, adrenaline and all that.

Now to tell Joker, they needed to head towards Omega. That'd be a fun talk.

* * *

"Is that you Commander?" Joker asked.

"Do you have eyes at the back of your head or something?" Shepard asked, sliding into the co-pilot seat.

"No, but I figure with N7s and baby N7s running around the Normandy and all of you ninjas having the ability to creep up on people, I'll need a camera pointed to the back so I'd know when one of you ghosts sneak up on me."

She snorted. "Smart."

"I always am," he craned his neck to look over. "Not that I can do anything beyond unnerve the others with my all-knowing powers."

Shepard looked out into the black of space. Her eyes trained on the latest planet they were orbiting. It was still amazing to see something so large and ostensibly heavy just floating against the sea of black. Who would have thought the street kid from Singapore being the Commander of the Normandy and a Spectre to boot.

"Shep, are you here just to enjoy the view or do I have a heading?"

She blinked. "Can't I do both?"

"Sure you can, once I have a heading."

"Set course to Omega." Shepard watched as Joker blinked owlishly at her. She chuckled. "Have I stumped the great pilot Jeff Moreau?"

Joker shook his head and frowned. "Omega? I heard that right?"

"Yup," she popped her P. "Omega."

"But…"

"No buts, Omega," she said, turning to leave the bridge.

"What's at Omega?" He shouted, turning in his seat. "I mean other than crime lords, certain death and asari strippers?"

"Well, our missing Prothean artifact of course."

* * *

They were en route to Omega. Ryder's heart skipped a beat at the briefing Shepard gave a couple of days ago. She had heard stories from the experienced members of her old squad. It was a cresspool of the worse of the worst. This was where the most violent scumbags go, where the desperate end up and apparently this was their destination.

Apprehension aside, the mere mention of the Prothean artifact was enough to drive all her doubts and fears away. She couldn't let Sagh, Kovács and the others down. All those deaths couldn't be for nothing, she wouldn't let it. This meant she had to be prepared. It's for this very purpose, she was doing extra training after her shift was over.

Shepard had the LT take over morning trainings. "Chakwas will have my head if she finds me here training with you all," she explained, but she was determined to lead her fire team when they get to Omega.

The LT was a much better teacher. His methods clear and concise and most of all he was patient even with the most innate of questions. Where Shepard was all power and flashy moves, Alenko was tight control and pinpoint precision. It was different styles of two capable biotics.

The cargo bay was mostly empty at the end of the shift. The Chief was cleaning her gear, again. Teo and Kaiser were looking over the Mako. Something about tuning the suspension so that they all have a less bumpy ride the next time. Ryder cordoned off a small area for herself.

Stripping down to her PT attire, she stretched and limbered her muscles. She stuffed her ear buds in and turned up the music. And the rest of the world faded away. The roar of the voice filled her ears. She pulled at her core and her biotics answered.

 _Smoke, fire, it's all goin' up_

Bolts of azure shot from her arms and slammed into the targets she set up. They bounced against the far wall. She grunted with satisfaction.

 _Don't you know I ain't afraid to shed a little blood?_

Hands twisting in a familiar gesture and the fallen targets floated. She widened her stance and grounded herself. Her hands reached up and Pulled. The targets slammed against the floor with a solid thunk.

 _Smoke, fire, flares are goin' up, flares are goin' up_

Ryder bent her knees and launched herself towards the targets, hopefully to catch them before they fall to the ground. The blue lit up her body, starting from her legs, up towards her chest and hair. She heard a loud wolf call, she ground her teeth and forced herself to ignore it.

Her feet light as she ran, but it wasn't the same. It wasn't the same Charge she had seen the LT do days before. Something wasn't quite clicking, but a failure wasn't going to deter her.

Ryder tried again and again. Running through the same set to greater frustration with each try. Eventually, instead of Charging, she stumbled over her own feet and went sprawling.

One of her ear buds fell out and the rest of the Normandy came pressing close. She laid on her back, chest heaving as she stared at the ceiling.

"Why the fuck is it not working?" she growled, her fist slamming into the floor.

Ryder flinched when a face blotted out the lights. It was a familiar red-hair Commander. Shepard offered her a hand and Ryder slapped her palm against it. A quick tug and she was back on her feet.

"That was embarrassing," she chuckled, bushing the seat of her shorts with her hands. "Tripping over my own fucking feet."

Silence reigned. "Sorry, ma— Shepard. Language I know."

"I'm not your mother. We're soldiers here. Language is the furthest thing on my mind." Shepard chuckled. "And it happens to the best of us."

Ryder cocked her head. "Not something I'd imagine you, the Hero of the Blitz—" Shepard winced. "—Saviour of the Citadel—" Shepard cringed. "—to ever had experienced."

Shepard snorted. "You'd be surprised at the things I've done to myself." She waved her hand in the air, dismissing her words. "So I see you were trying something with that running action."

"Yeah. I saw the LT did some fast run, almost teleportation kind of technique, but I couldn't quite get it down. It's just not clicking with how I've done things."

"Charging you mean?"

Ryder nodded.

"Shepard, you're going to start training?" the Chief asked from her little station.

"What about it?" Shepard cocked her head, she was already stripping off her uniform. "Just don't tell Chakwas."

Williams chuckled. "Time to clear out boys," she shouted instead. "The Commander needs the space."

"What? I was enjoying the show!" Kaiser groaned. "Looking good there, Ryder. All that blue."

"Kaiser, shut up. I know you were the one who catcall her just now," Williams called out. "That's completely inappropriate."

"But I was merely expressing my appreciation of her form."

"Fucking hell, you just don't know when you shut up," she walked over and gathering the rest of the people in the cargo bay.

Ryder blinked at the haste she was rushing the others out. She glanced at Shepard who just shrugged in response.

"All yours, Shepard."

"Thanks, Williams."

As the little pack headed out of the cargo bay, Ryder could hear Williams speaking. "Kaiser, let me tell you in excruciating detail why that catcall was completely and utterly inappropriate."

The doors slid shut behind them, cutting off Kaiser's protests. Shepard chuckled. "He won't know what hit him, but she'll teach him," she muttered before turning to Ryder. "Now where were we?"

* * *

Ryder collapsed onto the floor, panting. Sweat poured off her brow, her shirt was completely soaked as she lay on the ground.

"That was awesome!"

"I know," Shepard huffed, laying on her back next to her.

The internal comms cackled to life. "Erm, Commander. There have been reports of loud crashes coming from the cargo bay." Joker's voice came through.

"Yeah, what about it?"

"Do I need to send Chakwas to come check on you?"

Shepard grimaced. "No."

"I figure a horde of varren somehow had gotten onto the Normandy. Maybe it's a present Wrex left you or something."

"Are you implying we're a bunch of varrens?"

Ryder could practically hear the arched eyebrow in Shepard's voice.

"No, no, never." Joker's chair creaked as he shifted his weight. "Just you know…"

"What?"

"Don't wreck my ship."

"You mean _my_ ship."

"To-mah-to, to-meh-to," he said. "Same thing."

"Not quite the same thing."

"Still my fear remains. We are actually in space now. A hull breach would be less than ideal."

"Duly noted, Flight Lieutanant."

The connection remained live for a couple of seconds longer than needed. And Joker cut it without acknowledgement. "Arrogant bastard," Shepard growled but it held no bite.

" _Your_ arrogant bastard pilot."

"Yup," she chuckled as got to her feet. "One more time."

Ryder grunted as she pushed herself into a sitting position. Her body was aching and her stomach growling from the workout she had been put it through. "One more time," she agreed as she took Shepard's helping hand.

 **Lyrics taken from White Flag by Bishop Biggs**


	22. The Initiative

Chapter 22 - The Initiative

"Scott," Ryder greeted. "What's this about Andromeda? Ma was telling me about it?"

Shepard had lifted the usual comm rules. They were orbiting one of the Alliance's high speed comm buoys. It was the last chance for everyone to call home before they go dark for the final push to Omega. Going to Omega was risky, and riskier for an Alliance ship to pop up on their detection systems. Ryder had made a quick call to her mother. Worries and anxiety fluttering against her mind after finding out her mother's cough had worsened. A quick chat with her doctors revealed nothing favourable. Her mood was already sour when she called her brother.

"Yes, that's right!" Scott was excited. Gone was his constant dissatisfaction at his new posting, his new CO and his stagnant career. He was actually eager. "You should have called earlier. I wanted to tell you all about it."

"You could have called too, you know?"

"Yeah but putting a call to the Normandy, a fucking warship isn't particularly easy."

Ryder shrugged, conceding his point. "So what's this about?"

"It's a privately funded one way trip to the Heleus Cluster."

She blinked. "One way?"

"Yes, I mean the trip is supposed to take 600 light years. So yes, this is going to be a one way trip. We're going to go be first true colonists in generations, ground breakers and explorers."

"But what about Ma? What about Pa?"

"This was why Pa has the funding and technical help to work on the AI. He is calling it SAM, it stands for Simulated Adaptive Matrix. It's a brand new paradigm. He was working off Ma's work of the biotic neural implants, adapting it so that human and AI can truly be one."

Scott droned on and on, but all Ryder heard was how this exciting new thing had came into his life, and he was finally going to be able to prove his worth.

"With this, Ma can be cryogenically frozen. And with 600 light years, the AI can search for a cure for AEND. When we get to the other side, Ma can get cured," Scott gasped. "Pa has been working for the Initiative on the side for a while now and with his resignation from the Alliance, he can work on SAM full time and prep for his duties. He has been designated at the human Pathfinder. There will be—"

"Scott."

"The quarian ark is carrying the quarians of course, along with the drells—"

"Scott."

"And we have a place in all this too. I intend to go apply for the Pathfinder team. We can be—"

"Scott!"

He stared at her. His eyes widened in surprise. Ryder was beyond furious, her brows pressed together in a frown to deep it looked like it was craved into her face. "Do you hear what you're saying? Leaving every single thing we know here for an unknown future in Andromeda? For what? For the fucking harebrained idea that somehow this will cure Ma? Do you hear what you're saying?"

Ryder was up on her feet, pacing. A hand gripped her shoulder, she spun and found Chakwas looking at her. She glanced around and realised everyone was staring at her. Her voice had carried. She grimaced.

"Follow me," Chakwas said, beckoning her into the med-bay.

"Give me a second," she growled into her omni-tool before muting it. "Sorry, I didn't mean to be so loud. I—"

The doctor shook her head, graceful and poised. She pointed to the door at the end of the darkened med-bay. "You can have some privacy in there."

Ryder nodded her thanks and hurried in. Before the door shut properly, she unmuted her omni-tool. "We're throwing away all of our todays for a tomorrow that's unknowable. Have you even thought of asking me what I want? Or Ma? What does she want?"

Scott's jaw was tight. She could see his pulse throbbing against his temple. His eyes were averted from the screen.

"What the fuck are you thinking?" she demanded

He squeezed his eyes shut as before opening them again, but Ryder was too pissed off to see the signs. "Talk to me, Scott."

"Sara," he growled. Her name came out like a curse. "I was thinking about our mother. I was thinking about a fucking cure."

"A cure?" She threw her arms up in the air. "This is just a possibility of a cure."

"Yeah sure, a possibility. Over what? The certainty of death here. AEND is terminal!"

"I know!"

The Ryders twins eyed each other via their comms. Both of them chests heaving and jaws clenched.

 _This is getting nowhere._

Ryder took a couple of deliberate deep breaths. The anger was a raging inferno in the pit of her stomach, it wasn't going to go away with a few deep breaths. She clenched her free hand and lifted it. It was so tempting to just bring it down onto something in the room. She didn't even know where she was, everything looked expensive and important.

 _I'm a fucking an adult. I will not scream, I will not shout. I can fucking communicate with my brother._

Her jaw ached from the intensity she was clenching it. Brown eyes found hers when she lifted them. They mirrored hers. Anger, frustration and more than that it was the overwhelming sense that time was running out. She could feel it in her bones. They were fast approaching the cliff's edge for their mother's condition.

"What about Ma?" Her voice was rough, but she managed not to shout. "What does she think about this?"

Scott's jaw twitched as he looked away. His Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed. "I haven't had a chance to speak to her about it."

She nodded, she had expected as much. Scott would have dived head first into the research. That was how he was. That's how he learn so much about AEND, through hounding doctors and reading everything he could get his hands on.

"All right, what about Pa?" Hands running through her hair as she tugged at stray strands. "I mean he would have talked to her about his new job, right?"

The question hung in the air. The longer Scott kept silent, the lower her heart sank. "He hadn't spoken to her, had he?" Bitterness tinged every word out of her mouth. "He decided he knew what she would want, didn't he? He is going to take the last bit of agency she has, isn't he?"

With every question, her voice rose. "Fuck Scott!" Her previous resolve was thrown out of the airlock as she spat.

"Damn it, this is a cure! The possibility of one!"

"That's not the point, you fucking know that, Scott. I might be mad about this entire plan, but I'm livid about the way you and Pa had treated Ma. When the fuck are you gong to tell her? When she wakes up in Andromeda? Is that it?"

"We're going to tell, I swear!"

"Forget it. I was going to ask you if you're going to quit the Alliance, but it seems your mind is made up. I guess you didn't want to know what I think anyway."

"Fuck, Sara. It's not like you're letting me know, are you? It's always you, you, you! You left me to deal with everything. You ran. You have no right to speak to me this way. I'm your fucking older brother."

Words failed Sara. She blinked. Anger stole her speech, it had made her see nothing but red. The buzzing across her skin intensified. It was so easy to let it come through, just a tiny bit. Blue burst across her skin. She saw the surprise in Scott's eyes. He flinched, tipping her view of his face.

"If I can't have a civilised conversation with you, then I consider this conversation over. You don't have to threaten me."

A retort hovered at the tip of her tongue when the screen turned black. Scott had terminated the connection. Ryder growled low and feral at the back of her throat. Her frustration had nowhere to go but inside.

"12 seconds do not fucking make you an older brother," she hissed through clenched teeth.

* * *

Omega hovered into view. "The IES is activated?" Shepard asked.

Joker frowned so hard she could hear it. "Commander, this isn't exactly my first rodeo. I was there when we stole the Normandy remembered?"

Williams chuckled. "He got you there, Skipper."

"I'm just checking. Can't a girl check to make sure we're not going to all get blown up?" she mock growled.

"Yeah, yeah, you're getting senile, admit it." Joker teased.

"You're like a year younger than I am, how does this make me senile?"

"The Skipper's got a point," Williams pointed out.

"What is this? Am I being attacked? You come onto my bridge and attack the Alliance's best pilot. What is this? I'm wounded."

They shared a laugh as the door hissed open. Shepard turned and saw Alenko entering. Their eyes met, there was hurt and confusion in them, but it was all quickly masked as he reshuffled his features to display a polite professional look on. It's the same one she had. She had been living with it more on than off recently. Averting her eyes, she pretended to check something on her omni-tool.

"What is it?"

"Alpha, Bravo, Charlie and Delta have all assembled in the briefing room. We're just waiting on you, Shepard."

She nodded. "All right, time to get the show on the road."

"Good talk, Shepard. Don't forget what our frequency is. Cause you know you'll need me to come get you."

She rolled her eyes. "Just don't get spotted. IES isn't going to stop someone looking out the damn window."

Joker waved them off without looking back.

Just as she was about to enter the briefing room, Chakwas waved her down. "Go ahead," she jerked her head towards Williams and Alenko.

Williams nodded and nudged Alenko along who was hanging back. "Say LT, do you think the Skipper's going to give us some shore leave over on Omega? I always wanted to visit. I hear you can get some crazy mods there."

Shepard watched as Alenko tried to turn, but Williams dragged him away. She swallowed her sigh. _I will talk to him. I've got to. This is just killing both of us._

When she turned back to face Chakwas, there was a look on the doctor's face. Shepard chewed on her tongue, deciding that she'd be a coward and pretend she didn't see it, lots of pretending recently. "What is it?"

"I recommend Ryder be taken off this mission."

Shepard blinked. Of all things Chakwas could have flagged her down for, this was the last thing she had expected. Baby Ryder had been integrating well with the rest especially after Williams took her under her wing. There was something going on with Ryder, but whatever it was she had kept it well under wraps and in control. Her fire team has been gelling well with the rest too.

"What's the problem?"

"She was shouting earlier at the omni-tool earlier today."

"Some nasty boyfriend or girlfriend maybe?"

Chakwas shook her head. "She wasn't exactly quiet about it, but I don't think it's a lover or partner. Regardless, she needed somewhere private to talk so I let her use Liara's old room."

Shepard nodded, rolling her left shoulder. It was aching again. An old injury that always gave her problems, now it had gotten worse after the battle with Saran on the Citadel.

"When she exited, she was all red-faced and quiet. I don't know if she is in the right emotional space to do her job."

Shepard sighed. Chakwas had the power to yank anyone from her team if she thought they weren't medically sound. This wasn't a physical injury, and Ryder hadn't showed any serious mental issues from the events of Janus. Chakwas might just be overly cautious, but Shepard trusted the doctor's instincts.

The mission's purpose was two fold. It was in part retrieving the Prothean artifact, the other was to give Ryder a chance to lay her ghosts to rest. The way her tour of duty on Janus had ended was brutal. Shepard knew how it felt to be one of the few to walk away from a bad situation. If she could give Ryder some kind of closure, she'd like to do it. This put a monkey wrench into her plans.

"Did she come to you about that? Did she say she couldn't do it or that she wanted to sit this one out?"

Chakwas shook her head. "Physically she is well to go. It's her mental space that I'm worried about."

"Are you going to ground her?"

The silver hair doctor folded her arms across her chest. She considered the question but eventually concluded, "No. But I thought you should know."

"Thanks for letting me know," she turned to go only to have Chakwas called out again.

"Shepard, I know you've been burning the candle on both ends. You can afford to take it easy for a while. We've got Saren."

Shepard stiffened. _Was it that obvious?_ Words of nameless fears crowded her mouth. Lips pressed thin like if she had opened her mouth, it would all spill forth. Time was ticking away. The undeniable wrench of her gut told her so but to voice it was crazy. A gut feeling wasn't going to fly with Chakwas or anyone else. She grunted, forcibly swallowing her words.

"Doc, you shouldn't let anyone know about your mind reading powers. It's creepy."

"It's not mind reading if it's just keeping my eyes open," Chakwas said, answering her unspoken question. "I observe you more than most."

She snorted. "Thanks, I'll keep that in mind."

"Karin," Chakwas said. "I think we're past last names given how many times I've stitched you back up."

"Are you hitting on me, Karin?"

Chakwas laughed, the noise she made was as elegant and clear. "No, I am not Commander."

"Riley. That's my name."

The doctor's eyes brightened. "Riley, take care of yourself."

"I will. Meanwhile I have a Prothean artifact to retrieve."

"Of course, don't let me keep you."

* * *

Ryder checked her gear. The Mattock was oiled. She had cleaned it the day before. Its magazine fresh and full, she slammed it back into the rifle and holstered it. It snapped home with a satisfying click. The Carnifex went into her left thigh holster and finally she rounded out her entire load out with a shotgun. The Katana felt heavier than what she was used to, but she'd make do. Spare magazines were strapped into utility pockets. The spare rations and water that Shepard had insisted on joined them. In all, she had added a good 20 kilograms to her own body, but with the armour's exoskeleton, it didn't feel that way.

Ryder turned to the others. They were all seeing to their own gear. Teo helping Díaz with his buckles while Solarin was checking on her drones. Everyone had their head in the game and it was as it should be. Omega wasn't going to be a walk in the park. Secrecy was the order for the day. They were here on a Spectre's authority not the Alliance's.

Shepard was set as well, her hair banded up in a braid and tucked into the back of her armour. All that was left was to put the helmet on and she'd be as faceless as someone with the telltale N7 logo emblazoned across their armour could be.

Shepard's emerald gaze caught her mundane brown ones. Their eyes locked. It held a question. Shepard had caught her after the briefing. Chakwas had spoken to her and Ryder was going to lose her spot in the mission if she couldn't convince Shepard she could do her job.

Shepard didn't asked about her problem. She had but one question. "Can you do your job?"

And rightly so, Ryder was supposed to be a professional. She had trained for this. The Commander couldn't be writing her an excuse note because she had a fucking argument with their brother. This wasn't school. This was the Alliance and she was a soldier, trained by Alec Ryder himself no less.

There was only one answer she could give. "Yes. I can." _I will, I must._

It was an out. Shepard had told her as much, there was no shame walking away from this mission. If her head wasn't screwed in right, she'd make mistakes. Lives were at stake here. This was a mission not a stroll in the park. She couldn't let her team down, not just the team she had now but the ones dead and gone as well. _I won't let them down. I refuse_

She nodded at her Commander's unspoken question. Shepard seemed satisfied and turned back to check on her team.

The ride to Omega on the shuttle was nerve wrecking. There weren't enough shuttles so they had to do it in two trips. Shepard's Alpha team and her own Delta took the first shuttle down. The LT's Bravo and Williams' Charlie would take the second. Their job was clear. Ryder's job was to support Shepard's team. The safe house wasn't large, but Omega and its warrens was vast and complicated. Cerberus would not be allowed to escape with the artifact a second time. Her team was the decoy, keeping the defenders' attention while Alpha entered the lair. Bravo and Charlie would set up a perimeter to prevent the rats from running.

 _Simple enough._

The shuttle had a ghost registration ID. One that was used to fool the Omega's shoddy port control. It wouldn't have stood up to scrutiny so they had to leave before anyone thought to look closely.

Shepard pulled her helmet on. Ryder followed suit. With a quick twist, it sealed against her armour. Omega had breathable air, but with the myriad of Red Sand cookhouses, eezo mining going on and pollution made the air near unbearable especially at the outskirts, which was where they were heading.

Ryder drummed her fingers against her thigh while Shepard's leg bounced. The Commander's eyes never left her omni-tool. Ryder closed her own, resting them in preparation for the mission ahead, but all she found were the echoes of her conversation with Scott. The anger simmered in the pit of her gut, ready to flare at a moment's notice. She grunted and shoved the thoughts to the back of her mind. This was neither the time nor place.

The shuttle shuddered as it landed. It wasn't one of the authorised spots, but that was the point. Nobody was supposed to know. Shepard looked up, her eyes swept over everyone. The slit in her, almost fully opaque, helmet was the only part left that was visibly human.

"Move out."


	23. Target Acquired

Chapter 23 - Target Acquired

Ryder's arms were numbed as she slammed a fresh magazine into her rifle. She glanced at her HUD. Solarin's, Díaz's and Teo's vital signs pulsed in the corner, strong and steady.

 _Good._

It was turning into a tick. Checking their vital signs every couple of minutes, even if it was a mere flicking of her eyes towards the corner where the infographic was displayed. Kovács' falling body still played at the back of her mind whenever the bullets started flying. Ryder exhaled loud and harsh as she forced the image from her mind.

 _This isn't the time._

"Alpha, breaching secondary perimeter," Shepard's voice through the din of battle. "Delta keep the assholes pinned."

"Got it, Commander."

"Bravo and Charlie, touched down," the LT reported.

"We're inbound," Williams chimed in. "Leave some for us."

"If all goes well, there should be none for you," Shepard replied.

"Boo, Skipper. That's no fun."

Ryder snorted and slipped out of cover and shifted closer. Solarin's drones whirled ahead and their smaller caliber rifles went rat-tat-tat. Díaz's shotgun boomed somewhere off to her left while Teo's rifle on her right.

The mission was going well. And soon, she prayed, Kovács would stop haunting her dreams.

* * *

Ulva and Arashi pressed their bodies against the side of the door. They nodded their readiness. Shepard slammed her palm against the holo-lock before twisting out of the way. The pair swung in, rifles leading the way. She followed closely behind.

Her rifle magazine was fresh, she hadn't even fired a single bullet since she had set foot on Omega, but something stank about the entire thing. This place should be crawling with Cerberus operatives. The prize, after all, was secured here, waiting on a hand off. This wasn't the final destination for the artifact. Omega was too open and had too many probing eyes. The de facto queen of Omega wouldn't tolerated anyone messing with unknown ancient things in her domain.

 _Has the hand off happened? Are we too late?_

Shepard's skin crawled like a million ants were running over her body despite the armour she was wearing. Room after room, all of them empty. They weren't hastily emptied just moments before. They were completely and utterly unfurnished, a mere shell of a hideout. Sure, there were some stray food wrappers, some cigarette butts, maybe a Fornax magazine or two but there was nothing else that indicated this was a long term hideout for Cerberus. It was like the fucking thing wasn't here. It was like Cebereus knew they were coming.

Everything just screamed decoy, trap.

There was an odd crackle in her comms channel. Was someone trying to reach her? Was the connection that poor? The room was long and narrow, more akin to a wide corridor than a room proper, with another opened door leading back out into the corridor on the other end. Crates opened and smashed were piled in a corner. She sighed, her shotgun swung, directing the high powered beam of light down the length of the room. It confirmed what she already knew.

Empty, empty, empty. _Where the fuck is Cerberus?_

Solid thuds against the ground caught her attention, her shotgun smung, the beam caught as a handful of black objects rolled towards them. "Grenades!" Shepard cried, tugging at her core even as she dove towards the exit she was nearest.

"Take cover!" Ulva screamed.

Arashi jerked his arms out, a blue shield flickered up around the grenades in a fertile attempt to contain the blast. Shepard grimaced, knowing it probably wasn't going to be enough, joined her field with his. Before they could properly mesh them together, her vision turned white as pain erupted across her flank.

* * *

"I need a little help here!" Ryder shouted.

Overhead, a shuttle roared in. "Corporal, we have more incoming!" Teo shouted.

Ryder peeked out from cover. Operatives bearing the black, white and yellow mark of Cerberus poured out. All of them carrying a fresh load out and not fatigued unlike her team. "Fuck."

"Charlie, Bravo!" She yelled into the comms. "Come in!"

There was nothing but static.

 _It's happening again. This is just like Janus._

Her heart stuttered and skipped.

"Shit, shit, shit," she muttered under her breath. Her eyes darted to her team. All of them had theirs eyes on her. She took a shuddering breath and exhaled, attempting to force the fear and anxiety out. All it did was shove the screaming panicking kid to the back, enough so she could think clearly, her hands weren't trembling quite so obviously.

"Teo, Díaz, Solarin, what's your ammo situation?"

They sounded off. Her heart sank with each response. Shepard was still in there, trapped or cutting through the enemy. She couldn't tell. Comms were down. Bravo and Charlie were still holding their position as far as she knew. The priority was clear.

"Solarin, can you track whatever that's disrupting our comms?"

"On it."

"Teo, Díaz, set up there and there," she directed. "We're going to funnel them."

Ryder could feel her amp burning as she Pulled at the enemies while Teo and Díaz lit them up. Her arms heavy as she threw Lance after Lance at the clustered Cerberus operatives. Watching the small pile of emptied magazines grew made her chest clenched.

Díaz grunted. His vitals were highlighted red in her HUD as his blood pressure spiked. "I'm hit!"

"Fuck, get some medi-gel on it," she shouted, firing her rifle.

"I'm out," he shouted.

As she was about to toss him one of her packs, Teo shouted, "Cover me, I'm heading over."

"On three," she shouted.

"One!" She pulled from her rapidly drying well of biotic stamina.

"Two!" She picked her target.

"Three!" Teo launched himself from behind cover and made a beeline for Díaz. Ryder stood and threw her arms forward. A blue wave shot from her arms into the Cerberus operatives. The force sent them tumbling and flying against the far wall. She switched over to her rifle quickly firing upon them haphazardly, shifting to take Teo's position.

"Solarin, any time now."

"Almost there," she shouted. "There, got it! It's a disruptor field, probably Cerberus tech"

"Where is it?"

"It's deeper into the facility."

"Teo, how's Díaz?"

"He'll live," Teo declared, slapping a palm against Díaz' shoulder. Díaz yelped in jest.

Ryder suppressed a shudder that ran down her spine. "All right guys, we got to take the party on the road. We're going in."

"But what about our orders?" Teo asked.

"That went out the window when the comms went down."

"What about sending a runner to Charlie or Bravo?" Teo suggested, his eyes wide as he stared at the entrance swarming with Cerberus troops.

"We can't contact them, we don't know where they are if they are even still where they are supposed to be," Ryder growled, her patience fraying.

"But—"

"Teo, can it. We're going in. Now."

"Yes, Corporal," his mouth snapped shut promptly.

* * *

Shepard's senses activated one by one, in waves, between consciousness and not. The first to return was her sense of smell. Burning plastic, foul and nauseating filled her nostrils. She coughed hard but every attempt to rid herself of the smell just made things worse.

Next, her hearing. A high pitched whine filled her ears, Wincing, she pushed herself to her hands and knees. Shouts sounded muffled and far away. Her head was stuffed full of cotton and she couldn't get them out.

Her sense of touch returned. Hands belonging to others, tugged at her. Someone pushed her back onto the ground. Her shattered helmet pulled from her head.

"That's not Persephone," a voice said. "We've got the wrong person." Static crackled as a tinny voice spoke on the other end of a omni-tool speaker. Feet shuffling. "Move out, Persephone is located."

Shepard barely had the capacity to process any of it. Overriding everything was pain across her back and side. A sharp jab pierced her thigh. Medi-gel flushed through her body, turning her body all tingly where pain once was.

Her sight came back in the form of bright lights that seared her retinas. Shadows danced at the edges of her vision threatening to tug her back under. Shepard growled, a sound feral and frustrated as she fought to stay on this side of consciousness. Clenched fists, fingernails digging half moons into her palms.

The final sense to return was taste. Her mouth hung open as she panted. The air tasted bitter and acrid. "Ulva, Arashi," she called. Her voice barely a rasp above the ringing in her ears. She cleared her throat. "Ulva, Arashi, status!"

Her braid hung loose, her helmet laid on the ground, broken and sad. She frowned. Did the blast did that? She shoved the thought aside. Scrambling on her hands and knees and shuffled towards the two figures on the ground.

Groans huffed out of the first as she flipped them over, syncing their suit's medical VI with her omni-tool. Without her helmet, she could only rely on her omni-tool for information. Ulva's vitals were stable, there were some bleeding and lacerations through her armour, but she was more rattled than badly injured. Shepard dispensed an extra dose of medi-gel via her omni-tool.

Ulva braced herself into a sitting position. "Sit tight, get your bearings," Shepard ordered. "We're moving out when you're not seeing double."

"Got it, Commander," Ulva coughed.

Shepard moved to Arashi. Her heart stuttering and skipping as she looked at the amount of blood pooling around him. When his vitals popped onto her omni-tool, her jaw tightened.

"Shit."

His suit's medi-gel banks were flashing red and empty. The blast had damaged that part of his armour and the contents of the packs were all dribbling down his side onto the floor, wasted. Her hand snaked around her side and reached towards where her spare medi-gel were stored. She found nothing but a wet patch.

"Fuck." Another curse uttered into the bitter air. Without hesitation, she popped the remaining pack of medi-gel from her suit and jammed it into his armour, dispensing it manually.

Arashi's eyes fluttered open a couple of minutes later. "I don't feel good," he groaned.

Shepard snorted, turning her attention to the comms. Ulva had grabbed a rifle and was checking it over. "Bravo, come in." Static crackled. Ulva tried to the same result. "We're leaving," she growled. "Come on."

Shepard ignored the tearing pain across her back, the analgesic effects of the medi-gel were fading fast, as she hoisted Arashi up to his feet. He groaned, "Gently."

"Suck it up, I don't intend to stick around." She pulled his arm over her shoulders and hooked one hand to the webbing around his waist. Glancing back at Ulva, there was an unspoken question in her eyes. Ulva nodded tightly, her grip tightened on her rifle.

"Let's go."

* * *

"Fuck! Baby-2 down!" Solarin shouted.

Ryder watched as another drone crashed, rapidly turning into a pile of slag. She grimaced. The waves of Cerberus operatives were endless. Most of them were content to set up turrets to slow them down while others tried to flank them. This was a battle of attrition. Their ammo against Cerberus'. It was one Ryder knew they would lose. She had been resorting to her biotics, leaving the clips to the others. If the resistance was this fierce inside, where they could funnel and box their enemies in, what about outside? How were the other teams faring?

 _Please, please, please. Let them all be ok._

"How far is it?" Ryder bellowed over the gunfire.

"Just ahead," Solarin replied, firing her pistol from behind cover.

"How are you holding up Díaz?"

"I'm good." His shotgun boomed taking a Cerberus operative trying to flank them.

"Teo?"

"I'm out of ammo!" His voice was high and thready. The look he shot her a little wild, a little too unsteady.

Ryder's jaw tightened and slid her last magazine towards him. His acknowledge was a quick jerk of his head before he slammed it into his rifle.

"One step at a time, Teo. Watch our backs," she said, forcing her voice to be calm and confident. "We'll get out of this."

"You owe me a drink," he laughed.

"You can collect at our next shore leave."

Then, the bullets ceased. Ryder narrowed her eyes and popped her head out of cover. The turrets ahead had fallen silent. The silence that rushed in to fill the void was loud. All she could hear were the ragged breaths from both sides catching their breaths. Sweat trickled down her spine as her breath huffed against her helmet. She strained her ears to catch any telltale noises boots shuffling to flank them, drones whirling to life behind them, just anything.

The operatives ahead peeked out from behind cover. Solarin shot her a look, Ryder shrugged. Díaz grunted as he shifted his weight from one foot to another. Teo kept one hand on his last grenade, eyes darting to the enemies that remained just out of range.

They were waiting, but what for?

"Ryder," Solarin called, her voice tight over the comms. "I'm picking up their signal."

"You tapped into their comms?"

"Listen," she said. "I'm putting it through now."

An unfamiliar voice came through. "Red hair? N7 strip?"

Silence and more static. "No, that's not Persephone. We have found her. Stand by for extraction."

More static and then the connection died. Icy fingers seized Ryder's heart and squeezed tightly.

"Who the fuck is Persephone?" Díaz growled. "And what the fuck are we waiting for?"

"Persephone is a Greek goddess of—"

"I'm not actually asking, Teo."

Ryder cleared her throat and they fell silent. "How far away is it coming from?"

"Just in the room ahead," Solarin supplied.

"That's where the disruptor signal is coming from?"

Solarin nodded. She sighed. Movement ahead caught her attention. A soldier clad in a suit of red, white and black stepped into view. _Cerberus? Or some other group?_

Ryder recognised the pattern. It looked like Shepard's N7 armour but the colours were inverse. Red where it was black, black where it was red. It was a mockery of the coveted N7 designation. The helmet was the same dull red of the suit, almost daring them to aim for it, like a big fat target.

Ryder couldn't see their face, hidden behind the almost entirely opaque helmet but she could feel their eyes on her team. Prey, that was what she felt like. Adrenaline coursed through her veins, screaming at her to move, to shoot, to just do something. She shoved it down, her only concession was a firmer grip on her biotics, ignoring the stabbing pains her amp was sending up her head.

Through the distance, their eyes met. She felt her blood turned to ice. Her breath was caught in her throat. "Teo," she growled urgently. "I'm going to Pull them in. Throw your grenade when I do."

"Got it, Ryder."

"Solarin, send whatever drones you have left after me. The rest of you, follow after."

"What are you planning?" Solarin's voice hush, her breath shallow.

"Get ready, Teo," Ryder called, ignoring the question.

The grenade hummed softly as he armed it. She dug deep into her well, asking for more than she had ever done before. The situation wasn't quite dire as it was on Janus. There, she was prepared to die; here, she wanted to live.

"Now!" She roared.

Blue flames engulfed her. Heat that radiated from her core reached out towards the Cerberus operatives behind cover. The grenade sailed overhead and detonated in a loud boom. Before her ears stopped ringing, before the dust settled, Ryder was on the move.

The red armoured operative wasn't a mere grunt like the others they had faced. A blue shield shimmered over them, not a single speck of dust marred their pristine armour. Ryder did as Shepard taught her.

 _Do not fight for control, give in to it. You're born with biotics, it reacts to your instincts and needs more than you know. Just let go._

A burst of speed, a flash of dark energy. Ryder streaked across the room, hoping to catch the Operative wrong footed. She bowled into them, pushing them back by sheer force. Drones whirled over her into the room ahead while the others rushed forward, firing at any that weren't taken out in the initial blast.

Ryder didn't have the capacity to care about the others. She found an elbow hammering against her shoulder, trying to dislodge her. As they crashed into the far wall of the room where the disruptor field was, her grip failed and she tumbled to the ground. Pain flashed across her chest, bruises would be the least of her complaints at this rate.

She scanned the room and found the device. It was set up on a table. The jamming device was unassuming, merely a portable console with a dish pointing upwards. She growled and lunged towards it only to be tumbling passed it at thrice the speed she had expected to. The Operative laughed, biotics swirling around them.

"Get ready for extraction. Persephone is about to be acquired," they ordered. The remaining Cerberus troops scrambled to obey. But as her team entered, they were forced to seek cover. Their solo remaining drone firing upon the Cerberus troops.

Ryder slammed into a nearby desk. She could feel the armour plates on her back shattering upon impact. Something sharp slicing into her flank. She gasped. Her HUB flashed red, indicating she was out of medi-gel. A growl ripped through her throat as she forced herself back onto her feet.

The Operative was upon her again. They were not going to give her time to take out the disruptor. She had but seconds to act. Teeth gnashed, she ignored the Operative, committed to the mission, she lifted her pistol. Taking careful aim, she fired.

Once, it pinged against the device's shield. It shimmered but held.

Twice, it flickered and dimmed. A blue spear snapped to life in the Operative's hands.

Thrice, the shields powered down, leaving it vulnerable. The spear sliced through the air.

And one final time as her pistol clicked empty, the device sparked and caught fire. Something punched into her thigh. Her shields took the brunt of the biotic lance, but her leg buckled. Twin spikes of pain penetrated her knees as she fell. Ryder stared, a deep furrow was dug into the side of her leg, her armour scoured away.

As the device exploded, she twisted to avoid the blast. In an instant, the comms were restored.

"Delta, requesting reinforcements!"

* * *

"Delta! Charlie! Bravo! Come in," Shepard yelled for the umpteenth time. She wasn't expecting a response.

However this time, the static cackled and a voice came through. It was Baby Ryder.

 _Shit._

"Alenko! Williams! Where are you?" she barked, labouring under Arashi's weight.

"Charlie is heading towards you, I'm keeping our LZ clear," Alenko replied. His voice tight and curt as the staccato of gunfire peppered the background.

"Skipper, where are you?" Williams cut in.

Ulva nodded, tapping at her omni-tool, sending Williams their location via encrypted channels. This mission was a disaster. It was nothing but a trap.

 _Hackett is going to hear about this. Fuck him and the fucking intel._

"Hurry."

When Charlie rendezvoused with them, Shepard issued her orders quick and crisply. She tasked Rai to get Arashi to the LZ and on the first shuttle out. The rest, she took with her to get Delta out of trouble.

 _Why the fuck is Delta not where they are supposed to be?_

Anger and frustration threatened to turn to rage, but she shoved them aside. Chakwas' words echoed in her head as she bit her tongue.

 _Fuck!_

"Move out!"

* * *

Ryder backed away, fighting to gain her feet, but her thigh could barely hold her weight. Her hands clawed at the ground as she inched towards cover.

Solarin's voice loud in her ears. "Ryder! Come on!" Her arm stretched out, palm open, fingers reaching.

 _I can do this._

Dragging her leg behind her, Ryder scrambled, ignoring the shooting pain. Trusting the others to cover her, she crawled. Solarin flinched as gunfire pinged against her cover. Ryder could feel them slamming into her shields.

 _Hold, hold, please just hold._

With a grunt, she kicked out with her good leg, giving herself a short burst of speed. Her hand reaching for Solarin's. Their grip firm and solid for an instant and then she was yanked away. A cloud of blue surrounded her as she floated into the air.

"No!" Ryder screamed impotently, twisting to see the Operative's arm lifted in her direction.

She braced herself, expecting bullets to shred through skin and flesh, biotics to slam her into the ground or grenades to blast her to bits. Tears pricked at her eyes and fear formed a lump in her throat as a ragged sob escaped her pinched lips.

"I don't want to die." The confession lost over the chaos of battle.

"Ryder!" A familiar voice burst into her comms. "Hang on! We're coming."

"Shepard," Ryder whispered.

She caught sight of the Commander's black, white and red armour. Orders flew briskly over the comms as Charlie and Alpha reinforced her team. Hope flared in her chest.

"Time to go," the Operative chuckled as they lobbed a couple of grenades in her team's direction.

Ryder's world went white in an instant, hands wrapped around her waist as she was half dragged and half carried away. A wave of intense heat chased them as she struggled. She kicked but only found air, her hands scratched and pushed, but her limbs didn't do more than twitch. The Operative snarled at her, slamming an elbow into her helmet. The blow made her vision flicker.

 _No, no, no!_

She reached deep, asking for everything her body could give. Palms pressed against the Operative's side, she Pushed. Her amp seared her flesh and skin. They lost their grip on her. She went tumbling, sliding to a stop a distance away. Her breath was harsh against her ears, her heart raced as she fought to stand. Her leg was molten liquid pain, lighting her nerves on fire.

Then, she froze. The Operative had their pistol out and it was aimed at her chest. Her jaw tightened, teeth biting down quivering lips. There would be no help, not from Shepard or her new found friends.

 _I am a Ryder. I won't die on cowering._

The pistol fired and her breath rushed from her lungs. As her world turned black, she heard, "Persephone secured. Get the shuttle ready."


	24. A Father's Love

Chapter 24 - A Father's Love

"Commander."

Shepard paced, heedless that she was practically half naked. She had a datapad in one hand, reading the report and keeping up a continuous string of curses.

"Shepard!"

She jerked to a stop, glaring at the source of interruption. It was Chakwas. They were in her quarters. Her bruised and battered body was making its complaints known, loudly.

"Sit, please," Chakwas sighed, gesturing towards her bed.

Shepard sighed and sank onto it. Chakwas disinfected the cuts and gashes she had collected from the mission silently. Shepard's muscles twitched against the pain, but she forced herself to hold still. Making Chakwas angry was probably a bad idea, her job was hard enough as it was.

The mission was an utter and complete disaster. Shepard couldn't help but replayed the scene in her mind. Baby Ryder's arm reaching out towards them, grenades forced her to take cover, pulling up a barrier to cover her people. By the time the dust had settled, Ryder was fucking gone. She rushed out just in time to see the shuttle zipping off.

 _Why?_

She couldn't get her head around it. Why would Cerberus want Ryder?

 _Is Hackett in Cerberus' pocket? How far does this go?_

Her fingers curled inwards, tightening into a fist.

"Shepard, stop that," Chakwas snapped.

She jerked her eyes up to meet the doctor's. Chakwas' grey eyes were solemn and gentle, "I need you to lift your arms up."

Shepard compiled, squeezing her eyes shut. "How are the others?"

"They are fine. They are resting in the med-bay. I've seen to the others including those with simple bruises and left you the last as you had insisted," Chakwas chided.

Nobody was unscathed, Arashi had the worst of it. Chakwas managed to wrangle him into the med-bay despite his claims of being fine. Williams and her team caught some of the blast, but their injuries were minor, mostly bruises from being knocked about. Ryder's team had scrapped by with some bad lacerations and overly taxed muscles. Díaz was lucky that the bullet hit nothing too important. Ulva was down with a concussion and by all the noises Chakwas was making at her, she probably had one too.

But she was the Commander and the Med-Bay was full. She could just as easily rest in her quarters as she could in the med-bay. Chakwas shot her a look when she suggested it. Both of them knew that was a bald faced lie.

The medi-gel was kicking in, easing the burning across her left shoulder blade and down her side. Most of it were damage from the initial grenade blast. Her pounding head was attempting to convince her that sleep was the best thing now.

"Shepard."

But she couldn't rest yet, she had reports to file and a potential leak in the Alliance High Command. And Ryder, she wasn't willing to give one of her own up for dead, not yet. Reports were already filing in on the Cerberus shuttle. She had to read them. Time was of the essence.

"Shepard!"

"What?" Her voice a harsh growl as she glared at Chakwas.

"Headache?"

Shepard nodded, irritably.

"And obviously that's a delayed response. You did loss consciousness after that blast and that's according to your team's account. Now irritability," Chakwas listed on her fingers. "Check, check, check and check."

Shepard grimaced and looked away. "Sorry. It's just..."

"I get it. I do care about Ryder. We do need to go after her, but you can delegate, Shepard. You're not alone in this," she said, a gentle hand on her shoulder.

Shepard wished she could just lean into it and forget about everything just for a moment. _No._ The thought was a snarl, snapping at herself. She straightened her spine and winced. Chakwas sighed again and pushed a couple of white tablets into her hand. She popped them into her mouth without hesitation and chased them down with a sip of water.

"All right I'll leave you to it, but I want you in bed and resting after you have delegated."

Shepard attempted a small smile. "Yes mom." It was a shitty one.

Chakwas glowered at her. The door slid open and Alenko was standing at the threshold. "Ahh, right on time Lieutenant. Make sure she rests after you're done."

Shepard frowned as she noticed a flush creeping up Alenko's face. Even the tips of his ears was turning red. He entered and made a beeline to her wardrobe. He fished around for a bit before thrusting one of her multiple N7 hoodies at her.

"Oh." Shepard hadn't realised that she was sitting bare chested with only the bandages to protect her modesty.

Chakwas chuckled and left. Her laughter floated lightly in the air. The moment the door slid shut, the air grew stifled. Shepard swallowed the sigh and slipped her arm into the hoodie. The first sleeve was fine, but the other tugged at the burns. She struggled with it.

"Let me," Alenko's voice was a whisper.

She nodded and he guided the sleeve towards her arm. His fingers ghosted against her skin as he settled the hoodie up her arm and on her shoulder. The barest of contact and she felt guilt welling up in her chest. With a grunt, she shoved it aside. This wasn't time for self pity, this wasn't time for her problems. She had work to do.

"Are you ok?" he asked.

"I'm fine," she replied curtly, shifting to sit on the chair instead of her bed. Keeping her back straight as she didn't dare rest her back against the backrest. Eyes hard, gaze keen, she asked "What's the status?"

* * *

"Arashi, Ulva and Díaz will need a little extra time in the med-bay. The others will be put on light duties. I've asked Joker to pull us out of Omega's range."

Shepard nodded. Alenko had things well in hand.

"What happened?" Alenko asked, running his hand through his hair, his only concession towards his frustration. "Why was the intel so wrong?"

That was the question burning in her mind too. She'd like to know as badly as he did. Lieutenant Walker from the Janus debacle had been arrested. She remembered his name when the report crossed her screen. Not dishonourably discharged but arrested. The charges weren't stated on the report, leaving her to guess. It was probably a courtesy report sent her way since she had Ryder assigned to the Normandy. If these were all dots along the same line, she had to be careful. Biting down on her lip, Shepard kept the suspicions to herself. Her green eyes held Kaidan's brown gaze. He met hers head on, open, steadfast and honest.

Kaidan Alenko had no guile. How he had maintained his gentle and kind nature through Brain Camp and his career, she had no clue. But it made him all the stronger and more precious. She trusted him. After everything they had seen and done together, while chasing Saren, she would trust him with her life, but apparently not her heart.

 _Stop this._

She yanked her thoughts back to the matter at hand. Trust Alenko, she did. But he didn't need to be saddle with this worry, not just yet, not when she had nothing but a gut feel.

"Fucked up intel, what's new?" Shepard shook her head. "Time is of the essence. We have to—"

"I know, Shepard. We'll get her back. We don't leave our own behind," Alenko finished. "You should rest. I'll get the report written up but first I'll have speak to Ryder's parents. They need to be informed if nothing else."

"No."

Alenko blinked at her. "But—"

"No, it's my responsibility. I'll do it. I'm the CO. I'm not going to throw you under the bus here. I'll handle it."

"You should be resting. You have a concussion for crying out loud."

"After," her voice firm as she stood, shifting towards him. "After that, I will."

He didn't budge, his eyes steady on hers.

"I promise."

Alenko sighed and headed towards the door. He hesitated at the threshold, words stuck in his throat. In the end, he ducked his head and left.

Shepard was alone. She ran a hand through her hair and found it all sticking every which way. Her braid loose and crazy, hair grimy with dried sweat and some blood. Grimacing she headed towards the showers to put herself to right. If nothing else, she had to look like she was in control of the situation before she told Alec Ryder his daughter was captured by a terrorist organisation.

* * *

Awareness batted against her consciousness. There was a deep throbbing coming from her thigh and her amp. A headache was pounding away behind her eyelids. She clawed her way towards the light, but every inch she fought for, pain rammed up, dread twisted in her chest. It wasn't a gradual transition between awake and not when she reached the light. It was an instant switch. Eyes snapped open, she jerked.

Ryder gasped, dragging mouthful of air into her lungs. "Where…"

Wild eyes darting everywhere. She found nothing of note, but what's clear, she was caged. Her mouth went dry. The only door of the tiny two metres by two metres room had a solid red on its holo-lock. A camera was perched on every corner of the ceiling. She was still in her undersuit, her amour was removed or so damaged it had fallen apart. She suspected the former rather than the latter. Her weapons, all gone.

 _What about my biotics?_

She pulled at her core, but she found it empty.

 _No._

The constant buzzing under her skin, the nebulous power that set her apart from her brother, the reason her father hated her was gone. It was like someone had transplanted her into a body hers but not at the same time. It was unnerving. She clawed at her amp. The skin it laid under was cold, the amp itself inert.

 _Maybe I just lack the energy. It'd come back later. I did push myself hard before. That must be it. It has got to be._

Panic clawed at her throat. Her breath shuddered as she wrapped her arms around herself.

 _Stop, stop, stop._

Ryder squeezed her eyes shut, clenching her hands into fists. Taking a deep breath, she exhaled slowly and deliberately.

 _Take stock of the situation. You're your best weapon._

Her eyes snapped open and she looked at her legs. The glaring problem was staring her in the face. The gash had punched through her armour and undersuit, though it had stopped bleeding, it still hurt like a bitch. Ryder averted her gaze, looking at her blackened layers of her skin and muscle was making her feel sick. There was nothing that looked particularly clean or appropriate for any kind of first aid so she left it alone. The other was the horrible deep sore centred over her chest. She grimaced as she tugged against the zipper of her undersuit.

"Fucking hell, just—" she muttered under her breath as she struggled with the stuck zipper.

The zipper ripped free, its handle broke clean off between her fingers. "Great, just fucking great," she growled and tossed the broken piece away. The zipper had came as far down as her waist so it wasn't too hard to tug her arms out of the sleeves to see what was up with her chest. As the top half of her suit flopped limply down around her waist, she shivered.

There was nothing between her and the cold air but a pair of black sports bra. A massive bruise covered her chest. Probing with her fingers, the entire area was a deep red, promising to turn into one impressive contusion. Her arms and legs all checked out fine, just a myriad of cuts and nicks, sore muscles and no biotics. Nothing seemed broken, by her less than professional evaluation.

"Not the best situation, but I can work with this," she muttered.

Taking a deep breath, she wiped a hand over her face, attempting to look more alive than she felt, shoring up her crumpling walls.

 _Next, the cell._

Ryder struggled to her feet, wincing. Her bad leg shook and trembled, but it held. A small trickle of blood oozed from the wound. She braced herself against the wall when her ears pricked up.

Footsteps. They were approaching.

She stiffened. Eyes darting for a hidding spot, but there was none. This was a featureless box, a cage, a cell and she was fucking trapped. Teeth gritted, she waited.

Step by step, they got nearer. Her heart raced and stuttered. She shuffled so that she was pressed to the side of the door, hopefully she could catch whoever it was by surprise, but she noticed movement out of her peripheral vision. The cameras mounted at the corners panned and stopped over on her. They were tracking her.

Her nostrils flared. "Not like this, not like this," she whispered over and over. The tears that had been threatening to spill streamed down her face in earnest. She dashed them away angrily. "No weakness."

The footsteps stopped right outside the door. Ryder waited. The silence was oppressive, a weight pressing down on her shoulders.

A voice called out. "Stand in the middle of the cell." It was the Operative.

Her jaw tightened, but she refused to move.

"Don't make me come in to make you to do it," the Operative barked. "Stand in the middle of the cell!"

Her legs shifted involuntarily in response to the bite of command. Pain lanced up her bad leg and she fell. She yelped and pressed her hands onto wound. Agnoy raced through her nerves, lighting them on fire.

"Fucking hell," the Operative spat.

The holo-lock cycled and the door slid open. They were dressed in a Cerberus uniform, combat boots, well worn tough pants and a t-shirt with ripped sleeves. A cap complete with the Cerberus logo covered their head and a pair of visor obscured half their face.

It was then Ryder realised the Operative was a woman. Strands of black hair escaped the cap, her skin fair but tanned brown, as if she was more at home on a planet with a sun. Taut muscles rippled under scarred skin, the Operative sighed. Without a word, they drew back a foot and slammed it into Ryder's middle.

The air rushed out of her lungs as she gasped. All thought to hold strong and betray no weaknesses fled. She barely had the capacity to do anything more than scream.

"I told you you'd regret making me come in here," the Operative growled.

* * *

Shepard sighed. She spared a few minutes washing her face, putting her hair into a ponytail instead of a braid before she returned to her quarters. Gingerly she eased herself back into the chair. She activated her terminal. It was a quick search for baby Ryder's emergency contact. With a tap, the connection was live.

She waited. The Alliance logo twirled around and around on screen. This feeling, the twisting in her guts, the heavy rock against her chest, the way her mouth was dry and her breath couldn't quite come, it was familiar. It wasn't unlike when she found out she had lost everything and everyone she held dear. It was a feeling she never wanted to feel again.

 _That's what happens when you let people get too close._

She sighed, air exhaled through her nose, loud and harsh. Her fingers rapped against her desk. "Just fucking pick up."

 _Baby Ryder isn't dead. That much is clear, Cerberus wanted her. But why?_

Before she could send her mind down that black hole, a face flickered into view on the screen. Alec Ryder had more grey in his hair than the last time she saw him. That was mere months ago. His grey eyes darted to meet hers.

"I wasn't expecting a call from you." His voice gruff and tired as he ran a hand through his hair. "Why are you calling?"

Shepard swallowed, her lips parted ready to utter the words to send his world crashing down. Before she could speak, his eyes widened. Something flashed through his eyes. "Is it Sara? What happened?"

"She has been captured."

"What?" He stood, pushing away from his terminal.

It was then Shepard got a good view of him. He was dressed in a white and blue uniform. A strange logo emblazoned on his chest. She had heard of it. The Andromeda Initiative, the ambitious private endeavour to send arks filled with colonists to Andromeda. The rumours were true then. Alec had joined.

"I entrusted my daughter to you and this is what happens?" he growled.

Shepard swallowed the first retort that threatened to burst forth. "We are doing everything we can to get her back."

"Don't give me the Alliance PR bullshit, Shepard. Tell me what happened?"

"I can't," she replied as calmly as she could, trying to tell herself that his reaction was expected. "You're not Alliance anymore. Technically I shouldn't even be telling you this now. I'm doing you a courtesy to inform you personally. You know the protocol. We're doing everything we can to get her back."

He glared at her, sinking back into his chair. "Was she targeted?"

Shepard stiffened, her eyes narrowed. "Why would you say that?"

"There had been some chatter about some unsavoury elements looking to get their hands on some tech."

"Does this have to do with the Andromeda Initiative?"

Ryder senior nodded.

"Cerberus? The AI you've been developing?"

The man hesitated. The anger in his eyes had banked to a simmer. He was evaluating her.

"Fucking hell, Ryder. This is your daughter, if you have any information that will help me, you should be telling me."

The silence stretched. Seconds ticked by like minutes. Finally, he nodded again. "They tried to gun for me and my wife but I'm secured and so is my wife. I've made sure of it."

Shepard racked her brains, trying to remember anything she know about the Ryders. "You have a son too. What about him?"

"I've pulled some strings and got him transferred to the Citadel. He is as safe as I can get him," he confessed.

Shepard hissed, rubbing her hands over her face. This was a mess. "And you did the same for Sara?"

He sighed. "Janus is supposed to be safe but look what happened. Then, you requested her for the Normandy. You had Hackett's backing. Of course I couldn't get her assigned elsewhere."

"And so that scene at the docks, what was that supposed to be? You're trying to get me to say 'No, I don't want your daughter on my ship?"

"I was desperate, Shepard," he admitted.

"All right. I don't fucking know why you didn't just tell me, let your kids know or let the fucking Alliance know," she sighed. "Cards on the table, Ryder. I need all your intel. Now."

By the time Shepard had terminated the connection, she was beyond tired, but she had leads to chase down. Hopefully, she'd be able to retrieve her wayward soldier in one piece.

"Fucking mess."

* * *

Pain flashed across her scalp. Her head was tugged upright by her hair. She panted, mouth open, breath shallow. Blood was trickling down face, obscuring her vision.

"Got a good shot?" the Operative asked.

"Yes Commander," someone else laughed.

The Operative chuckled and let go. Ryder's head thumped against the floor unceremoniously, bouncing a little against the concrete. Her breath whistled out of her nose in short hisses.

"Get that processed and sent over," she ordered. "Make sure the security is tight. We don't want any surprises. After all, we stole her right from under Commander fucking Shepard's nose."

"Got it." The footsteps receded.

Ryder laid where she fell, unable to summon the energy to turn onto her back. Eyes half lidded, she stared at the middle distance, trying to pretend it wasn't her body that was throbbing like a single organism filled with only pain.

"Persephone, what a cute code name the Boss has given you."

Ryder stiffened, chiding herself for losing track of the operative.

"You're a hard fish to catch. Especially after that disaster on Janus."

 _Janus? What about Janus?_

The Operative laughed, her voice low, almost sultry. A hand pushed against her shoulder and flipped her on her back easily. Ryder groaned, blinking away the tears that clouded her vision.

"We even had an inside guy to make sure you will just sit tight. Walker did his part and got arrested for his trouble but Bickmore botched the job so bad. That fucking bitch got away with some stupid Prothean shit and thinks the Boss will give him a pat on the head and say 'good job'."

 _Walker? Walker is Cerberus?_

Another dark chuckle rang out.

"Danger, danger," Ryder's mind screamed, forcing her to struggle. Grunts of exertion loud in her ears as she tried to shift away from the Operative.

"Where did you think you're going?" the Operative grinned, resting a boot against her sternum.

She groaned and held herself still, breath was slowly forced out of her as the Operative leaned her weight against her chest.

"The Boss called in the big guns. That's me," the Operative went on as if uninterrupted. "I caught you, not _Dickmore_ , not some other fucker. I did. Remember that, I am Kai Ling."

"Got it, got it," Ryder rasped. "What the hell did you want me for? I am a fucking nobody."

"You? We don't really want you. We want the AI your father is developing. We wanted your brother but he is a little too well protected for our tastes. Even the Citadel is a little out of reach for us. So we got the next best thing."

The pressure on her chest eased as Kai Ling removed her boot from her chest. Ryder sucked as much air as her abused chest allowed.

"And you think capturing me is your next best bet?" she laughed despite the stabbing needles radiating from her chest. "I think you got the wrong person."

Even through the visor obscuring Kai Ling's face, Ryder could feel the anger buzzing from her. "What the fuck are you talking about?" her voice cold as ice as she hissed.

"Seriously. My father trading an AI for me? Never. I'm not that important. You got the wrong Ryder kid. Scott's right, someone did made sure he was posted to the Citadel. It wasn't to shit can him but to keep him safe. Now you're stuck with spoilt goods."

Kai Ling frowned, her pulse throbbing against her temple, she didn't know what to make of her laughing prisoner.

"You got the wrong fucking Ryder," Ryder exhaled. "Was Janus all to get me? All those people dead because of me? Sagh, Kovács, Ishida, Garcia and other scientists, because of me. And still you got the wrong damn person?"

Hysterical words filled her mouth as tears cut lines down her face. Despair, anger, frustration boiled over and she was just exhausted, physically and mentally.

"One way or another," Kai Ling snarled, blue flared up her arm, clamping it down like a vice over Ryder's throat. "We will get what we want by guile or by force."

The Cerberus operative stalked out without another word,

"My father will never trade the AI for me," she whispered. "Never."


	25. Persephone Rising

Chapter 25 - Persephone Rising

It was two long days since the Omega mission, 48 hours of scrambling. Shepard knew she was stalking the ship like a mother bear missing her cub.

 _They are my people and one of them is fucking captured._

Alenko had things well in hand. It allowed her to crash without worries, but sleep couldn't hold her for long, not with all the buzzing thoughts in her head. She was up and checking in on her fireteams before long. Chakwas chased her out of the med-bay with threats of securing a bed in the med-bay just for her.

"Shepard, what you are doing up?" Williams sighed.

"Checking in on everyone."

"No, you're not. You're just disrupting everyone's rest. We're fine. Banged up but fine," she growled. "You need to get some rest."

She sighed, looking at Williams. The Chief had bruises clear across her arms, and Shepard was sure there were more hidden under her loose t-shirt.

"Stop that."

"What did I do?"

"You are giving me those fucking puppy dog eyes."

"I do not possess any puppy dog eyes," Shepard retorted.

Williams gestured at the closed doors to the crew quarters. "I'm fine. They are fine. The ones who needed help are under Chakwas' watchful eyes. They are all resting as should you."

"I already did."

She frowned and glanced at her omni-tool. "What? Five hours? After being blasted twice? No, you need five more."

Shepard shook her head. "You're not my mother."

"I'm not, but you're forcing my maternal instincts to the fore. And don't forget I've got big sister credentials. I see what is going on, Skipper. Unless you want to get rid of me with an order?"

Shepard eyed the Chief who coolly returned her gaze.

"You don't want me to deploy the 'with all due respect', do you?" Williams pointed out.

Shepard winced. "No, anything but that."

But instead of heading to her quarters, she walked towards the cargo bay. Sleep was beyond her at the moment. If she couldn't train, she could at least take care of her own equipment. Williams followed. It didn't take long before Shepard was settled down on the station cleaning her weapons.

"You know you don't have to baby sit me," she pointed out.

"If I don't, who is going to?" Williams asked, pulling apart the weapon before her.

That was the beginning of a long 48 hours wait.

* * *

"Shepard," Alec Ryder's voice came through her terminal. "Are you seeing this?"

Her eyes scanned the message. It was a bunch of binary code that was decoded to reveal only a nav-point and three words.

 **Daughter for AI.**

"Did you trace it?" Shepard asked, keying in the nav-point into her terminal. As she had expected, it was in the middle of nowhere, far beyond the reach of the Alliance.

"No, I couldn't."

"What about your AI?" She lifted her head at his reply. "You do have a fully functional AI, don't you? This is what it's all about, isn't it?"

"It's not ready," he growled.

"It's ready enough for someone to blackmail you for it."

His nostrils flared, his lips pressed thin as if he was holding back whatever unpleasant words he had for her. Alec Ryder had never been anything but a straight talker. This was a side of him, she had never seen before.

"Spit it out."

"How the AI develops is dependent on the things they are exposed to. Exposing my AI to Cerberus sounds like a stupid idea."

"Ryder," she growled. "This is your daughter. Who is more important?"

He took a deep breath and eventually nodded. Shepard didn't press him for an answer. "Get your AI on the job but send me the message. I'll have my people pick through it." Tapping on her terminal, sending him a file. "Here is what we found," Shepard offered as an olive branch.

He leaned forward, and she could picked out all the extra lines that marked his face. Lines she knew she had put there with just a comm call. Stifling a sigh, she turned back to the business at hand.

"The shuttle has been tracked to Imorkan."

"That's really close to Omega."

"It is but gangs that even the Queen of Omega couldn't control lurk there. It's not like an Alliance ship can dock and knock some heads to get some information. I don't want Cerberus to know we're that close on their tails. Plus, I do not know where on Imorkan their base is."

"And so you need me to set up the exchange as an in for you."

Shepard nodded.

"I'll see to it."

"I have a few favours I might be able to call in to help with this. I'll be in touch soon," she said. "We'll get her back, I promise."

* * *

Ryder peeled an eye open. The door pulled back but not all the way, just enough for a hand to toss a couple of ration bars in through the slit. A couple bottles of water followed quickly and it closed again.

Cerberus, apparently, didn't want her to starve.

She shuffled over to the food. At first she was worried the food might have been poisoned. But she reasoned they already had her, there was no need to resort to trickery if they could do it by force. Her hands tore at the ration bars and devoured them. They weren't enough for her biotic metabolism. This wasn't a diet she could subsist on for long.

Ryder twisted the cap off the bottle of water. She sniffed at it only to grimaced. "Fuck."

She had refused to drink it that first day, but Kai Ling returned with her cronies and force the water down her throat. She burnt with shame as she drank the provided water meekly after. They had added some kind of chemical biotic inhibitor into the water. Whatever it was, it was foul. The cloying sweet scent of dish soap and the foreign pungent chemical smell of swimming pools. Its taste matched. She sipped and gagged.

As one day turned into two, three and four, hope had turned cold. Regrets churned in her guts. Her last conversation with Scott had been an argument. That was not how she wanted to leave things. Ma would have to suffer through learning about her death over and over again because she'd just keep forgetting. That was the ultimate cruelty she could have inflict on her mother.

She squeezed her eyes shut.

 _No, I can't just give up. Someone will come for me. Someone will._

Cerberus had stopped coming in to mess with her. They feed her but never let her out. They hadn't bothered to treat her wounds either. Thankfully nothing seemed too serious. Her leg still throbbed, the wound was warm to the touch. Her chest was still sore, and it felt tender but she was still able to move if she didn't do it too suddenly.

 _Time to stop feeling sorry for yourself. Time to grow a fucking spine and think of a plan._

Ryder heaved herself upright and flexed her bad leg, mindful that her every move was tracked. She tipped the bottle to her lips, pretending to drink but she let it dribble down her chin. She had been doing that for days, careful to drink enough so that they don't realise what she was doing. Though her head pounded crazy fierce thanks to dehydration, her mouth tasted like ashes, she felt surer than she had in days.

 _Far better to regain my biotics again than to sit around and make things easier for them._

She had their routine down pat. The guard was due back with another batch of ration bars and bottled water soon. She bid her time and waited. Tugging at her core, the tiny embers of her biotics flickered and fluttered like a candle in the wind, but it was there. She'd be ready when the opportunity came.

 _Help is coming. Help will come._

The door slid open. It was earlier than usual. Ryder looked up only to see Kai Ling looking at her, decked out in full armour, complete with the inverse N7 colour scheme. Through the helmet Ryder could tell Kai Ling's eyes were crinkled, she was fucking grinning. Ryder's jaw was set, her guts clenched tight.

"Let's get you all pretty, Persephone. Daddy's coming."

 _Fuck._

* * *

"You know what you have to do?" Shepard eyed the others.

"Relax, Commander," Dworak said, "we got this thing well in hand."

Aroha nodded in tandem with her squad mate, but she only had eyes for Alenko. He had his helmet tucked under his arm, his gaze steady as they met hers. "We'll get this done," he said. His voice steady, calm and confident, Shepard trusted him but still she worry.

The plan was ridiculous, even by her standards. Or maybe it's because she wasn't leading the team that's why it felt more ridiculous than usual. Her teeth ground against each other, she squared her shoulders and nodded.

"Good hunting." She squeezed Alenko's shoulder.

Armed with only the nav-point, Alec Ryder travelled from Theia station via a private shuttle to the Citadel to meet with Vakarian. There on the docks, purchased with her own credits, was a shuttle. It was modded for speed and augmented with cloaking devices and some hidden goodies. That thing cost a bomb but Vakarian was there to see it done and she could afford it after years of being the poster girl for Alliance recruitment adverts. Vakarian handed Ryder the codes so that he could take ownership of that little shuttle.

Then, Ryder swung by Omega ostensibly for refuelling, but it was really to pick up with Alenko's team and a little something extra she had begged Tali for, a fake AI made from savaged Geth parts. Shepard was eternally grateful, and had promised marathon sessions of watching Fleet and Flotilla in payment.

Alenko and his team was supposed to exit the shuttle as it drifted towards the nav-point. They needed to infiltrate the Cerberus' shuttle from outside while Ryder's shuttle was being boarded. She trusted Tali to make a good enough fake to fool a regular Cerberus goon. That way Alenko and his team had time. From there it was a matter of creative interrogating to get the IFF codes for the secondary shuttle that would be deployed from the Normandy to rescue Baby Ryder.

The AI had came through with the nav-point for the Cerberus' base. It irked Shepard that she couldn't verify it before sending people down. As far as they could determined based on Alliance intel, there was some kind of base at that exact nav-point, was it Cerberus or not, nobody knew.

 _But can I trust Alliance intel?_

Everything hinged on Alenko and his team. They needed the IFF codes.

Shepard knew she wasn't at full strength, she shouldn't lead the EVA team, though she'd admit she had considered it. One look from Chakwas was all she needed to dispel that idea. Alenko was the next best choice. He was as good as she was, better in ways she wasn't.

"Losing the Commander on a rescue operation this stupid is too much," Alenko had told her. "I don't want to have to explain to Hackett and Alliance High Command that this happened."

"So I'll get to do that if your mag-boots fail?"

"Precisely."

She snorted. Still, asking him to do something she couldn't felt wrong. She exhaled as she stepped onto the bridge.

"Commander, is that you?"

"Who else would it be?"

"I don't know, you N7s are all ninja with your silent walking and all that."

"Well not today," Shepard slid into the co-pilot seat. Her wounds were mostly healed. They were still sore and stiff, but no longer the deep pain that reached into her muscles, pulling when she moved, restricting her full range of motion.

"You good, Shepard?"

"I will be, once we get our baby bird home."

Joker took a deep breath, flexing his fingers. "Shall we?"

* * *

Shepard paced. Alenko's voice came through the comms. It crackled and buzzed as it bounced through dark space and all its radiation.

"Suit checks again."

Nobody complained despite it being the fourth such check. Fingers brushed over buckles and straps, omni-tools beeped a happy affirmative.

"All good," Aroha said.

"Sealed and locked," Dworak said.

Then, a fourth voice spoke. "Good luck, unlocking the hatch now." It was Alec Ryder. And he was here for his daughter.

* * *

Her boots clomped against the metal plate flooring. Back and forth, back and forth. There was a creak of faux-leather against butt.

"Shepard."

She stopped. The moment Alenko was off the ship, she got suited up, so did the others. Williams and fireteam Charlie as well as the functioning half of Delta were tasked with the actual rescue. As much as it chaffed at her, Shepard would be the backup.

"Can you stop pacing? You're wearing a groove on my bridge."

Shepard braced her weight against the back of Joker's chair.

"Not that either," he frowned, twisting to face her. "Just sit down, all right? You're making me very nervous."

She didn't deigned to speak and slid into the co-pilot chair. It was taking too long. Everything hinged on this first part. There was plans and there was contingencies for those plans but nothing matter once the boots hit the ground. In this case, mag-boots secured on the exterior of a fucking shuttle.

A tight beam signal popped up on Joker's screen. "Unknown shuttle approaching," he reported.

Shepard held her breath and waited some more.

* * *

Gunfire rang out through the comms. "Go, go, go!" Alenko barked.

The whiplash sound of a biotic punch distorted the audio output. Shepard's hands jerked reflexively.

"Aroha, cover the exit!"

"Copy."

"Dworak!"

"On it."

"Breathe, Shepard," Joker said.

That snapped her out of it. She chuckled, a vain attempt at hiding the tension. "Is it this exciting every time?"

"Something like that," he chuckled. "Though this is tame by your standards."

"Really?"

"Yes, really. There are no erupting volcanos around this time."

"Not yet, you mean," Shepard pointed out.

Joker flinched and his eyes widened in mock horror. "No Commander, don't joke about such things."

Her shoulder relaxed a fraction as they shared a laugh.

"Commander." The moment they shared snapped to a close as Shepard turned her attention back to the comms.

"Alenko, tell you me you've got it."

"We do. Transmitting now."

Shepard took a deep breath. "Good job. Head towards Imorkan. Stay out of hailing range. We'll come pick you up once Williams' team is away."

"Roger, see you soon."

She turned to Joker as she stood. "Take us down."

"One rescue operation, coming right up," he grinned tightly.

* * *

Ryder growled, tugging at the omni-cuffs around her wrists. "Where the fuck are you taking me?"

"To meet Daddy, of course," Kai Ling cooed sweetly, her helmet clad face pressed against Ryder's cheek.

Ryder pulled away, disgust written all over her face. Kai Ling chuckled. "We might be classified as a terrorist group, but we keep our promises despite how hard you're making it." A hand slammed down hard against her bare back, Ryder stumbled forward.

Cerberus troops flanked her, Kai Ling bringing up the rear, they marched her down a long corridor. They passed rooms, all of them bearing red holo-locks. Ryder couldn't help but wondered if they all held prisoners too. She shivered, the bite in the air made it pretty clear that she was planet-side, and a cold one to boot, unless Cerberus was cheap and didn't invested in heating. They hadn't bothered to give her any new clothes. She was still in her tattered undersuit. Her sports bra and bare skin her only defence against the elements. Wherever they were going, she hoped it would present her the opportunity she was hoping for.

Jaw set, Ryder limped on, her bare feet stinging.

Their destination clearly was the shuttle bay as they passed some windows looking down into it. Her steps slowed as she lingered to look. A handful of shuttles were secured in the bay. Three of them bore Alliance colours. She frowned, studying them intently. One of them was being prepped for take off.

The secure double doors slid open soundlessly under Kai Ling's palm. "After you," she waved Ryder through.

Ryder glared as she passed. The action was as futile as her pittance of resistance. Her stenum still ached, reminding her the price of her defiance. As she crossed the threshold, she stiffened. A howl swept through the shuttle bay. A gust of frigid air slammed into her chest like a punch. She stumbled backwards, unable to keep her footing. Kai Ling held her still by her hair. She yelped, following the motion to keep her hair from being ripped from its roots.

"Walk." Kai Ling barked.

Ryder growled and pulled away. Biting her lip, she kept herself from smiling. Her luck was changing. She spotted the exact thing she was waiting for.

Boots clomped down the stairs while Ryder winced as her bare feet made contact with the ice cold steps. Half way down Kai Ling cocked her head listening to the comms. Decked out in full armour, Ryder couldn't see the Operative's face, but she could feel anger radiating from her. Blue flames started flickering around Kai Ling, Ryder flinched, even the other Cerberus soldiers shuffled uncomfortably.

"You fucker," she shouted. "Your father has done it now. He had just thrown your life away."

A hand snaked out towards Ryder, aiming for her ponytail again. She was ready this time. Jerking backwards, seemingly stumbling against the soldier behind her, her hands reached for the unsecured utility pouch she had spotted earlier. Fingers reaching, searching and finally finding. It was fist sized, round and had a single button. Without hesitation, she depressed it. It started to beep with increasing frequency and urgency. Letting it go, she ran.

"Shoot her!" Kai Ling cried.

Ryder ran down the steps, right into the atrium of the shuttle bay, towards the huge and heavy shutters that opened to the outside. It didn't matter if she was shivering with every step, it didn't matter she could feel blood flowing down her leg again.

"Her father has voided the deal!"

Her thighs screamed for mercy but she forced herself on. Bullets whizzed passed her head. She weaved and ducked as best as her bad leg allowed. Then, alarms blared. Dark blurry shapes materialised in the snowy landscape on the outside. Ryder's footsteps faltered.

 _Cerberus?_

Pain flashed across her arm. She stumbled but kept her balance. For a moment, she couldn't tell where the bullet was from. Were the dark shapes ahead firing at her? Or was it from behind? Kai Ling's shouts echoed across the shuttle bay.

Rock and hard place, she had to choose. Standing in the middle meant certain death. Ryder glanced behind her. The beeping had reached a crescendo. "Grenade!" a Cerberus operative screamed

As the blast ignited, a blue shield snapped up over Kai Ling. She had left her people to fend for themselves. Flames, red and yellow enveloped the group in an instant. Screams ripped through the air.

All thought fled. Ryder staggered on. Debris and shrapnel flew, peppering idle shuttles and human flesh alike without discrimination. Her breath condensed against the freezing air, but sweat beaded across her brow. The wind whipped her hair around. The figures ahead solidified as they shifted into cover. Ryder forced herself to keep moving. Her vision blurred as perspiration stung her eyes.

"Persephone!" Kai Ling screamed.

Ryder refused to turn. She couldn't afford to. She had to go. The exit was just right there.

"Ryder!" Another voice cried, this time from ahead of her.

The voice was familiar. She blinked, trying hard to clear her vision. One of the figures stood up, beckoning towards her. Clear as day were the Alliance colours on the armour.

"We'll cover you!" The figure shouted as drones took to the air, whizzing overhead.

Ryder twisted to track the drones' movement only to see Kai Ling rushing her. Her Charge slammed into Ryder and both of them went tumbling. Ryder's world narrowed down to a single face. She had no way to break her fall with her hands still cuffed behind her back. The impact slammed into her battered body and she slid a distance before coming to a stop. Kai Ling's armoured hands dug into the ground, scoring it but slowing down more gracefully. A hail of gunfire forced the Operative to seek cover.

"Ryder!" someone shouted before ordering. "Cover me!"

Ryder's world spun as she struggled to stand. Her bad leg buckled, refusing to take her weight. Her breath echoed loud in her ears, her head hot despite the ice creeping up her limbs. She shook her head, trying to dislodge the encroaching darkness at the edges of her vision.

Kai Ling snarled her impotence from behind cover. In her hands was a pistol, aiming directly at Ryder. Teeth gnashed, Ryder summoned what bit of biotics she had been hoarding. With a roar, she Pushed.

The force sent Kai Ling crashing into the nearest parked shuttle. Metal plates groaned under the impact.

Hands were upon her, lifting her to her feet and eventually hoisting her over one shoulder. Ryder's head bumped against their back as they ran. Every step sent waves of agony through her exhausted body.

"Come on, come on!"

As they stepped out into the open, a roar came from above. Ryder twisted to see the Normandy screaming as it came in for a landing. The sight brought tears to her eyes.

She was finally safe again.

* * *

"I'll walk," Ryder insisted despite leaning heavily against Williams.

"Stubborn fool. Are all you Ryders like this?" she asked.

"This one is," she huffed. "I need a little dignity here. Bouncing my head against your butt, isn't how I picture my triumphant return."

Williams rolled her eyes. "Fine, fine, I'll be dragging you on board if Cerberus send more troops out."

"Fine."

The ramp was lowered and soldiers poured out. She spotted the LT and his team leading the way. Then, a familiar figure cut in N7 colours rushed down. Through the slit of clear visor, green eyes took in the situation quickly. Between Shepard and Williams, she was hauled on board the Normandy despite her complaints.

Chakwas was inside the ship with a med-kit ready. She took one look and barked, "Med-bay now."

Shepard pressed a gentle hand on her shoulder. "Good to have you back."

Before Ryder could react, Shepard waved a hand at a soldier to take over. The soldier still wearing their helmet took a firm hold of her arm and waist as the Commander disappeared into the CIC, probably overseeing their escape or something. Thoughts were nebulous things she couldn't keep them tied down long enough to think.

As she was half carried, half dragged to the med-bay, between Williams and the soldier, all she wanted was to stop hurting. The med-bay's door slid open and Williams turned to a soldier. "You got this?"

The soldier nodded, not deigning to reply. Williams squeezed her shoulder. "Rest up, I'll see you in a bit."

Ryder nodded, between her uncontrollable trembles. The little jaunt between the Cerberus base and the Normandy had sapped all her body heat.

"I'm not human anymore, I'm a popsicle," she hissed. "I'm never going to be warm ever again."

"You will," Williams laughed. "Got to go help the Skipper wrangle the others."

Ryder offered a shaky smile, feeling giddy to have survive. As the soldier helped her into the med-bay proper. She shivered, muttering curses and apologies as they tried to manhandle her onto the nearest bed. In the end, the soldier just scooped her up like a child and eased her into the bed.

The Normandy's drive core whirled up and the entire ship shook a little before the inertia dampeners came on. Chakwas shoved a thick blanket at her. As she struggled to properly cover herself with it, the soldier stepped forward and helped her with it.

"Thank you," she whispered, through cracked lips and hazy vision.

As Chakwas activated the bed's scanner, Ryder's eyes sagged shut. The rumble of Normandy in flight was lulling her to sleep. A gentle hand touched her shoulder. "No sleeping, not yet."

"I'll try, doc." Her eyes fluttered open again.

Buckles were unlatched as the soldier removed their helmet. They stepped closer and loomed over her. "You will not try," they said. "You will do it."

Ryder stiffened. She knew that voice. It was one that barked orders at her, one that told her time and time again with its silence she wasn't good enough, she was never going to live up to his expectations.

 _No, why is he here?_

She grunted and braced herself up into a sitting position. Chakwas tried to press her back onto the bed, looking frustrated and confused between the solider and herself. Ryder had eyes only for the man that stood in front of her.

"Sara Ryder, how the fuck did you screw up this badly?" her father asked.


	26. Baby Ryder No Longer

Chapter 26 - Baby Ryder No Longer

Shepard gave the order and the Normandy took flight. Everyone except Arashi was back on their feet to varying degrees. It took some barked orders but she kept the ones worse off from joining her securing the LZ. Her heart nearly stopped when she saw Williams helping Ryder up onto the Normandy. When Joker got them out of there, she was jittering from unspent adrenaline. It wasn't common she held a rifle and wasn't forced to pull the trigger even once. They were high tailing back the Citadel. She had words for Hackett but that would come later.

Now she needed to speak to Baby Ryder.

Shepard froze at the threshold. The tension in the med-bay so thick she could slice it with her omni-blade. Pain lined baby Ryder's usually smiling face, she shook and shivered with a blanket around her shoulders. Blood coated one of her legs while her chest was bruised and blackened.

"Did you trade the AI for me?" she asked her father.

"Of course not."

Baby Ryder recoiled as if stuck. The flicker of hurt and sadness was quickly covered by a mask of sullen acceptance. Shepard growled and strode in. "What the fuck is going on here?"

Both Ryders turned as one. The younger Ryder recovered first despite the closed in expression on her face. "Commander, I'm sorry for getting captured. I…"

"Shut up," Shepard said. She jerked her head at Chakwas. The doctor nodded. Shepard's green eyes flickering over to the elder Ryder. "You, come with me," she snapped.

Alec's jaw tightened. Nobody had spoken to this N7 soldier like that before she had gathered.

"I'm her father," he snarled. "I should be here."

Shepard glanced at her Baby Ryder, now lying on her back, looking smaller than she had ever seen before. Baby Ryder was trying to disappear under the blanket, head turned away, eyes squeezed shut. That decided it.

"Act like one."

He flinched like she had slapped him. She marched him out of the med-bay as she heard Chakwas speaking to Baby Ryder in low soothing tones. She knew Baby Ryder was in good hands. Her job was to deal with Alec.

 _Frankly, I must revise who is the baby in this relationship._

* * *

"How is she?" Shepard asked, pushing a cup of steaming hot tea towards Chakwas.

Chakwas glared at Alec. He was seated next to her. Shepard sighed. "I know he is an asshole, but he is, officially, her next of kin."

Chakwas exhaled and kept her eyes on Shepard as she spoke. "She is dehydrated and slightly hypothermic. Lacerations, bruises all over, but the worrying one is the one on her thigh. It is infected and Cerberus hadn't bother any of it. I've debrided the wound and started her on a course of antibiotics."

"Is that all?" he asked, his tone couldn't possibly be more condescending.

Shepard twisted her neck and stared at the man. "You don't know when to shut up, do you?"

Chakwas reached towards her cup and sipped her tea, watching the exchange between two N7 soldiers over the rim of her cup.

"Your daughter, by all accounts, after surviving four days being a guest of Cerberus had made successfully escaped by herself. We merely were there to provide transport. And your first thought is to strip the skin of her back for what? For sullying the Ryder name? I don't claim to know the inner workings of having a family and being a parent, but this is bullshit," Shepard growled

He opened his mouth ready to speak but she snapped, "You do not get to speak here. You are a civilian. You are no longer Alliance. I've extended you a courtesy because of you are ex-Alliance, you're an N7 and you're her father, but Sara Ryder is under my command, not yours."

Shepard turned resolutely back to Chakwas. "Go on."

The doctor went on listing the various injuries Ryder had received. Shepard couldn't help but feel every single one was her fault. Alec sat and listened, finally getting it through his head that he should bloody keep his mouth shut.

"So what does this mean?" Shepard asked.

"She needs rest and further treatments on the Citadel if she wants to recover fully."

She nodded, suspecting as much. It wasn't just the physical injuries, but the ordeal Baby Ryder had been put through. Her father had only made things worse.

"I'll see to it she gets the rest she needs," Shepard said.

"About that, I'd want Arashi and Díaz to be sent there for some additional treatments," Chakwas said.

Shepard beckoned to Chakwas. They left to take care of business, leaving Alec to sit alone with his thoughts.

* * *

Ryder was tired, but sleep was receding, insisting she rejoined the world of the living. She blinked. For once, she appreciated the dim lights in the med-bay. Her chest was sore, her leg ached, her muscles tingly but all in all, she was alive. Chakwas had administered some top grade painkillers, it had left her feeling like her soul wasn't quite attached to her body.

The door hissed open. The familiar stiff shoulders and straight neck figure of her father approached. Like a coward, she shut her eyes and pretended to be asleep.

Her father's words from the day before echoed in her head. "How did you even get captured? You're supposed to be leading others and look what happen? You can't even keep yourself safe. And now you risk everyone's lives to come get you."

She hunched her shoulders and weathered them, every word stabbing, cutting deep and leaving her bleeding bloodlessly. A hand pressed against her face just so she didn't have to see the cold and hard eyes that was attached to the face delivering those words. Normally, she'd be angry, she'd be frustrated, but everything her father had said was true. Maybe the four days as a guest of Cerberus had wore down her walls, maybe she was just tired and exhausted, she couldn't summon the energy to fling barbs of her own.

Kai Ling had confirmed it. She was their second choice, Scott was too protected but she wasn't. Her father hadn't cared. Cerberus' ploy had succeeded in drawing him out. As much as her heart lifted to see her father here, to know he cared enough to come, she wished she was back with Kai Ling. It was easier to be angry there.

Chakwas had pointedly and politely, in only the way she could, asked her father to keep quiet or leave but she needed to know. She needed to know that she hadn't jeopardised everything by her capture. His answer, the way he said it, was like a slap in the face.

 _Of course, I was lesser than Scott and Ma. And now the AI as well._

His presence loomed over her, Ryder willed herself to keep still. She didn't know why he was here now, but she didn't want to deal with him any longer. One more well placed cut with his words, she'd break down crying. She didn't need that.

One week ago, Ryder was sure and confident in her self-worth and skills. All it took was one setback and she was back at hom, in the cage that took her years to recognise it as one. She was once more under his boot of towering expectations and her inability to reach them. There, she would never be good enough. It was different on Normandy. She had earned her place through her efforts, she did not relied on the Ryder name. To let her father taint this one good thing that had came out of Janus was too much to bear.

Ryder laid on her back. Her arms splayed wide beside her. She had been feeling warm before. Something was being dragged up towards her chest. It was her blanket she realised. It took all her willpower not to open her eyes. The heavy fabric stopped at her waist. Warm hands took her arms and arranged them by her side before pulling the blanket up her chin.

 _Is he tucking me in?_

The air seemed to buzz. Ryder waited, wondering what was happening, why it was happening.

He sighed. The exhale was long and weary. "Sara," his breath hitched. "You scared me."

Ryder stiffened and prayed he hadn't noticed. A lump formed in her throat that no amount of discrete swallowing would rid her of. It was the first time in recent memory, her name wasn't barked at her with reproach.

"And I was afraid."

Her ability to breathe normally through her nose got harder.

"I… I'm just…" he sighed again, words had failed him. The scratch of fingers against stubble bristled across the air. "Just get well."

He pressed his palm against her shoulder for a second before leaving. She opened her eyes in time to see the door sliding shut behind him. The void his palm left burnt.

Her heart ached like a long embedded thorn had been removed. Even as old poison leeched from the wound, it hadn't a real chance to heal right. A single touch, a single confession wasn't enough. There was just too much scarred tissue around it and it held true healing back.

Confused and frustrated, Ryder wept.

* * *

Shepard glanced at her terminal, at the blinking cursor on her report. Walker was Cerberus. The confirmation that struck hard. _Who can I trust?_ She sighed, saved the document and sent it up the chain. One way or another, Walker needed to pay for his crimes. All those deaths were on his and Cerberus' hands.

They were making good time. They would reach Citadel in a day or so. Hopefully, Vakarian would be able to help her sell that souped up shuttle. Her credit account had taken a serious hit, and she'd like to get some back.

She would offload Ryder, Arashi and Díaz on the Citadel and resupplying. She had debriefed Ryder and based on her report, there were new threads she could pull on. The Prothean artifact wasn't lost.

However to learn that Ryder was the heart of an elaborate operation to kidnap her for the solo purpose to blackmail her father for the AI had left a bitter taste on her tongue. A plot that spanned both Janus, Omega and now Imorkan. This was deeper than she thought it would go.

 _Why didn't Alliance Intelligence catch wind of this?_

That still left the question of Omega in the air. Walker was a traitor or a spy, but he wasn't the only one. Her guts clenched at the thought of a traitor within the Alliance High Command.

 _A Cerberus sympathiser? or a plant?_

Hackett was the one who gave her the mission. She carried it out as a Spectre not an Alliance solider despite that he would expect a report. Now that Ryder was secured on the Normandy again, it was time she called him. If she was lucky, she'd get a sense of how much she could trust him.

Shepard stepped into the comms room and a holo of Hackett flickered to life ahead of her. Likewise, an image of herself popped up over on his end.

 _The wonders of QEC communications._

"Shepard," Hackett greeted. "We have received some disturbing reports from the Omega Nebula."

She kept quiet, she knew what Hackett was doing. Instead of giving himwhat he wanted, she shrugged. "How curious."

His eyes narrowed. "Commander, how did the mission go?"

"The off-the-books mission?"

"Is there any other kind?" Hackett countered.

"It went as well as those reports you've been getting."

"But—" Hackett stopped himself. The crease between his brow tightened. "I see."

Shepard inhaled. It was near impossible to read the Admiral. He had been playing the game for too long. He was the shark in the water while she was the stupid swimmer wading out into the ocean, wondering where the sharks were. The sharks were there all along, she was just too blind to see.

 _But is Hackett the Alliance's shark or Cerberus?_

"I wonder how off-the-books the mission really is," Shepard probed.

"It is on a need to know basis."

She cocked her head. That could mean just him to every single Alliance soldier and their family. This was getting nowhere.

"Let's just say our wayward bird hasn't returned home. And the fox caught one of my little ducklings. It took a little work, but we got our duckling home."

Hackett frowned. "It seems it's time you have a chat with our mutual friend."

Shepard nodded. "Yes, that seemed appropriate."

"It's good seeing you Commander."

"Likewise."

With that, the comms was terminated. Shepard was left more bewildered than before. She had no idea if she had just tipped her hand at the enemy or she had found an ally. Regardless, she had a busy time ahead of her.

"I wonder if Anderson can squeeze me in between all those meetings he is having," she mused.

* * *

Ryder settled herself into the hover-chair. "I can walk you know," she pointed out.

"No, you can't," Williams said. "You hobble. That's what you do with a hole in your leg."

"Touché."

"I'm always right."

"That she is," another voice chimed in.

"Skipper, you came to see our Baby Ryder off?"

"Nah, she's no more Baby Ryder," Shepard said.

Williams' mouth fell open in a round O. "When did that happen?"

Shepard grimaced. "Let's just say, the younger Ryder is less of a cry baby than the elder one."

Ryder pressed a hand against her mouth as the other two studied her for a reaction. Concern were shining in their eyes.

"Are you ok?" Williams asked Ryder.

"I know your father is just standing over there," Shepard gestured vaguely ahead. "But…"

Ryder couldn't hold it in any longer. Laughter burst from her lips as she slapped her hand against her leg. "Oww, oww. Please don't do this to me."

Shepard chuckled as Williams joined in. The trio howled louder as her father turned to frown in their direction.

Eventually, they all got a hold of themselves. Ryder felt better. Sharing a laugh was just what she needed. Shepard squeezed her shoulder. "Heal up, soldier. You'll always have a place on the Normandy."

She nodded. "Thank you Commander. I really appreciate everything you have done for me. I don't have much money, I will work out a payment system so that I can pay you back…"

Shepard waved her off. "I might even turn a profit on the shuttle once word get out how fast it ran. All right, here comes Chakwas."

Chakwas escorted her and the other walking wounded off the docks. Shepard was speaking to her father. She twisted her neck to look only to see hand gestures pointing in her direction. Chakwas shifted to block her view.

"No need to look," she assured. "The Commander has got your back."

Ryder looked at the doctor. Grey eyes just her like her father's but these ones were filled with warmth and care. She took a deep breath and resolutely kept her face forward.

* * *

It was days before Ryder was released from the hospital. She was still on medical leave, scheduled to return for daily rehab sessions to build the muscles of her leg back up again after days of inactivity. Also to make sure the infection and the micro fractures on her sternum were all cleared up. Otherwise, it would mean more ossification treatments. Then and only then the doctors on base would clear her for active duty.

Ryder sighed, she chafed at being stuck on the Citadel but it would be good to have time to see her mother again.

"Do not overtax that leg," the doctor called as she threw her duffle over her shoulder.

"I know," Ryder replied, limping towards the door as quickly as she could. If she lingered, she swore they would find some reason to keep her in the hospital.

"See you tomorrow. Remember to take your painkillers, don't be stubborn about it."

"I will," she waved without turning back.

"And—"

"Stop it," the nurse chided. "They are all soldiers. Not children."

The doctor made a snort of derision. "Soldiers are worse than children."

Ryder chuckled and made good on her escape. It didn't take long before she got home. It was empty and still just like the last time. Almost all traces of her mother was erased. Gone were the pills on the kitchen counter, gone were the signs of a home lived in. She crossed the threshold and headed to her room.

"Sara?" Scott called out. "You're back? Why are you on the Citadel?"

She blushed. She had not thought to call him back since their arguement. She shifted her weight off her bad leg and grimaced.

"What happened?" His eyes narrowing at her.

Sighing, she said, "Let me get settled in, maybe you can get some food delivery?"

"Fuck, how long is this story, Sara?"

"Too long."

* * *

"So let me get this straight, you were captured by a terrorist organisation so that they can blackmail Pa for the AI he is working on?"

Ryder nodded.

"Fuck, Sara."

She snorted, draining her glass. "Yeah, thought you should know. Sorry I didn't call earlier."

"You know, I should be mad, but I'm not. I'm just glad you're ok," he slid from his chair and rounded the island to her back.

Ryder turned as her brother tugged her into his arms. They were solid and strong, encircling her for a brief moment before he broke the contact.

"So how's Ma?" She asked.

Scott stiffened. "Not well. I had been to see her just the day before, and Pa has fucked off to Theia station again. She is not doing well."

She rubbed her hand over her face. "Have you spoken to her yet?"

He ducked his head, avoiding eye contact with her.

"Shit, you haven't, have you? I guess Pa haven't either?"

He shook his head. "Now that you're here, maybe you can speak to her?"

Ryder looked at Scott, seeing the tentative hope in his eyes.

"You're always her favourite after all, maybe you can convince her? Early cryo and all that. The doctors are not optimistic about how long she has."

She bit her lip. "Tell me more about the Initiative."

They talked long into the night. It was half way through the night cycle when Scott begged off, citing work the next day. Ryder agreed, her head was swimming with possibilities as she sat on her bed. Sky cars zipped back in the distance. Isolated lights winked out against the darkened Citadel. They, like her, were awake in a world asleep. Maybe their souls were too heavy for sleep, too weary for rest.

The Initiative was a chance to colonise Andromeda. It seemed pretty clear her father was going. Maybe he was working with them so he'd get funding to work on the AI, maybe he really thought a cure for AEND would be waiting for them at the end of a 600 year journey.

"Think of it, seeing something new, something nobody else here had seen before," Scott said, his voice breathy with barely contained awe.

"But what about the things we're leaving behind?"

"What _are_ we leaving behind? There is nothing for us here. Pa and Ma won't be here. I have no wife or kids that I'm leaving behind. I don't have anything here for me."

"Friends? Don't you have those? I mean, what about the one or two girls that I know you looked at differently?"

"Those were nothing serious. Things to do to while the time away." His hand gripped her arm tight, as if he could convince her through touch alone. "There is nothing here for us."

 _But I am leaving things behind._

Her unvoiced thought rang in her head. She had a career here. She had a good team with Solarin, Teo and Díaz. Friends on the Normandy that went beyond mere work colleagues in Ashley, Shepard and Alenko. Commander Shepard was in her fucking corner.

"I mean, we're going, aren't we?" Scott asked.

 _Are we? Am I?_

She sighed, the edges of Alliance recruitment poster that featured Shepard right after the Blitz jabbed against her neck. Glancing up, she saw the younger fiery hair, green eyed Commander looking into the middle distance. "What would you do?"

The question bounced off the poster. No answer was forth coming.

Scott was so sure this was what they needed, what _he_ needed. Pa was locked in his single-minded mission to save Ma by whatever methods necessary. What about Ma? She didn't even know what had been going on.

Ryder rubbed her temples. These recursive thoughts were wearing a grove into her brain. It all felt too much with a headache growing behind the tightness of her temples. Her leg ached and itched in that infuriating way healing wounds did. She had completely forgotten about her meds. It was too late to take them anyway. As she lay her head down on the pillow and willed her body to rest, she clutched at her fears and hopes.

 _First stop, check in with Ma._


	27. Perfect Imperfection

Chapter 27 - Perfect Imperfection

"Hey," Ryder greeted as she entered her mother's room.

Now that she knew her mother was being protected, she knew what to look for. The private room, the secluded corner her room was located at, the lack of windows and a rotating cast of burly looking aliens and humans that just seemed to hover outside. Her father had definitely pulled out all stops for this security detail.

 _Where had the money come from?_

"Sara." Her mother brightened up visibly from her half sitting position on her bed. She had been writing in a journal, a real paper journal using a real ink pen.

Ryder swallowed, taking all the little differences a few months had wrought. This was what Scott was talking about. They were supposed to have years, but now they were hurtling towards the end with all the momentum of 20 years of AEND behind them.

"I always love that you use the fountain pen," she said, praying it was enough to distract her mother from her limp. "The lacquer work is just beautiful." She winced as she sat down on the chair positioned next to her mother's bed, reaching up to study the eight facetted black and red pen.

"Sara," her mother said reproachfully, closing her journal resolutely, retrieving the pen from Ryder. "Do you have something to tell me?" Her gaze keen as she gestured at Ryder's leg.

"Well about that, I got hurt on a mission."

Her mother shook her head and sighed. "What happened?"

"Just a little gash on my thigh. Nothing serious about it."

A snort rang out. "You're not going to fool me Sara Ryder."

"I'm trying to spare you the gory details."

"Fine, fine. I'm dying, but I'm not stupid you know."

Ryder sighed and nodded.

"I see your leg is still giving you trouble. Why don't you hop on the bed with me?"

With a little squirming and shifting, Ryder joined her mother in bed, taking care the nasal cannula and IV isn't crushed under her weight. She sighed as she stretched her bad leg straight. "Much better."

For a while, mother and daughter sat side by side in silence. Her mother took her hand in hers. Those hands were so thin, bones protruding through almost translucence skin. They lifted hers, smoothed her fingers out, examining them by flipping it front to back and back again. Against Ryder's own skin, she could see how much greyer her mother's was. Then, gnarled fingers laced between her own. Ryder's chest ached in that nameless way.

AEND was the slow decay of a human soul.

"Your hands have seen so much," her mother said. "You have done so much."

"I have."

"And so much that I've not been able to help you out with, even if it is to lend a listening ear. And so much I never will," her voice broke at the last line.

Ryder tightened her grip on her mother's hand. She didn't have words to comfort her mother with. These were facts. AEND was terminal, unless...

"Hey, have you heard of the Andromeda Initiative?"

Her mother took a deep shuddering breath as if to master her emotions. Ryder kept her eyes forward, giving her mother privacy.

She hummed affirmatively.

Ryder felt a weight on her shoulder as her mother rested her head against it. Her chest protested against it, but she kept still. If this helped, she wasn't going to push her mother away because of a little pain.

"So I don't know if Pa told you. He is working with them, training the human Pathfinder team."

The warm body that pressed against her stiffened. "Is this about that AI of his?"

"Has he spoken to you about it?" Ryder shifted, looking at her mother.

"I've told him time and time again. His AI wouldn't be ready in time. I don't want to be taking the meds and be living out my last days in a fog just to give him weeks? Months? To lock himself away working on the AI," she hissed.

Ryder remembered the argument she had walked in on previously.

"But with cryo, you could potentially live long enough for a cure to be found."

"Would I survive the cryo sleep? How long would it take? Will I wake up and you're all old and gone? What then?"

Every question was a stab at her naivety. Ryder bit her lip. She had gone about it all wrong.

"Sara, I don't want to wake up in a world where the cure existed, but my children are old and grey. This shouldn't be the way it works. I shouldn't have to bury my children."

"Fuck," Ryder muttered. "Shit, sorry. I mean. Damnit, I'm sorry."

She wrapped her arms around her mother and begged for forgiveness. Realising that she had been selfish, thinking only of herself, her potential losses and hadn't prioritised her mother's needs, wants and desires.

"I'll tell them, I'll tell them you don't want this."

* * *

That night Scott glanced at her furtively as if waiting for her to spill the beans, but the heartache was too strong for her to put into words. She shook her head and said, "Let's have a family gathering. For Ma."

He agreed, and she put him to work. First step was getting their father into the same space as the rest of them.

Ryder tried to clean the house up, making so that it didn't look like a hotel that barely anyone lived in. Her bad leg kept up well, the rehab was paying off. She bargained with her mother's doctor for a standard day away from the hospice. It took some creativity but they agreed. The stipulation being to bring the oxygen tank along just in case breathing got a little too laboured as well as instructions to return immediately if anything went sideways. She readily agreed to all of it.

The hours before picking up her mother from the hospice were spent doing last minute tidying up. Her back was drenched with sweat in mere minutes. She sighed and looked at her handiwork. It wasn't great but it'll have to do. The kitchen, living area and rooms were cleaned if nothing else.

"Scott, you'll make sure Pa gets home in time?"

He nodded. "I've told him I'll be picking him up from the docks. He won't have to try and get a skycar from the terminal."

"All right, I'll go make sure we get Ma's favourite foods."

She left home, stopping by Apollo to put in orders for both lunch and dinner. Orders of her mother's favourite asari fusion dishes would be delivered to their home at the appropriate times the server had promised. Ryder left an inordinately large tip as incentive with promise for more if everything ran perfectly. Somehow this was more nerve wrecking than enlisting.

Ryder searched for the asari bartender but sadly the bar was empty. The server noticed. "Are you looking for Atheyta?"

She shook her head. "It's fine. If you see her, let her know, I'm taking her advice." And she was out the door once more.

Stepping off the skycar, a warm breeze rippled through the air, weaving through the trees that lined the exterior of the hospice. The leaves sang as they swayed.

 _This day will go perfectly. This is for Ma, for us._

She cast her eyes on the doors leading into the hospice. Taking a deep breath, she walked in. The foyer was mostly empty. It was still too early in the day for visitors. A splash of colour caught her attention. It was a small stall tucked away among VIs dispensing information to visitors. She approached and was surprised she hadn't realised that it was a florist. A smile tugged at her lips as she browsed their wares.

* * *

"Hey," Ryder greeted, handing her the flowers.

"Oh you got me flowers? You shouldn't have," Ma smiled. Her laughter floated lightly in the air.

It was a balm to soothe Ryder's heart. She grinned back as her mother fussed about the cost of real flowers on the Citadel.

"How are you feeling today? Still up for our little trip?"

Ma chuckled. "I'm just going home. That's all. Unless you have some special thing planned today?"

"Just food, family and maybe a movie or two."

"And a talk, right?" Her mother's eyes holding hers. Nothing escaped her attention even though the medication fogged up her mind before.

Ryder nodded tightly, guilt flared in her chest again. _Maybe I should do this on my own, Ma don't need to be put through this._ Her mother waved a hand dismissing her concerns. "That sounds lovely, Sara. Thank you."

"Let me get the hover-chair."

Before long, Ryder was pushing her mother out of the hospice towards the skycar. With the oxygen tank and all the needed medical supplies in tow, mother and daughter headed home.

* * *

Apollo lived up to their promises, and lunch was delivered right on time. "Food's here!" Ryder called.

Scott and their mother looked up from their chat in the living room. "Thank gods, I was starving," he said.

Ma slapped a palm against his shoulder. "You're not. You had a whole bag of chips as we talked."

"I'm a growing boy," he protested

Ryder laughed as she started setting the table.

"Look at you two, my beautiful children," Ma said wistfully.

Ryder caught her looking at them, a smile on her face. She couldn't decide which hurt her heart more, the weary, sad kind of happiness on her mother's face or the grim look in her brother's eyes. They knew, they all knew, in their hearts of hearts this might be the last time they could spend so carefree a time with each other. One way or another, everything was going to change after today for good or for ill. She shook her head inwardly, chasing the thoughts away.

"Let me help," Scott said.

Before long, they were tucking into the meal, chatting about everything and nothing, indulging in anything her mother wanted. The twins exchanged glances as they noticed their mother not being able to eat as much. The medication she took was affected her appetite. It was an unspoken agreement that they feigned hunger and finished the food their mother couldn't. It was a small thing but one their mother seemed to appreciate despite knowing what they were up to.

In the end, the afternoon found both Scott and Sara pressed up against their mother, one on each side as their mother ran fingers through their hair. She spoke of their childhood, of shared adventures, of all their little mishaps that were infuriating then but so amusing now. They listened, they protested, and they laughed Eventually their mother was dozing, but they kept still. Ryder wanted to imprint this memory into her brain as best as she could, taking in as much her senses could give her.

It was a delicate dance between what could be said, what could be asked without turning the entire atmosphere depressing. All she wanted was the day to go well for her mother.

 _Today have to be prefect._

* * *

Ryder pulled herself from her mother's arms, soothing her back to sleep with a couple pats on the back. It was a gesture she remembered her mother doing when she was ill. Now, to be able to return the favour was bittersweet.

Sitting in the room, the light inhale and exhale of breath from the frail form on the bed. Dust motes drifted gently in the air against the evening light. The light painted the world yellow. A colour that aged her reality in a space of a blink.

She sighed and stood, she had to wash up and set the table for dinner. Scott had left to pick up Pa from the docks. Barring no traffic issues, they would be home in less than an hour.

It was so mundane, cleaning up, washing the plates, taking deliver of food and tidying the place up. Ryder could almost come to enjoy a life of domesticity, in another galaxy far away from everything she knew. Giving up her Alliance career was easy, she never relished being a solider despite being good at it. It was just an outlet for her to be her true self and be appreciated for it. Giving up her friendships, leaving them behind would be hard. And that also meant giving up on the stolen Prothean artifact and making her friends' deaths mean something.

 _Will their ghosts forgive me?_

"Sara?"

The voice jarred her from her thoughts. It was her mother, stumbling out of her room, bracing herself against the wall. Ryder hurried over and settled her mother onto the couch. Even that little walk had rendered her breathless and wheezing. The oxygen tank was quickly deployed and her mother pressed the mask against her face as she panted.

"Are you ok?"

Her mother nodded, a shaky hand patting her thigh. Ryder bit her lip and held still. It took long minutes before her mother put the mask down. "I'm fine. It's just a little flare up. Just like before."

Ryder tightened the valve on the tank and nodded.

"Where's Scott?"

"He's gone to pick Pa up."

Her mother cocked her head and frowned, confusion and fear flashed across her face. The pause lingered a little too long to be natural, but in the end she nodded. "Yes, yes. I'm sure he will be back soon. We should set the table."

Ryder bit her tongue and made no mention of it. "I've done it, just rest and take it easy."

"Your Pa likes to have a cold beer when he comes back from missions. Did we get any delivered?"

Her chest ached. For her to lose time even when she was off the medication that gave her these problems just hammered home the fact, time was truly running out. "I'll order it now. The store will send out a delivery drone. Just sit down, ok?"

Her mother nodded absently, looking at her surroundings like it was all new to her. Ryder turned away, shoving the welling emotions away. She could feel them all later. Meanwhile, she put her mind to the task.

* * *

Ma drifted in and out of years. Ryder watched over and over again as the fear and confusion took over. Each time she reached over and squeezed her mother's hand and told her, "You're home, you're safe, we're just having a meal."

"Ok," she replied, a breathless gasp of relief each time.

Scott ate silently, even their father managed to look pained. Ryder had lost all her appetite, lunch had settled poorly in her guts.

"Why did you take her out of the hospice?" Pa hissed.

"We're supposed to talk," Scott replied. "Sara had gone to talk to Ma about the Andromeda plan. She hadn't told me what Ma said."

Their mother was away in the washroom. All eyes were on Ryder. She shifted in her seat. _What am I supposed to do now? What if Ma never comes back to the present again? What does this mean?_

She took a deep breath. "I've spoken to her and I wanted you all to hear for yourselves. But since..."

"Get on with it Sara," her father barked. "I have to catch the last shuttle out and be back to the station."

She blinked. "I told you what today is for. You still want to rush back to your precious AI? You don't even want to spend time with Ma?"

"We will be able to spend more time together as a family once we have the cure. The cure is everything. You saw how bad she is now."

She shot Scott a look, and he kept his lips pressed tight. _Fuck, fine, I'm on this on my own._ "Ma said no."

"Why would she say that? She is a fighter, she wanted to live. She'd never say no."

Ryder glared at her father. "Are you saying I'm lying?" The words were clipped and curt.

"No, what Pa is saying is—"

She whirled and levelled her stare at her brother. "Are _you_ saying I'm lying?" she repeated, louder this time.

"No, but—"

"Let me repeat myself, Ma said no. She don't want to lose her todays for an unknown tomorrow. Given her state, she'd have to go into cryo early. We don't know how it would affect her in her condition. AEND is rare. There is no guarantee you'll have the cure for her when you get to Andromeda."

Scott's face reddened while their father recoiled like she had just drew a gun on him. Frustration, incredulity and shame flashed across their faces. Where Scott looked chagrin, Pa was angry.

"The AI will work," he growled. "I just need more time."

"You don't know that."

They jerked around to find Ellen Ryder standing at the hallway looking at them. She braced herself against the wall and shuffled towards them. Her steps determined and grim despite being a little unsteady. Ryder hurried over and had her arms out just in case she stumbled.

"Ellen," her father exhaled, his voice sounded so weary.

Scott hovered nearby. He kept his arms folded across his chest. The awkwardness and painful dinner conversation was replaced by tension so thick Ryder could cut it.

"No, Alec. I won't do this. I've let you gone on this wild goose chase for far too long. I've lost so much time with my family. I've lost so much time with you," she reached out, a shaking hand towards her husband.

He reached out and grabbed it, his grip white-knuckled tight. "No, Ellen. Please. I can't..." He ducked his head, anguish twisting his features as he ripped his hand away from hers and pressed it over his face.

Ryder felt she was intruding. She shouldn't be seeing this. This was private, not for her eyes. Hands tightening over her arms, she glanced at Scott. His gaze stricken, his mouth half opened with words hovering at the tip of his tongue. "No, Ma. You can't give up now."

It shattered the silent tug of war between their parents. Their mother's gaze softened when she turned to Scott, a slight crease between her brow, a quiver on her lips. "Please Scott, I'm tired. I really am. I've hung on for so long. You are all grown, both of you. People with full lives ahead of you. I might not be there with you all the time but you know I'll always wish I could."

"But you could, just give this a try."

"Scott, you don't know what you're asking. Please, just—"

Both men, father and son went back and forth, slinging pleas and half baked ideas as if they were facts. In the end, Ryder snapped.

"Stop!" she cried, rounding to her mother's side and wrapping an arm around her. "Ma has made her wishes clear, more than fucking clear. Who are we to demand she try and try again? It's her life for her to decide how she wants to face the end. It's our job to respect her wishes." _As painful as it is to us._

Pa stiffened, a scowl rapidly forming on his face. Scott flinched as if slapped, his eyes blazed with pained anger. And they were focused on her. Ryder would take it if that was what it took. Her mother pressed against Ryder's side trembled, from weariness or from grief she couldn't tell. Scott stood abruptly and brushed his hand over his face. Without another word, he disappeared into his room. She imagined he would have slammed the door if that was possible.

"Pa." A single word hovered between them. "Please."

It was a question, understanding being sought, but Ryder saw the shutters coming down over his gaze. "Ellen, we'll talk more about this. Once I have things settled on Theia station, I'll be back."

Alec Ryder, decorated N7, fled.

Ryder jerked, moving to grab hold of him. _What the fuck does that mean? I'll be back. Ma is here now, you're here now. Where the fuck are you going?_

But a slight tug against her sleeve made her stop. She turned to her mother, the person who bore the weight of the entire family on her shoulders. "Are you all right? I can get him back. This is fucked up. I will make them see."

"Let him go," her mother whispered, legs buckling under exhaustion and stress.

Ryder was quick to help her to the sofa. Her mother exhaled, a breath filled with so much and yet held so little. "Your father don't deal with such things well. He is very bad at letting go when he got an idea into his head. He was so with you, and now with me."

She blinked. "What do you mean with me?"

Her mother shook her head, eyelids dropping. "I don't feel so good, Sara. Maybe it's time I go back home."

Ryder's guts clenched. _But you are home._ The words stood at the tip of her tongue but she swallowed them, like all the unspent frustration and disappointment. "Ok, let's get you back."

* * *

And like that, time passed. Ellen Ryder drifted in her mind more and more often. The doctors told her the stress had exacerbated her illness. She barely saw Scott around. It was like he returned home after she had gone to bed, and left before she woke. It was no different than living in a home with an invisible man.

Their father disappeared like he always did, a ghost in truth and in name. And so Ryder picked up the pieces, taking a leave of absence from work despite having healed up. She glanced at her omni-tool, the approval had just came in. Tagged along with the official paperwork was Shepard's own message.

"Family is hard. Hang in there, Ryder. Don't worry about your team, we're taking good care of them."

She took a deep breath and read the rest of the messages the crew had been sending her. Solarin, Díaz and Teo had send her holos of the stupid antics they had been getting up to, usually with Ashley in the background yelling at them. Ashley herself had picked a bunch of choice poems and sent it along.

It helped. It all did but in this, she had to go alone.


End file.
